Category: bb05

August 16, 2005

I Predict A Riot, I Predict A Riot!

First the bloody election, and now this.

Last night started well. A last minute eviction party (please, no one point out how lame eviction parties are - I AM NOT IN THE MOOD) was being held at my abode, and esteemed Tim supporters like Nadine, LaLa, Ms Fits, Bob Ellis, Tuppence and Mr Tuppence (aka Bert) had turned up, all of them simply giddy with excitement and anticipation. I’d made a platter, for fuck’s sake! There was wine! PODS! I FOUND TWIX PODS! Everything was coming up Jessie.

Occasionally through out the evening, we would torture ourselves by wondering what it would be like if Gretel read out the name Logan Greg rather than Hot Spunky Lefty Tim.

“Pssshhhaw!” we scoffed at ourselves after thinking about it for a few seconds, “the Australian public MUST be able to see that Tim is the only deserving winner! They must be able to see that Logan David was a twat and he’ll get some of the cash if Greg wins! They must be able to see that Greg, other than tonguing the Paddle Pop lion from time to time, was generally only interesting whenever Lefty Tim kindly included him in mischief!”

Then Fits said “Ahh yes, but that’s what I thought about Latham too, and we lost that election!”

Cue uproarious laughter. Because it was going to be our night, friends. It was going to be our goddamn night and we could feel it in our bones.

We tried to deal with the awfully long wait to discover out the winner in various ways. We ordered Thai. We paced. We smoked. We watched video footage where I dropped a trophy on my head in front of the entire school, because Nadine, Lala, Fits, Tuppence and Bert are sadistic bastards who like to see me humiliated. We paced and smoked some more. Bob Ellis chewed up sticks furiously. At the time, I thought it was because, you know, she’s a dog. In hindsight, it’s quite clear Bob Ellis knew exactly what was about to happen (animals can anticipate tragedy, you know) and her aggressive chewing of wood was her way of coping. Maybe she was going to arrange the little chunks of spittle-covered stick to spell out a message like “DON’T WATCH IT’LL HURT YOU” and we were too flustered to notice. Sigh.

Five minutes before the announcement of the winner - we began making jokes about what we would do should - GOD FORBID - Tim not win. We discussed rioting. Drinking shots of scotch till we passed out. Calling in sick to work and tracking down everyone we knew who didn’t vote correctly and beating them about the head. We were nervous, but we also felt quietly confident that Tim would emerge from his Big Brother cocoon as a beautiful butterfly whose wings were made of over $800,000 cash. Hey, who let Gretel’s scriptwriter in?!

Three minutes before the announcement of the winner - our Thai food turned up. The delivery guy was grilled about his thoughts on Big Brother and whether he agrees that Tim is God. Slightly confused and clearly worried we were going to force him in the door and make him dance in a gimp outfit for our sick amusement, he mumbled in a hopeful manner “Yes, Tim is, ahhhh, good!”, still not entirely sure if he had given the correct answer or whether he’d be donning leather within minutes and forced to jive as we screamed “You’re a dirty little piggy, eh? DANCE, PIGGY!”

Forty seconds to announcement. Other Tim-lovers like Sherriff, Sugar, Hotman Paris, Clem, Dirty Derek and Fop were in our hearts - and the beloved Genny B was on speakerphone, breathing heavily and referring to family cars she and Tim would need for their children.

Announcement time. It’s a blur, I tell you. I heard “……… Lo -” and felt my heart sink.

“………gan Greg!” Gretel spat out.

Fits leapt up in the air, bewildered and fuming. Nads and LaLa, clutching each other on the couch, let out a collective howl of disappointment. Tuppence and Bert decided there and then to name their firstborn Lefty Tim - and shed a tear or three.

The next few minutes feel a bit surreal. I assume the show continued, but I was distracted due to Fits starting a riot in my very own backyard. She furiously kicked over two hapless outside chairs and then spied an innocent looking rake against the fence. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she raged at the heavens, and hurled the rake like a spear of the Gods at the already brutalised seats. A few swift kicks of the garage door later, she seemed slightly - SLIGHTLY - calmer.

We grieved. We ate some Thai food. We played a game called “Future Predictions!” which went along the lines of announcing to the table “FUTURE PREDICTION - IN TWO YEARS TIME, THE LOGANS APPEAR ON THE COVER OF WOMAN’S DAY SELLING THEIR EXCLUSIVE STORY ‘OUR COCAINE AND HOOKER HELL’”

It wasn’t enough. We were still antsy and couldn’t find an appropriate way to vent. Either Nads or Fits suggested driving out to famed If you voted Liberal…” wall and changing “Liberal” to “Logan” but it sounded like a lot of effort, and we’re members of the Latte Left, remember?

So we did the only thing a pack of surly left-leaning immature fools could do.

We formed a band.

Named after a vague and menacing threat directed toward poor old Housemate Ol after he told the table of grieving eejits that he “didn’t care either way” about the Big Brother finale, our brand new punk band The Riot In Your Anus ran upstairs to the attic and began writing down exactly how we felt. Needless to say, the word ‘cunt’ is used. A lot. And by the end it deteriorates into angry primal screams. But goddamnit, it’s how we felt and we sang our guts out. In fact I’ve no doubt my housemates will readily attest to just how noisily we wailed at 11pm.

Do you want to hear the song?

Well, I can’t upload it onto ausculture.com due to my home internet dial up thingo dying and not being able to access stuff at work. But for the first twenty (?!) unlucky downloaders, the song should be available through You Send It. Download it by clicking here (SEE BOTTOM FOR UPDATE) (BOTTOM OF POST, YOU FOOLS, NOT YOUR ‘BOTTOM’ BOTTOM) (MUST STOP WATCHING BRITISH COMEDIES FROM THE LATE SEVENTIES EARLY EIGHTIES).

Our first single?

Tim After Tim

Fuck this nation
Fuck it good
Tim should have fucking won
Yes he fucking should

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT
CUNT CU-CUNT
I HATE YOUSE FUCKIN CUNTS!
x 2

Boring fucking arseholes
Those motherfucking Logans
They’re about as shit-filled
As a wetsuit full of grogans

TUPPENCE - That’s when you do a shit in your wetsuit.

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT
CUNT CU-CUNT
I HATE YOUSE FUCKIN CUNTS!
x 2

TIM! Fell for a Lib called Kate!
TIM! Got buffed lifting weights!
TIM! Got behind those gays!
LOGANS! What did they ever do?

—- DRAMATIC SILENCE —-

FUCK THIS NATION!

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT
CUNT CU-CUNT
I HATE YOUSE FUCKIN CUNTS!
x 2

Ooooooooooooooh

Timothy!
I’m living with this tragedy
The nation’s broken our dreams
Now all I hear is nightmare screams

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT
CUNT CU-CUNT
I HATE YOUSE FUCKIN CUNTS!
x whatevs

Cough.

Hey, I never said it was a mature attempt at songwriting. Personally, I sort of adore it - especially at the end when timing goes out the window and you can literally hear us rolling around yelling and swearing, united in pain and our love of “the music”.

WHERE TO FROM HERE, JESS?!

Oh - I’ll tell you where to from here, alright!

I’ve noticed a pattern - if I root for something, it loses. Full stop. End of story. My support is a deathly blow for any cause I feel passionate about. This is just like that frightening period during the early to mid nineties when I realised that as soon as I put up a poster of a spunky rock star or actor on my wall, they’d suddenly die. Sorry Mr Phoenix, Mr Cobain and Mr Lee.

So from now on? I’m a Liberal through and through. I LOVE John Howard! I care about interest rates! Woomera? Stop your whinging, queue jumpers! Gay marriage? NO THANKS, TOLERANCE IS JUST A POLITICALLY CORRECT WAY OF IGNORING YE OLDE SCHOOL EVIL! Vanstone has replaced Angelina as my Lez Crush, and I believe in Tom & Katie, I really do.

THE END.

UPDATE: The ever adorable Daniel Boud isn’t just the world’s greatest photogroper, oh no. He’s also a lover of all things rock - and after having a listen to the debut single of The Riot In Your Anus, he’s kindly volunteered to host the mp3 on his magical Boudist server. Couldn’t you just eat him up with a spoon?

Anyway, download “Tim After Tim” by The Riot In Your Anus by right clicking and saving this. And maybe turn your speakers down x

Oh, and all busted links should be fixed now. PHEW, etc!

Posted by Jess at 1:29 PM Link | Comments (83)

August 14, 2005

Oh, Happy Day!

Tim remains in the house, Vesna - a cult favourite - has been evicted tonight, and I have a warm tingly feeling in my tummy that Logan Greg is gonna suffer from Blair-itis, leaving Our God as the (truly deserving) winner.

GOOD OLD LEFTY TIM FOREEEEEVER!

Posted by Jess at 11:37 PM Link | Comments (49)

August 11, 2005

Tell The World You Love Lefty Tim!

Alright gang - let’s get rocking, shall we? Below are four different pro-Tim banners you are more than welcome to bang onto your site and\or anywhere else you like in order to reveal your adoration for the lanky clever one to all and sundry. Just copy the code below the picture you like and slap it somewhere in your template. Or something.



<img alt=”I Support Lefty Tim! And that’s why ausculture.com loves me.” src=”http://www.ausculture.com/blog/images/tim1-170x100.jpg” width=”170” height=”100” border=”0” />



<img alt=”Lefty Tim Is My God! And that’s why ausculture.com loves me.” src=”http://www.ausculture.com/blog/images/tim2-170x100.jpg” width=”170” height=”100” border=”0” />



<img alt=”Lefty Tim For PM! ausculture.com want to touch my special place.” src=”http://www.ausculture.com/blog/images/tim3-170x100.jpg” width=”170” height=”100” border=”0” />



<img alt=”I Want Lefty Tim As My New Best Friend! Because he is pretty and kind and clever and ausculture.com told me he was touched by the hand of God.” src=”http://www.ausculture.com/blog/images/tim4-170x100.jpg” width=”170” height=”100” border=”0” />

Here is a voting strategy that has been worked out by a few of us Tim-lovers which I recommend you follow, no doubt much to the extreme delight of Legion Interactive and the nation’s mobile phone carriers.

FOR EVERY VOTE YOU SEND TO VESNA, SEND TWO TO GREG.

Well, it made sense after a beverage or three the other evening.

Remember - we cannot be complacent.

Even if (SCREAM, YOU IDIOT, ETC) you do not like Tim all that much, try to imagine Andrew Bolt’s face next time he sits down to write his almost monthly “Reality Television Proves Aussies Are Nothing Like The Latte Left Reckon They Are!” column and steam explodes from his ears and nostrils as he tries to avoid mentioning the fact the nation got behind a Union supporting, rainbow loving, Howard loathing Leftist lad.

CARN TIMMY! ALL THE WAY!

PS: Without giving away too much, there may be a theme song for Timmy available later tonight. It’ll be shit, and that’s the way you like it (uh-huh, uh-huh).

UPDATE - Buck Fudd has emailed and suggested that we add into the cut-and-pastable code above an automatic link back to ausculture.com so that people know where to congregate and talk about Tim with our non-typing hands down our pants and\or texting Vesna or Greg to 19 10 10.

I had briefly considered it originally but I didn’t want to look like a scheming cunt who simply wanted to draw in more blog readers in a thinly disguised attempt to use The Goodness Of Tim for feverish nerdy selfish desires. Which is not to say I’m not a scheming cunt, I just don’t want to look like one.

That said, those who know how to are more than welcome to add dork code to the pics to send people over to this very post in order to rustle up the troops - it’s entirely up to you, banner-haverers.

Posted by Jess at 5:06 PM Link | Comments (30)

August 10, 2005

A Message For Tim Brunero Fans

Kids, you’ve all been absolutely right in the comments - except for the tool who had a go at dear old Timmy. The pro-Tim movement must get… moving! We must band together and ensure Our Man in the house emerges as the rightful winner.

Rest assured that ausculture.com’s official Tim To Win Big Brother! campaign will be kicking off tomorrow and I hope (and expect!) everyone to get behind it.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP?

Email any ideas, stories (remind me of any glorious Tim moments I might have forgotten - quotes especially appreciated) and most importantly, photos and pics of Timmy you think would come in handy. Or make me come in handy (HAHAHAHA… sorry) to leftytimtowin@gmail.com.

ausculture.com expects every one to do their duty.

(As for the 19 10 10 Vesna versus 19 10 10 Greg dilemma, my advice is for every vote you send Vesna’s way, send two to Greg. Just to be sure.)

Posted by Jess at 2:10 PM Link | Comments (30)

August 7, 2005

URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING TONIGHT’S EVICTION

transcribed aurally to la nadine direct from pre-eviction drinks

CAN’T GIVE TOO MUCH AWAY. SMS ‘VESNA’ TO 19 10 10. I KNOW WE’RE ALL EXPECTING MARBLE-MOUTHED MEL TO GO, BUT TEAM BLOGGER IN DREAMWORLD ARE ON A MISSION FROM GOD. TRUST US.

BY THE WAY, WE SAW KATE - REGRET TO SAY SHE’S REALLY, REALLY HOT IN THE FLESH. AND WAS BEING NICE TO ALL THE KIDDIES. PRETTY SURE SHE STILL HATES THE GAYS THOUGH.

REMEMBER - LOOK FOR ‘FREE KATIE’, ‘Y’ALL DON’T EVEN’, ‘GEE’ AND ‘I (HEART) TIM’.

Posted by Jess at 7:41 PM Link | Comments (22)

August 1, 2005

And So It Goes…

With one swift kick to the Birdcunt from the nation, Thatcher has left the Big Brother building.

News Ltd are all over the story. The link to the article on the news.com.au home page states “Big Brother’s Kate fell victim to a gay lobby push to have her evicted” and as we all know, ‘gay lobby’ is just another way of saying The Pink Mafia. How many times does Sir Elton John have to appear in documentaries regarding the issue before people will begin taking The Power Of The Gays seriously? Foolish, foolish Kate.

I’ve got to be honest - I selfishly wanted Melanie to go this week so when I attend this weekend’s eviction, I wouldn’t be bored to death during the highlights package and post-eviction interview. My only real hope is that Melanie isn’t nominated at ALL this week, leaving Logan Greg - and lord knows, I don’t hate him but it’s simply at that point in the series where I need to make some hard decisions - as our choice evictee.

When Gretel announced Kate’s name last night, I actually exclaimed “Noooooyeeeesnoooo!”. Because not only am I emotionally torn between administering punishment to naughty housemates via Legion Interactive and seeing my own selfish dreams fulfilled, but I am the sort of loser who talks out loud at the television when there’s no one else in the room.

Despite the depressing\excellent\awful\pleasing turn of events, there were some highlights in the show last night. Here they are listed for prosperity.

Gretel Looked Superb!
Flowing hippy hair, nice baggy tie-dye clothing - she looked like a woman who had been recently refreshed by a trip to Byron Bay. I half expected a brood of children clad in hand-me-downs with names like Summer and Ozone and Buddha to be gathered around, pressed up against her motherly legs and burying their faces in her rainbow dress shyly as she spoke to the audience.

And the jewellery? Magnificent. It was so wonderful to see Gretel supporting a return to the halcyon days of the early nineties when every man and his dog enjoyed making Fimo accessories. As I gazed upon her lumpy red and blue neck ornament, I could easily visualise the chubby fingers of the Maroochydore After School Club members rolling and prodding the clay into shape before baking it for ten minutes, slapping on some cheap paint and posting it off to Channel Ten as a gift for Gretel. Warmed the cockles of my heart, it did.

Vesna!
Yes, we’re at a point where Vesna simply appearing on screen is a highlight. But my favourite specific Vesna moment was when Gretel questioned her about her tracksuit ensemble. Vesna replied saucily “If it’s good enough for Britney, it’s good enough for me!” Words to live by. I muttered something similar the other week when I let Kevin Federline make frenzied, Alsatian-like love to me in a public toilet block.

Kate’s Blue Eye Shadow!
Actually, hang on - I hate Kate’s blue eye shadow. Why does she insist on smearing it all over her eyelids each eviction night? ITS NOT EYESHADOW WE WANT, KATE! WE LIKE YOU WEARING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF EYELINER! GET IT RIGHT!

Timmy Crying His Heart Out!
Isn’t he adorable and sensitive and swarthy? DON’T QUESTION MY INTERPRETATION OF EVENTS!

Anyway, life goes on post-eviction.

On a slightly different topic, I note that a few people have made reference to me not being unbiased about the show and passing judgement too harshly and quickly on certain housemates.

Deep down, I don’t hate anyone who appears on reality television. Except Carlo from Series Three Big Brother. But hell, these people are on a reality television show where they are basically asking the Australian public to judge their personality and if they’re not found wanting, award them a rather large cash prize. I am not the United Nations. I am not particularly fair or unblinded by affection. I am utterly fickle and my loyalties change almost hourly. I do not pretend otherwise, kids. It’s a telly show, we’re a rubbish website and I tend to shit out opinion pieces about people I’ll never meet. Please be aware that like Rita, that’s just the way I am AND I CAN NEVER CHANGE SO CEASE POINTING OUT MY FAULTS, GOD LOVE YOU.

Ahem. So truth be told, Kate might not be the devil’s spawn. She might be a daft young thing who made a stupid comment and backed it up with a ridiculous justification. She may just need to be ‘educated’ as so many people have argued both here and on various Big Brother messageboards.

But it’s good she didn’t win. It makes me smile. And Timmy’s gonna go all the way, I can feel it in my bones.

Posted by Jess at 6:12 PM Link | Comments (20)

July 29, 2005

Thatcher-Birdcunt & Vesna Discuss Tim’s Unfortunate Kate Crush

Kate: It must suck, for him. Can you imagine liking someone?”

Vesna: No, I’ve never liked anyone in my life.

A brilliant response to an astoundingly stupid comment. Vesna is really quite superb.

Last night while watching the Big Brother daily show, I decided to see whether the fact Thatcher is a manipulative lady who whinges constantly about Tim’s feelings for her to gain sympathy from the public\other housemates and yet simultaneously subtly flirts with him in order to give him feelings of hope and encouragement was blindingly obvious to someone who doesn’t watch the show.

I decided to grill Housemate Steve - the only member of our share house of love who has managed to avoid the show like the plague. He’s also a boy (certified by medical authorities nearly 27 years ago, I believe) so he was able to give me a Straight Male Perspective on the issue.

He watched Kate, Tim and Greg in the diary room talking to Big Brother. He watched Kate’s hands linger on Tim’s shoulder. He watched her fingers gently outline the words “Shag me, Timmy” on his back. He watched her giggle girlishly and flash her big gummy conservative smile in the hapless Tim’s direction.

VERDICT - Thatcher is definitely flirting with Lefty Tim.

Some will screech upon reading the above “Goddamn you, Jess! Can’t a girl just be nice to a boy without her motives suffering from misconstrusion?! Are you even intellect, for fuck’s sake?!”

I understand that sometimes girls are nice to boys, and boys with easy hearts can read it the wrong way and develop crushes that put everyone in an awkward, awful position.

But there’s something about Kate I just don’t trust - and it started before the recent homophobia scandal. When she tearfully nominated Logan David to stay the other week rather than Logan Greg (who we all know she liked more), I couldn’t help but feel her choice had less to do with her believing “David really wanted to be on the show and it was his idea” thus keeping him was the right thing to do, and more to do with her being savvy enough to realise Greg would be more popular with the audience. Keeping David increased her chances of winning the prize money.

It is with this same anti-Thatcher paranoia that I suspect Kate gives Tim little snippets of encouragement now and then and just when he feels comfortable enough to talk to her about his feelings again, she immediately switches into damsel in distress mode. Her attempts to blacken Timmy’s reputation MAKES MY HEART HURT AND A FIERY MURDEROUS FEELING OF RAGE BURN INSIDE MY HEAD.

Add to that her reaction to Tim’s hilarious cross dressing “free your mind” rambling (telling Mel stuff along the lines of “That’s creepy, he seemed to enjoy it too much, I think he got an erection”) which struck me as an obvious attempt at putting anti-Tim ideas in a fellow housemate’s head.

DAMN HER! DAMN HER!

This is why you should text Melanie to 19 10 10, and then REALLY kick Kate’s arse in an overwhelming landslide of an eviction the week after. Cough.

Posted by Jess at 1:41 PM Link | Comments (20)

July 28, 2005

This Is The Hottest Picture Ever.

Look at this photo. Look at it.

It is utterly amazing. Fantastic. It makes me giggle in a girlish manner and turn a flustered shade of pink in the cheeks region.

Look at it again.

My beloved Foppybear and I spent ten minutes on the phone together looking at the pic simultaneously and sighing in a vaguely disconcerting manner.

Let’s see it again.

Fop has written a wonderful post about this photo on his blog which you must read. If only to see the image used five times in one post.

We can’t be alone in finding it completely hypnotic. I rang Nads and she agrees with us. Do you?

DO YOU?

That is all.

Posted by Jess at 3:30 PM Link | Comments (13)

July 26, 2005

We Need To Have A Chat About Kate.

By now you’ve all heard about Kate’s homophobic idiocy on last night’s Uncut. Before I kick this post off though, I should mention that I haven’t seen the footage of the post boypash conversation personally as I was busy having a farewell dinner with my sister and nephew* last night. I’m having to go from website reports on what happened.

Anyway, let’s kick off with a transcript of the chat thanks to Cheeky from the Behind Big Brother Forums. Follow the link and you’ll be able to see Kate’s explanation as to why she has the following attitude - for those who can’t be bothered clicking, it can be summed up with “gay boyfriend during teenage years”.

THINGS WE CAN CONCLUDE FROM THE ABOVE TRANSCRIPT

* Homophobia is so boring and shit.
* Besides, everyone knows gay is the new black.
* In fact, it’s trendy to be gay. By the way, follow that link and read the article when you get a moment. It’ll remind you of how sanctimonious, self-righteous and cunty people can be.
* But back to Big Brother!
* Kate is an idiot.
* Kate will not win Big Brother now.
* Tim is utterly wonderful.
* Tim is also far too patient when it comes to Kate.
* Greg’s attitude has surprised and impressed me.
* Mel should be quiet.
* No, Rita. You are simply physically unable to “just say something” - not without rambling on for hours at a time. I love that everyone ignored her when she began pleading for attention. Good thinking, team.

Oh, Thatcher-Birdcunt. What were you thinking? Buggerfuck, indeed. Since Kate’s up for eviction this week (along with the delightfully insane and shouty Vesna and the Marlee Matlin-voiced Melanie) it’s fair to say that Kate’s stance on The Gays will be the final nail in her Big Brother coffin. Some may insist Kate was just expressing the fact that she doesn’t get turned on (unlike - shudder - Rita) by men kissing and that this isn’t the same as homophobia. However, Kate’s repeated (and proud, from all reports) declarations of “I’m homophobic. I hate it. It makes me sick.” tend to speak for themselves.

REASONS TO VOTE KATE OUT
* She has serious issues with gay men!
* She strings Tim along (and he lets her, but shh)!
* She’s a conservative!
* She gets jealous of people feeding the pigs!

Fair reasons indeed. I’m all for Kate losing Big Brother and getting grilled by a gays-loving Gretel at her eviction, swear to God. However…

COMPELLING REASONS TO KEEP KATE IN ANOTHER WEEK
* If she stays in just one more week, I will be at her eviction. Wearing a shirt that says “Boys Will Be Do Boys!”. Waving Queer As Folk posters in the air and passing out photocopied excerpts of Brokeback Mountain. WON’T THAT BE GOOD?!

As ever, I leave it in the public’s hands. Seriously - Kate is shit and needs to go… but can’t it be when I’m there to heckle her personally? Can’t it, God?

(slaps self)

Sorry. I needed that. I was being selfish. Vote Thatcher-Birdcunt out and feel good about it. Besides, as my dearest fellow Big Brother addict pointed out to me this morning, if Kate’s out this week it means she’ll be signing autographs at the cocktail party before the show I will be attending. Which ought to make it easier to spit out a pithy one-liner at her before primly informing her Tim is now considered a heartthrob and her taste in men absolutely blows goats. Then, right before I haughtily turn away, I’ll slip her a note that says “I do respect your focused and frantic method of masturbating in the sauna though.”

Sounds like a plan, I reckon.

* Just to share, they’re heading back to London this morning. I should mention I have the coolest seven year old nephew in the world. When we walked into the church for my other sister’s wedding in Perth, he began loudly singing “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.” He enthusiastically chats to me about the merits of Bloc Party (who he “managed to catch” at the London Astoria not long ago) and this morning as we said goodbye, he assured me he’d miss me and loves me “but in a mates way” since girls are gross. Good god! Still, I fucking love how rock and roll he is.

Posted by Jess at 3:31 PM Link | Comments (24)

July 25, 2005

Goodbye Rita! Goodbye Christie!

I wanted to write a killer recap about last night’s double eviction, I swear to God. I was going to mention how Rita is the most annoying person to ever walk the earth and how Gretel is under some sort of delusion that Christie was ace in the house rather than just trampy and dim. I was going to mention that Christie, like so many of the Big Brother evictees who have come before her since the show started in 2000, was remarkably more likable once she was onstage chatting to Gretel. I may have added that Vesna is adorable in a screechy way, and that Greg’n’Kate could well end up pashing should Big Brother supply the house with alcohol at some point this week. Hell, knowing me I probably would have brought up the fact TIM IS A GOD WHO IS SO HANDSOME AND SEXY! LEFTY TIM’S FRIENDS - DO YOU READ THIS BLOG? CAN YOU ARRANGE FOR ME TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND KTHX

But I can’t really get into any of that right now because I have to tell you something.

It looks as though this young gal may well be going to an eviction in two weeks. Can you believe it? CAN YOU? I certainly can’t.

It will be the boozy road trip to end all boozy road trips. For the first time EVER, ausculture.com will be reporting live from a tin-shed filled to the brim with dribbling stupid and deranged folk - the sort who turn up to live shows at Dreamworld wearing crap t-shirts and waving idiotic banners. Oh, who am I kidding - I will BE one of the dribbling stupid and deranged folk at a live show wearing a crap t-shirt and waving an idiotic banner. May God have mercy on my soul.

T-shirt and banner slogan suggestions welcome x

Posted by Special Guest at 5:36 PM Link | Comments (13)

July 20, 2005

A Quick Big Brother Recap

Hotdogs Left!
This was a good thing. He was sucking up to Dean faaaaar too much. Did we all love it when Gretel joked - several times - that Hotdogs had fallen in love with Dean? I squealed in delight.

Dean Left!
This was a BRILLIANT thing. I shared the moment with a few of my most beloved of peeps over at the abode of Ms Tuppence and her charming fellow. Tuppence made us champagne with crushed strawberries (which I could not touch due to my new alcohol free lifestyle\alcohol poisoning on Sunday night), strawberries dipped in chocolate and PINK CUPCAKES! I cannot think of a better way to see a fuckstick like Dean get his comeuppance.

Tim Rules!
Yes, he really does! But I do hope he stops moping over Kate and focuses on being hilarious and wonderful and truly, deeply sexual.

Kate Is A Furious Frigger!
Deadset! Last night’s Uncut episode literally left me with my jaw on the floor. She took Christie into the sauna for… for… a wank! I could NOT believe it - Christie I knew would have no qualms about a bit of bean twiddling in the house, but Thatcher? Instigating matesy masturbation sessions? I was floored. Christie chatted the whole way through but Kate’s mind was on one thing and one thing only. Whenever Christie said anything, Kate would merely grunt distractedly in reply and the whole time her shoulder did not stop moving up and down in a frenzied manner. It was amazing television. Yes. I’m still a bit shocked.

David Is Gone!
Farewell, Saucehead! ALSO, OH MY GOODNESS, IT’S REALLY GETTING CLOSE TO THE END OF THE SERIES, ISN’T IT?!? Sorry to shout, but HOW EXCITING ETC.

And Now…
We return to our normal programming x

Posted by Jess at 9:29 PM Link | Comments (17)

July 13, 2005

TAKE YOUR VITAMINS

Ms Fits guest posts:

‘Why is everything I like bad for you? Why does your stomach feel strange if you sit at home eating musk sticks for seven hours straight? What’s up with feeling constantly poorly if you drink all day every day? And why have some CRACKPOT LUNATICS IN WHITE COATS DECIDED THAT BIG BROTHER IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH???

If I may quote:

‘Psychologists testing viewers who tuned in to the British show for just six hours found alarming side effects in their mental health, including increased levels of anxiety, depression and hostility.

Yet when the same guinea pigs were asked to watch daytime TV as an experimental control, they reported virtually no ill effects.

Glasgow Caledonian University researchers specialising in television-related research, were commissioned to carry out the study by London’s Mail on Sunday newspaper.

The subjects watched Big Brother for two hours a day for three days.’

Four things that are wrong with this study:

1. They were watching British Big Brother. Which as we all know is getting weird at series 6 stage with militant lesbians and Sudanese refugees.

2. They watched two hours a day for only three days. Of course they were anxious and hostile. It’s hardly enough time to get to know who everyone is or what their relationship history holds. Have they pashed? Have they had a bitch-fight in the toilet? WHO IS THAT GUY AND WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS HAIR? I’d be anxious too.

3. They were guinea pigs, for fuck’s sake. LIKE A RODENT-TYPE CREATURE WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL GOOD TELEVISION WHEN HE OR SHE WITNESSED IT.

4. I refuse to give up my final, immensely satisfying vice. Fuck the scientists. Fuck the lot of them.

Remember! SMS ‘Dean’ to 191010. IMMEDIATELY.

X’

This guest post was brought to you by Ms Fits. You can go and visit her website here.

Posted by Special Guest at 2:20 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

July 7, 2005

Tim Versus Dean | Sorry About Disappearing

Dearest Big Brother Blog readers,

My most sincere apologies regarding my absence this week. I had planned on launching a thrilling online campaign to have Dean\Christie\Hotdogs killed, but I was so caught up carving a Dean voodoo doll out of a potato that I simply ran out of time.

Would you like to know my thoughts regarding the whole Dean-Tim situation? Well, I could pretty much just sum it up with this image.

But that’s immature. So here’s what I would say to the Shitbags Posse aka Dean, Hotdogs and Christie.

DEAN! - Haha you are such a loser and as I have loudly proclaimed to all and sundry over the past week, I cannot wait until you become fat and unattractive (and dude, you’re only a few years\pastas off) and then you have nothing to rely on but your personality - which is COMPLETELY CUNTY! You’re an insecure bully and you can’t stand that Tim doesn’t feel intimidated by you. You’ve gone out of your way to become this year’s Alpha Male but only truly succeeded in becoming this years Alpha Jizzbucket. Even after you stomped your feet and tried to take moral high ground, Tim refused to indulge you and you backed down like a little bitch. AND THEN you talked yourself up to your emotional fellater Hotdogs! I CANNOT WAIT TILL YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE AND REALISE THAT EVERYONE WITH A BRAIN THINKS YOU ARE AN UTTER WANKRAG! And then you’ll develop chimp-tits. Sweet.

HOTDOGS! - Dude, please. You could have at least attempted to hide your thrilled smile\swollen Bruce when Dean referred to it being “Just you and me, Dogs. Just you and me.” You do realise you’re going to have to fight Logan David for the role of Dean’s lover, don’t you? Your adoration of “Deano” has blinded you to the fact the man is a shitheap, and anyone who acts morally indignant about the fact they didn’t manage to get away with shitting on a toilet strikes me as mildly retarded. Don’t start with the whole “But the boys were gonna gang up against the girls and you don’t let down the boys cos it’s boys against girls and poor Deano, etc!” rubbish - you’re a grown man, not a twelve year old male at a co-ed boarding school. I hope you choke on Dean’s man broth during an Uplate episode and we all get to laugh at you. I can’t believe I was beginning to like you, Simon.

CHRISTIE - Here’s a tip, Christie - the boys are still gonna think of you as a whinging little shit no matter how much you sell out your other housemates. It’s totally obvious that you’re prepared to backstab anyone in order to get a pat on the head from Dean and\or a midnight grope from Logan Greg and guess what? It’s never going to be enough to make the boys like you - they’ll just use you for information and toss you away when you’ve served your purpose. On a side note, has anyone ever seen Christie and the Paddle Pop lion in the same room?

Truth be told, I don’t care about the three of them as much as the bitter rant above might indicate. Do you know why? Because I am directing all my emotions toward my intense, deep and passionate love for Tim. He is shining in a house full of dullards and officially my favourite housemate ever.

In other news, I’m gonna be away for a week but I’m hoping a few deliciously saucy bloggers will chuck a guest post on here to keep you entertained, so don’t go anywhere. Posted by Jess at 4:04 PM Link | Comments (50) | TrackBack (0)

July 3, 2005

Shearer - Woohoo! Gets Evicted - Woohoo!

Big Brother 2005’s legendary (and inexplicable) lady-killer Glenn has been swiftly booted from the Gold Coast compound tonight with an overwhelming 49% of votes from the public. Apparently the housemates are bewildered -

Since Australia loves nothing more than a slow-paced country bumpkin, the housemates were probably quite right to be surprised by Glenn’s exit this evening. In a world of Martys and Nolls, Glenn should have been exactly the type of person to win Big Brother. But it turns out having a fair dinkum Strayun accent and wearing too much flannel isn’t enough to do well in reality shows these days. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS CRAZY WORLD?!

Glenn arrived on the eviction stage to the sound of booing from the crowd - so he happily cheered himself on. He seemed genuinely confused as to why people might not be impressed with him after his time in the house. Thankfully, Gretel was at her school marm best and she attempted valiantly to show him moments from his time in the house which, frankly, made him look like a sleazy try-hard fuck wit.

She may as well have discussed his behaviour with an inanimate object - perhaps his famous tight footy shorts - as I dare say they would have grasped what she she was trying to get across a little better.

You’ve got to admire a man so incredibly dim that he continues to scream “woohoo” in an admiring manner when shown footage of his naughty behaviour - all while the crowd is in the middle of baying for his blood. Dear sweet foolish Glenn, they were never going to “woohoo” you back.

Gretel asked him if he regretted his behaviour in the house - nah, mate. He was there for a good time, not a long time. The crowd weren’t happy, so Gretel gently pushed again, hoping Glenn would take the hint and display some sort of remorse which may have calmed down the unimpressed crowd. He seemed oblivious and continued to insist he was just being himself.

Finally, Gretel managed to get him to smirk out an “I’m sorry” - but bless his honest true blue soul, when she immediately asked him to confirm whether he was “really sorry” or just trying to say what the crowd wanted to hear, he mumbled something along the lines of “Juss sayin’ what the ord-yence wanna ‘ear, maaaate”. More boos.

When Gretel originally announced it was time for Glenn to go, I sent a text message to my beloved Big Brother banter buddy saying something along the lines of “Here’s hoping they do a Fryzie\Monica situation and bring Michelle out on stage!” Imagine my sheer delight when THEY DID JUST THAT!

Michelle swanned onstage in the manner of an angry wronged woman on a Jerry Springer episode - if she’d picked up a chair, I would not have been at all surprised. She wasted no time in giving him the thumbs down and informing him he was “a jerk!”

His earlier brave face crumbled in the face of his pissed off former paramour. He crossed his arms in a frightened sort of way, looked at the ground and for the first time appeared to be appropriately chastened as he offered up an “I’m sorry” to Michelle. Ha! She tore some strips off him, Gretel looked stern, and Glenn actually looked like he might cry.

Perhaps realising that he’d - deservedly or no - copped a fair bit of flack on his eviction night, Gretel tried to add that Glenn was also an “entertaining” housemate. Yes, Glenn - YOU’RE AN MISOGYNISTIC SCUMBAG WHO CAN’T KEEP HIS COUNTRY COCK IN HIS FOOTY SHORTS but that time you did the pole dance sure made us laff. Everybody, let’s hear it for GLENN THE LOVABLE ARSEHOLE!

Deep down, I’m sure Glenn isn’t a bad bloke. He just cared too much about impressing “his mates” and if that had to happen at the expense of a chick, so be it. It’s all for a laugh, maaaate. Just a bit of fun and that! He’s no different to tonnes of 21 year olds out there - he was just too simple to realise that making disparaging remarks about female housemates and talking about your randy plans out loud while being filmed for national television probably won’t endear you to an audience. At least he was honest with the public, even if he didn’t behave in a thoroughly decent and truthful way when it came to the ladies.

Oh Lord. It was the best eviction ever. I screamed and cringed and laughed and kicked the air with joyful abandon as Glenn was put through the wringer. Sadistic, but incredibly entertaining and gratifying.

Posted by Jess at 11:23 PM Link | Comments (18) | TrackBack (0)

June 29, 2005

Glenn Talks Dirty…

Youse evah hadda Sess Massaarrhj? Oi bloynfal yew an that, sarzya carn see wozgawwenorn. Oi stard orf by rubbin’ ya back wif oil. All ovah an that. Rubbin’ ya neck and shit. Rooly payin’ close ‘tenshun teyah. Oi rub down ya alms an back rownja necken that, an downya lecks too. Oi rub me chess upagenshta an shit, rool hot. Lodsa oyl. Then oi flip yas ovah an, loike, do the same an that. An then wenyarz all oyled upanthat, oi giveya a happy endin’. Yeah, Ay-Boy-Soy. Yeah, fershuuur. An juss when youse is bout to splode an that… oi slippedin. An the gewl, maaate. She loike, juss comes stroight awoy cos sheeze all penn up an that. Oi don lass mushlonga eye-ver cos oym preeddy mushreddy to splode an that meself, boy that stay-jah. Yeeeah.

Michelle got it totally wrong - he is not a baa-stard! Shearer is an erotic gift to the ladies of the nation, wrapped lovingly in a blue singlet top and tight footy shorts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a cigarette.

For some reason, the original of this entry mysteriously disappeared. Here it is again, minus the original comments. No, I don’t know what happened. Stupid technology.

Posted by Jess at 11:13 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

Chortle. Ahem…

This is them -

From what I can gather, the girls consist of a blonde bird who thinks she rocks (yawn) and a blonde bird who has pashed Grant Hackett. We’ll wait till they enter the house before discussing them further (i.e. dissecting every flaw and irritating personality trait they have).

But I did want to mention the fact I feel we need to pay special attention to Heath The Bloke. He looks like a surfie version of the lead singer from The Music and he sounds like Glenn - which means absolutely nothing, but hear this! He has an additional Bec Cartwright’s Cleft Chin dimension to his face! Will his bumchin prove powerful enough for him to win Big Brother? Let’s hope not - for Lefty Tim’s sake.

In the name of Lefty Tim and all that is good and pure and righteous in this crazy world, we pray.

(Can I get an hallelujah?)

Posted by Jess at 1:28 AM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)

June 21, 2005

Oh, I Forgot To Mention…

Lefty Tim is getting spunkier by the day.

Meanwhile, this article contains much of the brilliant Tim-related stuff people have been commenting and emailing me about. I wanted to quote parts of it, but the ENTIRE THING IS GREAT (just like Tim) so here it is in full.

I could just eat him up with a spoon.

Posted by Jess at 11:40 PM Link | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0)

Two Of The Many Sides Of The Man We Love

From the diary -

LEFTY TIM IS FUNNY!

LEFTY TIM IS KIND!

More to come…

Posted by Jess at 11:32 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

GREATEST DAY EVER ALERT

ausculture.com isn’t the sort of website where we like to sit around all day virtually blowing our own trumpet. No, really. Don’t question me.

That said, we claim full and total responsibility for the latest Big Brother development. According to the ever-reliable Centrebet, Lefty Tim is now the new favourite to win the show.

Take a moment to let this information sink in.

LEFTY TIM - FAVOURITE TO WIN

Considering this has occured a mere two days after we threw our hefty, plump and boozed up support behind The World’s Greatest Housemate Ever, well - it’s clear we possess more power than we ever imagined*.

Here are the latest Centrebet odds. Prepare to wee yourself with joy.

This is a glorious day for anyone with a soul.

*Dudes, calm down - we’re quite obviously kidding! HAHAHA we don’t really think we’re omnipotent**!

** Truth be told, we probably do, a little. We’re arrogant like that.

Posted by Jess at 1:25 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

June 20, 2005

Tonight’s Nomination Show Summed Up In One Line

STERLING EFFORT, DEAN!

The One Liner Competition…

• Geneva is mental!
• David is a prick!
• Greg has a sweet lisp and bunny teeth and is very nice!
• Kate is quite pretty!
• Kate is IGNORANT (thanks, Rachael)!
• Tim is the best person in there by a mile!
• Tim is HILARIOUS!
• I want Tim to be my best friend!
• Etc!

Posted by Jess at 10:36 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

‘I Was A Bad Dog’ - Indeed!

According to website BBBA, Hotdogs’ bad behaviour the other night wasn’t just limited to some chuckle-worthy sleazy eye contact with the girls, acting like a petulant child toward Vesna, and touching Glenn on his absolutely true blue willy.

Considering this is a show where past housemates like Belinda have been awarded a strike for (quite reasonably, I might add) declaring they’d like to throttle fellow housemates who have indulged in some rather childish and cruel bullying, it is rather daft that it took viewer outrage on sites like BBBA before - twenty four hours later - Big Brother bothered to punish Hotdogs



She’s rather cluey, that Vesna. I like her.

Meanwhile - fire in the house! FIRE IN THE HOUSE!

For once, it’s not just a dry-rooting Geneva-Glenn coupling causing things to get heated in the sauna. Yes, I’m aware that line doesn’t work on so very many levels. Hush.

Posted by Jess at 6:29 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

June 19, 2005

Highlights From Tonight’s Eviction Show

• I absolutely loved Gretel asking the audience to say “Hello, house!”… and then demanding primly that if they were going to do it, they had better enunciate clearly and correctly. Because you just know the housemates - passionate defenders of literacy and pronunciation that they are - would be appalled to hear the English language raped by a pack of braying bogans.

• I am thrilled whenever Hotdogs refers to himself in the third person. It reminds me of why I thought he was a stupid cunt I have inappropriate feelings towards him from time to time. “I’ve been a bad Dog.” - WOOF to that, says I!

• I also sat back and enjoyed Gretel asking Christie’s sister Carlie which housemate she fancied, and after Carlie replied “Ummm… Dean, I guess…”, Gretel hastily replied “He’s taken… and you’re fifteen.” Yes, Dean’s much too old for a teen lover. People in glass houses, Gretel.

• It is always wonderful when Gretel begins hearing Big Brothers voice in her head (via a ear-piece, alas). It’s as though she’s forgotten to take some essential medication before the show. She begins talking to the air and making movements with her body which seem a lot like a homage to Law & Order: Criminal Intent’s Detective Goran… performed by someone on crack.

• Tim’s muscles - he is going to be so completely buff in a week or two. EVEN THOUGH HE IS HOT NOW!

• Did we all love when Rachael’s name got announced and Geneva began clapping until she realised that it might not be appropriate or look too good?

• I had a chuckle when Gretel asked Rachael “Who did you like least in the house?” and Rachael replied something along the lines of “David, because I didn’t know how to take him. Sometimes he was really mean, but other times he could be really sweet.” That’d be Greg, love. Confusing I know.

Finally, I might just add now that I thought Gretel was in fine form tonight towards the end of the show. She was appropriately gentle and mothering when required, but didn’t gloss over everything too much either.

As for Rachael, well - I actually got to a point by the end of the week where I didn’t want kill her - and considering what an insanely irritating character she started out as, that’s an achievement not to be sniffed at.

I suppose the next big question is… who will David find to start dramas with in a thinly disguised effort to woo Dean?

Posted by Jess at 11:48 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

Just Keep Telling Yourself…

… she supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq.

(she could be converted though, right?)

Posted by Jess at 5:44 PM Link | Comments (27) | TrackBack (1)

An Important Announcement On Where We Stand

While ausculture.com have always had a tender spot for dear Lefty Tim, it wasn’t until today that we made up our mind to back him to win. There were a few other folk in the house who we suspected might also make deserving winners, BUT NOT ANYMORE*.

REASONS TO LOVE LEFTY TIM
* He is passionate about gastro intestinal issues! * He can’t dance! * He is good humoured about even the most arsey behaviour from the boys! * He apologised to Christie for being too harsh when she didn’t deserve it! * He can eat wood! (not actually true) * He has extra eye-lids! (not actually true either) * He doesn’t support the war in Iraq**! * He is EXTREMELY buffed and muscular!

Also, there are a zillion other reasons and we will bring them up as the weeks go on. If you can think of a reason to LOVE Lefty Tim, please feel free to let us know.

*That said, I’d still probably invite Kate along to a kd lang concert, if you catch my drift.

**I’m a filthy latte lefty, remember?

Posted by Jess at 5:41 PM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)

June 15, 2005

Not That I’m Sceptical…

… but can anyone confirm this is true? I couldn’t shake off a deep feeling of confliction when I read it.

Posted by Jess at 1:25 AM Link | Comments (25) | TrackBack (0)

Hello Ladies And\Or Gentlemen

Free up a hand and get ready to phwoar, because here’s… LOGAN GREG!

Wow, he’s the only Logan with a soul AND he looks pretty in hot pants? Well done, Greg! Pity about the whole Christie thing!

It slightly ruins the mood when you read he’s shoved a sock down there, I admit, but nevertheless it’s all rather pleasing.

And speaking of pleasing, isn’t it wonderful that Big Brother has helpfully clarified for us that despite Greg wearing the INTERNATIONAL GAY UNIFORM, he only likes vagina! PHEW! Thanks for clearing that up guys!

Posted by Jess at 1:16 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

June 13, 2005

Random Thoughts.

• Glenn really is a complete arse, isn’t he?
• I feel sorry for Michelle - but Gretel totally wants to make it up to her in a Sapphic manner. “Isn’t it awful, Michelle? I know it’s hard, Michelle. Gee, Michelle - you look great. You’ve been so wonderful and strong, Michelle. I bet you aren’t interested in guys anymore, are you Michelle? Have you seen my dressing room, Michelle? Want to have a lie down?”
• Tim is going to win Big Brother. Or at the very least, he’ll come second behind Kate. Teehee. I’m feeling rather confident about that.
• I hope - even though she’s irritating beyond belief - that StrawVadge makes it through the eviction in order to keep Cunty Dean infuriated and throwing tantrums. And since the Australian public has a habit of doing the opposite of what I demand of them, I’m confident she’ll be the one to get booted on Sunday night.
• Personally, I think Geneva should probably go. She’s yet to murder anyone and she’s more needy than I can tolerate.
• That said, Christie could go too and I probably wouldn’t mind either way. Am I losing my Big Brother momentum?
• DAMN YOU GLENN! DAMN YOU FOR RESCUING DEAN!
• Have I mentioned lately that I love Tim? But Gretel had better watch herself - I’m less than impressed by her tendency to make snide remarks about him. Don’t make me shake my fist at the screen again, you cheeky little half-Graxon!
• Dudes, has anyone heard of some Orson bloke? Orphan? Orwell? Apparently he’s like, a producer or something on the show. (dribbles)

Posted by Jess at 11:22 PM Link | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0)

June 12, 2005

Or WAS There Sexing?

The more I read about yesterday morning’s supposed “sex fest” in the bath, the more I wondered whether there was a chance the entire thing could be a publicity stunt. Let’s face it, Channel Ten and Southern Star Endemol are pretty shameless, bless ‘em, when it comes to flogging their pieces of meat, and frankly - things just didn’t seem to ‘click’. Was it all an effort to ensure they kept the ratings of their desired demographic on Monday night?

Cue tonight’s episode. Michelle, the unlucky evictee and supposed bath-sexer, sure didn’t seem as though she wondered or was concerned about whether Australia had witnessed her having some Shearer-doodle fun. Gretel didn’t mention it at all whilst talking to Michelle. In fact, it struck me as though the Big Brother folk were trying their hardest NOT bring up the topic lest Michelle admit nothing had actually happened and their beat up was for nothing.

Reader Katy linked to this article on BBBA which states that their sites’ Live Feed watchers were unclear as to whether Glenn and Michelle had gotten it awn in the bath.

Interesting.

And is this the greatest pictorial summary of the love those two crazy kids shared?

That photo is getting you a little hot, admit it. It’s utterly clear this whole “sex” (no wait, sorry - that should be “taking relationships to new levels” since Big Brother would hate to be accused of saying something untrue) thing is a bit of an exaggeration. So follow ausculture.com’s advice and don’t be taken for a sucker. Tape Big Brother and watch Last Man Standing on Channel Seven instead*.

(but don’t forget to watch Uncut at SOME point so we can discuss it in seedy detail)

Also, hasn’t Glenn been shown up as the shallow root rat scumbag he is? It was highly entertaining\painful to see poor Michelle realise (over a five minute period of watching footage) that her “genuine” sweet bloke was actually a sex-crazed flirt who only seems concerned with impressing the lads in the house.

* Yes, I’m giving props to a fellow blogger. But I can personally guarantee how good the show is going to get, so don’t miss out on the fun. Plus you might see another wonderful pair of baps x

PS: Remind me never to blog drunk again. This post is probably riddled with mistakes.

Posted by Jess at 11:50 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

June 11, 2005

Sex! In! The! House!

Have Glenn and Michelle made Australian Big Brother history by having steamy sex in the bath after Glenn won the Rewards Room on the Friday Night Challenge? It would appear so.

There are so many things I love about this story.

• I love that Endemol Southern Star had a spokesperson make an announcement. There are quite a few men I know who’d love to have a publicist hold a press conference every time they’d successfully managed to poke a young lady. But I suppose that’s what pubs are for.
• I love that Endemol Southern Star used the phrase “took their relationship to another level” and smh.com.au referred to it as “love making”. Much more poetic than “had a drunken root in the bath”.
• I love the fact the NSW P&C President threw in her two cents on the bath time sex fest.
• I love that all this romantic development was kick-started by a pie eating contest. Warney and Alex Lloyd are probably on the phone to Four’N’Twenty as we speak in the hope of spicing up their own love lives.

Posted by Jess at 6:25 PM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (1)

June 8, 2005

A Brilliant Guest Post By Dirty Derek

And by “guest post” I mean “I read this on his freshly revived blog and begged him shamelessly to let me publish it because it was so ace” - the man is right on the proverbial money. As you can imagine, this is quite handy as I’ve been barely able to watch the show over the past two weeks. God bless you, Dirty, for being charitable enough to let me shove your glorious stuff on our Big Brother miniblog.

people who still mock watching big brother probably still wear stripey tights under their ripped jeans at the empress

by sir dirty derekus

Dickheads everywhere WAKE UP.

It IS entertaining watching people being psycologically tortured. (even if they volunteered)

It IS a good feeling to know you are better than the goofballs on tv.

It IS beneficial to introspect on how you would go in the house (thus realizing that the entire nation would be revulsed at your personal habits so you’d better change them or the young missus will shortly bugger off)

It IS important to be able to have something to talk about with just about anyone you come across.

It IS good for insecure young men to see small dicks on real people.

It IS good for insecure young women to show their boobs.

It IS better to have temporary national celebrities who don’t sing shithouse songs in insincere trained voices.

It IS good to get smashed and attend an eviction with msfits and gang, drink mikey goldman’s drinkcard ‘till it’s crisp, and whoop and holler at every given oppotunity.

You are behind the times, and are probably still drinking flat whites, unaware that the post latte flat white rebellion is over.

I pity the fools.

Posted by Jess at 5:48 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)

June 6, 2005

Odds, Odds, Odds!

The delightful Mark from Centrebet sent me an email tonight simply bursting at its metaphorical seams with gambling goodness. Wanna see the latest odds? Do you? Hit it!

Cheers Mark!

And if Glenn wins this thing, I am going to turn homicidal. Did we not love on tonight’s show when Geneva nominated Glenn for every reason she could possibly think of other than the real reason ie. he wants to slip Michelle a serving of his mutton dagger and he doesn’t want poor old Serial Killer Eyes in the way - gold.

Posted by Jess at 11:10 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

June 4, 2005

Big Brother Free For All

Big Brother fanatics!

If you kids (and sheezus, I know it sounds like homework but never mind) want to… oh, I don’t know, chat amongst yourselves about the show, feel free to imagine the comments feature of this post is actually a completely shoddy forum\messageboard thingy - you know, the type Leah McLeod or Jamie Durie would knock up over a weekend of filming and it’ll fall apart the following week due to rubbish workmanship - I would be thrilled to get the low down on what the hell’s been happening when I return from my wee holiday.

Don’t be shy now, and make sure you tell it like it is. I need to be educated. Unless you’re talking about pharmaceuticals or poker, in which case maybe hush up.

Posted by Jess at 2:47 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (1)

June 2, 2005

Popularity Assessment Time!

No, I won’t be regurgitating stats from the Big Brother site - instead, I’ll just tell you who I like and who I dislike, and you can agree or disagree as much as you like, m’dears!

I HEART THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE

- Kate! I certainly NEVER expected to like Thatcher, but by God - I really, really love her now. She’s not displayed any of the more typical Liberal traits (driving over elderly folk at pedestrian crossings for a lark, beating small children with mallets, spitting on refugees, sacrificing farm animals to the Dark Lord) and she’s been quite the adorable prude in the house. Her new Big Brother appointed role of task saboteur has endeared her to me even more - the killer giggle she let out while sneaking around the house and stealing dummy heads had me scribbling “Jess 4 Kate” over every available surface.

- Hotdogs! Once again, I thought I would loathe anyone named Hotdogs - it is without a doubt the world’s cuntiest name ever. So imagine my surprise to find him rather sweet and giggly and boyish and… goddammit, I find him a little hot too. It kills me, so there’s no need to mock me - I’m mocking myself.

- Lefty Tim! And not just because he’s a lefty anymore! I love that you can’t quite tell when he’s being serious and when he’s not - his frantic and increasingly ridiculous search around the house for his dummy’s noggin was straight from the world of a Commedia dell’Arte performance. Actually, I just said that so you’d be impressed I know what Commedia dell’Arte is. Please be impressed… Also, if there’s ever anything shit going on in the house (hello, nigger jokes!) he’s the first one there to say “Guys, this is not on.” without caring at all that he’s the odd one out. Way to have balls, Timmy! Oh, and then there’s this.

God, I love him. And if you’ll allow me to overuse the word ‘love’ on more time, I also LOVE that every single person involved in the Big Brother production appears unable to describe him without using the word “creepy” - and that includes the people who like him. He is brilliant. Even if I would never sleep with him.

Logan Greg! - Well, I don’t overly like or dislike his personality, but I’m finding him a bit cute. This is possibly due to the fact he looks like a model next to his red-headed mongfaced twin. No, I don’t know quite how that works either.

Vesna! - I don’t know whether it’s the fact she told the crowd to “oh calm down” in a snappy hairdresser tone (it’s a legitimate tone, trust me) or because she sighs “Alrighty then” before going to sleep with her arms folded. Maybe it’s neither, and I’m just impressed by the following -

Yeah, it’s probably just that.

I LOATHE THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE

Dean! - Just because he is so obviously an arrogant wankstain.

Rachael! - Because she is a vacuous mole who thinks she knows how to debate, but in reality she only knows one irrelevant phrase (“Oh is that what you think, honey?”) which she simply repeats with slightly differing expression. Any woman responsible for me cheering for DEAN (of all people!) in an argument, well - she deserves my mighty wrath. She also pokes her tongue out far too much at the end of a saucy sentence in an attempt to look playful (in reality, she just looks like she’s suffered a mild stroke) and her nose is too shiny. I am shallow.

Logan David! - I can only find it in me to like one of the Logan twins.

Geneva! - Again, sometimes I find her hot. But lately she is rather frightening and homicidal. She freaks out over nothing, gets bizarrely protective of people, wanks Glenn off while telling Michelle “Glenn’s yours, he’s always been yours…” and is unable to come within a metre of another human being without leaping upon them and thrusting like a dog in heat. Actually, that’s all quite wonderful. Perhaps I should put her in my Heart list?

Posted by Jess at 9:22 PM Link | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0)

Would You Like To Hear Some Gossip? You Would?

Well, lucky we’re here. And this time, we really did get a tip off from an anonymous source who just happens to be a personal real life (!) chum.

New housemate Rachael claims to be a “promotions model”. And you know what? She may indeed be one… some of the time. At other times though, she (allegedly - cough cough) can be found “working” at delightful clubs in the city, where the room temperature is so very hot that it is necessary to, erm, discard ones clothing. Quite a bit.

But that’s not all.

The night our dear anonymous source attended the aforementioned delightful club in the city - for work purposes, apparently - they had the great pleasure of receiving a personal show from an erotic dancer named Victoria, who looks UNCANNILY like Rachael. In fact, Victoria looks so much like Rachael, we may as well pass on the following information hilariously referring to Victoria AS Rachael. Catch my drift?

From all reports, Rachael is quite the enthusiastic dancer. She loves nothing more than pashing on with the other girls at the club AND she has a rather impressive - well, I don’t think impressive is the word I’m looking for, but nevertheless - party trick.

Rach has been known to pop a straw into a nearby drink… and then place the other end of the straw… in… up… into… cough… how should I put this delicately? Right up her spadger.

As my Big Brother loving buddy pointed out after I called to inform her of this interesting piece of news - “But does she make her vadge actually DRINK?” No, more’s the pity. That would be quite the showstopper.

BAD NEWS FOR EBAYERS THOUGH!

Although my source took the straw home (yes, you read that right - I make no apologies for the worrying behaviour of my chums), he has since thrown it out which means no sip’n’sniff fun for one lucky Big Brother watcher out there.

Posted by Jess at 8:36 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

June 1, 2005

So This Is One Of Tonight’s Intruders, Eh?

According to Sydney Confidential, below is a picture of young Rachael, a nineteen year old “promotions model” (another one?) from Liverpool who is due to enter the Big Brother compound as an intruder later tonight.

I don’t wish to judge the dear girl, but really - she does look remarkably stupid in that photo. The hair soothingly whispers “Gretel, I support you in your adoption of the blonde stringy bimbo look. Perhaps I too will find love in the arms of a group-tossing teen?” The eyes scream “Help me! I have been inhaling paint fumes and now I can see seven of you! And you’re all holding KNIVES!” The smile indicates the possibility of Rachael suffering from Katie Holmes syndrome whilst simultaneously slurring “I fink I done a wee wee an rooned my g-banger”.

Of course, she plans on “stirring things up” (yawn), and will presumably “play the game” “massively” until the other housemates find her “deplorable”.

Will she end up tonguing fellow “promotions model” Michelle? Will Geneva attempt to thrust her noggin between her legs in the sauna?* Will she and Glenn have inbred looking children? Will this shambolic “piece” contain further “words” in “quotation marks”?

We wait anxiously for tonight’s episode.
*And what do you mean by “her”, Jess Ausculture? Is she the cat’s mother? - Readers
“You’re absolutely right. I should apologise for not specifying clearly that GENEVA will want to put HER HEAD next to RACHAEL’S SPECIAL PLACE! TO LICK IT.” - Jess

Posted by Jess at 6:23 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

May 31, 2005

A Statement From Ausculture’s Solicitors

Folk, I’ve been advised to let a representative from our solictors make a statement to our readers. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Augustus Crunt, from our personal legal eagles Crunt, Libel & Associates.

So there you have it.

Posted by Jess at 11:55 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

Ahem

I dare say this simply needs to be copied and pasted without comment from me.

Carry on.

Posted by Jess at 10:39 PM Link | TrackBack (0)

I Am Still Out Of Breath

I realise I’m a big ol’ perve, but did everyone not LOVE tonight’s episode of Uncut? It contained ALL the required essentials for voyeuristic viewing thrills!

• Illicit pairings!
• Slight lesbian open mouth kisses!
• Girls and boys discussing the joys of cunnilingus!
• Penis!
• Penis!
• SCREAM - penis!
• Boozies!
• Boy masturbation!
• Girl masturbation!
• Girls adjusting vibrating toys to EACH OTHERS special places!
• Drunken fumblings!
• Sauna dry rooting!
• With extra moaning!

Deadset, I laughed hysterically like a creepy old man at a festival on acid. While frantically texting lewd comments to the SMS posse. Vodafone must be loving this season’s hold over me.

PS: Does anyone have a pic of Gianna in her nurses outfit? I cannot find a single one online and I find this appalling, disappointing and hurtful.

Posted by Jess at 12:59 AM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (1)

May 30, 2005

I Feel As Lonely As A Bullfrog

Gianna looked really hot in her Goodbye message.

Back soon.

Posted by Jess at 9:39 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

An Open Letter To Readers Of This Mini-Blog

Dear Big Brother blog readers,

I have let you down.

Due to various weekend activities which began on Friday night and ended last night, I have been unable to fill the role of Big Brother blogger for you. Worse, I haven’t even WATCHED THE SHOW since Thursday.

For a normal person, this might be excusable, but me? A self-proclaimed “Big Brother blogger”?

Dudes.

I’m meant to be telling you what the dilly-oh is going on, and I am completely out of it. Was there an eviction? Are we having intruders?

DON’T ASK ME, I HAVE NO IDEA.

I don’t deserve you. You shouldn’t even be here, not while this mini-blog has seriously taken it’s finger off the reality television pulse.

I swear to God, I will make this up to you with some serious Big Brother blogging tonight. It’ll make you feel hot in the pants department.

Please fling some thick gobs of virtual love and forgiveness my way.

Jess Ausculture x

Posted by Jess at 8:35 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

May 26, 2005

Why I’m Pretty Sure Michelle Is A Witch…

An insightful piece by the sometimes spicy, sometimes sweet: sugar and spice

Sure, some of you may be asking: Who is this (incredibly hot and witty) blogger and who made her an expert on Witches and why is she smearing her opinion in our blessed ausculture.com?

Well readers, the truth is I’m incredibly hot and witty and this gives me the right to do and say as I please. And today I choose to be an expert on Witches. So there. Oh, and I think I make Jess feel better because I also get a little “involved” with the whole Big Brother train and having me guesting probably makes her feel more at ease with her own obsession. But that’s purely speculation. (Hi Jess! Love you!) (ED: Your insolence will be punished. Possibly with a good spanking - grrrr!)

Right, so Michelle’s a Witch. And I shall prove it with comical Points of proof, that I’ve either made up or stolen from the Big Brother Diary and moulded to my liking.

Each time a new Point of proof is announced you will hear children screaming, cauldrons bubbling and lightening cracking. Because I ain’t talkin’ Harry Potter here, I’m talking baby eating, curse putting, flying monkey owning Witches.

Point of proof: 1
Ever read Roald Dahl’s The Witches? Well, it’s pretty accurate as far as I’m concerned. Roald makes it quite clear that Witches are in fact BALD. Michelle confesses quite early on the she is wearing hair extensions. I put it to you that she’s telling half truths and she’s actually BALD. BALD as the day she was born (I have it on good authority that she was definitely one of those ugly bald babies).

Conclusion: Witch

Point of proof: 2

Missing the taste of human children’s flesh are we Michelle?

Conclusion: Witch

Point of proof: 3
Have you heard her laugh?
Major cackler. Major.

Conclusion: Witch

Point of proof: 4

Trying to cover something up are we Mish?

Conclusion: Ugly Witch

Point of proof: 5

Exhausting keeping up appearances isn’t it Michelle? She’s obviously putting up some sort of “cloaking charm” (yes, I’ve seen The Craft) to fool the audience. Ha! You’re no match for me Witch!

Conclusion: Witch

Some lesser points:

• Michelle says: “I’ve been quiet good, actually. I’m quite flatulent.” Ok, I don’t actually have any evidence to say that Witches are flatulent, but I imagine they would be.
• She has fake boobs! FAKE BOOBS! She’s obviously trying to impress on us that she’s nurturing, whereas all the breasty nourishment is fake. FAKE! BOOBS! BOOBS FAKE!… oh sorry, a little carried away there, back to the point…
• She has a moustache! Again, potentially not a strong link to Witches. I really just wanted everyone to realise that she has a thick, hairy man-mo’.

You’re convinced aren’t you? She’s totally a Witch. I propose we subject her to some sort of ritualistic stake burning or dunking at the Friday Night Games.

Who’s with me!

*grabs pitch fork*

*gathers angry mob*

Posted by Jess at 6:51 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)

May 25, 2005

Just When You Thought He Couldn’t Impress You Anymore…

THIS JUST IN!

Lefty Tim is so well-endowed and gifted, he has actually trained his penis to touch-type, leaving him free to adopt a yogic position and meditate whilst simultaneously writing an online diary entry for the fawning masses.

The man is a fucking god.

Posted by Jess at 9:29 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

The Brains Trust - Spud & Janie Unite!

God help us - Christie and Gianna have united.

The irony of those two heckling Michelle’s looks and her dependence on make-up is so great, it would inspire Alanis Morrisette to record a double-album.

As for high fiving each other in congratulations, as though something witty had been uttered? Hilariously cringe-inducing.

As you were.

URGENT UPDATE

You felt degraded? Dumb? Stop crying, you silly wench. I doubt it’s the first time.

And also, Tim’s sincerity and adorableness in accepting Christie’s apology whilst also apologising for chastising her harshly regarding the milk\bed prank, it’s - well, it’s truly inspirational. THIS IS BECAUSE LEFTIES ARE ABLE TO SAY SORRY WITHOUT CHOKING ON BILE AND KEELING OVER, MR HOWARD.

Posted by Jess at 7:20 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

May 23, 2005

Bahn, Bow BAHN Bow Baaaahw Naaaaw…

That was my attempt at expressing porno bass lines through text.

Uncut?

I like.

I like indeed.

They’ve outdone the last four years in one episode.

And Gretel needn’t play so coy for the cameras, we all know she took one look at Saxon’s swaying willy in the first Big Brother III’s Uncut episode and decided she wanted to giddy it right up her clacker.

Highlights of the show, anyone?

I quite enjoyed the nudity the penis collection the boobies the laughs and general jovial air in the house. Michelle farting in Nelson’s face was also brilliant.

Tim’s masturbation-through-pillow-grinding percentages were hilarious.

And can we PLEASE bring Constance back? I miss her and her filthy, Sanchez-wearing ways.

Posted by Jess at 10:59 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (1)

Constance’s Statement

So, she and the spunky Connor have broken up.

Ouch - especially when he’s the reason she left the house. Bad luck for dear old Constance, whom I actually might have ended up choosing as my busty favourite (should she have managed to separate herself from the racist joke-telling, bullying arsewipes).

That said - did it necessitate an announcement on national television?

I think not.

Posted by Jess at 8:47 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

This Week’s Nominated Housemates

How exciting! This week’s nominees are -

• Geneva!
• Hotdogs!
• Gianna!

Two ridiculous names, and one fake one (everyone’s onto you, Janie) - booyah!

BUT DON’T GET TOO SETTLED, VIEWERS!

Cos Big Brother is one crazy homie, and thanks to his new rule regarding the Friday night challenge winner’s ability to remove three points from anyone who is nominated’s tally, ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Who will the winner - Gianna! - pick?

Well, while she’s fond of Hotdogs and Geneva, I suspect - but I’m far from 100% sure - that Gianna will choose to remove three points from her own scorecard. Will that mean Michael is pushed into the firing line?

STAY TUNED! I AM SO EXCITED, I MIGHT AS WELL BE A FUCKING POINTER SISTER!

---

One Adbreak Later…

Gianna chose herself! What a surprise!

This now means that Gianna is still up for eviction, but Michael has joined her. Will she pretend that - since her head remains on the chopping block - she took three points off someone else? I know that’s the lie I would be telling. But everyone in the house knows her too well, and they’ve already assumed she tried to save herself and failed miserably.

So here are the new nominees…

• Geneva!
• Gianna!
• Hotdogs!
• Michael!

Two final thoughts…

1 - Gianna must be so depressed about the fact she removed three points from her tally and she still sucks enough to the point she’s still up for eviction.

2 - Geneva still hasn’t learnt the age old Sharna Rule. When your name is announced, please do not hiss abuse at your fellow housemates.

Posted by Jess at 8:33 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

And What Will Constance’s Announcement Be?

During last night’s eviction, Gretel informed us that Constance would be joining her on the Monday night show to make an important announcement.

Naturally, we are left to wonder just what Constance will be telling us.

POSSIBLE ANNOUNCEMENT #1
“To everyone who said I looked like a shabby Kelly Clarkson with better tits? Go and get stuffed. Though thanks for saying nice stuff about my norgs. Can I *please have a car?”*

POSSIBLE ANNOUNCEMENT #2
“Guess what - I’m pregnant! And it has absolutely nothing to do with this show! But while I’m here, can I *please have a car?”*

POSSIBLE ANNOUNCEMENT #3
“I’d like to tell Australia to just BACK OFF when it comes to my mate Nelson - he’s not that bad, promise. Sure, he’s a bit of a racist wanker, but he’s not the only one making nigger jokes! Glenn’s been dropping them like Tim drops farts, and it hasn’t been shown on air - what the fuck? No fair! Also, my friend Nelson really wants a car, and umm, he said you could like, just give me the keys and I’ll, ummm, give them to him.”

Sigh.

Anyone know what she’s really planning on announcing?

Posted by Jess at 1:18 AM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

Angela Has Been Given The Boot

Let’s have a moment of silence for the dearly departed Angela Bishop.

She had a husky laugh, a sour mouth, a penchant for petty high school bitching (whilst insisting she was so over the immature high school ways of others) and enjoyed tonguing the bumpkin from time to time. Farewell, Bishop - at least the Channel Ten entertainment news team will be glad to have you back. Perhaps.

I wasn’t convinced it would be her going tonight though - I suspected, but in these crazy times, you simply can’t rely on instinct. Still, I wasn’t nearly interested enough to begin voting for this eviction.

Fifteen minutes before the phone lines closed though, the great minds of the SMS crew concluded (after hearing the excited cheers from the Gold Coast crowd at the mention of Tim’s name and the word “evicted”) that despite the fact Dean is as dull as dishwater after it has been soaking dull cutlery in extra-strength dull detergent with a splash of arrogant (or, to put it more clearly, he’s a fuckwit), he was unlikely to get the votes from the valuable vacuous teen demographic cos he looks pretty in the nuddy.

In order to save Tim, we needed to sacrifice the Alpha Cow.

Angela seems insistent on blaming her eviction on either -

a) the fact she’s a vibrant personality
b) the fact Constance and Nelson and Dean weren’t there for nominations
c) the fact Glenn was “played like a fiddle” and took three points from Michelle’s nomination tally
d) the fact there is no God

The truth is, she lost all hope the second her name was announced as being up for eviction and she sneered at Glenn “Yeah, thanks…” Hissy fits upon hearing you’ve been nominated is not the way to win the public over, doll face! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, DOES NO ONE REMEMBER SHARNA?!

She almost redeemed herself though by making Gretel blush onstage. Whilst referring to the appeal of younger men, Angela made a comment along the lines of (and this is nowhere near a direct quote) “Well, at my age, your hormones are kicking in and younger guys can meet your needs” and then turned to Gretel, gave her a conspiratorial nod and chuckled “You know what I mean…” Cue Gretel looking completely taken aback and utterly flustered.

I was mildly surprised by how much Gretel seemed to like Angela, I must admit. They spent the entire time on the couch cackling away like old boozy friends at a 20 year high school reunion, and I can’t help but suspect the two of them will be hitting the drink tonight at a strip club - ciggy in one shrivelled paw, cheap cocktail in the other, and yelling out innapropriate comments to the dancers. Fits, on the other hand, is rather insistent Gretel and Angela will be sharing in a Saxon spit roast well into the wee hours of the morning.

So Lefty Tim - with his superior intelligent leftist brain powered by the God of all things good and moral and holy - lives to see another day. But will he end up nominated straight away again?

My picks for nominations are as follows…

• Gianna - her drunken Friday night neediness has irritated a few of the girls, frightened Logan David, and made a few people uncomfortable.
• Geneva - sadly, her serial killer eyes and severe mood swings are continuing to petrify the housemates.
• Dean - but this one is simply a wish list prediction from me.

Posted by Jess at 12:11 AM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)

May 22, 2005

Who Will Go Tonight?

Personally, I’d LIKE to see Dean leave the house, since he’s been a bit dull - but I suspect our first (proper) evictee will be Angela.

That said, I also have a feeling that it could be quite close, so Geneva and Tim may just end up scraping over the eviction finish line first.

So there you go. Hope that was informative enough for you! “It could be one of them, but also - it could be any of the others.”

Posted by Jess at 2:40 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

May 21, 2005

Further Drunken Gianna Shenanigans

Now, remember folks - she won tonight’s Friday Night games so she’s gained access to the rewards room (alcohol!). I should also point out that she chose Christie to join her, so they’d better find their inner Ellen quick smart. I hate to see a wasted opportunity for intoxicated fumblings.

She’s currently telling people she likes Greg and David (spit roast! spit roast!), and she’s been kissing Hotdogs. Or so I’ve heard. Cough.

And from the forums over at BBBA, a live stream watcher says -

Off topic (and yet, hopefully on topic if the girls continue to feel randy in the house) - I am so pumped for the first Uncut episode. Which boy will wank first!? Which dangly bits will we see?! Has there been any cases of illicit doona dancing we’re not aware of?!

Posted by Jess at 1:12 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

Just Caught A Bit Of Up Late

And for a girl who is insisting she’s no longer interested in Logan David, Gianna’s doing a mighty fine job at touching him up every five minutes. I’ve seen more subtle forms of flirting at Year Nine Catholic mixed inter-school dances!

Meanwhile, let’s briefly discuss the “gay” twin, Logan Greg.

Tonight’s daily show played footage of him being asked by Christie whether he was, in fact, a lover of men and he evaded the question rather nicely.

Is this because -

a) He is gay!
b) He is bisexual but doesn’t mind a bit of “pole dancing” now and then!
c) He’s petrified that he could be booted out for lying by Big Brother (if the rumours he declared he was gay during the autitions for the show are to be believed)!

Thoughts?

Posted by Jess at 12:56 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

May 19, 2005

Wild Masturbation Parties In The House!

Of course they did.

Of course.

I admit I might have missed a few daily shows this week, and while I know they’re building the “perfect housemate” as a task, I can’t help but do a double-take when I read the above excerpt from the diary.

… they have a dildo making kit?

Posted by Jess at 10:35 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

Various Big Brother Related Things

And How Does This Affect Your Time In The House?
Know what I hate about Big Brother? Nomination night. Sure, it’s good to find out who secretly hates who and all that jazz, but I am well over Big Brother’s insistence that the contestants come up with a “genuine reason” for nominating.

For fucks sake! Who cares about a valid reason! Nominate them cos they’re unattractive! Nominate them cos they’re stupid! Nominate them because they fart! Nominate them cos they won’t get naked in the shower! Nominate them for being a terrible kisser! Nominate them for scratching their balls! Who gives a shit - I don’t need to witness half an hour of Big Brother pretending to be a hard hitting Queen’s Counsel in the middle of a murder trial!

Repeated Content Sucks!
Catching up on the previous episode for those who may have missed it the night before is handy for people with sporadic social lives. But am I the only one feeling as though 80% of the shows are made up of footage from the previous evening?

Dean Must Go…
He’s a bit spunky, I’ll grant you. But he’s already been seen nude, photos are on the net, and while he’s talked big about “stirring the pot” a la Ben from series three, he’s done sweet fuck all so far. He is also in love with someone on the outside and therefore will not indulge in fornication or even mere friendly pash parties. He’s served his purpose, let’s boot him.

Angela will keep us entertain\homicidal with her school girl bitching, Geneva - while disappointing so far - could well end up seducing a man or a woman, or possibly murdering a housemate, so let’s give her more of a chance. And Lefty Tim hasn’t nearly reached his potential. I want to see him mess with some (simple) minds. Or at least make a dismal-but-amusing attempt to hit on Thatcher.

Posted by Jess at 8:08 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

May 18, 2005

A Hypothetical Question

Would it be wrong to find yourself starting to think that Thatcher is a bit sexy quite sweet? Poor old Lefty Tim - she really is NOT very interested in him, is she?

Posted by Jess at 11:58 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)

May 17, 2005

Questions, Questions…

This was just asked in the Nelson\Constance chat on the official site. And please don’t ask why I was in the chat*…

Well, at least he admits that much. Kudos for asking and getting your question through, gabjen…

*Okay, I wanted a chance to tell him what a twat he was, and I did - but it wasn’t published by the moderator. Moving on…

Posted by Jess at 11:50 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

GLORIOUS! Goodbye, Wankstain!

What an amazing evening, and it only cost 55c per SMS!

Constance was the first to be kicked out of the house, and to be honest, I didn’t really mind either way. I had the utmost faith in the Gods, and I just knew Cuntface would get what was coming to him. Sure enough, Nelson got booted out next and I received a plethora of text messages all proclaiming that this was the BEST THING EVER.

But that wasn’t the highlight, oh no.

Nelson, sitting on stage with Gretel, kept rattling on and on and on about the “goodies”. He was only in it for the prizes, he had no plans on lasting long in the house, etc. Blah blah blah prizes. Gretel gently guided the conversation, saying something along the lines of “And would you be upset if you got no prizes?” in a warm voice, leading him to think she was building up to a pleasant announcement that he would end up with some nice prizes. He responded something along the lines of “I’d be shattered!”

“Well, you’d better lie down, because you will not be receiving any prizes.”

His face! Her face! My face! Text messages which simply read “*comes*” Housemates cheering!

Fucking gold, Gretel. You’re winning me over.

PS: Change your shirt.

Posted by Jess at 9:31 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

May 16, 2005

Tim Versus Geneva Versus Angela

Firstly, I am gutted that Psycho Biting Lefty Tim is nominated. People! The man is clearly a genius - pretending to be mechanically inept in order to screw up the Friday night games? Breaking up racist joke telling pow wows? Making creepy, off-putting comments to ol’ Thatcher? There is so much potential! His lip curl is a little frightening though.

Geneva? Hmmmm. I keep wanting her to be better, but she’s not quite getting there. Plus, she kept plunging her tongue in her cheek (in the literal sense) and licking her teeth in an incredibly distracting manner during her nominations, so I’m wondering if I want her to go. But then…

Angela Bishop! Not as hideously offensive as I thought she would be, but I also have NO desire to witness her fumbling around in the dark with young Mr I Like Short Shorts, the sheep shearing Glenn. Since this year’s show is obviously all about sex and scandal, her non-eventful week in the house leads me to wonder whether she’d be the best choice to leave.

Torn!

What do you think? After I vote Cuntface off (and I will, or die trying with my fingers frozen in the texting position), where should I focus my attentions next?

(Please) Discuss.

Posted by Jess at 11:03 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

The Fate Of The Three Liars

Rightio.

I expect you all to do your duty.

SMS Nelson to 19 10 10.

Repeatedly, if possible.

Thank you.

Posted by Jess at 10:53 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (1)

The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

A (100% Recycled) Guest Post By Ms Fits
reproduced with full lusty permission from the blogging vixen herself

1 - Do you ever watch more Big Brother than you planned?
I always make a promise to myself not to watch BB Up Late because it’s so mind-numbingly inane, and yet if it’s on and I’m still awake, things just happen…

2 - Has Big Brother interfered with your job?
How else could you keep up with constant changes on the BB official and unofficial website if you didn’t press ‘refresh’ half hourly? SERIOUSLY.

3 - Is your Big Brother viewing causing conflict with your spouse or family?
Only when they tell me Terri wasn’t so bad after all, or that Ryan deserves to win. He is a lunk-headed cocknose.

4 - Do you feel depressed, guilty, or remorseful after you watch Big Brother?
Yes. I am smarter, stronger and better than this. Plus I write tv for a living, so reality television is essentially doing me out of a job.

5 - Do you watch Big Brother almost continuously until the supply is exhausted?
Yes. I have also re-read diary updates on the website for no other reason than to satisfy my cravings and to make me feel superior to other people doing the quiz.

6 - Have you ever experienced sinus problems or nosebleeds due to Big Brother?
No, but I cut my hand open on The Mummy Returns ride at Dreamworld when I visited for an eviction.

7 - Do you ever wish that you had never taken that first line, hit, or injection of Big Brother?
Yes. Oh my god, yes.

8 - Have you experienced chest pains or rapid or irregular heartbeats when watching Big Brother?
Yes. Particularly during eviction shows when Gretel repeats ‘It’s time to go…’ and then leaves an interminable pause without saying anyone’s name JUST TO DRIVE ME CRAZY, FUCKING SHE-MALE BALLBAG.

9 - Do you have an obsession to watch Big Brother when you don’t have it?
I’d rather be watching the live feed right now than doing this quiz, if that’s what you mean.

10 - Are you experiencing financial difficulties due to Big Brother?
Virgin Airlines return ticket to Queensland - $350. Car hire - $175. Accommodation on the Gold Coast - $310. Day pass to Dreamworld plus eviction cocktails and Gold reserved seating - $120. Clinging onto lost ‘ironic pop culture’-esque youth with a desperation bordering on revolting - priceless.

11 - Do you experience an anticipation high just knowing you are about to watch Big Brother?
Yes. Particularly if it’s Uncut and I’m about to see Trevor’s cock.

12 - After watching Big Brother, do you have difficulty sleeping without taking a drink or another drug?
Yes. But I have difficulty sleeping without taking a drink or another drug most nights.

13 - Are you absorbed with the thought of watching Big Brother even while interacting with a friend or loved one?
Put it this way. I was watching Paul Kelly play beautiful music in the Arts Centre at 8pm on a Sunday thinking: ‘Someone’s been evicted. Someone’s sitting on that stage right now with Gretel. I wonder who it could be? I wonder when I’m going to get to watch the video?’

14 - Have you begun to watch Big Brother alone?
Yes. Preferably with no pants on.

15 - Do you ever have feelings that people are talking about you or watching you?
Yes. I also have feelings that people come and read my blog, but that’s possibly delusional.

16 - Do you watch more Big Brother to get the same high you once experienced?
Live streaming is a natural progression and nothing to be ashamed of.

17 - Have you tried to quit or cut down on watching Big Brother only to find that you couldn’t?
Yes. Oh my god, yes.

18 - Have any of your friends or family suggested that you may have a problem?
My mother cries a lot. But that could also be due to aforementioned drink and drug use.

19 - Have you ever lied to or misled those around you about how much or how often you watch Big Brother?
Only when it’s someone I would want to impress who might find it lame, like Greg The Boyfriend or Fabrizio Moretti . And Bob Ellis . If Bob Ellis asked me, I’d deny all knowledge.

20 - Do you watch Big Brother in your car, at work, in the bathroom, on airplanes, or other public places?
I don’t watch it in the bathroom, but I certainly pretend I’m on the show while I’m doing a wee.

21 - Are you afraid that if you stop watching Big Brother your work will suffer or you will lose your energy, motivation, or confidence?
On the contrary. I’d probably be able to get things done. And my hair would probably be shinier.

22 - Do you spend time with people or in places you otherwise would not be around but for the availability of Big Brother?
My friendship with fellow addict (and owner of wide-screen projector tv) Dirty Derek seems to have blossomed since he’s started holding Sunday night eviction drinks.

23 - Have you ever stolen drugs or money from friends or family?
Yes. But I hardly find that relevant.

If you have answered Yes to any of these questions, you may have a cocaine problem. There is an answer… come to meetings of Cocaine Anonymous, read the literature and join us…we want to help.

EDITOR: Bravo, Ms Fits circa mid-2004, for such a wonderul contribution. I don’t want to start cracking the whip but the team of freakishly gifted bloggers I blackmailed hired had better start banging out some Big Brother posts, or at the very least dig up old ones and present them as new! Anyway, I don’t think time has done any damage to the above marvellous piece of artistry. Sure, there are some slightly dated references to Terri, Trevor and RYWHM being ‘unread’ but we can get past that… right?

Posted by Jess at 5:07 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

A Revealing Interview With Nelson’s Girlfriend

Nelson’s lady friend Katie has spoken to Big Brother after tonight’s Lies Exposed episode. Allow me to reproduce the most interesting part of the article…

She’s soooo talking about his penis. Perhaps his utterly obnoxious behaviour is related to a severe case of erectile dysfunction? I just think it’s really lovely of Katie to try and preserve some of his dignity by lying and calling it a “massive” soft side.

Posted by Jess at 2:26 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

May 15, 2005

Bye Bye, Nelson, You Smug Wanker! Hey, Wait A Minute… What’s With The Fold Out Beds? NOOOOOOOOO!

Do you love the excessively long title of this post? It pretty much captures my thought process while watching tonight’s show.

I quite like Constance, in a daft way, so I didn’t really mind whether she stuck around or not after her disgraceful withholding of information. Honestly, how does she sleep at night?

Dean? I found him completely dull and while I was surprised he was getting booted out along with Constance and Nelson, I didn’t particularly care. After all, I’ve seen nekkid pictures of him now - I have no further use for him.

But Nelson - oh, Nelson. I ached for him to get kicked out - without his thongs, woe is him! - and the moment he was told to leave the house was, and I say this with no hyperbole, the greatest moment of my entire life.

So why put him in a bedsit? I was overcome with grief when I saw the smarmy little fucker bouncing around muttering “Fake eviction!” in a joyous fashion - this was NOT what I wanted nor expected from you, Big Brother. But hey - I’m sure you have your reasons for keeping him, and we can only hope that one of them involves Chinese water torture. Just remember not to scrimp on things, lest dear Nelson be forced to refer to you as a Jew again.

Where to next? Who knows!

One person who did have a great idea was Behind Big Brother forum member nealp - he suggested the following for Nelson, and I couldn’t help but rub my hands together with malevolent glee as I read it. Please, Big Brother, please please please do this.

nealp, you are a true genius.

PS: I’ve got to admit, while I did enjoy the whole twin twist over the past week - especially when one of them pashed Gianna and you could totally tell she was appalled and confused as to which one she got it on with after Greg-Logan and David-Logan were introduced to the house properly - I felt tonight was somewhat - somewhat - of an anti-climax. But maybe I’m still bitter at sitting through the hilariously awful Star Wars - Attack Of The Clones which followed tonight’s Big Brother special.

Posted by Jess at 11:09 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

Logan’s Have Been Sprung!

We’ll report more on this tremendously exciting development later - if we can be bothered - but it’s interesting to note that young Glenn was the first to raise the theory of a twin in the house.

Now, I don’t want to be responsible for any rumours starting, because Lord knows I’m not that kind of girl in the full Anastacia sense. But I find the following sequence of events interesting.

1. Twins begin being swapped in the house - hilarious mix ups!
2. Twins are the only ones not to shower naked in the house, leading to speculation that their nether regions contain something mysterious which could lead to the jig being well and truly “up”!
3. Pash party in the spa - one of the twins and Glenn tongue each other!
4. Glenn wins a night in a penthouse and chooses Logan to join him!
5. The two nights into the penthouse experience, Glenn brings up the theory of twins!

Could points 2 and 5 be somehow related? Ahem.

Cut! Uncut! Active! Passive! Great at blowjobs! Terrible at handies! Cries after orgasm! Rolls over and sleeps straight after jizzing!

What could the boudoir give-away have been?

Posted by Jess at 6:52 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

Helpful Advice For Big Brother Tonight

We’ve had a deliciously deep voice inform us over the last week that some of the housemates have lied and for that awful sin, they must be punished. Far be it from me to make suggestions to the wonderfully sadistic 2005 Big Brother, but…

PLEASE EVICT NELSON BECAUSE HE IS A BORING TWAT WHO LIED ABOUT HAVING A PARTNER AND COMPLETELY RUINED… UMMM…. SOMETHING!

Constance may stay - after being sternly chastised and perhaps forced to tongue-kiss Geneva - and you can replace Nelson with her actual boyfriend, a young lad named Connor. Isn’t that adorable? Con and Con? They’re like a matching set, etc!

This works for several reasons.

• Nelson will be gone!
• More chance of sexings if there’s a real life couple in the house!
• I really wouldn’t mind seeing Connor naked in the shower!

I swear to God, for the three months of the year Big Brother’s on the telly, I turn into the seediest voyeur imaginable. I crave nudity, humiliation and idiocy with frightening passion.

So, where was I? Oh yes - giving unwanted advice to Big Brother. Please boot Nelson and arrange for a nuddy Connor, post haste.

PS: Big Brother, don’t give the smarmy little fucker a car, for god’s sake! Send him back to Scumbletown with nothing. NOTHING!
PPS: Off-topic somewhat, do you guys want to see Dean in the rudey nudey? DO YOU?

Posted by Jess at 3:51 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

Great Ideas For Future BB05 Friday Night Challenges!

A Guest Post By Fop Foppington III

Further to Fop’s recent observation that this Friday’s team challenge for the housemates was rather reminiscent of It’s A Knockout (incidentally, surely it’s high time to bring this extraordinary program back to the television - even just in repeats), it struck us that what would be completely fabulous would be to have the housemates forced, for the entertainment of the nation, to competitively re-enact various other unlikely TV programs. Wouldn’t this be extremely good? No? Well, obviously you haven’t considered the comedy potential of the following challenges that we’ve been “tossing around”, as you might wish to put it, today:

• BB05 THE 7.30 REPORT CHALLENGE! In which Kerry O’Brien (played by a ginger-wigged, green-pen-clutching Tim) must hilariously interrogate an array of unco-operative and vaguely surly federal politicians (played by Nelson, Constance and Dean) about their alleged duplicity on a number of pressing public issues! Can the politicians keep their cool despite the fact that Tim clearly despises them and everything they stand for? Can Tim continue to impart an authoritative air of independence and objectivity despite the fact that he’s interviewing dreadful, lying turds? WHO CAN, eg, SAY! Or, if that doesn’t tickle your estimable “fancy”, what about:
• BB05 DEAL OR NO DEAL CHALLENGE! In which an impossibly bland host (played by Mary Kate and Ashley Logan) must set about befuddling a large number of the housemates via the taking of notional “bets” on the likely contents of other housemates’ suitcases! Can Logan cope with the administration of the nonsensically complicated rules of this task without holding a postgraduate qualification in statistical analysis and pure mathematics? And will the housemates be able to grasp the task’s requirements to the extent required to open their respective suitcases at the “crucial moment”? It’s relatively unlikely! OR how about:
• BB05 THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST CHALLENGE! In which each housemate is allocated a European nation and is physically forced by a handgun-toting, wonderfully non-nonsense Gretel Killeen (making a glamorous, flying visit to the house) to write a hugely catchy three minute pop song on a child’s xylophone and perform the song live with dancers in front of an audience of thousands in a “magical evening celebrating the togetherness of modern Europe”. Will the adorably English-as-second-language host (Glenn) struggle through the high-larious puns on the autocue correctly? And will the voting see the Baltic and Slavic states (featuring Angela as Estonia, Hotdogs as Croatia and Constance as the Former Yugoslavic Republic of Macedonia or “FYROM”) outrageously giving the coveted “douze points” to each others’ traditional lament-based folk-rock and effectively ganging up on Old Europe (featuring Christie as Belgium, Michelle as France and Gianna and Spain) and its attractive combination of gay-friendly, highly bosomy dance pop? WOW, how fantastic; and what about:
• BB05 TEN NEWS: FIRST AT FIVE CHALLENGE! In which a male and female housemate (Michael and Kate) must present an actual hour-long news bulletin by padding out less than 12 minutes worth of actual news content and take the whole thing seriously! Can Michael and Kate disguise the substance deficiency of their bulletin with a pretty set and a jaunty chimes-and-African-drums theme tune? Will they realise that the only way to fill out the hour is to pre-empt the sport and weather reports coming “later in the bulletin” and to summarise the stories they’ve already covered? Will Big Brother put up with such flagrant flouting of international standards of television journalism?

Oh, we simply kill ourselves.

Posted by Jess at 2:21 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

Guest Posts Begin!

You might remember a few weeks back when I announced we’d be utilising the brains of a few wonderful bloggers to help us along with our Big Brother site. Well, it’s about to kick off - hold onto your hats!

Posted by Jess at 2:12 PM Link | TrackBack (0)

May 14, 2005

Completely Heterosexual Male Bonding

From the diary…

Right.

Remind me again which two lads pashed the other night? Methinks Glenn doth protest too much.

“Rose petals and champagne? Oh goodness, what a spot of bother I’m in! I love women and now I can’t sex one in this romantic room. I can’t believe when I heard the words ‘You have won a night in a penthouse…’ that my first thought was you, Loges! ISN’T MY FACE RED?! PLEASE LET ME WARM MY PENIS IN YOUR BOTTOM!”

Dude, relax. It’s the night of a toga party. After all, when in Rome…

Posted by Jess at 2:58 PM Link | TrackBack (0)

Friday Night Live

I’m ashamed to say I had a life last night, and as a consequence I was unable to catch even one minute of the Friday Night Live Big Brother show.

I understand after speaking to Television’s Kynan Barker that Glenson (or was it Glelson? Those interchangeable country boys are confusing!) won something, and there was reference to the much whispered about penthouse.

Meanwhile, Fop summed up the entire thing by saying “It was like It’s A Knock Out in the Big Brother house!”

Feel free to give me the low down if you caught it, folks.

What was the show itself like? Was Mike Goldman annoying? Was Fryzie on it, and if so - how many of his catchphrases did he use?

Posted by Jess at 2:20 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

May 13, 2005

Kate The Most “Lesbo”?

From the official diary…

Oh, Kate. That’s how it always starts. Then “nothing more” turns into another harmless grab, and the next thing you know you’re lining up for Ani Di Franco tickets. Just go with it.

In other diary news…

Oh my god. Somehow, someone has gotten a message to one of the Logans and he knows we’re totally onto their deep dark doodle secrets! This lie about his sister is more for our benefit than it is for the housemates. We’re through the looking glass!

I love people giving themselves props under their breath because the folk around them are just not up to the job. Constance is growing on me again…

Cunt, that is, for those of you following at home. The guy clearly has issues with himself and deals with it through being an arrogant fuck-stain to those around him. There are countless examples in the diary about his wankery, so many in fact that I cannot be bothered dwelling on it. The guy sucks his own nuts, let’s leave it at that.

Haha, I cannot tell you how much I adore these subtly creepy moves Lefty Tim’s directing towards the housemates. He cracks me up.

One last time - CUNT! No wait - STUPID CUNT!

Posted by Jess at 2:10 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

May 12, 2005

Dean’s Ability To Talk

Ummm… why hadn’t I noticed till now that Dean is a marble-mouthed buffoon? I know he thinks “mannurisms” is a word so I shouldn’t expect much, but seriously - the man sounds like someone gave his tongue a sedative.

DEAN SPEAK!
“Orrighlessmaygadeeeeal bedweenuzzfer, orrigh? Bedweenuzzfer… if weevah wannashayysumfintoochutha, leshjuss ayet. Orrigh? Bedweenuzzfer…”

TRANSLATION!
“Alright, let’s make a deal between us four, alright? Between us four… if we ever want to say something to each other, let’s just say it. Alright? Between us four.”

Let’s hope Carmel doubles as a speech therapist.

Posted by Jess at 7:32 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

The All New Aphrodite!

Pay attention, Aphrodite.

When I bothered to text your name last year to Legion Interactive, it was under the naive impression that once I got your yeasty half-witted narcissistic self off the show, I would never have to deal with you again.

Unfortunately for me though, it seems you’re pursuing some sort of… oh, I’m loathe to say it… “career” in entertainment. Just last month I was reading my housemate’s copy of Ralph and saw a story about a god-awful movie you’ve recently appeared in. I hoped that would be the end of you and I bumping into each other unexpectedly.

Now you’ve popped up in Sydney Confidential - it appears you helpfully encouraged your manager to let them know you’ve had some extensive surgery.

Look, I’m supportive of your moves to improve your head, don’t get me wrong. And if surgery makes you feel better about being an irritating twatburn, then great - go for it.

But I’m warning you, woman - you’re getting too close for comfort. Don’t you DARE infiltrate my television screen again. You understand me? If I have to hear your finger-nails-running-down-a-chalk-board voice again - especially mid-tantrum - I will go on a violent rampage. Shizzle?

The Old Aphrodite…

The New Slutastic Aphrodite….

The unfortunate positioning of the colour red on her dress makes it look as though her pink bits are particularly dangly, if you know what I mean.

Shudder.

The poor girl’s so desperate for a showbiz career that a move into the wonderful world of cheap porn can only be a few months away.

Posted by Jess at 6:54 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

Just Wait Till They Hit Rations…

So Big Brother is planning on popping a couple of farm animals into the compound, eh? Listen, I’m sure two lambs, two kid goats, two piglets and an alpaca might sound like cute pets.

But what if the housemates gamble their food budget and lose in the next few weeks, and they’re left on measly rations, and farm boys Nelson and Glenn look outside and see a wee lamb and a piglet frolicking together, and the next thing you know there’s a lamb roast for tea and talk of a bacon breakfast? The kiddies on the forums will OMG wtf :’( themselves stupid!

I think you’ll agree it’s a dangerous idea.

Posted by Jess at 6:18 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

Right On, Lefty Tim!

According to The Source Of Anything Worth Knowing, some of the lads spent part of tonight’s birthday festivities telling racist jokes about “N-bombs” - apparently slang for “niggers”.

If this story is true - well then, way to have big righteous balls, Lefty Tim! Especially in the face of peer pressure!

Of course, I don’t exactly know what the jokes were in order to properly rate the shitheadness of the lads involved - and as we all know, the inappropriateness level of jokes is notoriously hard to judge and totally subjective. That said, indulging in any sort of racist humour on a show like Big Brother isn’t just offensive and hurtful, it’s just fucking stupid. Hello, microphone! Hello, cameras! Hello, millions of viewers!

Keep on keepin’ on, Lefty Tim. We heart you and your wee pointy head.

PS: We would like to point out that indulging in “nigger” jokes is generally fucked whether you’re on a show like Big Brother or telling jokes down the pub. It’s just that if you’re on the telly and telling poor taste jokes, you’re not just lame, you’re a fucking moron.

Posted by Jess at 12:39 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (1)

Theories Regarding Logan…

I’ve been having interesting discussions with a few sexy people regarding the ABSOLUTELY “MASSIVE” TO THE POINT OF NANCY DREW PROPORTIONS mystery behind the lack of Logan nudity.

Are the twins refusing to go pantsless whilst they shower due to some sort of obvious… difference “down there”? If so, what could it be?

Here are some suggestions made by various parties.

The “Undescended Testicle” Theory
Fairly self-explanatory, and totally possible! It would be a rather obvious difference between the two boys if they were nuddy, surely?

The “One Of The Twins Is Circumcised And The Other One Isn’t” Theory (I)
Courtesy of Sugar, in this situation, Ma and Pa Logan decided to use different looking willies as a way of differentiating their bubs. As Sugar so nicely put it - “wacky parents fucking with the twins. i love it!”

The “One Of The Twins Is Circumcised And The Other One Isn’t” Theory (II)
In this scenario, one of the Logan’s had a nasty accident with a zipper which led to an adult circumcision. This may lead to some issues, and if we’re lucky - some serious lashing out.

The “One Of The Twins Is Gay” Theory
Yes - one of them! Gay! Or so it’s being speculated over at Behind Big Brother, and - as pointed out by fellow BB watcher Scott via email - it has been absolutely confirmed beyond any reasonable doubt by BBBA commenter “Stany” who says “I know Greg very well for thae last 5 years, through football and socially. I also called Merrick and Rosso yesterday saying eh lieks to be in musicals and his idol is Peter Allen. He is very suspect. Notice how he doesn’t like girls. Turst me he is gay.” And if there’s one person we can “turst”, it’s bona fide straight shooting 100% kosher Stany.

Of course, for the Gay Twin scenario to influence showering to the point where the twins must cover up their danglies lest they give the game (or anything else) away, you must be a believer in the idea that no gay man can possibly stand to be around another cock without his nether regions standing to attention, and that’s a little too high school footy team shower room paranoia for us.

I hand it over to you guys - what’s the real reason the twins are refusing to shed clothing? Remember - “Logan” declared on his intro video that he wasn’t fazed about having sex in the house, so presumably it’s not just because he’s a prude. I refuse to believe there is a single prude in that slutty, marvellous house.

Posted by Jess at 12:02 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

May 11, 2005

Let’s Check The Diary!

It was a rather dull show this evening at 7pm (either that, or my momentum is waning - due to happen any day now, actually) other than when Gianna totally lied as she assured housemates that she and Christie didn’t get a fine for anything, when THE ENTIRE COUNTRY KNOWS THAT YOU DID, BREASTY!

So let’s do a run down on today’s diary entry, shall we?

And Geneva’s the one housemate who seems pretty keen on getting up to sexy mischief in the house. Call me messed up, but I for one would adore a scenario where Geneva unwittingly transmits something like pubic lice to a dancing doona buddy, who then passes it on to someone else and so on and so forth. Next thing you know, the entire house has crabs and everyone realises they’ve all been screwing around behind each other’s back and and and… that’s really as far as my idea goes, alas.

Wow, she really does enjoy talking herself up, doesn’t she?

Gianna, this constant lying is not helping anyone. Please cease.

Day Four and Lefty Tim’s already fucking with their heads. If he starts requesting fava beans and Chianti as luxury items, I’ll die of joy. Now Tim - BITE HER EAR OFF!

When great minds clash…

This is exactly the sort of attitude the Big Brother house has been sorely lacking over the past few years. I hope she joins forces with Lefty Tim and they hold the housemates hostage with the serrated edges of the cling wrap packets, and then it spirals into a total Honey Bunny-Pumpkin “Any of you fuckin’ pricks move and I’ll execute every motherfucking last one of you!” situation.

This gruesome theoretical twosome needs to happen. Right away. Nelson appears to be aching for a good pounding.

Yes, and beautiful soft skin, too. Pick up the cling wrap, Tim… pick it up… pick it up… it puts the lotion on the skin…

Keep drinking copious amounts next to Geneva, and Jim Beam and Cola won’t be the only thing yer lapping up, young lady! Haw, haw, haw…

Ahh, I see. Dean’s a fan of pegging and had a particularly strenuous goodbye bout before entering the house. Respect.

And the saddest part is, her finding the inner strength to defecate in the house is probably going to be the highlight of her time on the show. Big Brother was right to offer her hearty congratulations. Sure, normal housemates might be expected to complete bodily functions without seeking praise, but we are not dealing with normal here. We need to think of her as a friendly but incredibly stupid puppy who has just learned not to poo on the carpet. Well done, Christie. Have a Schmacko.

Nelson again, I note. Just saying.

PASH PARTY! And I note with mild surprise that it’s Michael Supernips getting most of the decent action. This can only get hotter during Uncut, but I’m afraid I am exhausted and can’t possibly blog about it. Please tell me what happens in dirty, filthy terms - that Big Brother diary is far too clean cut. I want the bawdy sailor version of events.

Posted by Jess at 11:29 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

Not Your Shrivelled One, We Don’t!

From the Official Diary…

Meanwhile, tomorrow night’s daily show ought to contain the following (hopefully entertaining) verbal fisticuffs.

MEEEEOW! Get your tits out - it’s who you are? Reference to the infamous confiscated suitcase? Don’t let it stop, Big Brother. Provoke, provoke, provoke.

Posted by Jess at 2:37 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

One More Lefty Tim Tidbit

Lefty Tim - also known as Spliff Daddy (not really) and Tim Brunero - used to write for The Chaser.

This leads me to believe - put it down to naive faith - that he has some stuff up his sleeve.

Prediction: If he plays it cool for the first few weeks and doesn’t get voted off, he’ll begin unleashing mischief. I have faith in him. He is going to rock so hard.

That’s right, Nelson.

He’ll rock out with his truncheon-like left-swinging cock out.

PS: Up Late quote of the night? “You flashed your gash at me - we have something better than high fives.”

Posted by Jess at 2:30 AM Link | TrackBack (0)

Up Late Is SUPERB Tonight

Honestly, how fucking dull were last year’s housemates? The best we got on Up Late back then was the odd Fryzie\Rootman performance. Maybe Krystal admitting to smoking Shaggy’s pole.

Within the first FOUR MINUTES of tonight’s episode, I have seen three pairs of boobs, some extreme bitching, and sexual confessions. Geneva imitated Gianna in a mocking high-pitched voice and concluded it with “She can suck my dick” - and it was all delivered while sitting back in her undies, topless, in the sauna.

OH MY GOD.

And now I’ve seen penis.

Those annoying prudes from Big Brother IV can rot in boring hell.

Posted by Jess at 2:21 AM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

May 10, 2005

More Degrading Fun

This really isn’t Big Brother related, but as Britney Spears would say - fuck it, y’all. While “researching” a textbook definition of an Angry Dragon for commenter epicurus, I found another stunning and completely evil sexual term.

Am I going to hell for laughing at that? Yes? Oh, just checking.

Posted by Jess at 11:12 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (1)

May 9, 2005

AND HOW COULD I FORGET!

The greatest highlight of the night HAD to be the housemates discussing the concept of a Dirty Sanchez, and Constance piping up that she’d been given one by her ex-boyfriend!

She was quick to dismiss it as though it wasn’t a big deal, muttering that she’d done really bad stuff to him too… Really bad? Like, equal or worse than a Dirty Sanchez? What on EARTH goes on in that girl’s bedroom?

Anyway, much like me, the housemates were thrilled to discover someone who had actually suffered the indignity of having a moustache of poo smeared above their lip by a lover.

Next thing you know, they’re all talking about Angry Dragons and I’m quivering with immature delight. What can possibly happen next? Deep philosophical debate on the ramifications of giving someone a Donkey Punch?

Give it time, people. Give it time.

Posted by Jess at 11:27 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

Does This Require A Caption?

I’d say no, but then I’m still in shock by the fact I came this close to seeing a fruit basket on national television at 8pm.

I did note that for “straight” boys, they certainly referenced sexing\pashing men a fair bit. Swing, swing my pretties!

Posted by Jess at 11:19 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

The Live Surprise Show Tonight

Was simply superb. I was too captivated to make notes but judging from the Sent Messages from my mobile phone folder (something that’ll probably be used as a resource a fair bit on this blog), the Big Brother SMS Crew were especially thrilled by….

• Constance’s brilliantly pathetic display in the Diary room after being chosen to have her luggage removed from the house due to an impromptu election. Bawling her eyes out, a childish voice, threatening to not hand the housemates the keys to their luggage - squirmingly ace!
• Big Brother’s response to every plea for mercy - “……. No.”
• Kate Thatcher displaying early signs of her ornithophobia first thing in the morning. And as my partner in heckling-via-sms crime put it - “Nice jarmies, birdcunt”
• Gianna discussing her intellectual pursuits (presumably in between running the farm with the rest of McLeod’s Daugh - oh, okay, that joke is old already and I’ll abandon it). Did you know “appearances can be deceiving (thrusts tits out, gyrates crotch towards menfolk)” - she works with computers and did like, maths and physics and maths in high school!
• Thatcher chastising the lads for burping at the table. Iron Lady wannabe? Iron Spadger, more like! Needless to say, I don’t expect her to be getting any dancing doona action if she continues the chastising school marm act!
• Though in fairness, Nelson is a grubby, dirty little Liberal.
• Hotdogs Simon in bed with Michelle and initiating a cuddle with her while talking his kissing abilities up no end. Throughout the wooing, Gianna stood metres away with an expression that was an odd mix of fury, lust and realising you’ve just been hit with the gastro bug.

Throw in a twin swap which left Greg-Logan floundering room to room, looking petrified and unable to rely on basic hand-eye coordination because he was too scared to commit to being right or left-handed and all in all - everything Big Brother should have been last year. AND IT WAS ONLY THE FIRST DAY!

Posted by Jess at 10:58 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

Further Information Has Come To Light…

I’ve been a bit worried about Lefty Tim. A house full of rabid conservatives - well, two conservatives and eleven achingly stupid people - and he’s the only force of the left. How would he fare against the boys we’re so clearly meant to be lusting after when he’s more… well… he’s more cerebrally appealing for the right sort of girl compared to the other blokes in the house.

Today, various sources have offered up snippets of insight into the world of Lefty Tim. First off, Liam Hogan has revealed the following about him on his blog Cut Price Commentariat…

Interesting! He’s a potsmoking lefty cliche - how wonderful, etc! Then an anonymous respondent to Liam’s post revealed a little more…

This is the greatest thing I have ever heard, and I feel somewhat proud of him. But then the ladies - our old friends! - at Sydney Confidential have given us the next bit of inside information on him.

But what does he think now, Confidential gang? And is “eccentric” code for “shaggy haired filthy hippy”.

The final - WONDERFUL - piece of Lefty Tim-related news comes straight from the phenomonally and entertainingly painful Big Brother diary on the official site…

In your fucking face, Howard lover! Lefty Tim might not be a pretty face - and he may well be a spliff-wielding photocopying piss taker - but by god, he’s packed in the pants department!

Of course, we’ll get to judge for ourselves after the first Uncut episode - I cannot wait.

Posted by Jess at 8:29 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

I Am Obsessed With Christie

She’s making me cringe and it’s a matter of hours. I think ours is a love-hate relationship. Right now, I love the fact she included the following passage on her official site biography.

Brilliant. “Men simply love it” indeed - it’s like they have no choice! They want to walk away but they are rendered helpless against the wonder and glory of The Package! I am utterly thrilled at being privileged enough to watch her interact with other people in “her way”. In fact, I simply love it.

But what are her thoughts on getting nuded up on television?

Presumably because the urge to fondle her own heavenly body would be overwhelming and distracting.

Insanely good. I don’t know whether to start writing “Jess Loves Christie 4 Eva” all over my arms in biro, or lather myself in SPF 15+. Only The Package would be able to deliver a charming insight into her character and slip a public health warning about the dangers of skin cancer in there.

So intellectual right now. In a nude way.

We’re all gutted, don’t you worry. While there are many things I find disappointing - social injustice, famine, disease, war, abuse of power, greed - nothing quite tops the list like hearing The Package had to spend actual dollars on clothes to cover up her cake!

Posted by Jess at 2:41 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

Ahem…

This really doesn’t require any comment, does it?

This is going to hurt my spirit, isn’t it?

Also - I refuse to call that thing Hotdogs. Can we come up with a better name for him, please?

Posted by Jess at 1:40 AM Link | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)

May 8, 2005

And So It Begins…

Welcome, readers!

Tonight the new season of Big Brother finally kicked off - and what a spectacular kick off it was, etc! I spent the entire show making frantic notes in one hand and text messaging fellow devotees with the other. I think I sent and received over a hundred messages tonight, which both makes me feel warm and happy - and infinitely depressed. Vodafone must be rubbing their hands in gleeful anticipation of the next few months worth of bills.

Nonetheless, you’re not here to read about little old me - you’re here to talk Big Brother, so let’s get on with it! I have documented the emotional journey I undertook whilst watching the launch of the show, so you’ll really feel like you are “in the moment”. Hopefully.

---

Lights! Camera! Action!

The show kicks off with a retrospective of the very first Big Brother. As I watch the clips, I am forced to remember a time when Gretel Killeen was a brunette. How you’ve mutated grown over the years, dear Gretel! I am also pleased as punch that they’ve decided to run through Gretel’s “fashion” choices during the last four seasons of Big Brother. The big question is - what will Gretel wear tonight?

From the smokey shadows on stage, Gretel emerges… and she’s a platinum blonde dominatrix! Ever see that rubbish sci-fi show where the aliens and the humans lived side by side on Earth, and the alien skulls were pinkish and over-sized and spotty? Gretel looks like that, only crossed with a character from Children Of The Corn. At this point, Fop calls me to ask whether I agree with his speculation that Gretel hides the Big Brother secrets in her hair.

Suitably, considering the Mistress Killeen outfit she is currently donning, her first words - after a quick hello and fake laugh - are a sharp “Sit down!”. I think Gretel needs to apologise to the make up artists for whatever she did to make them so resentful toward her, as they’ve given her a very odd squinty-eyed look - as we say in our household, “piss-slit eyes”. Poor Gretel.

Still, she seems excited to be here and keeps talking in a deeply confessional manner. She wants to tell us the Big Brother secret, but decides (after a quick consultation with her ear piece - yeah right) to tell us later. Or as she says “I’ll sneak the information into you later!” Pardon me, Gretel - you’ll sneak it into me? In what form - a suppository? This should be an interesting if not slightly intrusive season for the show!

She does mention the existence of an imposter though, and we’re informed that none of the house mates are aware there’s a rat in the ranks. We are not to mention anything about the imposter to the new house mates when they come on stage. At this point, I expect Gretel to whisper in her beautifully condescending manner “Remember - quiet as a mouse…” but she holds off. I suppose it’s a good idea to keep some things for the first eviction.

But before we meet the new house mates, let’s welcome the old winners! Here they come down the walkway - ooh look! It’s Ben! He’s a smarmy Liberal supporter now and great mates with the Howard boys - his hair looks much better though! Here’s Peter - and my, I’d forgotten how powerful his eyebrows are! It’s as though two furry caterpillars are courting on his forehead, bless! Oh Reggie, you giggling Gertie of daftness - still lovably dim as ever! Hey, who’s that bootylicious man shakin’ his bon bon? Why, it’s the proudly big bummed (and recently married) Trevor! Yay, memory lane!

Gretel, seriously. What is with the hair? Around our house, we’re quoting the Simpson’s episode where Bart, Lisa and the kids decide to do the radio show after seeing the movie with the freaky blonde children. “We know aaaaaall yoooour seeeecrets!”

Now we’re shown a clip of the Big Brother auditions, and there’s a shot of Gretel wearing low cut jeans whilst standing in a throng of wannabes. Dear god, has she got a TATTOO just above her giney?

Some of the funnier auditions are shown - and keen Idol watchers will recognise that one of the would-be housemates is, in fact, the adorable bloke who did the song and dance rendition of Lost Without You and confided his goal in life was to turn everything into a musical number. We still heart you!

These ad breaks are quite irritating. Speaking of irritating, how about the constant “down there” cream commercials? “That ought to have gotten rid of the men. So now we can talk about thrush.” Oh good. I was dying to have a natter on about vaginal issues with my television.

And we’re back! Let’s meet our first housemate, shall we?

We are shown the video package for Constance - at first glance, she appears to be a shoddy knock off of Kelly Clarkson. I receive an SMS roughly five seconds after she appears on the screen - “Mad cans”. Touche, Fits. Constance keeps threatening “to go mad”, as though she’s a live wire of crazy behaviour, but as we all know - truly mad people don’t talk about being mad, they just live it. On the upside, she hates positive people. Right on!

My biggest concerns for her are eyebrow-related. She may not be able to maintain them properly in the house, and they seem like the type to enter the Peter Corbett-sphere if not regularly attended to. Fop rings me at this point and assures me that if Shappelle Corby, bless her innocent soul, can keep her eyebrows in tip top shape whilst residing in a Bali jail for a crime she so clearly didn’t commit, then Constance should be able to do a fine job in much better circumstances. Do you love how I just weighed in seriously on the Corby affair completely out of nowhere? Strap yourselves in, I’m likely to bang on about all sorts of things for no reason whatsoever in this Big Brother blog.

Now Gretel tells us that Shane Warne the Cameraman will be giving us a tour of the new house. We see the Diary Room, and I note that tissues are already on the coffee table. I had no idea Saxon was entering the house again? The colour scheme of the house is likely to drive the housemates either mad or blind. Perhaps both, if we’re lucky.

Shane escorts us to the bathroom - and we see that the walls of the shower have patches of magnifying glass in them. I bet Blair McDonough is gutted such a flattering viewing window wasn’t around when he was in the house.

We see the outdoor area and we’re informed there’s “something” behind a wall. I suspect that on the other side of the divide, they’re storing Gretel’s little known twin sister - a horribly deformed creature with an anger management problem raised on a diet of raw meat and arse whoopin’s, and they plan to unleash her on the unsuspecting housemates in a murderous plot to boost ratings. We can only hope!

What else does the house have to offer? Well, there’s a pole for dancing on, and a sauna. They’re really trying to cater for a completely pornographic Uncut, and I applaud the producers for this. Anything is better than entire Wednesday night episodes of the so-called “naughty” edition of the show being jammed packed with footage of a meatball footy head reciting Jeff Buckley lyrics to a would-be paramour. Fryzie, I’m looking at you here.

Now we’re back to Constance. She’s in the “waiting room” for people going into the house and she looks lonely, confused and somewhat adorable. Am I going to like her? At this point, all signs point to yes.

Time for our second housemate - meet the ultra-confident Christie. I have nothing against confident people, but I always like them to have, oh I don’t know, something to back up their bravado. Christie talks about herself as though she’s an absolutely stunning genius, but one suspects she’s wrong on all counts. She talks about her sexuality and seductively regurgitates for the camera “the door swings both ways” - nice. Gotta love imagery of your vagina as a revolving door, doll face. Talking to Gretel onstage, Christie’s response to most questions seems to be “you only live once” - an awful cliche the first time it’s uttered, an indication of deep idiocy when repeated four times in succession. During the chit chat with Gretel, Christie turns to the audience and pipes up “I’m perfect…” and the joke falls flat. Good.

Our third housemate appears to be the Queensland franchise of the Monica brand. In simply three contestants, it would appear Big Brother producers have met the necessary quota of bogans. Good job! Michelle seems pleasant and inoffensive enough, and when she posed Ralph-style in swim wear with her best friend Zelda, I couldn’t help but feel for her. She and Zelda are really going to miss each other. Zelda. Can I say it one more time? Zelda.

We cut to footage of the waiting room and Christie is meeting Constance for the first time. Constance, bless, believes that the waiting room IS the Big Brother house for the year. She points to the two doors in the room and announces “That’s a toilet, and that’s locked.” There is a moment of stillness in the room as both girls try to absorb the information, and if you turn the volume up on your television just enough, you can hear the ocean. In other news, congratulations to the scientists over at Southern Star Endemol laboratories, who have successfully managed to clone Ashalea - twice! Finally, the girls discuss what they were thinking while on stage. Christie exclaims “It didn’t function!” and one assumes she is talking about her brain.

Fourth housemate time! Meet Dean - he kicks things off by announcing he doesn’t care what people think of him, he’ll be himself, he’s not afraid of stirring people, blah blah blah. Then he informs us that he can fit his fist in his mouth, and I suspect that’s not the only place he’s put his fist in. Gretel is clearly smelling fresh meat, and she’s barely able to talk once he’s standing next to her onstage - her eyes hungrily undressed him, and she felt a… hang on! This is not an erotica blog! Dean seems like a bit of a tool. I will keep my eye on him, don’t you worry.

Back to the waiting room - Michelle goes in and introduces herself to the other two housemates. The combined IQ of the room is boosted to an impressive 70.

More housemates! We meet Kate, a self-confessed feisty girl who works in administration. Grrrrrr! She claims to have strong opinions and compares herself with Margaret Thatcher. That ought to get the blood pumping in the lads at home! She has a bizarrely intense fear of birds which is worrying, but can imitate a sprinkler like you wouldn’t believe. This skill will no doubt aid her in achieving her goal to become “like Donald Trump”. I suspect she may have to settle for Omarosa, but we’ll see.

Waiting room! Dean enters a room full of girls, and it’s obvious to all and sundry that the ladies want to sex Dean, they want to sex him right in the mouth. Twice.

Next housemate - it’s Logan! No doubt Logan is a very nice and trustworthy young lad, because the only other male I’ve known to have that name was Mary-Anne’s boyfriend in the Babysitters Club, and he was a Southern slice of delight, wasn’t he? He confesses that his mother was worried about him having “sex with girls” in the house. It would appear she has no problem with him indulging in a bit of bum sex with the fellows, though. That’s a relief.

Back to the waiting room. Dean is flirting with Michelle, and I begin to conclude that I may just love the busty Constance. She’s sitting down drinking a beer and watching the other girls with a look of sheer disdain. I’m feelin’ ya. We hear Christie use the phrase “I reckoned it” and I begin to feel homicidal. Please, I have already had to deal with Tabs from The Resort’s bastardisation of the English language (earballs, indeed!) in this lifetime, I don’t deserve anymore punishment.

Good god, folks! Angela Bishop has entered the Big Brother house! Twenty eight years old, my arse. Housemate Ol notes that Angela is a “strapping girl” and he expresses admiration for her Thorpie-like shoulders. When referring to her heart post-break up, Angela utters the rather poetic sounding sentence “it always repairs to love again”. Awwww. We meet her mother Eva, who tells us with a foxy wink that her offspring is “extremely cheeky cheeky”. To translate into practical terms, she tends to get pissed on a few champers after work and distribute hand jobs like they are going out of fashion. KIDDING, LAWYERS, FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS! SHE HAS NEVER SEEN A PENIS! DON’T BE MAD AT ME!

Fresh from his recent honeymoon, it’s Nathan “Marty” Martin! No wait, it’s not - it’s another lovable roguish country boy for the nation to embrace! Meet Glenn. He seems to be dumb as a post and totally adorable. On stage, he tells Gretel he’s “pingin’” which we can only assume is a good thing.

Angela Bishop enters the waiting room and the boys could not be more unimpressed.

Who will housemate number nine be? Why, it’s another one of that randy McLeod bloke’s daughters! Meet Busty McLeod aka Gianna. She enjoys horse riding, martial arts, putting her ankles behind her head and showing her rack. She will fit in nicely. Gretel continues pretending inexplicably that the housemates “might not” be going into the house. Whatevs, Gretel. Gianna tells the audience with a wink that we’d “be crazy not to have me” and just like Christie’s earlier attempt at playful egotism, the joke dies.

Back in the waiting room, Glenn enters and heads straight for the pile of beer. Afterwards, he aligns himself with the penis owners, and steals glances at the girls like an eleven year old boy at his first school dance. My housemates adore him, by the way.

Housemate number ten is Tim. He declares he hates John Howard and Lleyton Hewitt, and is a complete and utter lefty. Whether being on the side of all that is good and right in this world will help him when it comes to the voting public remains to be seen. Steer clear of interest rate talk, and you’ll do fine.

We cut to the waiting room and Gianna saunters in. Pools of glistening drool form at the feet of the menfolk as they spy her impressive bust. Meanwhile, the sheer falseness of the camaraderie forming between the girls is inspiring and flashes me back to my high school years.

Our next housemate is referred to as a thinker and strategist from Queensland. Surely a contradiction in terms! I joke, I joke. Nelson proudly admits that he voted for Howard so quite clearly he’s evil. Besides, there’s only room for one Nelson in my heart, and I think we know who THAT is. When he stands on stage, the ever-hilarious Gretel tricks him and tells him he’s not going into the house… but then tells him he is! What a great joke! We love great jokes, don’t we Fop?

Lefty Tim enters the room of waiting peeps. Chrissie sizes him up immediately. He is supposedly a journalist, and her struggle with the English language tonight has been thoroughly gripping. Will theirs be a star-crossed love?

Another housemate! We are shown a baldy, nose ring wearing, arse brandishing, madly laughing fellow named Michael. He tells us he likes girls because “they’ve got boobs” - I can’t argue with that! He describes himself as a “relationship freelancer” and also informs us that he hates bimbos. I don’t suppose anyone has had the heart to let him know about the potential three months of hell he faces, if that is the case. Gretel Killeen - why are we pursuing this “are you going into the house?” line of questioning? We all know they’re here to go in, let’s not pretend anymore. Oooh, Michael just called one of his piercings his “super nip” - I really like him.

Token bisexual girl alert! We meet Geneva, a young gal who, depending on the angle of the camera work, appears to be a curious mix of dowdy receptionist and rock star with a heroin problem. I fear she may well snap in the house, as the girl has serial killer eyes. This is going to be great! Geneva tells Gretel that she’s extremely close to her younger sister and is worried about her “growing up and changing while (she’s) away”. Fair enough too - three weeks is a long time in the world of a teen. I only hope they recognise each other on the eviction stage once the journey is over for Geneva.

Waiting room! Michael walks in and announces his presence with a massive laugh. He chats away comfortably with everyone right away, and if Carmel Hill (WHERE ARE YOU?) were here, she’d be calling him the “alpha male”.

Round about now, Fop sends me a text message and rightfully asks “But where are the GAYS?” A valid point. I have high hopes for Hotdogs though, and tell Fop to just hold on a little longer - hope is not gone.

Back to the waiting room. Geneva is escorted in and immediately cuddles Alpha Michael excitedly. Two thoughts cross my mind at this point. The first? Geneva is a goddawful name. The second? I loathe Christie.

On stage, Gretel tries to convince us that Michael and Geneva are a potential couple. Oh yeah, Killeen, that’s going to be a reason to turn onto Uncut - AND THEN STAB MY EYES WITH A HOT POKER!

Now we meet another new housemate - the infamous Hotdogs! He tells the camera that he’s worried about the size of his cock. Dude, it didn’t hold Blair back, it shouldn’t worry you either. By about his third aside to the camera, I start to realise that this joker is going to talk about himself in the third person the entire time he’s in the house. It’s like Fryzie for a new generation! His ideal woman? “Someone who likes cooking and cleaning” he jokes. Champagne comedy! We see footage of him kicking a footy in the park and spurring himself on to athletic glory by shouting “C’mon Dogs! Go Dogs! Dogs scores again!” I will fly to the Gold Coast personally and kill him if this doesn’t cease at once. He then tells the camera that he wants to be the greatest lover in the world. I can’t help but wonder why on earth he goes by a name like HOTDOGS if that’s his goal. Gretel is swooning once again. Goodbye, Graxon! Hello, Grotdogs!

The audience are informed of the rules of the show, and you just know that somewhere in the list there’s going to be a new wacky rule that we’re all supposed to drop our jaws over. Sure enough, the final rule is a simple “Rules change” - oh Big Brother, you unpredictable little man! What other surprises can you possibly pull out from your limitless bag of tricks and mischief?

Gretel looks smug. For those of us who are complete morons, she slowly explains that the new “rules change” rule means - gasp! - that Big Brother can change the rules. Fuck me dead, Gretel! I didn’t have a clue! I secretly hope that the first rule to change will be the “housemates may only speak English in the house” clause, and everyone is forced to communicate in Lithuanian. I love the idea of fourteen hapless bogans forced to refer constantly to an Lithuanian dictionary in order to get anything done.

The first change to the standard rules, Gretel tells us conspiratorially, is that for every offence committed by the housemates (not wearing a microphone, etc) $5000 will be slashed from the million dollar prize. Imagine that! Gretel shrugs her shoulders and suggests that by the end of the show, perhaps the winner will owe Big Brother money! She was a stand up comic once, you know.

Back to the waiting room. Will that cunt really be called Hotdogs all season?

Housemates are told that they may now enter the house. Constance (or “Constonance”, as befuddled Glenn insists on calling her) is highly confused as she thought they were all sleeping there. God love her.

Finally - we get to watch them interact in the house. Each year, I am always astounded by how bland and false the conversations are on the first night. Everyone walks around checking out the new digs, and Housemate Nelson sneaks into the new bedroom and begins delivering a monologue. Please don’t address your thoughts out loud, you filthy Howard lover!

Chrissie asks “who’s sleeping with me” - I’ll leave that one right alone.

Gretel is off the stage and now standing in what we’re told is the Isolation Room. Sealed off from the house and the outside world, it seems that a mysterious extra housemate will live here. They bring in the surprise housemate with a black pillowcase over his head, and I begin to fear he is going to be sacrificed to some sort of reality show God, but they whip it off and we see that it’s… Logan? But Big Brother, this is impossible, Logan is in the house, etc! Turns out the internet rumours were correct and “Logan” is, in fact, an imposter! “Logan” is actually a combination of twins Greg and David. Greg (Logan of the Isolation Room) tells Gretel that “the two of us are one person” and I’m a little frightened. Locking Greg-Logan in the Isolation Room reeks of the Simpson’s episode where Bart’s twin Hugo lives in the attic and is fed fish heads. Can Greg-Logan expect the same sort of shabby treatment? Is he the evil twin?

Gretel tells Greg-Logan that he will be switched with his brother in the house sporadically, and if Greg-Logan and David-Logan manage to keep the housemates convinced that they’re only one person for two weeks, they’ll both be allowed to stay in the house. My housemates point out that David-Logan appears to have a scar under his eye which may make it easy to identify a switch, but judging from what I’ve seen tonight, I doubt anyone in the house is cluey enough to note it. Either way - how exciting, Big Brother!

To wind up the show, we’re shown about ten minutes of footage straight from the house. They’ve been in there for literally minutes and somehow Constance and Nelson are completely drunk. “Is there anyone that you hate?” asks Constance, skipping small talk and getting straight to the juicy stuff. Oh my GOD - she’s flashing the camera and they’ve been forced to BLUR HER VADGE! This is glorious. They’re also already talking about “playing the game” (surely a fine-worthy offence, Big Brother?!) which means we’re hours away from hearing “That’s massive!” and “You’re jooooking me!” in the house.

In the boudoir, Christie (or is it Michelle? Does it matter?) attempts to flirt with David-Logan.

“I keep thinking you’re Leroy.”
“Yeah.”

Spectacular.

Back to Constance - we see she’s completely smashed, still flashing her noo-noo with gay abandon and apparently in the middle of having “issues” with the other girls in the house. Christ almighty, is she going to be Aphrodite II?

To the bedroom! There’s been a massive fight already over Dean “peer pressuring” (in Thatcher’s eyes) Constance to drink. Hey, wasn’t Constance just outside? What the hell? Don’t tell me this thing isn’t live! Anyway, Thatcher channels her inner Katrina and begins to ramble on about thesauruses and dictionaries. Dean lashes back with some rubbish, and for no apparent reason the two of them continue to use the word “mann-u-risms” as though it were part of the English language. Someone desperately needs to club them both about the head.

---

So there you have it, gang! My God, I feel like Moses must have after he finally finished taking dictation from God on Mt Sinai - only my work is slightly more important. Kidding, Bible bashers! Lay down your weapons!

I am confident this is going to be the worst best Big Brother ever, so please be sure to stay and watch with us, mmmkay?

Posted by Jess at 11:50 PM Link | Comments (32) | TrackBack (3)

Big Brother Housemates!

What the HELL is going on over at the Official Site, then?

I just checked it out and they’ve put up information on the housemates! I’ve seen two blokes so far, one called Tim and another called - believe it or not - Hotdog. And it talks about living in Hotdog’s world.

Is this a joke? Or can we expect three months of insanity?

Update
There’s more! Tonight we can expect to meet Christie (who, we are told, has been advised that she’s “the package” - whatever that means), Michael (who is not shy), Gianna (who describes herself as “honest” and has “great tits”) and… oh, bugger it - read it yourself.

Posted by Jess at 8:57 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)