Category: blog
October 23, 2007
Moving house…
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the “long” and “glorious” history of ausculture.com, The oldest surviving post is Email stupidity from the 28th January 2004.
Back when the site started in 2004 it was hosted on a Celeron 1000 PC in my spare room, running off a Telstra Bigpond cable connection. Now, anyone who ever owned a Celeron 1000 or who used Bigpond cable in 2004 might guess that this wasn’t sustainable for a site that gets more than one visitor a day. Since very early days ausculture.com has been getting at least two visitors a day, often as many as three.
So, some time in 2004 I moved the site over to another server where it has lived ever since more or less continuously - there were hiccups like me losing the domain but nothing major in terms of site live time.
Recently it became necessary to consolidate some hosting and so, with a certain amount of fear I undertook the task of moving ausculture.com to another server and hosting platform. Manually.
Ouch.
Moving db’s, files, mail, ftp accounts and re-installing both movabletype and the php engine that powers the homepage was an excruciating experience. Both hosts are external and I think I’ve had an ftp program running transferring files for the better part of three days (yes, I’m aware that the content pages could be rebuilt on the new server but for the blog, there’s actually quite a bit of… legacy content and I didn’t want poor old Googlebot not being able to find half of what it sees as ausculture.com.)
So, here it is. What I would call the final resting place of ausculture.com. It’s not moving from here (after all, it no longer produces content so it’s already on life support) so the site will be riding this hosting all the way to the bottom.
As a note, if anyone finds anything broken then let me know. I’m sure I missed something.
Posted by Patrick at 5:14 PM Link | Comments (2)October 14, 2007
being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB
The rest is up to your imagination. Including the answer to why Coober Pedy is so green.
October 11, 2007
Disturbing Google search phrases XI
Before I start, this does not mark a return of the ausculture.com blog. I’m simply posting another batch of these because they’re generally funny… Also, this is not Jess. Check the author.
Let’s see what we have here:
- women builders arse crack Pay attention porn site owners, it’s all about finding a niche market.
- Wayne Rooney naked I know this one was listed before but… How disturbing is it that more than one person on earth has searched for this? or that one person has twice!
- i wet myself Seriously people. Google is not your incontinence therapist, or your cleaner.
- 55 year old womnan porn Is that typo on the word “woman” due to excitement or arthritis grandma?
- fix the fence with sticky tape Tried it. Didn’t work. Maybe bubble gum?
- Still more various variations on sexual acts performed on an island. There were at least a dozen hits from that in the last month. If you feel the need to research this on the web then it’s probably not going to matter if you’re on an island or not because you’ll be crap regardless. ok?
- big denise drysdale cleavage Errr.
- seriously, your body is a fucking wonderland John Mayer is seriously fucking kicking himself that he didn’t think to embellish the lyrics like that.
- being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB Actually, no one has ever found us via that but… now that ausculture.com will soon be the only result for that search it’s only a matter of time.
And finally…
- piles fitech sex Anyone wanna have a guess at that?
April 20, 2007
The Future Of Ausculture.
I have some bad news for you, kids… Ausculture isn’t going to be updated much from here on in. The odd sporadic post perhaps but essentially it’s gonna sit pretty on the interwebs as an archive of three years of mischief. Two years of mischief actually involving the process of updating and writing new material!
OH NOES! FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I’VE GROWN ATTACHED TO YER BLATHERING!
That’s very kind of you and you shall be rewarded with a sly fondle in the not too distant future.
The good news? If you’re into Big Brother rants, Australian Idol heckling, strange YouTube footage, deep analysis of the love lives of Australian soap stars etc, I will be banging such delights out with furious daily regularity on another site from Monday onwards.
OMG! WHAT? WHERE? HUH?
You’re hearing it here first, dear readers. Through a clever combination of single entendres, emails containing nothing but photos of walruses holding/losing buckets, and seven compromising Polaroids featuring my new employer after a couple of bottles of Jose Cuervo licking liquid chocolate off the southerly cheeks of a Dutch dwarf porn star, I managed to convince someone to hire me and I will now be (un)gainfully employed as editor of Defamer Australia. This will be nice. Until I am fired.
LOL UR AN IDIOT, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS DEFAMER AUSTRALIA!!!1!
There will be on Monday, spazzguts.
WHY WOULD I GO TO DEFAMER AUSTRALIA RATHER THAN DEFAMER.COM IN THE STATES?
Well, if you loathe my particular style of interweb idiocy, you probably wouldn’t. But Defamer Australia is (hopefully) going to be the best of two blogworlds. We’ll grab the best posts from the US site and publish them on Defamer Australia (translation: we’ll sift out the Hollywood trades and industry stuff which tends to go over my head a bit but reproduce the high-larious posts about idiotic celebrities you’ve come to expect from Mark Lisanti and posse so you don’t miss out), plus we’ll have a tonne of local content.
CONTENT ABOUT JUST ABOUT THE FILM AND TV INDUSTRY, YEAH?
Nup. Here’s where the aims of the two Defamers will differ. While the US Defamer does a brilliant job of focusing on that particular niche, Defamer Australia will manically leap from topic to topic - genre to genre, skin to skin, fun to funky. We’ll not only discuss Australian showbiz as a whole and obsessively watch/review shithouse reality television programs, but we’ll also report on the occasional Australian current event/hot news item. Last but not least, we’ll also put in our two cents when it comes to overseas showbiz stuff, seasoning it with an Antipodean perspective. All in all, that’s a lot of fucking stuff to read when you’re bored at work.
YES.
(exhales)
Any questions?
Thanks to all of you who have so faithfully stuck by Ausculture since we started way back in January of 2004. Your emails and comments (and real life feedback, those of you I’ve been lucky enough to meet in the flesh), especially the support you threw my way when things were looking a bit dire last year, really meant the fucking world to me.
I’d also like to give a saucy wink to my posse of buddies in Melbourne (and Sydney!) who have so wonderfully kept me going over the past year and a half. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I can call the funniest, kindest, cleverest and most talented people in the world my friends.
VOMIT!
LOLOLOLOLOL
WHAT ABOUT THE ACADEMY?
Frankly, the Academy did fuck all for me. And don’t get me started on God…
x
Posted by Jess at 12:06 PM Link | TrackBack (0)April 18, 2007
Peaches Takes The Piss Out Of Alanis (Taking The Piss Out Of Fergie)
And all is right with the world…
PS: If you never saw the original Alanis parody, here it is.
Although darling friends of mine found the above warblings to be kinda amusing, I could never get past the fact that - despite Alanis displaying what suspiciously looks like a sense of humour - she still sounds like a cat being raped and her monotonous mewlings make me want to stab someone… anyone…
SO GOD BLESS PEACHES FOR REPRESENTIN’, YO!
Muchos thanks to the beautiful Lee Lee for the link.
Posted by Jess at 10:46 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Angry Celebrities.
I quite liked the following two examples of celebrities losing their shit at each another. It tickled my funny bone and made me feel slightly better about being forced to wake up - slightly hung-over - at 4.45am this morning.
BLOKE FROM MOGWAI RE: KEITH RICHARDS.
Hi everyone. I just woke up to find that average blues guitar peddlar and all round unlikeable London pirate-like arsehole Keith Richard snorted his dad’s ashes on a drug binge. Well done Keith, you talentless publicity hungry horrible prick of the highest order. He then goes on to say modern bands are a load of old crap. Right, but can we really listen to the opinions of a nasal cannibal?
Keith, your band are possibly the worst band in the history of human events, worse even than Placebo and The Reynolds Girls combined. Your posh English singer sings with an American accent about a load of old American prostitutes he met once and your guitar licks are Grade F. The sooner you die the quicker my Ladbrokes bet comes in between you and McCartney you old dick. I hope you kick the bucket in the most humiliating of ways, like on the toilet and then being eaten by your own dog. Stop living and give us peace you attention seeking non relevant oxygen thief.
SHARON OSBOURNE RE: JOSH HOMME.
I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick fuckin’ falls off so his mother can eat it.
Delightful.
Posted by Jess at 7:48 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)April 17, 2007
Can I Have Four Beers?
On the off chance you haven’t seen this yet, here is the best piece of comedy Will Ferrell has ever put his name to. Seriously. It’s Day Two of watching it over and over and I’m still not sick of it. ‘Pearl’ makes me want to have a child… and teach it to get angry at people for my amusement.
UPDATE - The original embedded vid was a YouTube one, but it was yanked off the YouTube site due to copyright reasons. The only way to embed the clip from its original source (Funny Or Die) without making Ausculture look as though it had been on a pie-eating binge with Warney was to make it appear in the extended blog post. I don’t know what I’m saying. The coffee is hitting me right now. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE.
POINT BEING, CLICK THE BELOW LINK, MOTHERCHUCKERS, IT’S AMAZING.
Posted by Jess at 6:51 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)April 13, 2007
Well, That’s Weird.
I’m pretty sure I’ve spent the majority of my life believing John Laws to be quite the spank lord. Lord knows I’ve found his quips in the past, in particular the ones he’s made regarding homosexuals, to be hideous and cringe worthy. But if I ran into him today, I think I’d shake his hand because he’s certainly - pleasantly - surprised me.
In response to the Prime Minister’s revolting defence of Alan Jones after the Australian Communications and Media Authority decided Jones’ abominable comments regarding Middle Eastern Australians - a spray delivered right before the Cronulla riots of 2005 - were in breach of Australia’s broadcasting code, Laws has piped up the following…
“You better ask yourself if this is the sort of individual you want articulating what you seem to think are the views of many Australians. It’s very easy to pander to prejudice. Many of the most dangerous people the world has ever known did just that.”
It’s not often I find myself actually applauding when reading something on a website, but when I saw the above quote in this smh.com.au article, I most certainly did.
PS: This is chockers with relevant quotes.
PPS: One week until I can tell you what the dilly-o’s happening regarding Ausculture! Woot!
Posted by Jess at 5:27 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)April 11, 2007
Boo!
Fondling your base again, just briefly, to assure you…
(ridiculously long pause before leading into paragraph containing little to no actual information)
… that within two weeks you’ll find out what the shizzle is going on here on this website! If you’re the sort of person who gets pumped about Big Brother, Idol, trashy gossip, Logies heckling and other pop cultural delights (and Ausculture’s spazzy, swear-filled take on such things), then head back here in a week and a half. There’ll be good news.
Again, the phrase “good news” will only ring true if you don’t want me dead. ARF! In any case, I’ll be blogging again. A lot. And we’re gonna have some fun…
x
Posted by Jess at 12:03 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)March 19, 2007
“Touching Base”
Urgh - I really hate the term “touching base”, it reminds me of years spent in a hideous office job surrounded by marketing types. And also, lovely attractive people whose friendship I cherish to this day (just in case some wonderful ex co-workers are reading…)
But I just wanted to pop by to give you a few bits of info.
- My laptop died! YES! THIS IS SERIOUSLY SHIT NEWS!
- This means I only have sporadic access to the interwebs! At the library, for fucks!
- And I don’t have time to write proper pop culture stuff, so I just MySpazz blog about personal shit, and thems the only writering I be doing! Hence the silence here!
- But it’s not that I don’t love you, Ausculture readers!
- And hopefully, very soon, I shall be able to tell you about something which would lead to several blog postings a day, five days a week! About pop culture! Big Brother! Idol! Rubbish! Etc!
- Nice, huh?
But until I have definite news for you, I’ll just have to be vague. Fingers crossed, eh?
x
PS: If you’re interested in my new love/hate relationship with Sudoku and other suck lame non-Ausculturey blog fodder, do some Googlestalking and find the MySpazz blog. And add me, for fucks. I am going to give the beautiful Genny B a run for her money friends-wise, or die trying.
Posted by Jess at 6:47 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)March 1, 2007
Tonight on JJJ…
Just popping by to tell ye I’m doing another fill in on JJJ this evening from 1am to 6am. I’ve forgotten how to press the buttons and I’ve had very little sleep SO PREPARE FOR MADNESS! My partner in radio crime Clem Bastow can’t do the show with me this week (boo to conflicting schedules!) but next week SHE’LL be dominating the national yoof broadcaster with her inimitable style and finesse so that’s something to look forward to!
x
Posted by Jess at 2:35 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)February 26, 2007
Anyone going to the Playground Weekender festival?
That’s right, anyone heading to this in less than a fortnight’s time? If so, come and say hello. I will be doing “assorted things”* on a stage marked “Other” - coincidentally, often the box I find myself ticking on various forms.
*NOT STRIPPING**
**ALTHOUGH THIS MAY BE SUBJECT TO CHANGE/AVAILABLE RIDER.
Posted by Jess at 10:07 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)February 19, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith’s Mysterious Death Has Been Solved!
And by Lily Allen, no less! Luckily everyone favourite Chris Cester hater* has blogged her findings (RE:VICKI LYNN HOGAN’S PASSING) on her famed MySpazz blog…
Now I am in bed watching a documentary on Anna Nicole Smith , may her soul rest in peace . I reckon Howard K Stern did it . I hope he gets found out . He looks creepy .
Well, I suppose that’s that then. Another case solved! Kudos, Inspector Allen!
Sorry for the silence (again x a million). Free wireless has disappeared from the house and I am typing this from the local library’s computers. A LIBRARY! I hope I don’t accidentally learn stuff. In any case, Born Dancin’ and I are talking VERY SERIOUSLY about investing in speedy internet for our charming house. Can anyone suggest a company/deal for us? We have no idea how to go about these things. We are landline-less, if that helps influence your advice.
*Actually, Ally Spazzy is my favourite Chris Cester hater. Apparently he went mental at her during this year’s Big Day Out tour about five minutes before he and Lily Allen got into a scrap. And when Chris was getting all crankypants at Ally, a member of Eskimo Joe stood beside him snickering approvingly… until Chris then turned on him. Ahh Bolivia showbiz… In any case, Ally has sworn to give me the scoop once I find my beloved dictaphone, although I think that’s pretty much the story. Sigh. I need a coffee.
February 11, 2007
More Buzzcocks Madness!
Remember when I gave you a heads up regarding the sweet genius of Never Mind The Buzzcocks last week? My dear chum Sean “Twice As” Butler commented on the post and mentioned a recent episode of the program where Simon Amstell used his razor sharp wit to slice and dice Donny Tourettes. Donny is the frontman of faux-punk band Towers Of London and they, just so you know, are a grievous offense against all things good in the world of music.
CAN WE WATCH SAID EPISODE, PLEASE?
I insist you do. It has been gently imbedded* below.
The bit where Simon has a jab about Donny smoking onstage in the final video is delicious, although the “punk dance” he does 6 minutes into the third clip makes me love him even more than I ever thought possible.
This is a genuine romance, people. I know he’s gay and we don’t know each other and all that other stuff but when you’ve found “the one”, you can’t let little things get in the way of the bigger picture.
I’d say the only thing really stopping me from settling down and becoming Mrs Simon Amstell is Ms Fits, a woman renown for her jealous streak and being mad as a cut snake, who would probably hunt me down and stab me if I managed to get my filthy paws on Simon before she did. Her obsession with him is about as unhealthy as mine. You can ask the wonderful Richard Watts, if you like. The poor man drew the short straw the other night and was sitting next to us as we squealed excitedly about how dreamy Simon is and how he might not really be gay if he met us and oooh, oooh did you see the interview he did with The Kooks YAYAYAY I FUCKING <3 1 DAT 1 BUT WHA BOUT DA BRITNEY ONE LOLOLOLOL DATS MY FAVE ME 2 AN HE GAV AWAY DA CHEEZE ON DA RED CARPIT @ DA BRITS CSIROMG DAT WAS DA BEST!
Yes, we talk like that in real life. It is incredibly unnerving.
*I am so juvenile, I actually snickered out loud when I typed “embedded”. You can imagine the idiocy that ensued at the East Brunswick Club last night while I was doorbitching… for string ensemble Fourplay. Ahhh… good times.
Posted by Jess at 4:55 PM Link | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)February 9, 2007
Tips for domain registration
- Auto renewal, using a credit card or debit card of some sort can make things easier… Until your credit card expires.
- Of course, if you manage a numer of domains under the same registrar it’s fine - you’ll notice next time you log in. Unless it’s that one domain you registered elsewhere for reasons unknown.
- Which isn’t such an issue really, you’ll get a reminder notice that your domain is about to expire… Unless the renewal notice goes to an old email address you rarely check.
- However, as soon as you notice that a domain has expired, you can quickly go to the registrar, log in and renew it. Unless you’ve forgotten the password.
- If you’ve forgotten the password, you can get a replacement emailed to you. Unless you had the email account deleted a year ago.
- Which means you have to ring the registrar, and then fax them some proof of identification. That’s the way it works with this particular registrar anyway.
- So then, you can re-register that domain. Unless (hypothetically) you didn’t register the domain under your own name. Now that would put you in a bit of a pickle.
You’d need to do something like ring your old ISP and somehow get your email account back. They’re only human, they’ll understand. Right?
Yes.
Unless you left them on less than amicable terms (for whatever reason) and you still owe them money.
Now, anyone who knows me would know that I’d never be so careless as to do all of the above. I’m just saying.
Posted by Patrick at 10:12 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)February 6, 2007
Penelope Cruz and Olivier Martinez?
KYLIE Minogue’s ex-boyfriend, Olivier Martinez, has been spotted in the arms of yet another woman, this time it’s actress Penelope Cruz.
Britain’s Daily Mirror made a meal of photographs showing the French actor in an embrace with the Hollywood star at a Los Angeles hotel 12 hours after ending his four-year relationship with Minogue.
Rest easy, Kyles. It’s a well-known fact that Penelope only dates men who are rumoured to indulge in “Greco-Roman wrestling” from time to time and it has become apparent over the past few weeks that Olivier does indeed appear to have a very real and genuine enthusiasm for the ladies. Ladies who dig ladies, for that matter!
Posted by Jess at 11:20 AM Link | TrackBack (0)February 5, 2007
Welcome back
One day I’ll tell you all the story of how the ausculture.com domain registration went missing for two days.
Perhaps next week.
Until then… returning you to your scheduled programme.
Posted by Patrick at 9:46 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Assorted Things To Begin Your Working Week.
NUMBER ONE
Your first piece of reading for this morning… was Malcolm X a gayer? Quite an interesting article. Sure, I could have blogged about it when it was published in the middle of 2005 but I’ve been busy, people!
NUMBER TWO
It’s been over two weeks since I found it through Defamer and this YouTube clip is still thrilling me to bits.
Better click and enjoy the merriment of hearing Tootie from The Facts Of Life gleefully exclaiming “Boooooong! Boooooong! Booooong!” and Mrs Garrett using the phrase “I’m not one to look a gift-bong in the mouth” (a term which I have immediately placed at the top of my mental list of Party Quips) before the clip is pulled down due to copyright restrictions or some such malarkey. Kill, Ubu! Kill! Good dog.
NUMBER THREE
ANYONE HERE WATCH NEIGHBOURS? Well, coming up quite soon - I’ll confirm closer to the date when my dear Neighbours insider gives me the lowdown - there will be an episode where one character refers to another as a “sezbian”. Look familiar, does it?
WE MADE IT UP RIGHT HERE ON AUSCULTURE JUST OVER ONE YEAR AGO!
Hopefully this means the word will enter the global pop cultural lexicon! Or at the very least it’ll be used by London students who sit around all day smoking Jamaican skunk and watching the goings on of Ramsay Street in between runs to the kitchen for more Pot Noodles.
Coming soon to Neighbours: Susan explains to Lynn that her nasty itchy rash is simply “sexema” caused by having a super-randy Karl constantly rubbing himself all over her. Ahem. I’m working on that one right now, get back to me in a month…
NUMBER FOUR
LISTEN! Why, if I’m not mistaken, it’s one of the original Sugababes who left the group because the girls were total bitches to her and taunted her by speaking their own language which she couldn’t understand a word of and generally making her miserable etc! AND SHE’S VERY GOOD!
NUMBER FIVE
Who knows how to have a good time (other than Tootie)? Paris bloody Hilton, that’s who - or at least that’s the conclusion you could safely draw after checking out reports of the home video which was simply one item in an exciting collection of Hilton things being exhibited on the now defunct parisexposed.com. Let’s see - a man splattered with cocaine here, a chilled out pup named Prince there… No wonder she sounds cheery when she exclaims “Hi bitches…I have the best pot…Let’s smoke some fucking herb right here.” That’s hot.
Less hot is the visual place you’ll go to when you discover she’s also muttered delightful statements like “That looks like my ———- on a bad day, after being ——ed by ten n—-ers”. And not quite done with the topic of being done up the tradesman’s, she also admits “I get ——ed in the —— for coke.” I’ll assume that last part is her joking cheekily, like when Jared Leto says he’s “gay as a goose” in an interview or when chums tell me “Jess, for the last time - that’s inappropriate touching and I’ll thank you to remove your hand from my upper thigh”. LOLOLOL @ MI KRAZEE FRENZ!!!1!
NUMBER SIX
Reasons to continue liking The Ginger Prince better than The Pretty One With The Receding Hairline? He lists his interests on his FaceBook account as “eating, crying, screaming, pooing and weekends”. Steal his shtick and update your MySpazz pages accordingly.
More rubbish links and news as it comes to hand. Oooh, I’m liking this internerd-at-home caper!
x
Posted by Jess at 7:07 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)February 4, 2007
OH YEAH! I Forgot All About Telling You This…
Remember when I mentioned I had Dancing With The Stars gossip? And then completely left the topic alone in favour of doing god knows what?
Well, here’s what I was gonna tell you - Naomi Robson is going to be shimmying away on the program.
I found this out a couple of weeks ago when the producer for Dancing With The Stars sat next to me at the internet cafe I was frequenting constantly to take full advantage of the free wireless. She seemed quite lovely and we’d already made small talk when she then got on the phone and began discussing the new series of the show quite loudly and I couldn’t help overhearing the rather entertaining conversation about previous stars of the show/future stars in the coming series.
I decided against “live blogging” it at the time because, I dunno… it felt like I was breaking some internerd cafe code of ethics or something, but it’s out now so there you go. Here’s the snippet of what she said on the phone about Naomi Robson which I meant to write about - and would have, if it weren’t for me having the attention span of a goldfish and consequently forgetting all about it the second the producer left the cafe.
“Naomi doesn’t give a ** what anyone thinks of her. Well, she cares about her appearance and looks and stuff, but as far as whether the average Australian likes her, she couldn’t give a damn. Should be great!”
Earth-shattering tidbit, I know.
On the upside (touch wood) - free internet! Back in the house!
BRING ON MOTHERCHUCKING BIG BROTHER, YOU BASTARDS!
Posted by Jess at 5:41 PM Link | TrackBack (0)February 2, 2007
It Might Be The Lack Of Sleep…
… or insanity brought on by attempting to quit smoking, but I found the last bit of the following article somewhat amusing.
A 29-year-old pedophile posed as a 12-year-old boy for two years and even attended an Arizona school for four months before being kicked out for poor attendance.
Neil Havens Rodreick, 29, who is 1.7m tall and weighs 54kg, shaved his head and covered his stubble with make-up to fool authorities and friends.
He used the name Casey Price and spent four months last year at the Imagine School in Phoenix before he was thrown out for poor attendance, the British Press Association said.
He allegedly pretended to be a youth for nearly two years, even convincing two men who had been looking for boys on the internet that he was a minor and getting them to pretend to be his relatives.
His neighbours said he built the occasional skateboard ramp and did wheelies on his bike down the streets.
At school he was seen as a shy, average student who handed in his homework but did not stay after classes ended.
Authorities said that after leading Lonnie Stiffler, 61, and Robert Snow, 43, to believe he was a youth, Rodreick talked them into taking him to live with them in Arizona, according to the New York Times.
Mr Stiffler reportedly posed as his grandfather and Mr Snow as his uncle.
Both were said to have regularly had sex with him, and investigators believed another man living in the house.
He was caught earlier this month when he went to a school in Chino Valley, Arizona, for a day and teachers got suspicious.
Rodreick spent seven years in prison after being convicted in 1996 of lewdly propositioning a six-year-old boy in Oklahoma.
He was charged with forgery and fraud over the school incidents.
He was also accused of assault against a girl and investigators said a video of him engaging in sex acts with an unidentified child was found at his house.
The other men had have been indicted on numerous counts, the New York Times said.
Authorities said Mr Stifler and Mr Snow were shocked and angry about being duped by an adult posing as a minor.
Quotes presumably not used in the article -
Mr Stifler - We thought we were decent, upstanding kiddy fiddlers.
Mr Snow - And now we discover our “victim” is in fact a 29 year old grown man?
Mr Stifler - How can we show our faces at the next NAMBLA get together?
Mr Snow - This has ruined our reputation amongst the pederast community.
Mr Stifler - I’m answering calls from my mother all the time, having to reassure her that I’m not a homosexual!
Mr Snow - You spend years - years - trying to infiltrate a community, get involved with the local children’s groups, that sort of thing. And the next thing you know, everyone thinks you’re gay. My career as a Scout master is over. Yes, I’ll say I’m shocked about being duped. Shocked and angry.
Mr Stifler - We’ve been wronged. We shall seek compensation, mark my words.
DISCLAIMER DEAR BLOG POLICE: PLEASE NOTE THAT I DO NOT FIND PEDOPHILES AMUSING (GARY GLITTER EXCEPTED, HIS KNOCK KNOCK JOKE REPERTOIRE IS SECOND TO NONE) NOR DO I FIND IT FUNNY THAT A GROWN MAN - A SEXUAL PREDATOR, NO LESS - MANAGED TO BLAG HIS WAY INTO AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE HE COULD HARM CHILDREN. MY HOBBIES DO NOT INCLUDE HARMING CHILDREN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. CHECK MY MYSPAZZ INTERESTS PAGE IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME!
Posted by Jess at 2:28 PM Link | TrackBack (0)January 28, 2007
Never Mind The Buzzcocks = GENIUS
Seriously. The Brits really know how to do a music panel show, don’t they? Meanwhile, we get stuck with the pleasant but kinda middle-of-the-road Spicks and Specks. It doesn’t seem fair.
I spent Sunday feeling like death and hiding in my room watching YouTube videos of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, and the below episode (lovingly split up into four parts) made me weep with laughter. Highlights include host Simon Amstell’s “in hindsight…” line delivered to Amy Winehouse regarding her song Rehab, and Amy’s hilarious response to the suggestion she should go and write a song with Katie Melua as opposed to Pete Doherty.
The whole thing is wonderful and I have a new YouTube obsession.
Posted by Jess at 11:19 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)January 27, 2007
A Charming Playlist.
WARNING: BLOG FILLER!
Here’s a thoroughly lovely playlist (in my opinion) for late January. Get your hands on the following tracks and you too can chillax to some “phat” tunes.
- Cosmia - Joanna Newsom*
- I Still Remember - Bloc Party
- Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time - Jarvis Cocker
- When You Were Mine - Cyndi Lauper
- Sick With It - The Gossip
- Secret Heart - Ron Sexsmith
- Don’t Fight It - Kenny Loggins feat. Steve Perry
- The Devil - The Rapture
- One With The Freaks - The Notwist
- Get Lost - Patrick Wolf
- Sonido Total - The Pinker Tones
- Always - Erasure
- Understand What You Want But I Just Don’t Agree - Sleepy Jackson
- This Will Be Our Year - The Zombies
*I could never understand the whole Joanna Newsom buzz, but Clemmy played Cosmia on RRR on Wednesday night and since then, I’ve been obsessed with this song.
Posted by Jess at 4:36 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Things That Have Pleased Me During The Past Week.
NUMBER ONE
Playing Heaven 17’s “Temptation” on JJJ at two in the morning and blaring the volume in the studio to an ear-shattering level before dancing by myself on a chair like a spazz and scaring the poor Technical Services guy who drew the short straw and was stuck wandering around Southbank until sunrise answering my ridiculous and utterly pertinent questions like “WHERE’S THE FOXTEL REMOTE?”.
I also quite enjoyed it when my dad emailed me on Wednesday to tell me that my dear 85 year old grandfather had made the effort to wake up early in order to listen to Clem and yours truly when we were doing our month of JJJ Saturday night graveyards. Grandpa’s verdict? According to my dad “he didn’t like the music and couldn’t understand a thing you were saying” but he was very proud. Wow, the music sucked and so did the between-song conversation. WHAT A TELLING ASSESSMENT OF OUR MAD RADIO SKILLZ! God love him.
NUMBER TWO
This picture from the b3ta messageboards.
NUMBER THREE
Also from b3ta , this charming footage of a dog using an accordion-esque shitbag.
NUMBER FOUR
My dear housemate Born Dancin’s list (via somewhere else, but you can grab the relevant links from the blogpost) of idiotic Amazon reviews of George Orwell’s 1984. Example? “”This book isn’t as good as Harry Potter in MY opinion, and no one can refute me. ” GENIUS.
NUMBER FIVE
Via my darling busty Nads, an educational YouTube “documentary” on the crack spider.
There was more but I’m just so excited to have free internet suddenly appear in my bedroom that I simply must leave you and go exploring the interwebs before it inevitably disappears again, leaving me to weep salty tears onto my keyboard.
Posted by Jess at 4:01 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)January 25, 2007
Why Must I Cry?
Posted by Jess at 3:33 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Tonight On “Le J’s”
Word up, motherchuckers. I will be strolling into JJJ later tonight (1am Friday, you pedants) and hitting all the wrong buttons at the wrong time before no doubt breaking the national broadcaster beyond repair just in time for them to be unable to announce the JJJ Hottest 100 tomorrow morning. WHAT A LARK!
Not only is Clem unable to make it, but my replacement co-host Ms Angela Ruth Hart has been forced to pull out last minute. I have beaten her quite savagely around the head as punishment, but hopefully she’ll make up for it through a grovelling public apology in which she compliments me heavily and makes numerous references to my undeniable charm and appeal to the masses. An extract from the interview would probably go something like this.
ME: Say you’re sorry.
ANGIE: I am very sorry.
ME: Will you make it up to me AND the people of Australia?
ANGIE: Yes! Yes I will! I promise!
ME: And how will they know it’s really you?
ANGIE: I don’t know!
ME: Hang on, I have an idea. Are you singing Accidently Kelly Street right now?
ANGIE: No.
ME: Well, then it’s definitely you.
ANGIE: LOLOLOL
ME: ROFLWAFFLES!
Etc.
I am thinking of scaring “the kids” and playing some Tears For Fears. If you’re awake, tune in.
x
Posted by Jess at 2:10 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)January 24, 2007
Joanna Newsom Isn’t As Highbrow As You’d Think.
Have we all heard of high pitched warbler Joanna Newsom? She had a rather successful solo record called The Milk-Eyed Mender (2004) and has just released her follow-up titled “Ys” (pronounced “Eeees”… if you wanna be anything like yours truly and Clem when we back announce this on the rayjo - and really, you don’t want to be as we are bloody idiots most of the time - you should squeal this as loudly and irritatingly as possible).
All very nice, isn’t it? Oooh, she plays the harpsichord! Gosh, she’s toured with Will Oldham and Devendra Banhart! Van Dyke Parks arranged her latest album! She looks all elfin and sweet as though she’s just left the family home in the forests of Lothlorien to try and make it in the music business!
I PUT IT TO YOU THAT JOANNA NEWSOM IS A CHEEKY DEVIL WHO WATCHES DODGY HOME PORNOS FEATURING EX-SAVED BY THE BELL STARS.
“GASP!”
Yes! And furthermore, not only does she enjoy viewing such unclassy material, but she actually wrote a song about the whole experience and were it not for some lackey at the record company mishearing the title of the song, the above snippet of information would, in fact, be well known around the traps!
“EXPLAIN YOURSELF, WOMAN!”
Right. The first single from EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!! is called Sawdust & Diamonds.
OR IS IT?
I firmly believe the title of the song was originally meant to be….
“YES?”
SAW DUSTIN DIAMOND’S! OPEN PARENTHESIS! PENIS! CLOSE PARENTHESIS!
“………”
I’ll stop drinking coffee now and get my coat. I’m so sorry.
Posted by Jess at 11:25 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)This Is Quite Brilliant.
Kudos once again to Scott, To Be Certain - his assessment of women’s tennis is guffaw prompting genius.
Read it here. Immediately.
Posted by Jess at 11:08 AM Link | TrackBack (0)Holiday Season Come Down Cures.
It would have been better providing you lot with this some time around mid-January but never mind. Here are some helpful tips on how to shake off the dreaded feeling of ‘bleurgh’ that can follow on from serious shindiggery!
It’s January. You’ve made it – god knows how – through the holiday season’s seemingly endless gauntlet of parties and shindigs, grimaced and probably boozed your way through your family celebrations, donned yer drinking cap and kept it real for New Years Eve and now you find yourself exhausted, physically broken and mentally fried in the first month of 2007.
But fear not, dear chums. I’m a bit of an expert when it comes to dusting myself off in order to climb aboard the Knees Up Express once again, so I’m here to give you a couple of tips on how to get past the infamous Holiday Season Come down.
Make this (non-alcoholic) drink!
The lovely Renee from The Corner Hotel in Richmond made me the following during an evening I was visibly worse for wear after going a bit bananas the night before. Get a pint glass, pour in an entire can of Red Bull, fill the rest of the glass up with Coke, and add a slice of lemon and a splash of raspberry cordial before downing the motherchucker. Voila! Buh-bye hangover!
From the mouths of rock and rollers…
Ally Spazzy was once given the following tip on how to recover from serious partying by Ross from the Cosmic Psychos. According to him, the best way to get over particularly savage party-caused lethargy is to “down enough water until you feel like you’re going to throw up” and then go to sleep on a bed without pillows. Yes. I’ve never tried this myself but if people in the music scene can’t be relied upon to give us the heads up on ways to move on from a hangover, then who in this goddamn crazy world is there left to trust, I ask you?
Hair of the dog!
True, the last thing you want to look at after three weeks of solid pub-based gallivanting is a frothy beer, but sometimes downing a cold lager really is the only way to cure yourself of post-inebriation pain. You can do it!
And if all else fails…
I suggest therapy. Apparently there’s some sort of sweet government deal which means you get like, eight visits with a psychologist who probably earned their diploma by responding to an email from a university rep named Underachiever P. Postmortem for the price of an all day Metcard, although you may want to double check that as I am notorious for refusing to deal with “facts”. But here’s one thing I can tell you for sure. If you walk in for your session only to discover the person meant to be dealing with your fragmented noggin has a tapestry hanging from their office wall with the words “You Can’t Have Psycho-Analogy Without Anal!” lovingly cross-stitched upon it, it’s probably best to leave straight away. Trust me on this one.
Posted by Jess at 10:45 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)January 22, 2007
BDO
Flags sold for profit will be canceled.
Well, call me crazy but I’m looking at this the other way.
For fuck’s sake, you’re supposed to be running a music festival. Why get involved in shit-flinging?
BTW, I haven’t been to the BDO for at least five years so I can’t (nor am I trying to) comment on whatever thuggery they have going on there now…
~ Patrick
Posted by Patrick at 10:22 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Various Things For Your Monday, Folks
Hola, kids! The black dog that has been growling outside my door ever since my beloved best pal Will Fop flew out of the country last week appears to be momentarily distracted, so I figured I’d jump on here for a tick and give you a few quick links to interesting things on the interwebs. ARE YOU PUMPED? Huzzah, etc!
OH NOES!
So the politicians are in a tizzy regarding Big Day Out management discouraging punters from bringing the Australian flag to the festival. Frankly, there’s not much more I can add to the topic when Clem’s written a marvellous “piece” on The Age about it which totally sums up how I feel - check it out here.
THE GOLDEN GLOBES!
Faggot-gate! Ryan Seacrest failing to interest Angelina Jolie! Etc! Read all about it at Defamer, yo.
TRASH TV FOREVS!
I fucking love this article to bits. I also love the US version of Wife Swap, especially after viewing ten episodes in two days. GET ON IT!
JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME’S FULL-MONGREL ON TELLY!
Via Popbitch - please enjoy both Van Damme’s amazing and thoroughly sexy dance moves AND his swollen wang!
RADIO RELATED - RRR!
Clemmy B and I will be returning to RRR this Wednesday night from midnight til 2am, and we have a helluva lot of new and wonderful tunes to spin as well as much nonsense to talk. Tune in!
RADIO RELATED - JJJ!
It’s time for yet another graveyard shift on the national broadcaster! This Thursday night (well, 1am on Friday AEST) will see Triple J listeners having to sit through further questionable choices in music and hysterical laughter. Sadly, my beloved and knowledgeable radio partner-in-crime Ms Clementine “I Like To Sing Politically Incorrect Songs From The Hey Hey It’s Saturday Album On National Radio” Bastow will be unable to join me due to “keeping it real” elsewhere. What does this mean?
FIRSTLY: I will be pressing all the buttons and quite possibly breaking something. ARF!
SECONDLY: I will need a co-host… god forbid I fall asleep at the microphone resulting in late night revellers in Broken Hill feeling confused and perplexed about the sounds of muffled snoring and dribbling pumping through their speakers. Thankfully, the wonderful Angie Hart has agreed to be my radio wingman. Hopefully she will keep her notoriously foul-mouth and vicious temper in check because the last thing I need to attend is a fucking Senate enquiry. I jest, of course. She will be funny as hell and bring marvellous tunes to the table so jolly good all round then. Try to tune in if you’re still awake.
UPDATE - The above information, whilst correct at time of publishing, may have changed last minute. I will confirm shortly (for the three of you who give a flying fondle…)
x
Posted by Jess at 4:03 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)January 13, 2007
Farewell, My Darling Fop!
So I’ve been busy. I apologise profusely (YET AGAIN ETC) but you see, I’ve kinda had my hands full.
WHAT’S HAPPENING, JESS? I CARE, TRULY I DO!
Thank you for asking. Alright, here’s the go - my beloved best chum, personal “gay” and manager (who keeps me relevant to my core audience of homosexuals and children, allegedly) Mr William Fop Esq. is leaving the country.
WTF?!
I KNOW! Naturally I’ve tried during the last two weeks to spend as much time as humanly possible with him.
UNDERSTANDABLE!
Lemme tell you a little bit about one of my favourite human beings on the planet.
Will was the first person I met through this blogging caper. Now, before Will came into my world I had absolutely no plans to ever meet anyone from the internet. Making friends with people from the web was something anti-social losers who had no real life associates did. But Will had consistently made me laugh on email and on his extremely brilliant blog so when he moved to Sydney for a couple of months back in late-2004 and admitted he was finding it a bit hard, I figured “What the hell? I’ll meet him for coffee. What is there to be afraid of?”
And so on a breezy October evening, Will and I made a date to meet in the city. Being mildly concerned that he’d be an axe-wielding psychopath who regularly feigned a passion for the Minogues in order to lure vulnerable young lasses for skim lattes with a side of sexual assault, I hid behind a pillar near our designated meeting spot and waited to see just who arrived.
Cut to the arrival of a handsome young man wearing a beret and an extremely colour co-ordinated outfit. I sauntered over, we introduced ourselves - and fell immediately in love.
Before too long we found ourselves constantly on the phone to each other between the hours of nine to five when we should have been working. It was Will who clutched me by the arm back when I was feeling lost and confused and hated my office job and told me he believed I could do radio or writing or whatever the hell it is I wanted to do. It was Will who recommended me to the lovely Jo and Cam from 2SER and hooked up the weekly appearance on their Wednesday Breakfast show. It was Will who - along with people like Ms Fits, Fluffy, Genny B, Sugar & Hotman, Dirty Derek, Matty B, and countless others - showed me around Melbourne when I was visiting in mid-2005 and made it feel so much like home for me that I decided to move here. It was Will who went to check out apartments for me whilst I packed up my life in Sydney. And it was Will who would call and check on me all the time when I first got here to make sure I wasn’t having a nervous breakdown/was aware of the latest Girls Aloud gossip.
And since moving down here, I’ve been rather up and down - and all the while, there was Will. Making me laugh, talking me through various turmoils, buying me lunch and coffees and visiting my crack den of a barn with a copy of Madonna’s “I’m Going To Tell You A Secret” DVD for our viewing pleasure.
Now he’s leaving to be an amazing success in London so if you don’t mind, I’m making the most of my beloved chum - he’s leaving on Tuesday, for fucks sake. He’s living with me until then, and god love him - he arrived yesterday with suitcases and a giant sack of “presents” for me. Wanna know what he’s given me?
- Two books of late Seventies radical feminist literature.
- One book documenting the scandals and gossip behind the gay male porn scene.
- Several copies of Attitude magazine, The Face, Gay Times and DNA. And a 1993 Q Magazine! I LIVE FOR OLD COPIES OF Q MAGAZINE!
- Green tea.
- Half a box of Omo.
- Half a litre of Croatian plum brandy.
- Blank CDs.
- Soy milk.
- Personal warming lubricant.
- Assorted condoms.
- Dishwashing liquid.
- Valium.
- A bong.
- Swedish biscuits.
- A 2007 Diary - in Swedish.
- The Young Divas album.
- And other assorted delights.
How could I do anything other than adore the man?
Will - you’ve been the most amazing friend to me and I absolutely love you to fucking bits. You’ve had faith in me and propped me up when I had no confidence whatsoever, and I wouldn’t be half the person I am today - or half as happy with my life - if you hadn’t entered my world. I will miss you more than you will ever know. Thank you for everything… and here’s to our future turkey baster baby.
x
Posted by Jess at 1:23 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)January 10, 2007
Trivia At The Corner Returns!
IF YOU ARE A MELBOURNITE, THE FOLLOWING WILL BE RELEVANT. OTHERWISE, HOLD ON AND I’LL BE BACK SOON WITH SOME EXCLUSIVE DANCING WITH THE STARS GOSSIP.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to announce the glorious return of Rock & Pop Culture Trivia to one of Melbourne’s finest establishments - the world famous and rather sultry Corner Hotel in Richmond!
Dave the Scot and Jess “Red Bull” Ausculture have spent the past two weeks literally (LITERALLY!) soaking in as much knowledge as they can to ensure their respective brains are absolutely chock-a-mother-chucking-block full of new and intriguing quizzical bits.
Dave the Scot went on a No Doze bender for eleven days straight and watched every English language movie released between the years 1989 and 1991. Viewing Thelma & Louise and following it on directly with Fried Green Tomatoes left the man a blubbering mess (but claiming he has a “new respect” for the beauty and strength that can come from the friendship and love of two formidable “womyn”) but that’s a story for another day.
Jess had the delightful image of Britney’s “baby-factory” appearing mid-limo exit tattooed on her buttocks and created an entirely new wardrobe through cutting and pasting together numerous old NW Magazine, although an unfortunate incident with a pyromaniacal homeless man on Smith St means she’ll probably end up wearing The Blue Polka-Dot Dress TM this evening.
IN SHORT.
We’re pumped and ready to rock.
WHAT: Three rounds of trivia - the first is Film & TV, the second is Music and the third is Trash Culture (unofficially sponsored by NW Magazine).
WHEN: Tonight - and every Wednesday night following - from 7:30pm.
WHERE: The Corner Hotel, Swan Street in Richmond. We’re upstairs in the charming and breezy Rooftop Bar.
WHY: Because we asked you nicely! Did we mention you are quite pretty/handsome/other? Plus you can win jugs of beer through out the night, not to mention jugs, wine and slabs of beer if you finish in the Top Three teams. BOOYAH!
ANYTHING ELSE: No, I don’t think so. Why, you gonna tell me how to do my job? ARE YOU?
NO: Well, good then.
FINE: Fine.
I’M GOING: To trivia?
YES: Lovely.
x
Posted by Jess at 1:53 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)January 9, 2007
Thanks, Ma!
Here’s a touching quote to be read out at Shiloh Jolie-Pitt’s eighteenth birthday, no doubt.
“I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they’re survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her…I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this…Yes, a blob! But now she’s starting to have a personality…I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.”
God love her.
Posted by Jess at 1:34 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)January 3, 2007
BLOGGERS ELOPE!
Oh my GOD! And a WOOT WOOT YAY YAY ETC!
Congratulations must go out to lovely bloggers MSKP and TOBYToby who eloped on New Years Eve.
Well done, you crazy kids. Brings a tear to my hazel eye, it does. And considering they met at The East Brunswick Club trivia evening and I can clearly recall the sparks flying that very night, I can’t help but feel personally responsible for the two of ‘em finding eternal love and happiness in each other’s arms. Heh.
Bravo! 2007 is already fucking caning it when it comes to good news, as far as I’m concerned.
x
Posted by Jess at 2:18 PM Link | Comments (3)Oh, And The Latest Britney News?
Seems she and Paris have “broken up”.
PLEASE GET TOGETHER WITH CATHY DENNIS AND MAX MARTIN AND RECORD AN AMAZING POP SONG QUICK STICKS, YOUNG LADY! AND STOP THIS “NEWFOUND FREEDOM” MALARKY BECAUSE WE’VE ALL SEEN YOUR LOVE-FLAPS AND IT DIDN’T MAKE US FEEL NICE.
I’m obviously talking to Britney here as no one - no one - would ever demand Paris Hilton step foot inside a recording studio again.
Oh, and Britney?
I also found myself rather “tired” on New Years Eve. Bottoms up!
Posted by Jess at 1:34 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Vale Justin Hawkins (Or At The Very Least, His Dignity)
Oh, who am I kidding? Any rocker who prances around like this in a video clip is clearly someone without shame and goddamn it, it’s a quality I’ve always admired in the man.
Regardless, the news that the ex-Darkness frontman may well be entering the Celebrity Big Brother house in the UK worries me a little. Perhaps his stint in The Priory led to a newfound love of twenty-four hour supervision?
In any case, if News Of The World are to be believed (and my friends, the stories they publish are always to be believed… until a week later when talk of libel leads to them to make a grovelling apology), Paul Michael-Glaser aka Starsky and Jermaine Jackson will also be joining the falsetto-belting jumpsuit-loving Hawkins on the show.
This could be rather amazing, folks. Thank fuck for YouTube.
Posted by Jess at 1:21 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Get In Line, Ladies.
Even though Justin Timberlake’s popularity has hit an all-time high thanks to the absolute genius of his recent Saturday Night Live appearance, rumours abound that even a lovingly placed dick in a box wasn’t enough to keep a lady like Cameron Diaz happy over the festive season.
This Christmas season, Justin Timberlake spent his holiday at home in Tennessee, surrounded by his close-knit family, including mom (and one-time manager) Lynn, stepfather Paul Harless and his two younger half-brothers. Cameron Diaz, his girlfriend since 2003, went skiing in Vail, Colo., staying at the Vail Mountain Resort & Spa, with her family. Separate vacations? At this time of year? What’s the reason? Sources say the glamorous duo, who have gone on many vacations together in the past, went their separate ways after Justin decided that his days with Cam were numbered. And on Dec. 23, as he partied with friends in Senses nightclub in Memphis, a source says Justin told fellow revelers: “Me and Cameron? We’re done.”
Could it be true? As someone who shamelessly saunters the streets of Melbourne wearing an Official Justified 2004 Australian Tour satchel, I do hope so. Jessie Timberlake has a certain ring to it, if you ask me.
Posted by Jess at 1:10 PM Link | TrackBack (0)January 2, 2007
Happy New Year!
And welcome back to the world of ausculture.com. Of course, I’m saying that more for my benefit than yours but nonetheless, it feels good to be sitting in front of this familiar blog entry screen and shooting the shit with y’all.
Thank you to those out there who continue visiting every day to see if I’ve gotten off my arse to bring this blog back to life. Thank you to those who have emailed and give a flying fuckeroo as to what’s been happening. It all means a lot, swears.
My New Years resolution (amongst others) is to go back to updating this thing daily and with a love that dare not speak its name - or something along those lines. Exciting! Still internerdless at home but a daily trek to the wireless cafe is part of my game plan so expect a return to the days of old. If I can remember how to write.
I know I’ve been missing since early November but I’ve been getting my head together which is nice, don’t you think? I’ve been penning ridiculous (BUT CUTE) articles for 64 Magazine when I get a moment, and grabbing bits and pieces of paid work wherever I can. Huzzah!
The other big thing worth mentioning (as it’s kept us busy, what with learning how to use the studio and hours of defamation/libel training - they know us well) is that Clem and I have been doing some late night summer fill ins for Triple J whilst we’re on a break from RRR. We’ve already done two shows, wowing truck drivers and road trippers across the nation, and we’ve got two more to go. You can listen to us make fun of emo and generally act like loose cannons on the national “yoof” broadcaster late Saturday nights (or 1am Sunday mornings, depending on your perspective/location) on JJJ. Marvel at our Red Bull-fuelled enthusiasm in the first two hours! Listen to how delirious and mental we are by the time the sun has come up! Truly riveting radio, to be sure.
Let’s meet back here tomorrow and get on with the VERY important job of dissecting the news of the world (top of the list being Britney, I’ve no doubt). Thanks for sticking around. Much festive season love.
x
Posted by Jess at 5:18 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)November 6, 2006
Where Does The Time Go?
Goodness me!
For those of you who don’t know, our merry household has pulled up stumps and left the latte supping confines of North Fitzroy and we’re now in some swish motherchucking digs in Carlton where we plan to keep it extremely “real” with a newfound dash of class. I am no longer living in a Barn and actually sleep inside a house! As you can imagine, having bathroom privileges is incredibly exciting.
Sadly our new pad (we’re yet to come up with a nickname for it, all suggestions welcome - EXCEPT “THE HOUSE OF WANKERS”, MUM! I TOLD YOU THAT JOKE WASN’T FUNNY!) is sans internet connection, hence the weeklong silence. Oh, and I’ve also been distracted over the past fortnight due to being wooed by Rupert Murdoch, or so I read in Crikey. It’s true, I spent some time with Rupert at his place in New York and I’ve gotta say, he’s not so bad when you get to know him. Although the wandering hands and cries of “It’s gin o’clock!” at 11am get a bit old after a while.
MOVING SWIFTLY ALONG.
Reese and Ryan, eh? I’d always hoped they’d prove the gossip mags wrong but there you go. And was he slipping one into Abbie Cornish? COULD ABBIE AND RYAN BE THE SAFEWAYS VERSION OF BRAN AND ANGELINA?
Doogie Howser MD is “a gay”. Well, he has been looking far more attractive to me over the past few years. That ought to explain it. THIS ATTRACTION TO THE HOMOSEXUALS IS WHY I AM DESTINED TO BE ALONE FOREVER, PEOPLE. We are unable to confirm reports that having to rub Whoopi Goldberg’s feet in the movie “Clara’s Heart” at age fifteen was the final nail in the coffin of his heterosexuality.
Warning - I’m about to get all literary on yo asses…
When did Kylie Minogue become Burma Jones from A Confederacy Of Dunces? “We’re on tour again, whoa!” said Our Kyles as she touched down in Sydney Airport. If her Showgirl tour includes a scene where Kylie is undressed by a bird, I’m contacting John Kennedy Toole’s estate and insisting they launch legal action immediately.
And this is just a DISGRACE. Honestly, “I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker” makes me feel violent. Please read the brilliant Popjustice’s thoughts on Sandi Thom right now, thank you muchly.
Well, I’ve wasted as much time as I can in this here internerd cafe. Time for me to go and have a late lunch with The Packers. Back soon, delightful people. And I’m a-saving my pennies so the new house can get a wireless connection so regular posting will eventually be back. Email jessculture at gmail.com if you want to send me a thousand dollars or something nice like that so I can hook up some sweet internet access or just buy a new iPod. MINE IS BROKEN AND NOW SO IS MY HEART.
Posted by Jess at 1:07 PM Link | Comments (31) | TrackBack (0)October 24, 2006
Headline Of The Morning…
Madonna Starting To Really Regret Not Having Chosen The Less Cute Orphan With No Living Parents
Thank you Defamer!
Posted by Jess at 9:38 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Jesus or Alan Jones?
Alan Jones’s boss, 2GB program director John Brennan, has stepped up to defend his star shock-jock.
In an angry letter to the Fairfax press, which published excerpts of the biography, Mr Brennan likened Jones’s treatment to that meted out to Jesus.
“There are remorseless attacks on this man by his critics,” he wrote.
“He reminds me of another man some 2000 years ago who had the worst interpretations put upon his kindest actions, yet he went on.”
Because there’s one thing Alan Jones’s ego needs, and that’s a comparison to the Messiah. Nonetheless, I’m sure John Brennan and yours truly aren’t the only ones out there who find Jesus H. Christ Esq and Alan Jones freakishly similar… Here are just three ways in which the two men are alike.
Example #1
Alan Jones used to coach the Wallabies and Jeebus was also quite partial to rugby! In fact, I believe Our Lord once said “Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action and the occasional line-out.”
Example #2
Jesus wanted to be a “fisher of men”. Coincidentally enough, Alan Jones has had a bit of experience fishing for men too!
(regarding Australian citizens who had recently fled Lebanon’s war zone and arrived in NSW to be given special assistance from Centrelink “in the form of advice… on how to access welfare and housing benefits” and “Centrelink, a bastion of multicultural subservience, had provided the refugees with written advice in Arabic”)
THE JESUS RECKONS:
“Then the King will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, O blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’
Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see thee hungry and feed thee, or thirsty and give thee drink? And when did we see thee a stranger and welcome thee, or naked and clothe thee? And when did we see thee sick or in prison and visit thee?’
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.’”
THE PARROT’S THOUGHTS:
Iemma: They are Australian citizens.
Jones: Premier, why should they have priority?
Iemma: Alan, the advice that I’ve got is that …
Jones (interjecting): They’re lying to you.
Iemma: …they get assessed against a criteria that every one else gets assessed …
Jones (interjecting): But why do they get priority?
Iemma: Only if they qualify. For example, if the …
Jones (interjecting): No, no, no, no…
Jones “For people in Arabic, for Muslim people, presumably, well, up goes the white flag and we fall and prostrate ourselves to assist these people.”
FINAL VERDICT: The Jesus and Alan Jones are pretty much the same person, and The Big Dude Upstairs In The Sky is no doubt thoroughly chuffed that the sole product of his Holy-invisible-but-nevertheless-potent-sperm his only son is being compared to a spiteful, arrogant little man who has made his large fortune through manipulating the fears of the suburban blue-rinse set and smoking corporate cock.
Though honestly? The story of Alan Jones is really quite a sad one. If he wasn’t so abhorrent and hypocritical and just plain tiresome, I’d feel awfully sorry for him having spent years hiding who he truly is from the braying pack of morons who make up his core audience. But I suppose he felt he had little choice in the matter. After all, he’s spent years training his listeners to hate and resent anyone who happens to be a bit different to them.
Posted by Jess at 7:11 AM Link | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)October 23, 2006
Celebrity Sooks - Part One In A Series
#1 - The Entire Cast Of The Biggest Loser
Jesus Christ. Have any of you been watching this program? Nothing but tears as far as the eye can see. If you were to play some sort of drinking game, skolling a beer every time someone dissolves into a blubbering mess on the program, you would eventually be as liquored up as James Mathison during an Australian Idol verdict show by the time the credits began to roll*. Even Kim the Trainer had a sob this evening!
VERDICT: Cart ‘em all off in a giant WAH-mbulance to Sook City, please.
PS: I really miss the insanely passionate Jillian. But I’ve heard rumours of her being involved in some sort of new show with a contestant from last year’s Australian version of The Biggest Loser so there is hope.
PPS: Bob the Trainer? Yeah, I’d hit it.
*In my honest opinion. I’ve been reading about libel laws, y’all!
Posted by Jess at 9:59 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)October 17, 2006
EG Music Awards
Hey guys, there’s something you can vote for - and I know y’all love voting! The inaugural EG music awards celebration is on next Friday night and it’ll be celebrating the best Australian music of the last twenty one years. Delightful, non?
You can vote in the various categories by heading here. And here are a few of our faves for some of the individual categories in case you’re in a mood to do exactly what I command of you and vote for whatever the hell it is we throw our idiotic heart behind. Which’d make me happy on a bit of a bleurgh day, really.
Best Album: I’m torn between Crowded House’s Woodface and You Am I’s Hourly Daily, although truth be told I’d prefer to vote for Sound As Ever as that’s the YAI album which changed my life as a youngster.
Best Song: Berlin Chair by You Am I for the aforementioned reasons related to Sound As Ever.
Best Band: The Go-Betweens or Crowded House, I reckon.
Best Male Artist: Paul Kelly, although you could vote for Ben Lee and royally piss off every coolsie kid in town - OMGLOLOLOLZROFL.
Best Female Artist: Our pick is Angie Hart - partly because she was wonderful and insane enough to perform a Michael Bolton cover for I’d Rather Jack’s Radiothon show, and partly because she’s sweet as pie and a warbling genius to boot.
Best Newcomer: Hmmm. Stuck between Midnight Juggernaughts and Macromantics, whose song Scorch I’ve recently become incredibly obsessed with. I think it’s because I have absolutely no fucking chance of ever being able to speak that quickly, and my mouth moves at a rapid pace. She also has lovely taste in baseball caps.
You can decide Best Festival and Best Venue in your own time.
GO AND VOTE! GO ON!
And I might see you at the awards ceremony on October 27 if you hurry up and snaffle tickets. I have heard rumours regarding an international guest WHO IS SO FECKIN HILARIOUS BRILLIANT THAT I WILL LITERALLY DIE IF I MISS SEEING ‘EM PERFORM.
This One Goes Out To La Nadine.
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
x
(via b3ta)
Posted by Jess at 9:58 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Peter Andre & Jordan Duet!
WHAT A WAY TO KICK OFF TUESDAY!
I’ve felt a lot of love for our greatest pop export ever Kylie Peter Andre since the early days of ausculture.com. In fact, long-time readers may even recall our fascination with the then-blossoming relationship between Pete and glamour model Jordan when the pair were appearing on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here in the UK.
Yes, we bloody love Peter’n’Jordan and their unbelievable tackiness.
So… Sydney Confidential, if this story is for reals, then I am officially building a bridge and getting over our past troubles. I bow down and worship you lot for putting the following online.
Be warned: Peter Andre and Jordan’s appalling new duet is four minutes and twenty-two seconds you will never get back.
A recording of the Australian singer and his ultra-tanned bimbo wife singing the song “A Whole New World” has been doing the industry email rounds in recent days.
Apparently set to end up on a Christmas covers album in the UK, the tabloid couple ramble tragically through the song they danced to at their wedding last year.
Peter Andre & Jordan - “A Whole New World”
(right click and save)
BEST. RENDITION. EVER.
UPDATE - STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES!
MichaelK from DListed informed me of the existence of a YouTube video. It makes my heart swell.
Of course, she sounds much better in the YouTube video compared to the mp3 but still. You can revel in their matching white suit magnetism and perhaps save your ears from the bleeding pain of those particularly off notes.
Posted by Jess at 8:11 AM Link | Comments (26) | TrackBack (0)Attention Rogue Traders!
The Interweb (TM) has somehow resulted in me stumbling across the French version of you, except sans the Pump It Up thievery. Klanguage? It may be the caffeine but I think you are FABULOUS.
Do you enjoy our attractive Gallic pop? Wahey!
Download the track which made me think “BASSINGTHWAIGHTE - BUT GOOD” by right clicking and saving here.
Fluxblog, you’ve done it again.
PS: I don’t actually loathe Rogue Traders, a bold statement which may mean I am stabbed on the streets of coolsie Melbourne tomorrow (BY MY OWN FRIENDS) but fuck it. I can’t defend Phil Collins to the death and then act all coy about finding Izzy Hoyland’s hot pants donning, vocoder happy performances somewhat charming in a ridiculous way.
PPS: Another coffee? DON’T MIND IF I DO!
PPPS: (clutches chest as palpitations begin)
Posted by Jess at 7:58 AM Link | TrackBack (0)Poor Lindsay Lohan…
One minute you’re innocently wandering up the red carpet in a stupor, graciously signing all sorts of things for “the fans”, and the next you realise you’re hastily scribbling your name on a court summons requesting you to testify in a fraud case against your mother.
On the upside, at least she gets to bring SapphicBack with Keira Knightley in her new flick. And let’s face it, there are worse things in this world to get paid for. Who knows, perhaps Lindsay’ll be so excited by the opportunity to fingerbang Keira on screen that she’ll actually turn up to work from time to time!
PS: I fucking heart Lindsay Lohan to bits so know that no matter what I say, I say it with love.
PPS: Dudes, I’m totally blogging again! It was gone with the wind, but it’s all coming back to me now… now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go and listen to Celine Dion.
Posted by Jess at 7:22 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Contact Details Update.
Since ausculture.com email is developmentally challenged at best, fingerpainting with its own poo at worst, I have created a rather simple Gmail account for people to email me should they feel like it. Which is pleasant, non?
jessculture at gmail.com is the place to send all threats, promises of cash and marriage proposals. Apologies if you’ve emailed any of the other contact email addresses round these parts over… oh, the past two years? We get thousands of spam emails a day and I have a sneaking suspicion that my furious culling of Cialis offers from my inbox may have resulted in a few legitimate emails being sacrificed. Is this what they mean by collateral damage? I don’t know. My head hurts and I need to get a few hours sleep before meeting my beloved Will Fop for cuddles, coffee and career advice.
Posted by Jess at 7:20 AM Link | TrackBack (0)October 16, 2006
I Has A Meme.
Again, I don’t normally do memes but I have been tagged by dear housemate Born Dancin’ and I simply cannot say no to the man. So do skip this if you don’t give a flying fuck about pop culture bloggers rambling on about themselves.
My earliest memory is… wandering as a toddler along white beaches in South East Asia somewhere.
At high school I… taught myself how to adapt to many different social situations.
My first relationship was… with a beautiful young man who actually made me gasp with delight the first time I laid eyes on him. Six months later (considered a long term relationship in Year Nine) it was all over, but I’ll always have a soft spot for him. Oh Dan Fabbro, where are you now? Probably married. But I’ll always treasure memories of our lusty goodbye pashes before we dashed home to watch Degrassi Junior High after school.
I wish I’d never worn… a small kiddy’s kangaroo costume when I was fourteen. I also wish I hadn’t let my bestie Hayley take photos of the occasion as to this day she still threatens to post said pics on the interwebs. IF YOU DO I WILL STAB YOU, WOMAN.
My mother told me… a disturbing and bawdy rhyme about cock sizes when I was sixteen. In front of my friends. Something about the motion of the ocean, I believe.
I wish I had… enough money to keep myself, my family and my dear friends happy. Want to write a book? TAKE SOME CASH! Need funds for the album? CONSIDER THIS A GIFT! Wanna go on holidays? I NOW OWN A BEACH SHACK ON THE MORNINGTON PENINSULA!
My most humiliating moment was… when I dropped a trophy on my head during an end of year awards ceremony at my school. Happily for me, this event was captured on video. Hilarious footage, apparently. The very next evening I ran into a glass door at an eighteenth birthday party and ended up flat on my back. THIS WAS, NO SHIT, ALSO CAPTURED ON VIDEO.
At home I cook… very rarely. This is because Bjorn Dancin’ is king of the kitchen and his vegetarian dishes (HOW MAGICAL IS TVP?!) are to die for. And when I feel like meat? My beloved Housemate Nat (of Deal Or No Deal fame) can create the most divine risottos and pasta dishes even when it looks as though the cupboard and fridge is bare. But when I do actually attempt to cook, it usually involves vegetables and tuna. Simple but nutritious or so I hear.
My last meal would be… oh god. Perhaps I Carusi dessert pizza? IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE THE LAST DELICIOUS MOUTHFUL OF WHITE CHOCOLATE. We’re taking The Hot Photogroper and Elmo Charlie Crowe there for tea in November so perhaps I’ll try and hold off on dying until then.
I’m very bad at… looking after my finances. And keeping my heart in check. It really needs to buck up and be more sensible.
When I was a child… running in the night, afraid of what might be. I had blonde ringlets and blue eyes and spoke fluent Indonesian.
The book that changed my life is… probably To Kill A Mockingbird. No, wait. Barrel Fever by David Sedaris. NO WAIT, A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES! I can’t decide. Anyway, it was probably a Babysitters Club book.
It’s not fashionable, but I love… Invisible Touch by Phil Collins. This led to the mother of all verbal fisticuffs at The East the other week when some wanker began declaring you couldn’t like Invisible Touch and also enjoy the various works of John Lennon. He then spouted off as his favourite bands about seven no name groups (probably various monikers belonging to his one man bedroom angst-fest musical ensemble) as ESSENTIAL LISTENING IF YOU TRULY LOVE MUSIC and generally behaved like a mammoth cock. The evening ended several Jager shots later with me carrying my beloved partner in crime out of the pub over my shoulder whilst she shook her fist and screamed “ROT IN HELL, CUNT!” at the Phil Collins playa hater, and then blew raspberries against the window at him from outside. Genius.
Friends say I am… ummm. I don’t know. I talk a lot? I make bad jokes? I am cheerful and friendly but underneath I am a tortured soul with many, many feelings. This can get boring and when it does, I do my patented double-blow-job-mime and things go back to normal.
The song I’d like played at my funeral is… “Rush” by Big Audio Dynamite. Maybe.
If only I could… was quite the catchy hit for Wendy Matthews.
The last big belly laugh I had was… last night whilst working. A chick rock singer was on stage performing and I texted Fluffy describing the sound as “Transvision Vamp raping James Blunt”. This was too tempting for Fluffois to miss out on so she rushed to my workplace and sat outside listening with me. Suddenly, the clit-rock bonanza paused between songs and I said to Fluffy “Shhh, shhh… I bet she’s going to say some sort of AMAZINGLY HILARIOUS cliched phrase!” and almost as though I had scripted the entire evening for my own amusement, we heard her yell into the mic “THANK YOU CLEVELAND!” and I quite literally fell to the floor, rocking back and forth, and laughed til I wept blood.
What I don’t find amusing is… cruel humour. It ain’t big, it ain’t clever. There are a million ways to call someone fat or ugly, but if you can be witty and bang together a sentence which succinctly describes why an individuals ideas or behaviour is abhorrent and\or ridiculous and still be funny? You have my eternal respect.
I’m always being asked… But what is it that you actually do?
If I wasn’t me… then the last twenty five years have been very confusing.
At the moment I’m listening to… The Drones’ “I Looked Down The Line And I Wondered.” “I looked down the line and I wondered how all things would come to be. I stood staring with my best intentions - the worst impulses, old companions we…”
My favourite work of art is… probably by Mark Rothko. When I lived in London in 2000, I had no money (FAMILIAR!) but used to scrape enough pennies together to get a ticket on the Tube to the Tate Modern, where I’d sit in a room gazing at his work, listening to my Walkman and daydreaming about home.
If I were a car I’d be… a total bomb - but one with character.
I often wonder… what the hell is going to happen during my next year in Melbourne. It’s scary but sort of exciting having no plans whatsoever.
FIN.
Posted by Jess at 7:40 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Is It Ever Okay To Nag?
GOOD QUESTION, SAM IN THE CITY!
U WILL NEVA KEEP A MAN IF UR ALWAYS GOIN ON BOUT HIS DRINKIN AN GAMBLIN AN STUFF LOLOLOLOLOL DATS WOT I SAY AN IF I KEEP ON FOLLOWIN “THE RULES” AND WATCHIN FOOTBALL AN COOKIN STUFF DEN I REKON I WILL GET A MAN AN LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE!
V. GUD!
FANKS 4 ADDRESSIN DA BIG ISSUEZ!
Posted by Jess at 6:21 PM Link | TrackBack (0)HEY THERE LONELY MELBOURNE LADIES! FANCY AN ITCHY BURNING SENSATION IN YOUR PANTS REGION?
Good news then, for the eligible Carter lads are heading Down Under - in every sense!
A chance to “hit it” with bachelors of such fine standing is almost enough to make me shell out the big bucks for a Cup Day hat.
Posted by Jess at 6:08 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Some Monday Morning Bits And Pieces.
If you only read one article today which makes you throw up a little in your mouth and soul, make sure it’s this one. Any story which kicks off with a line like “Fisher Island millionaire Bruce McMahan loved his daughter so much, he married her.” has my full traumatised attention.
Yes, her showbiz savvy ways worry me too. I’m Team BobBob, myself.
We haven’t had Celine Dion Appreciation Day around here yet, have we? I have vague recollections of promising such a THRILLING event not all that long ago. Could today be the day? Possibly, folks. I appear to be both awake and blogging so the odds are good.
Lily Allen has recorded a cover of a Keane song. While that might sound like a recipe for disaster, I actually enjoy it VERY MUCH so there you go. Download it from Stereogum.
Bugger it. While you’re over there - if you haven’t done so yet - get your paws on this mp3 of Ryan Adams being a comedic genius. Rapping about how crap the reviews of his last records have been? Nonsense references to witches? Shouting out “2003” for no reason? KEVIN BACON WHAT THE FUCK? There’s a reason I’d Rather Jack got so motherchucking obsessive about it two weeks ago.
Those of you desperately wishing to start your Monday by ogling Matthew McConoughey’s wet crotch can look no further - here are some nice pics for you. We’re all revolting people, I can accept that.
Angelina Jolie ain’t happy with the way our government has treated refugees. WHICH MEANS WE HAVE EVEN MORE IN COMMON THAN WE FIRST THOUGHT, ANGE! Wait, is it wrong to use a serious issue I actually feel strongly about to try and woo Angelina Jolie Circa The Movie Gia into being my wife (removal of discriminatory laws pending)? Whatevs.
Many of you will have already seen this footage of Gareth Liddiard from The Drones performing an acoustic rendition of Shark Fin Blues, but just in case you haven’t… Swoon etc.
If you only read one article today which makes you throw up a little in your mouth and soul, make sure it’s this one. Any story which kicks off with a line like “Fisher Island millionaire Bruce McMahan loved his daughter so much, he married her.” has my full traumatised attention.
Yes, her showbiz savvy ways worry me too. I’m Team BobBob, myself.
We haven’t had Celine Dion Appreciation Day around here yet, have we? I have vague recollections of promising such a THRILLING event not all that long ago. Could today be the day? Possibly, folks. I appear to be both awake and blogging so the odds are good.
Lily Allen has recorded a cover of a Keane song. While that might sound like a recipe for disaster, I actually enjoy it VERY MUCH so there you go. Download it from Stereogum.
Bugger it. While you’re over there - if you haven’t done so yet - get your paws on this mp3 of Ryan Adams being a comedic genius. Rapping about how crap the reviews of his last records have been? Nonsense references to witches? Shouting out “2003” for no reason? KEVIN BACON WHAT THE FUCK? There’s a reason I’d Rather Jack got so motherchucking obsessive about it two weeks ago.
Those of you desperately wishing to start your Monday by ogling Matthew McConoughey’s wet crotch can look no further - here are some nice pics for you. We’re all revolting people, I can accept that.
Angelina Jolie ain’t happy with the way our government has treated refugees. WHICH MEANS WE HAVE EVEN MORE IN COMMON THAN WE FIRST THOUGHT, ANGE! Wait, is it wrong to use a serious issue I actually feel strongly about to try and woo Angelina Jolie Circa The Movie Gia into being my wife (removal of discriminatory laws pending)? Whatevs.
Many of you will have already seen this footage of Gareth Liddiard from The Drones performing an acoustic rendition of Shark Fin Blues, but just in case you haven’t… Swoon etc.
I think I might go and see Dan Zanes whilst he’s in Melbourne. Who’s keen? BRING THE KIDDIES AND A THERMOS FULL OF HOT CHOCOLATE, PLEASE!
Melbourne folk should definitely come down to trivia at The East tomorrow night. Bring yer friends! Bring yer workmates! Georgie’s taking a couple of weeks off which means I shall be solo and sober and desperate for conversation so the more of you the better. Afterwards we can cuddle.
That’s enough to kick Monday off with, surely? Celine Dion Madness possibly coming soon - and I’m even contemplating doing a second meme thingo! You guys care about me and my feelings and shit, right? Right? Hey, where’d you all go? COME BACK.
ROFLWAFFLES.
October 13, 2006
Ausculture Publishing Brings You The First In A Series Of Crime Fiction Novels
#1 - Peter Costello & The Mysterious Invisible Cock
I am so, so sorry. I’ll stop my childish blogging now, swears.
Posted by Jess at 6:36 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)The Best Spoken Word Piece You’ll Ever See.
Okay, I’ve been a really shit blogger - but a really great MySpacer, revelling in the exchange of ridiculous YouTube video links and daft interweb in jokes! But that’s not much help to you is it, beloved readers of ausculture.com?
So now it’s time for me to bang online a few of the things I’ve been enjoying privately but forgetting to blog about.
Ladies and gentlemen? Please meet Precious Taft.
“That was beautiful, Precious…” ??
IT WAS NOT BEAUTIFUL, SIR - IT WAS SPINE-CHILLING AND I THINK I’VE SOILED MYSELF.
Posted by Jess at 6:19 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Man, You’re Weak… Weak… Weak… Weak… Weak!
If you haven’t seen it already, ladies and gentlemen… Kevin Federline’s acting debut on CSI has been posted below for your viewing pleasure. He is as skilled a thespian as he is a rapper, and you should worship him accordingly.
Posted by Jess at 6:16 PM Link | TrackBack (0)How Could You Not Believe Him?! Look At That Punim!
Personally, I am right the fuck behind Floyd Landis.
I mean, seriously. Check out that mug. Not since I first spied images of an immaculately plucked Schappelle Corby gracing the front pages of our nation’s tabloids have I seen such faith-inspiring cranial features. Has there ever been a more honest and trustworthy face in the world of sport? No, says I. And I’d also like to take a moment to salute theage.com.au for such a marvellous choice of photograph. Kudos!
Posted by Jess at 3:57 PM Link | TrackBack (0)October 11, 2006
If You Want To Watch Someone Dying On Live Television…
… switch to Channel Ten right now and watch Andrew G on Thank God You’re Here.
Och aye, it hurts so.
But his hair is still very, very pretty.
Posted by Jess at 7:59 PM Link | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0)October 10, 2006
It’s Nice Being Home To Catch The Channel Ten News…
Sandra Sully: This just in - the United States and Japan have agreed to take action against North Korea, although they’re yet to confirm what that action will be. (slight pause) Coming up - Mick Molloy’s latest movie - will it be as good as his last blockbuster?
(cut to footage of five grown men jumping around in white suits singing “But I am sensitive to your SPECIAL TIME OF THE MONTH! SPECIAL TIME OF THE MONTH!”)
Posted by Jess at 1:04 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)IM IN UR NEWZ LTD EATING UR INDIE CREDABILITY!!11!
Kurt Sovainne. DON’T expect any favours from me. As a REAL musician, it’s my personal mission to bring this reality series to its knees.
Well, as long as you’re not getting paid to write about the show because you like it. Viva La Keepin’ It Real ‘N’ Alternative Stylez!
Go read Scott instead, seriously. And yes, I am currently trying to woo Scott through constant linkage. That he consistently makes me ROFLWAFFLES* with his commentary is a happy coincidence.
*(hat tip to Fluffy for sending me this picture and thus adding ROFLWAFFLES to my pub banter vocabulary. O RLY? YA RLY. Oh internet vernacular, you make me chuckle so.)
Yes, we’re all going to hell.
Posted by Jess at 12:15 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)October 5, 2006
Remember When We Updated This Place?
Well, those times will be returning before you know it as the free wireless internerd has reappeared in the house which means no more trips up to Brunswick Street The Street That Dare Not Speak Its Name in order to leech free wireless from various cafes.
Holiday was good, thanks for asking, but I’ve been busy doing various “things” for the last few days and haven’t had time to scratch myself (on my sunburnt leg) let alone blog. But things should go back to pre-laziness normality quite shortly. In the meantime, can you recall the following good times we had together?
- Turkeyslapgate!
- The Queen’s Thoughts On The Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony!
- Big Brother 2006 Launch Wrap Up!
- John Howard’s Guide To The Witty Riposte!
- The Kiwi Brokeback Mountain!
- Motherfucking KENNY, anyone?
- Kate De Araugo’s Murderous Press Release!
- Discussing Dancing With The Stars With A Melbourne Cabbie!
DON’T STOP BELIEVING, AS JOURNEY ONCE SO APTLY PUT IT!
Back soon x
Posted by Jess at 3:56 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)September 21, 2006
A Pleasant Interaction On Brunswick Street - Thursday, 3:04pm EST
(A girl walks past a long haired man sitting at a cafe table outside. Here is their conversation lovingly transcribed word for word by yours truly)
Man: (sarcastically) Oh hi there.
Girl: (notices man) Sorry, I didn’t see you. Hi!
Man: (extremely bitter) Yes you did.
Girl: (top of lungs) NO I FUCKEN DIDN’T GET OVER YOURSELF.
Man: EVERYONE’S TOO GOOD TO SAY HELLO TO ME NOW!
Girl: NO I’M FUCKEN NOT, I’M JUST LATE AND STRESSED AND I DIDN’T SEE YOU!
Man: NO ONE IS SAYING HELLO TO ME NOW BECAUSE I’VE GOT A GRAZE ON MY FACE.
Girl: THAT’S BULLSHIT, FUCK OFF, I DIDN’T SEE YOU OR I WOULD HAVE SAID HELLO!
Man: FUCK YOU!
Girl: FUCK YOU!
Man: THIS IS FUCKED!
Girl: I’VE GOTTA GO, I’LL SEE YOU LATER!
Man: YOU’LL SEE ME… IN THE GRAVE!
Girl: GET OVER YOURSELF!
FIN.
In other news, I am about to go away up north with my ma for a week. Considering how dire blogging has been around these parts, it shouldn’t really make too much of a difference to the output on ausculture.com but I thought I’d mention it. Be good, and I’ll see you when I return.
Posted by Jess at 3:05 PM Link | Comments (22) | TrackBack (0)September 19, 2006
So I Caught My First Full Episode Of Australian Idol Last Night…
Was James Mathison shickered? I mean, really… he struck me as someone completely and utterly off his chops. If this is Channel Ten’s new approach with the Idol format, I’m all for it but I really need to know - has he suffered a mild stroke recently or is he hitting the piss before hitting the stage? I wouldn’t judge him. If I had to work with Kyle, Marcia and Mark Holden, I’d probably need to down a bottle of hard liquor before clocking in as well.
Scott To Be Certain remains the best place to head to online for hilarious Idol blogging - the following paragraph making me guffaw loudly on Brunswick Street and led to me being on the receiving end of quite a number of curious looks…
Meanwhile, Lavinia Nixon-Williams in her performance donned a hood to remind us of her roots, then removed it to remind us of her roots. Multi-layered symbolism! Bless.
Genius.
Posted by Jess at 2:40 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)September 18, 2006
This Is My Favourite Song Of The Moment.
I heart M. Ward.
Posted by Jess at 3:56 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Two Delightful Gigs @ The East This Week.
On Tuesday night (ie: TOMORROW), one of my favourite drinking buddies - the sweet as pie Emma Heeney - will be supporting Carus on the third week of his September residency. I give you full permission to skip trivia this week to go see her work her magic, but will have to insist you return to the front bar afterwards to have a beer with me and discuss world affairs in a passionate manner.
If you haven’t made yourself any plans for this Thursday night, dear readers, then try to get yourself along to The East yet again as a GLITTERING ARRAY OF BRILLIANT PEOPLE will be appearing on stage for the launch of “Love Specifics”, the new album from Four Hours Sleep. The record itself is exquisite (and on high rotation in The Barn) and features the vocal stylings of Charles Jenkins, Stephen Cummings, Angie Hart and Paul Kelly. WHO KNOWS WHO WILL TURN UP TO SING ‘LIVE’?! At least one of them, we would hope, although I’ve no doubt the songs would still sound charming if performed as instrumentals. Not something we really need to worry about though as I have it on good authority there’ll be at least two or three warblers attending the evening’s shenanigans.
Posted by Jess at 2:50 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Dave Hill - Still A Comedic Genius.
You may remember that Ausculture interviewed US comedian Dave Hill a little while ago. He’s put another video up on YouTube - do watch it in its entirety, it made me laugh a fair bit.
Posted by Jess at 2:41 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Back For A Day!
Prepare yourself for another blog-frenzy, kids. I’m back on Brunswick Street making the most of the free wireless floating about and trying VERY HARD to give you a few things to read. Of course I’ve managed to miss most of the big stories (Naomi Robson accused of journalism? First time for everything I suppose…) so instead, I shall proffer up an online feast of pointless blogging. But be gentle with me… I went to see The Drones play last night and things got a bit festive. Here’s what I’ve been told\remember about the evening…
- I performed Thom Yorke’s “Harrowdown Hill” a capella in the front bar of The East complete with bung eye impersonation. CLASSY!
- I was sitting at a table of giggling, drink-supping ladies when suddenly - a brief moment where no one was saying anything and all was quiet at the table! This lull in conversation was thankfully broken when one of the gals piped up (seemingly with no prompting whatsoever) “You know, I’ve never gone down on a girl.” INFORMATIVE!
- Wandering around town looking for another place to have one last beverage led my chum Vikki and I to Bar Open on Brunswick Street. It was there we met two travelling French lads who were terribly impressed with my abilty to speak their language.
Me - Is that an accent?
French Boy #1 - Oui! We erh frum zee norss-wess of Frownce…
Me - Ca va?
French Boy #1 - (gleefully) Bien! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah somethingorother blah!
Me - Slow it down, frenchy. I’ve no idea what you’re saying.
I then counted to ten slowly, sang Vanessa Paridis’s “Maxou” and informed them several time in flawless French that I was not wearing a watch. CHARMING!
Vikki gave them a copy of the latest Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males album which was received gratefully but international relations soon broke down.
Vikki - So what bands are you into?
French Boy #2 - Whut?
Vikki - WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE?
French Boy #1 - Loss of deeferen kahns.
Vikki - Do you like Phoenix?
French Boy #2 - Who?
Me - PHOENIX! THAT ALBUM IS AMAZING!
French Boy #2 - Do zay seeng in Frawnch?
Me - No but… but they’re really good!
French Boy #1 - I wood seh zat mah feverate band iz probehblee, erm… Wu Tang? Wu Tang Clan?
Vikki - (scoffing) WU TANG?
French Boy #1 - (incredibly insulted) Yes, I lahk zee Wu Tang! Whut iss wrong wiss zee Wu Tang?
Vikki - Oh, nothing I supppose.
French Boy #1 - ZAY AH MAH FEVERITE!
Me - Okay.
French Boy #2 - We shood probehblee go. Eet wass nice to meet you.
Me - Take care, have a safe trip home.
Vikki - (to French Boy #1) See you later!
French Boy #1 - (scowls) (storms out).
The other people sitting on the couch turned to us and said “Well, that didn’t go well. What happened?” We explained there was a Wu Tang incident. They nodded knowingly and the one who looked like a Hell’s Angel member simply said “Fucken’ French…” to which we all shrugged and nodded. By the time the bar staff walked by and yelled “Bar Open is now closed” and I yelled back “THAT’S JUST BLATANT FALSE ADVERTISING, CHANGE YOUR NAME FOR FUCKS!”, we realised we’d reached a level of sweet obnoxiousness that could not be surpassed and it was time to head home.
FIN.
Posted by Jess at 2:35 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)September 11, 2006
Are You Here For Idol Blogging?
Well, I’m afraid I’ve been working and not caught much of the show. Useless, aren’t I?
I AM SORRY.
However, the handsome Scott To Be Certain is once again delivering the motherchucking goods (ie: LAUGHS) with his Australian Idol wrap ups so I urge you to go and check out his latest post and worship it accordingly.
PS: Dear Scott, I am following up on your email… swears! A suitable reply will come soon. Forgive me!
Posted by Jess at 3:54 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)Destiny’s Child Blooper…
Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child falls over on stage. Genius if only for the fact Beyonce refuses to even acknowledge it (“Bitch please, I am a solo star, I do not NEED to deal with yo skanky ass crack ho self messin’ up my show…”) and the look of sheer disdain from Kelly Rowland. Or as Shanes254 sums up eloquently in the comments -
Jeeze. Yall talkin bout kelly. Beyonce didnt even see. She look but didnt see. OMG. It wuz like did that girl just fall? Oh well, they still love me. Oh and yea Kelly looked like she wuz about to take out her earrings and get some vaseline and razors. Good thing Michelle got back up. Praise the Lord.
ARF!
Posted by Jess at 10:04 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Owner Of A So Called “Dangerous Breed” Of Dog?
Well then you’d best head over to this site and get yourself a poodle disguise kit.
Brilliant.
Posted by Jess at 9:25 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)“Three Things…” aka Jess Does One Of Them Meme Thingos.
1. Three things that scare me
- Ants (This is seriously true. I told my friend Ang about my ant fear the other day and she found it hilarious so I pushed her into traffic to teach her an important lesson about mocking peoples phobias. Ants are awful! They bite you between your toes! Sometimes they bite you in the pants region when you’re just about to pash a boy at a party when you’re thirteen years old! Erm. So I’ve heard.)
- Revealing my fears in a public forum (because if I am ever kidnapped by an insane sicko serial killer, he’s one quick Googlesearch away from knowing exactly how to make me suffer the most.)
- Fashion (This one just came to me as a girl in strange chequered happypants walked by me with a poem written on her back. I dress like a deranged homeless person who stole their torn wardrobe from Savers though, so who am I to judge?)
2. Three People Who Make Me Laugh
- My best friends (let’s pretend they’re all one person because truth be told, I can’t choose between them and they’re all extremely funny and clever buggers).
- Papalazarou
- The genius of Tina Fey.
3. Three Things I Hate The Most
I don’t really “do” hate because I find it boring but…
- My lack of self-discipline.
- Ignorance.
- Neil Young’s music. Although many chums swear they could change this if I only gave them the chance to educate me. I remain sceptical.
4. Three Things I Don’t Understand
- People who actually like - not just vote for, but like - John Howard.
- People who aren’t passionate about music.
- Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to let Danielle from Big Brother release a cover of Underworld’s “Underneath The Radar”.
5. Three Things I’m Doing Right Now
- Typing, obviously.
- Supping a latte on Brunswick Street.
- Shivering.
6. Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die
- Backpack around Europe. And maybe Africa. Possibly Asia. Fuck it, I want to see the world…
- Get a dog.
- God, I don’t know. Not get drunk whilst hosting trivia?
7. Three Things I Can Do
- Play guitar.
- Play Japanese rock-paper-scissors.
- Impersonate Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain.
8. Three Ways To Describe My Personality
- Piscean.
- Ask my friends.
- Because I’m stumped. My first answer may well encapsulate everything.
9. Three Things I Can’t Do
- Save money (but I’m working on it).
- Deal with people being mad or disappointed with me.
- Quit smoking (but I’m working on it).
10. Three Things I Think You Should Listen To
As of today?
- CASSIUS’s “Toop Toop”
- The Triffids’ “Life Of Crime”
- Ratatat’s “Loud Pipes”
11. Three Things You Should Never Listen To
- The haters.
- The neo-conservatives (right on, Nadsy)
- French clairvoyants (I will explain this to you personally one day, swears).
12. Three Things I’d Like To Learn
- Another language.
- Have I mentioned self-discipline?
- Piano.
13. Three Favourite Foods
- The chicken roll thingos at Peko Peko.
- The schnitzel burger at The Corner.
- I Carusi’s dessert pizzas, specifically the white chocolate and pear one followed by the chocolate calzone.
14. Three Beverages I Drink Regularly
- Beer.
- Lattes.
- Various energy drinks. Yes, I am aware I am simply weeks away from dropping dead from a massive coronary.
15. Three Shows I Watched As A Kid
- Secret Valley (I was OBSESSED with this as a wee kidlet, possibly due to the episode where one of the gang bottled a fart in a jar.)
- Neighbours (I still remember the day a young Charlene Ramsay was sprung trying to break into Number 24)
- Dallas (This was when I lived in Indonesia and my parents would receive the entire series on videotape and watch it all in one sitting. Although truth be told, I was more into the theme song than the show itself and would drag my tiny toy piano down the stairs the second I heard the opening strains in order to bang along to it. Then I’d wait back up in my room until I could hear the closing credits and return with aforementioned piano to continue irritating family and friends with my musical interpretation…)
I shall tag no one because I think every man and his dog has done this “meme” - am I right?
Posted by Jess at 9:25 AM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)Extreme Blogging!
READERS!
I am so sorry for my absence. As mentioned before, I have lost the free wireless at home. I’ve also been busy…
- Writing and hosting trivia!
- Eating the bass player from Okkervil River’s spicy curry (not a metaphor)!
- Working every fucking night!
- Catching up with my dear ex father-in-not-actual-law-but-you-know-what-I-mean and regaling him with tales of my new Melbourne life (“Really poor! Not very successful! Marvel at my track marks!” - I jest, of course…)
- Sewing my clothes together!
- Receiving mail from Dr Karl Kennedy! (I am not fucking joking - our correspondence is deeply personal so I will not reproduce it here but rest assured the phrase “banging whores” was used. FOR REALS.)
- Writing stuff for money! (Well, the promise of money…)
- Rubbing holy water from Lourdes onto my seemingly possessed iPod!
- Spreading the gospel of The Veronicas!
I have a few minutes to spare at a cafe with free wireless before I bound off into the sunny streets of Melbourne to get some much needed tasks done before work today, so I am going to go on a blogging frenzy and make many, many posts. One of them will be a meme, which I normally don’t do because you lot don’t give a rat’s arse about me personally - you’re just here for the YouTube videos, Britney Spears commentary and rude words, god love you - but my beloved faux bro Dave the Scot tagged me and I can’t say no to a man with a penchant for kilts.
PS: Thank you all for your emails, I will attend to them as soon as I can. You’re adorable, the lot of ya.
Posted by Jess at 9:25 AM Link | TrackBack (0)September 6, 2006
We Interrupt This Blog-Silence To Bring You… SURI MOTHERFUCKING CRUISE!
She sure looks like Katie, doesn’t she? Well done, Ms Holmes and L Ron Hubbard’s frozen man-broth Mr Cruise!
August 30, 2006
ARGH ETC!
Sorry for disappearing (AGAIN), gang. Various thrilling reasons behind it, but mostly - MOSTLY - the free internet has disappeared from Chezculture and so it is I find myself tapping away wildly at a cafe on Brunswick Street, desperately hoping the battery of my trusty steed (IE LAPTOP) lasts long enough for me to bang something out for you. If anyone wants to sponsor Ausculture and pay for internet access in exchange for… erm, something… do holler. We is paw-yah, yo!
BEST PHOTO EVER (PART ONE)
Seriously, check this out.
My beloveds Genny B and Fluffy went to check out ol’ megaschlong (and Big Brother winner) Jamie when he spent twenty four hours in a Myers store window last week. Look at how in love Gen and Jamie are with each other! JUST LOOK! Gooooodbye Katie!
When I asked Gen if I could post this on ausculture.com, she replied (and I quote) “Go nuts. I LOVE HIM.”
Looks like it’s the real thing, folks!
BEST PHOTO EVER (PART TWO)
Oh Britney, your facial expressions will be the happy death of me, I swears to god.
AND?
Now I must run, lovers. I have to go and meet my dear chum for coffee and chinwags, and besides - I can’t spend ALL afternoon at an internet cafe, CAN I? No. No I can’t.
I shall return as soon as humanly possible.
PS: Tonight’s I’d Rather Jack Top Ten looks like being Summery Songs. HUZZAH FOR FINE WEATHER!
Posted by Jess at 3:48 PM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)August 21, 2006
This Headline Took Me To A Disturbing Visual Place.
PM’s package won’t ease pump pain.
Once again, I should mention I am remarkably immature for a twenty five year old woman.
I broke myself over the weekend so I’m afraid this post’ll be it until Wednesday when my brain is due to return home. However, readers in Melbourne should definitely get themselves down to The East on Tuesday night for another week of So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia, if only on the off-chance of catching another dance off for first place.
Here’s a hint for our trash culture round - make sure you read the UK tabloids this week.
Posted by Jess at 11:42 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)August 18, 2006
Best. MySpace. Comment. Ever.
And by “best”, I mean “the most hilariously wrong”…
Some readers may be aware that I succumbed to the magic of MySpace sometime last year. I didn’t really understand it at all when I first joined up, and avoided the place for a good few months thinking “Well, that was pointless. It just appears to be a place for idiots to make in-jokes about each other.” Then it occurred to me - it was pointless and it allowed me to make idiotic in-jokes about my chums on their profiles! WHAT COULD BE MORE WHOLESOME AND FUN!?
Other than being a place where the foolishness of my chums can run rampant, it is also a great resource if you’re into studying fuckwits. And I am. Oh lord, I truly, truly am. I am endlessly amused by the sparkling animations and terrible poems and lol-filled odes to love people throw about on MySpazz.
An animated gif in the wild - MySpazz, yesterday.
Anyway, some lady (let’s refer to her as Bronny) added me on MySpace a few months ago and since I am all about catching up and rivalling Genny B’s epic number of friends , I approved her request and she became one of my people. Heh. Except… the woman sends around IDIOTIC BULLETINS EVERY GODDAMN FIVE MINUTES. They’re all multiple choice quizzes. They’re also incredibly and painfully stupid. Over at The East, I keep my boss amused by reading out the subject lines of Bronny’s latest bulletins in a particularly spazzy voice - stuff like “Who do you think Jesus really was?” and “How can we fix the situation in the Middle East” which, you know, are the sorts of queries easily answered through multiple choice questionnaires where you can choose one of four options and there’s a flashing animated background image spurring you forward to the point of an aneurysm.
Last night I was doorbitching at The East and explaining the concept of MySpazz to my bouncer sidekick Phil. We decided to trawl through Bronny’s MySpace page’s comments thread reasoning that she’d probably have equally stupid friends and we could laugh at them. We were right. The place was a veritable GOLDMINE of bad poetry, ASCII art and appalling Microsoft Paint-made jpegs saying “Thanks for being a friend!”.
And then?
Then we came across the greatest comment of all time.
Before I tell you what it is, I should explain that Bronny is (apparently) a blonde haired blue eyed forty year old single mother. Her profile photo has been ever so slightly photoshopped to make her look a bit younger - or at the very least, like the long lost sister of Jude Law’s character in AI: Artificial Intelligence. There is also a picture of her on her album page where she is holding a small child who appears to be at least partly of South East Asian descent. The picture has no description under it, so there is nothing to say it’s not her child, or a grandchild, or a niece or nephew - you get my point. It’s 2006, people. Get with the times.
Alright. Here is the comment left by a twenty year old Hillsong chick from Coffs Harbour. Brace yourselves.
hi Bronny, lol, I added you. I cant beleive your 40!!! Im not a lezzo or anything(yuk) but you are soo pretty for an older female…. please dont take offence to that, its a compliment…. in other words your really pretty lol…. Is that your cute black baby? not being racist, I love black kids they are adorable, cuter then white ones, lol..POST ME, lol…
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
i) Excessive and random use of the hideous “lol” - ONE POINT!
ii) Bad grammar, overenthusiastic distribution of exclamation marks, and spelling mistakes - ONE POINT!
iii) Appreciation of subject’s physical appearance followed by the obligatory hardcore Christian-esque denial of any lesbionic undertones (yuk) - ONE POINT!
iv) IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY! - ONE POINT!
v) I’m sorry, but - IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY?! - ONE POINT AGAIN!
vi) NOT BEING RACIST, I LOVE BLACK KIDS THEY ARE ADORABLE, CUTER THEN WHITE ONES, LOL - ONE BILLION POINTS!
vii) And then, subtly sandwiched between “lols”, a demand for reciprocal MySpazz comment love - ONE POINT!
All in all, I give this MySpace comment 1000000000006 points.
In a world of Angelina Jolies and United Colors of Benetton commercials, it can be a very confusing job to work out whether someone’s adopted a fashionable “cute black baby” for their very own or whether they’re just fronting some sort of ad campaign. It’s best to try and clarify these sorts of things.
Oh, and on the page actually featuring the photo of the aforementioned “cute black baby” and Bronny? Someone has commented “Were you involved in an aid project?”
DO YOU SEE? COS SHE’S HOLDING A DARKIE! SHE LIK REBECCA GIBNEY LOLOLOLOL!!!11!!
Needless to say, the catchphrase during knock off time at The East last night was “HAY GUYZ IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY?”. It punctuated most sentences. Awkward silences were now happily filled. And when references to “your cute black baby” got old, we were able to smoothly switch over and begin peppering our chitchat with “I didn’t know you were involved in an aid project!”
In short - MySpace is full of fuckwits who are wrong in the head. This is why it is my spiritual home.
Posted by Jess at 1:19 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)A Summary Of I’d Rather Jack’s Radiothon Show.
This is going to be a halfarsed post of epic proportions but I’m afraid I’ve had about ten hours sleep in the past fifty six hours and Dave the Scot is due to turn up at my place any minute for Thursday Friday Breakfast Club so I must bang this out as quickly as possible…
How’d we go? Pretty fucking well, actually! The show was wonderfully haphazard and shouty and excitable, and we got a surprising amount of subscribers so it’s safe to say we’re pleased as punch! For those of you curious, here’s what the musician guests who were able to come in and perform live to air belted out for RRR-fans’ pleasure\amusement.
Dan Kelly and Dan Luscombe - Huey Lewis & The News “If This Is It”
Triple J album-of-the-week-ers, the startlingly handsome Dan Kelly and Dan Luscombe from Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males, came in to croon along to a karaoke backing track of the Huey Lewis hit “If This Is It”. Highlights of their time on air include the two minutes of pre-sing along discussion regarding Huey’s cock size (he’s notoriously packing heat, by the by), and Luscy - for the whole last minute of the song - asking in a deadpan voice “Is this it? If this is it… this is it, isn’t it? OH! So this is it?” whilst Dan Kelly worked some falsetto magic. A right laugh. And god love ‘em for coming in to the studio for a midnight til two am show considering they had to leave for a tour at seven the following morning. CHAMPEENS!
Jess McAvoy - Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield”
Another one who went above and beyond in the name of all things community (and, erm, radio). Jess is moving to Sydney today and had been up since four am on Wednesday morning organising removalist trucks, etc. Despite a dastardly lack of sleep, the lady strolled into the studio and worked some deadset magic on the Benatar hit as Clem and I swayed appreciatively along. She also threw a RRR rubber chicken at my head when I walked by her later on and called me bad names. So essentially it was like spending time with an old friend. Jess McAvoy? We salute you!
Mandy Kane - Backstreet Boys’ “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back!”)
Another delightful RRR supporting performer who had the honour of howling along to a karaoke backing track live on air - AGAIN, NO EXPENSE WAS SPARED FOR YOUR LISTENING PLEASURE, RADIO LOVERS! Mr Kane was very sweet and also, liked to refer to monkeys a fair bit. This confused me at the time but with reflection, I think it might actually be a nickname his fans have given him. I dunno. Maybe he just digs simians? Regardless, Clem and I got to pretend we were in a recording studio when we provided the back up vocals to his performance (“Yeah!” and “Ooooh!” from memory) and that’s all that counts. Danke to the very sweet Mandy Kane!
Jess and Clem - Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl”
We fulfilled a promise to do this one a capella after managing to get five new subscribers in a ten minute period. Were we in tune? Did we know the lyrics? Friends, I hardly think that was the point. What was the point? We don’t know. It was a confusing night. But fun! FUN!
Angie Hart - Michael Bolton’s “How Can We Be Lovers”
Oh. My. Lord. Where to start? Well, first I’d like to give Ms Hart, on behalf of Clem and myself, a big fucking thank you for arriving at the station at 11:30pm and sticking around til the very very very very end. THAT IS HOW MUCH SHE LOVES RRR, PEOPLE! But back to the “performance”… Now, Angie and I had discussed the possibility of covering quite a few songs - Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater”, Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” (Ang’s impersonation of Shakira singing “Mbaby meh heeps don lai…” is frighteningly and hilariously spot on) - but what can I say? The woman is partial to Bolton. Dare I say it… obsessed with Bolton? So “How Can We Be Lovers” it was. AND WHAT A TRULY TOUCHING RENDITION OF THE OLD CLASSIC! We’d practiced the song together, oh - I don’t know - about three times ever? I was a bit festive from wine and forgot the chords halfway through, we all got confused about the lyrics - but did this stop Angie, Clem and I from delivering a blistering “set”? Nay. Because we are professionals. Horrifyingly, a fan of our dear guest actually captured the on air rock balladry in .wav format and has already popped it online but you’ll have to seek that out yourselves, folks. I heard about thirty seconds of it last night, doubled over with laughter and then hit delete. I think I’d prefer to keep it a blurred, joyous memory than relive it through the magic of technology.
We also had FUCKING AMAZING pre-recorded covers from the likes of the handsome Dynamo (who did the Haddaway classic “What Is Love?”), Children Collide & Midnight Juggernaughts (who collaborated to record a version of Michael Sembello’s “Maniac”), and possibly my favourite cover evs was The Blow Waves (aka Matt from The Mavis’s and Jamie from Love Outside Andromeda) doing Dannii’s “I Begin To Wonder” acoustically.
Thanks again to all the guests who came in or contributed something for the show, and even MORE thanks must go to the listeners of RRR who have been subscribing over the past week. I recognised the names of a few bloggers who rang up to pledge money (big ups to Bucky, MSKP and… oh lord, there was someone else and I’ve forgotten because I am so tired which makes me DREADFUL but do know we adore you) and hey, it’s not too late to do your thing if you haven’t been able to subscribe yet! Just head to this address and you can do it over the net. Huzzah!
Posted by Jess at 11:03 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)August 16, 2006
Random Delights!
Oh god, where to start, where to start…
I’ve been a right shit with updating this here blog, but I do hope you can forgive me. I’ve been busy with the usual (writing trivia questions, door bitching around town, scraping pennies from the bottom of wishing fountains) and also preoccupied with the rather important business of sorting my head out and being happy. Once again, I’d like to reiterate that I have the best mates in the world. MOVING ON… Would you like some headings in bold? OF COURSE YOU WOULD!
RADIOTHON
Those of you who have spied me on MySpace and\or have bothered visiting ausculture.com over the last week would be aware of the I’d Rather Jack radiothon effort. The adorable Emma Heeney has been forced to pull out due to a larynx incident (not to be confused with a Cosima DeVito-esque nodules drama - in this case the problem is genuine, poor love) but nevertheless, we have even more musical gods prepared to put in the hard yards in the name of pop so there’s still every reason to tune in.
In fact, I (YES, ME - SHE FROM AUSCULTURE OMG WTF?!?!!1) will be strumming disastrously whilst an adorable singer belts our her wares. So while tomorrow night MIGHT sound shambolic, rest assured that the posse of musos have been working hard to ensure it’s not overly torturous radio. Oh, who am I kidding? It’ll be hilarious and unprofessional, just as you’d expect an I’d Rather Jack show to be. Do set your tape recorders (or whatever you technologically advanced kids use to preserve sounds from various sources) and try to subscribe.
Kate Hudson Leaves Chris Robinson!
Yes, it’s true. Kate has left the frontman for Counting Crows The Black Crowes, much to the surprise of me and… well, not too many from my household. I never wanted it to last but I’m still rather shocked they’ve separated. My dear chum Vikki explained it rather nicely this evening when she told me “… Kate wouldn’t have announced it a few months ago because she wouldn’t want to have dealt with it whilst having to deal with publicity for You, Me and Dupree” which makes a lot of sense. Regardless, the big question is - WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO GIVE THEIR CHILD A FUCKING HAIRCUT JESUS PLEASE IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE ADDRESS THIS ISSUE AT ONCE, ROBINSON\HUDSON PEOPLE!
Lady Sings Catchy Song
The handsome Matt Mavis sent me this and it’s worth checking out.
Girls Are Not Funny,
Dear chums, I’ll leave this in your capable hands. Whilst I can concur that most mainstream comedians worth their grain of salt are male, the funniest and cleverest people I know are female. They’re dark, quick and shameless. Even the ones you wouldn’t expect. So either Mr Sam (not to be confused with the also exceedingly shitful Ms Sam Fairfax blogger - “Flirting. Chasing. Cheating. Love. Sex. Romance. Bleah.” - please stab me in the vagina right now, you vacuous fool) isn’t meeting the right kind of ladies or every single gut-busting woman I know is an anomaly. Either way, you lot need to check out the bevy of witty ladies I know and love.
Trivia!
A word to be feared on Ausculture, I know. It usually leads to an onslaught of talk of chicken parmas and flirtation. But seriously - tonight at The East was a BRILLIANT night. Birthdays, drunken shenanigans on microphones (that’d be me and George), and A MOTHERCHUCKING DANCEOFF TO KENNY LOGGINS FOR FIRST PLACE! I kid you not. The guy who “busted a move” and won was an absolute genius. George and I were totally impressed and we made him do an encore to Pat Benatar’s Love Is A Battlefield. I can only speak for the trivia peeps but we fell deeply in love with this mystery man (I think his name was Richard - or maybe FUTURE MR AUSCULTURE). If you’re not at The Corner tomorrow night or at The East next week, you’re a fool. Unless you live interstate, in which case - fair play, chum. Fair play.
THERE IS LOADS MORE!
But I truly don’t know where to start. If I can blog when I get to my partner in crime’s place to practice Radiothon tune tomorrow I will, but if I don’t - do tune in, and I will be thrusting myself headfirst into the blogging caper on Thursday… Friday at the latest.
Please keep the dream alive!
PS: Al Cad, I like you a lot. I wrote a Big Brother finale wrap but then Firefox had a fit and died before I could save it, so I never bothered retyping it. I liked that you banged a report online in the comments. In fact, I just like the cut of your jib. Do keep it up.
THE REST OF YOU?
Inappropriate touching, of course xxx
PPS: I’m half cut as I type this but I thought you deserved a post, no matter how idiotic. Do forgive me and any typos I make. The Barn is calling… Posted by Jess at 12:17 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
August 9, 2006
RRR Radiothon All Star Covers!
Sorry for being a bit absent for the past week or so! Those of you who care will be pleased to know that this is a direct result of having a life\working a fair bit\devoting far too much of my time to supping coffees at Rays in Brunswick and not because I am in a sooky mood again.
ANYWAY!
I’d Rather Jack, the shoddy but sweet lil’ radio show I host with the EXPLOSIVE Clem Bastow, will be experiencing the joy and wonder of living through a community radio station’s annual plea for bucks… RADIOTHON!
To celebrate and encourage you lot to ring up and subscribe (as though the feeling of goodness deep in your heart and potential to win ace prizes wasn’t enough), Clem and I have a VERY special show planned. Some of our favourite artists will be stepping up to the microphones and performing a VERY special pop song cover! Doesn’t that sound VERY special? It certainly makes ME feel VERY special! I am hungover, please move on.
We don’t want to ruin the surprise by telling you which songs are being covered, but we CAN tell you some of the lovely musicians who will be ‘doing their bit’ for both community radio and your ears.
::drumroll::
- Angie Hart!
- Jess McAvoy!
- The Blow Waves!
- Sandrine!
- Dynamo!
- Dan Kelly!
- Emma Heeney!
- Midnight Juggernauts!
- Beki & The Bullets!
- The Amazing Phillips Sisters!
- And MORE, if you can believe it!
You know you want to hear it.
WEDNESDAY 16TH AUGUST FROM MIDNIGHT, TRIPLE R 102.7FM OR STREAMING ONLINE!!
Update - I’ve now added links to the relevant MySpace pages so if you’re unfamiliar with the folks mentioned above, you can check them out in your own time. There are some great songs available to listen to on there. Good-o.
Posted by Jess at 5:39 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)We Are The Web
Well. Isn’t this a catchy tune?
Posted by Jess at 5:23 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)August 7, 2006
Trivizzle My Nizzles!
Since it’s been a while, I figured it’s time to once again plug the hottest craze occuring Tuesday nights in East Brunswick! Don’t question me.
________________
On behalf of Dave the Scotsman, George H and myself, I’d like to remind you all of a little something we call So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? Rock and Pop Culture Trivia.
SERIOUSLY JESS, WE’RE BOTH AWARE OF AND BORED BY THE CONCEPT.
My, what a sharp tongue we have today? Hush. We’re not saying you’re “bad people” or “disloyal” or even “an evil Liberal voter who probably caught syphilis from a crack-addled hooker” if you don’t come. This is just a friendly reminder. Because we’re friends.
Although Dave’s been spreading that Liberal-voting-syphilis thing around town about you, if you’re wondering about the funny looks you were getting last week.
HMMPH.
Stop sooking and come eat a ten buck parma in a venue filled with love and more tasteful wood panelling than you can poke a stick at. Bring your friends, your family, your lovers, your pets. (POSSIBLY NOT PETS DUE TO COMPLICATED OCCUPATIONAL HEALTH AND SAFETY RULES)
A chicken parma in the wild - yesterday.
DETAILS AND MAKE HASTE.
7:30pm each Tuesday night. East Brunswick Club (corner of Lygon and Albert St). #1 and #8 trams will get you there. You can win jugs of beer or just say hello. We miss you. You never call, you never write… I can’t think of the last time you bought me flowers.
FINE.
Fine.
SO.
(tugs at collar)
THIS HAS GOTTEN UNCOMFORTABLE HASN’T IT?
A little. I’d better go, I think I hear my mum calling me for tea.
(moves toward virtual door and throws insincere smile your way before running outside)
________________
So. If you haven’t found the time to make it down to The East on a Tuesday, rock up and see how you go. You may even find love (seriously - two of our punters met at trivia and are now in the beautiful honeymoon stage of romance!). And if that’s not enough to lure you there, at least turn up and watch the vicious mental fisticuffs between the Mess and Noise team and the blogworld posse.
WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR ON A TUESDAY NIGHT?
And Marissa’s dead, for fucks. Get out of the house.
Posted by Jess at 9:07 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Your Monday Viewing Assignment.
Trust me.
PART ONE
PART TWO
PART THREE
Stephen Colbert may have fucked with Wikipedia but after watching the above, I’ll forgive him anything.
Posted by Jess at 3:18 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)August 2, 2006
Introducing… Mr Dave Hill.
A few months ago, Ms Fits emailed me this link and declared that the star of the video was her “new favourite person in the world”. I sought out more videos of the fellow and sure enough, it became clear to every single person I know (or at the very least, my housemates and their lovers and various chums) that he was quite the comedic genius.
This was the clip that sold me.
The man behind the funnies? Ladies and gentlemen, please meet Dave Hill.
Clem and I will be interviewing Dave tonight on I’d Rather Jack at around 12.30am, which works out to be a pretty reasonable time where Dave is. Excellent. You can listen on 102.7FM if you’re in Melbourne, otherwise you can stream the show from the RRR website.
Until then - here’s a quick interview I did with Dave so you can get an idea of what the man’s about. Jolly good.
Q. Who the hell are you, and what do you do? Please feel free to lie and\or embellish as you see fit.Posted by Jess at 1:30 PM Link | Comments (4)
My name is Dave Hill and I am one of the world’s greatest entertainers, which is to say that I am pretty much exactly like Tobey Maguire only a bit taller. I would like to think I also have better hair but I guess that’s not really for me to say.
Q. You’re to be interviewed by I’d Rather Jack quite shortly. What do you hope to gain from exposure to an Australian community radio show’s seventeen devoted listeners*?
I’m hoping this will cut down on all the namecalling I am usually subjected to when I come down there. Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, I have never been there but I’m told it’s quite nice. If I pop for the air fare, can I stay at your house? Be honest. If this is not cool you need to give me the heads up on this right now so I can make other arrangements. I am tired of the bullshit.
Q. What can listeners of RRR expect to hear from you when they tune in on Wednesday night… Crazy conspiracy theories? Extraordinary showbiz tales? Frighteningly detailed descriptions of physical ailments?
I imagine it will be not unlike when the Beatles first came to America, only it will be just one guy instead of four guys and I will only be on the phone and not really there in person. Also, I will not have nearly as much to offer aside from the great hair mentioned in response to question #1. Still, I think it will be a great day for me and hopefully a slightly better one for the people of Australia. I plan to make light chit-chat mostly and then at one point I will inexplicably burst into tears and then in the background you might hear someone yelling at me about putting some goddamn pants on before I just go sitting on the good furniture like that. Then there will be a long silence followed shortly after by the resuming of the sounds of a grown man crying. Then I will reveal to your audience that I have been a delicious sandwich throughout the course of the interview.
*We jest, we jest. There’s at least forty.
July 31, 2006
Tonight’s Big Brother Finale | BB06
I am sitting in Suges loungeroom and the Big Brother finale is about to kick off. The beloved members of the Melbourne Big Brother Society (MBBS) are crowded around the television, eating cheese and biscuits, supping wine and beer, and screaming wildly at sporadic moments.
I am pleased to be here, sharing this moment, with such fine upstanding citizens.
Time for a snap poll.
WHO SHOULD WIN
Ms Fits - Camilla
Genny B - Jamie
Sugar - Camilla
Hotman - Camilla
Dirty Derek - Jamie
Fluffy - Camilla
Ukulele - Camilla
Jess - Camilla
WHO WILL WIN
Ms Fits - Jamie
Genny B - Jamie
Sugar - Jamie
Hotman - Camilla
Dirty Derek - Jamie
Fluffy - Camilla
Ukulele - Camilla
Jess - Jamie
IN SHORT…
Six out of eight MBBS members believe Camilla is the deserving winner. However, five out of eight believe Jamie will emerge the victor.
Hold your breath, people. Let’s see how we go…
PS: Hotman declared tonight that “if Camilla wins, it means Labor will win the next election”. Which means it’ll definitely be Logan Jamie’s eviction UNLESS THERE IS A (NON HILLSONG) GOD!
Posted by Jess at 6:59 PM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)Lindsay Lohan Chastised By Producer.
Each time I feel a bit down in the dumps due to the knowledge that John Howard is now going to be around for at least three more years, I take a moment to read the following letter to Lindsay Lohan from James G Robinson, chief executive of the production company behind the latest flick Lindsay’s filming called Georgia Rules. Then I think “Ahhh well. At least there’s someone* out there in nearly as much trouble as this country’s moral conscience**”.
Click for bigger.
For those of you not up to date with Lindsay’s health woes and the reasons behind them, Best Week Ever published a handy translation guide which I shall now reproduce.
“Dehydration” - too much booze.
“Exhaustion” - too much blow.
“Overheating” - too much booze and blow on the beach.
* Well, two people really. But don’t blame Mel Gibson, it’s the demon drink which led him to freely expressing his views on those damn world-running Jews out loud whilst getting arrested in LA!
** (whistles innocently) (smirks)
Posted by Jess at 11:59 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)A Nice Way To Begin Your Monday, Folks.
I blame having parents who used to allow me to watch Are You Being Served? with them when I was a wee lass for my disgustingly immature sense of humour. My dear housemate Nat and I just searched for some clips from the show on You Tube and then proceeded to laugh hysterically at the following two snippets.
Nat’s gone to bed now and I’m still watching them on repeat. And marvelling not only at the fact that there were scriptwriters who were paid to write such ridiculous lines involving the word “pussy” but also that they were able to come up with at least one or two insanely juvenile Slocombe-pussy-based gags per episode.
It is a testament to a work ethic and dedication to wordsmithery I can only dream of, as evidenced by my use of “wordsmithery” just then. For this reason, I choose today to salute the writers of Are You Being Served?… and I hope you take a moment to give them the love they deserve too.
WE ARE NOT WORTHY.
Posted by Jess at 7:19 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)July 30, 2006
Best Big Brother Moment Ever | BB06
Two gay lovers reunited on live television where they tightly embrace each other - to the sound of rapturous applause provided by an amphitheatre full of average Australians?
Beautiful. It almost makes me feel better about Jamie being in the final two.
CAMILLA TO WIN!*
*When did you EVER think you’d hear those words from me, eh?
PS: The dashing and handsome Richard Watts has some thoughts on the above topic as well - check it out.
Posted by Jess at 10:24 PM Link | Comments (28) | TrackBack (0)You Know It’s ‘Art’ Because It Has Subtitles.
My dearest gal pal Ang forwarded me something today and I think I love it a fair bit. Mostly for the lonely pea who whimpers a grateful “Merci!” for being eaten. I know that sentence doesn’t make ANY sense whatsoever so you’d best click on this and see what I’m talking about for yourself.
Posted by Jess at 10:15 PM Link | TrackBack (0)July 29, 2006
This Is One Of The Greatest Things Ever Created.
And as you all know, I am not one for hyperbole.
Muchos thanks to Housemate Ted Dancin’ for alerting me to the above clip.
IT WILL BE THE SONG OF THE SUMMER, MARK MY WORDS!
PS: Yes, I know web-savvy folks out there probably witnessed the magic of Macarron Chacarron a while back but I choose to represent the more backwater types on this here blog - hence I’m pretending it’s not already an internet phenomenon.
Posted by Jess at 7:53 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)July 27, 2006
My Sweet Lord…
I don’t want to brag, but the explosive CLEMBASTOW and I have, unless the gods strike us down, some BRILLIANT fucking artists lined up to perform some UNEXPECTED and AMAZING COVERS (the capitalisation is worthy, trust me) during RRR’s Radiothon in a few weeks time.
Stay tuned. Seriously. It’ll be worth recording. Be prepared to donate.
(details to follow)
PS: Dudes, I am not joking. One of the best vocalists in the world and a Michael Bolton song? Fucking brace yourselves.
Posted by Jess at 11:59 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)WHAT SORT OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?!
A Melbourne schoolboy ranked hugging the Prime Minister as one of the most exciting moments in his short life - but he’s willing to trade that in for winning the Head of the River rowing competition.
Teenager Stephen Battaglia, a Year 11 student at Carey Grammar School and rower in the school’s first eight, embraced John Howard as he passed on his morning walk in Melbourne yesterday.
ARE YOU FOR SERIOUS, STEPHEN? First you fucking hug the old bastard instead of jamming the screw driver you were clutching up his clacker, and now you’re rating the experience as the most exciting moment in your life?
He said the Prime Minister took it all in good spirits. “He was just laughing pretty much, just smiling going ‘ha ha ha’,” he recalled. But the reaction from his friends was anything but laid back: “Do you realise what you’ve just done? You’ve hugged the Prime Minister, that’s awesome.”
The words “Prime Minister” and “awesome” do not belong in a sentence together. Ever. Especially from teenagers. I thought the youth of today enjoyed listening to Linkin Park and feeling bitter toward authority figures? THAT’S THE WAY GOD INTENDED THINGS TO BE, WHY ARE THEY NOT LIVING UP TO THEIR END OF THE BARGAIN?
I am bewildered, I truly am.
Posted by Jess at 4:25 PM Link | Comments (113) | TrackBack (0)Emma Heeney @ Northcote Social Club Tonight
The beautiful Emma Heeney kindly agreed to be interviewed by ausculture.com last week but as yours truly is disorganised beyond belief, it just never happened.
NONETHELESS.
In lieu of a revealing and cutting edge interview, I shall simply inform you that she is a doll* and rather talented and if you are in Melbourne tonight, you should definitely go to her album launch at Northcote Social Club. Here’s the press release about her new record.
After six years with Brisbane come Melbourne band ‘Gorgeous’, Emma Heeney is stepping out alone for the first time. ‘Gorgeous’ had success on the indie scene playing festivals such as Livid, The Valley Fiesta, Port Fairy & the Woodford Folk Festival and touring nationally headling their own shows and supporting the likes of Damien Rice, Pete Murray, The Whitlams, Frente and The Waifs to name a few.
With five recordings (with Gorgeous), substantial airplay on national radio, televison appearances on the ABC, channel seven and channel nine and multiple guest appearances in albums including Pete Murray’s ‘Feeler’ under her belt, Emma Heeney is set to launch her debut solo album.
Recorded at Eastern Bloc Studios (Hawthorn, VIC) in March/April 2006, ‘Dreaming of Bridges’ boasts an all star cast including Peter Luscome (Paul Kelly), Angie Hart (Frente/Splendid/Holidays on Ice), Wally De Backer (Gotye/The Basics), Thomas McGowan (Folding For Air), Jadey O’Regan (Jane vs World) and Ben Tolliday (Trinkets) with strings arranged by Emma Dean (Kate Miller-Heidke band).
And that, as they say, is that.
*For reals. I met her on my first night in Melbourne when I moved in October and she bought me drinks and chatted merrily and was basically a gem. Then I find out she plays music and is fucking good at it to boot. COULD I ADORE HER MORE? Unlikely.
Posted by Jess at 3:51 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)July 26, 2006
Birthday Wishes For The PM
HAY GUYS ITS UR BIRTHDAY LOLOLOL!!11!
WE WISH A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY& MANY MORE YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB FOR ALL OF AUSTRIALIA WE THANK YOU & HOPE YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK & ONLY WHEN YOU ARE READY
TO RETIRE DO IT WITH GRACE & DIGNITY AS YOU HAVE ALWAYS
DONE AS THE P,M, OF AUSTRALIA ….KEEP ON WALKING IT KEEKS YOU WELL AHEAD OFTHE LABOR PARTY THEY AER A JOKE…. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN YOU LOOK GREAT AT 67
KEVIN & MARGARET
Posted: Wed 26 Jul 06 at 10:47am
TANKS KEVIN & MARGARET YOU AER TOO KIND. KEEK ON KEEKING ON!
Bwahaha….. Pish Posh to the bitter whiners, Howards done a fantastic job evolving Australia. Happy Birthday John!
Cry More
Posted: Wed 26 Jul 06 at 10:25am
I can’t believe the beautifully named Cry More managed to bang out a “Bwahaha” in a birthday message and then follow it on by actually using the expression “pish posh”. GENIUS.
John Howard has good health, a loving wife and family, as well as the deep affection, trust, and respect of the overwhelming majority of fairminded Australians. He also has job security. No amount of impotent vitriolic bile from the professional Howard Haters of the Lunatic Left is going to change any of that. Those who spit venom at him make a far far greater comment about themselves than they do about Australia’s greatest Prime Minister. Happy Birthday John. If and when you eventually step down as PM, would you mind if we appointed you King? That would really get up their noses!!
Roger
Posted: Wed 26 Jul 06 at 09:46am
Arf - what a jolly good idea, Roger! Way to teach those Republic-supporting Lunatic Lefties a lesson! GET THAT UP YOU, VENOM SPITTERS!
Posted by Jess at 12:19 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)Happy Birthday, Cunteyes.
Sixty seven today, eh? Congratulations! May all your dreams come true*.
*Only if your dreams involve painful bouts of haemorrhoids, erectile dysfunction and Janette going mental and kicking you repeatedly in the nuts for no explicable reason.
Posted by Jess at 9:51 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)July 25, 2006
Are You In A Bad Mood?
Cheer up, sook.
May I suggest listening to Chic’s Everybody Dance (Clap Your Hands) if you need to perk up? It’s doing wonders for me. Expect it to be played quite loudly tonight between quiz rounds at The East Brunswick Club (should you come to trivia).
I WILL STOP BLOGGING NOW I PROMISE.
Wow. It’s kinda nice to feel back in the swing of things.
Posted by Jess at 12:48 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)If You Are In Melbourne Tonight…
… then you’d want to be attending trivia at the East Brunswick Club from 7.30pm onwards.
And after you eat your ten buck parma and drink a few pots so you’re on your way to getting merrily shickered, you can then walk down a little hallway and attend the gig of this man…
That’s right, Bob Log III’s back in town and tonight’s show promises to be a delight beyond mortal comprehension.
So there you have it.
Posted by Jess at 12:27 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Geri Halliwell’s Game Plan
From The Mirror…
STRATEGY - GAME PLAN
- USA?
- Europe?
- Films?… how many can we get?
- TV Productions?
Not included on list -
- Bestow half-decent moniker on baby.
- Shout Posh a sandwich.
- Pen third lot of memoirs as it’s been a massive six and three years since the first and second…
- Leave daily message requesting friendship\UNICEF chat\play date on Angelina’s messagebank.
Assorted Shizzle For Your Tuesday.
Sufjan Stevens’ The Avalanche I am thoroughly enjoying the latest Sufjan album. Even the tunes which didn’t make the cut for Chicago are still achingly beautiful, it would seem. Highlights from the album are Pittsfield, Chicago (Acoustic Version) and Springfield, or Bobby Got a Shadfly Caught in his Hair. Do try and get a hold of it. And when it’s released next month, be sure to buy a copy of Drowning In The Fountain Of Youth by Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males. The song My Brains Are On Fire! has been stuck in my head for days.
Steely Dan Are Concerned About Owen Wilson! So much so that they’ve penned an open letter to Luke Wilson on their website. Has anyone actually seen You, Me & Dupree yet? Is it as disappointing as I suspect it is? Of course, it’s best not to go by my taste in movies. I have an overwhelming urge to go and see this film…
… Anyone with me? Hello?
Ryan Adams Frolics On Blogs! Have a read for yourself. The story in short? Stereogum reproduces a message from a Ryan Adams fan board by someone claiming to be Ryan who states he’s working on releasing three albums at the moment. Most folk doubt it was Ryan who posted the message, but proceed to rip into the ex-Whiskeytown singer’s prolific output regardless. Turns out it WAS the real Ryan who posted the message on the fan board, and he’s also not entirely thrilled by some of the comments on Stereogum. Banter ahoy!
Rockstar: Supernova I don’t have cable television anymore so I can’t watch this year’s new season of Rockstar. However the killer weekly wrap ups on this Mess and Noise thread mean I don’t mind so much. Marvellous. Add it to your bookmarks.
Coming Soon To Ausculture… Celine Dion Appreciation Day.
Posted by Jess at 9:20 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)July 24, 2006
The Evolution Of A News Story
(as witnessed through constantly updated newspaper headlines*)
- Miss Universe competition begins
- Beauty queens: A mirror of the times
- Ruffle rousing in the playground
- When brains, beauty collide
- Topless Miss Australia gets grief
- McNaught fights to stay in pageant
- Miss Universe entrant to continue
- Aussie Miss Universe runs out of clothes
- Fuss over, she’s still top girl from Oz
- Trump talk for McNaught
- Our Erin is favourite to win the universe
- McNaughty worth a double take for Don
- Erin turns up the heat
- McNaughty Trumps talk show
- Deepthroat McNaughty dazzles The Donald
- Aussie Erin holds Universe “Trump” card
- McNaughty’s date with Letterman
- McNaughty brushes gently past Letterman, pant-stiffening ensues
- Beauty Erin comes up Trumps
- Trump plans to erect “some kind of” monument in honour of McNaughty
- Odds shorten for McNaughty
- Magic Vadge McNaughty tipped to become the pride of Oz
- Slutbags McGinty odds on favourite to win Miss Universe title
- McNaughtykins at centre of Universe
- Miss Puerto Rico Crowned Miss Universe
- McNaught misses out
- Australian journos agree to cease using affectionate nicknames for Herpes McNaught
- The One Who Isn’t Jennifer Hawkins seen walking into Picture Magazine offices
- McGuire asks staffers if it is too early to bone whatsherface
*Some fictional, admittedly.
Posted by Jess at 2:33 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)WITNESS THE MAGIC FOR YOURSELVES!
As some of you would be aware, the explosive CLEMBASTOW and yours truly host a late night idiocy extravaganza on Melbourne radio station RRR from midnight each Wednesday. The name of our show is I’d Rather Jack and we lovingly nicked it from a Stock Aitken Waterman girl duo called The Reynolds Girls who released a song by that name back in 1989.
I was first introduced to the magic of this tune by my manager (and future father of my children), the startlingly brilliant and handsome Will Fop. After eating dinner and gossiping about various things at length (as girls and their gays are wont to do) at his abode, he sat me down for a “viewing” of the Stock Aitken Waterman Gold DVD, and once we’d finished enjoying some vintage Jason Donovan and Kylie clips, he decided it was time to show me the music video for The Reynolds Girls I’d Rather Jack.
Life was never to be the same again.
I became obsessed with it. I imitated the dance moves. I marvelled at the sheer wonder and tackiness of it all. I howled along with the chorus and attempted to record thirty second clips on my mobile phone to show my other friends just what had been missing from their existence.
A few days later, I finally had a chance to tell Clem about the song and video. She downloaded legally purchased the mp3 of the song, became similarly enthused, and when the time came to pick a name for our radio show it was abundantly clear that we’d have to choose something to honour this genius slice of pop.
BUT.
I don’t think Clem has seen the video clip which kick started my love of The Reynolds Girls. I don’t think many people have, to be honest.
The time of ignorance is over. Get ready to fall for The Reynolds Girls - and fall hard.
If I ever see any of you out on the town in Melbourne, I expect you to be busting similar moves with a chum\sibling of your choice. THE GIRLS ARE INSANE DANCE FREAKS AND I HEART THEM SO.
Posted by Jess at 11:05 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)Architecture In Helsinki vs Busta Rhymes
Some people don’t like Architecture In Helsinki. Some people don’t like Busta Rhymes. Whatevs.
But listen here, folks - you’d have to be a fool of epic proportions to not enjoy the mash up of Architecture In Helsinki’s Do The Whirlwind with Busta’s Touch It. A FOOL. DO YOU HEAR ME?
You can download it for nought from the Architecture In Helsinki MySpace page or, if you’re frightened of MySpazz, you can grab it from this site.
Mama likey indeed.
In addition, I am also quite partial to Busta Rhymes’ I Love My Bitch, although this has become a bone of contention amongst one or two of my nearest and dearest. Hmmmph.
Posted by Jess at 8:29 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)July 23, 2006
Would You “Tap” This “Ass”?
Probably not.
Lucky for you, ladies and gentlemen, that Mr George Michael is willing and able to tap it for you!
According to News Of The World…
News of the World investigators caught the singer red-handed and red-faced as he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver.
When challenged George, 43, was wild-eyed and trembling. Trying to hide his face under a baseball cap, he screamed:
“I don’t believe it! F*** off! If you put those pictures in the paper I’ll sue!”
Clearly the paper weren’t too concerned by George’s threat of litigation. Although personally if I’d had to cop the below crankypants facial expression from the man, I’d be rocking back and forth in a corner weeping uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy sprung pleasuring the ex-Wham! singer - the journalist behind the article is obviously not enamoured by the fellow judging by the following descriptions of Norman Kirtland which pepper the article.
“he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver.”
Presumably the newspaper would be less disgusted by the concept of cruising for anonymous gay sex in parks had George been caught cavorting with a a thirty-something fellow with chiselled abs and a responsible nine-to-five job filing paperwork.
“he ignored all the risks and dangers to pull seedy Norman Kirtland.”
Pull in every sense, one guesses.
“Looking gross and dishevelled, Kirtland answered the door naked - pulling on grimy shorts as he invited us in.”
I like that Norman answers the door in the nuddy when he has no idea who is there but is classy enough to bang on the grubby pants once he realises it’s a national tabloid newspaper ringing his bell. I once knocked on the door of a French transvestite on New Years Eve in London (his name, I kid you not, was Shemale) and he answered the door dishevelled and sans pants, but as he cheerfully explained to me at the time “Ah hef joos fineesh ‘aving zee secks, geeve me a mo-men - merci…” and who was I to judge?
“Kirtland’s dingy place just off Brighton seafront, was littered with rubbish, dirty crockery and filthy laundry. His only companion is a 20-year-old cat.”
A TWENTY YEAR OLD CAT? DIRTY CROCKERY AND FILTHY LAUNDRY? LITTERED WITH RUBBISH?
Good god. It’s like I can see my own future.
Posted by Jess at 10:37 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)July 22, 2006
Early Morning Music Video Thoughts.
The video clip for Panic! At The Disco’s song “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” is possibly the most emo-tastic thing I’ve ever seen. I thought it was a joke. OMG WERE R ALL DEZE FEELINZ CUMIN FROM??!!1!!! LOLOLOL
And the clip for Westlife’s version of “You Lift Me Up”? My god. It’s like Waking Ned Devine raped New Kids On The Block, resulting in the birth of a chiselled, bland and ultra-twee baby. And yet… I can’t look away.
I’d never noticed Rhianna’s “SOS” contains the lyric ‘Hold me closer cos I’m your tiny dancer..’ - HAHAHAHA. I’d cringe but it’s one of the best pop songs I’ve heard in an age so as far as I’m concerned, the woman could belt out the chemical contents of pubic lice shampoo and I’d still be dancing. And possibly scratching my nether regions in a paranoid fashion. I KID, I KID!
The High School Musical Cast’s single… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And also? Follow your dreams, kids. Follow your dreams. (wipes tear away and continues jiving around giant moon prop)
TV Rock’s “Flaunt It” is fucking shithouse. Seriously. The guy in the clip needs a kick to the cock, post haste.
That Teddy Geiger is quite pretty, isn’t he? But better with the volume down, I suspect. Kudos to John Mayer for obviously managing to father an illegitimate child when he was around eleven years of age though.
The video clip for Panic! At The Disco’s song “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” is possibly the most emo-tastic thing I’ve ever seen. I thought it was a joke. OMG WERE R ALL DEZE FEELINZ CUMIN FROM??!!1!!! LOLOLOL
And the clip for Westlife’s version of “You Lift Me Up”? My god. It’s like Waking Ned Devine raped New Kids On The Block, resulting in the birth of a chiselled, bland and ultra-twee baby. And yet… I can’t look away.
I’d never noticed Rhianna’s “SOS” contains the lyric ‘Hold me closer cos I’m your tiny dancer..’ - HAHAHAHA. I’d cringe but it’s one of the best pop songs I’ve heard in an age so as far as I’m concerned, the woman could belt out the chemical contents of pubic lice shampoo and I’d still be dancing. And possibly scratching my nether regions in a paranoid fashion. I KID, I KID!
The High School Musical Cast’s single… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And also? Follow your dreams, kids. Follow your dreams. (wipes tear away and continues jiving around giant moon prop)
TV Rock’s “Flaunt It” is fucking shithouse. Seriously. The guy in the clip needs a kick to the cock, post haste.
That Teddy Geiger is quite pretty, isn’t he? But better with the volume down, I suspect. Kudos to John Mayer for obviously managing to father an illegitimate child when he was around eleven years of age though.
INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT UPDATE - I just checked his Wikipedia entry and seventeen year old Teddy Geiger apparently named his debut album Underage Thinking. UNDERAGE THINKING! DO YOU SEE WHAT HE DID THERE? I am a bit obsessed with him now, if you must know. But purely in a “in a few footy seasons” sort of way.
Posted by Jess at 9:03 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)July 20, 2006
All Filler, No Killer II
I’ve posted this on MySpazz already but until I can sit down and have a proper frolic through the world of tabloid journalism, here’s some ridiculous reading material for you all.
July 17, 2006
Angie Hart Solo Shows
On Thursday night I went to see Angie Hart play at the Northcote Social Club.
I am a bit biased when it comes to this lady because I have been a big admirer of her work since I was but a wee kidlet running around family gatherings singing my guts out along to Marvin The Album as it boomed from my battery operated cassette player (which led to Dreamy Eleven Year Old Jess turning to her aunt and asking “Do you think I could be a good singer?” and her rather gruff aunt replying “Erm, no.”) but believe me, I am being DEVASTATINGLY HONEST when I say…
… it was a fucking amazing night. Seriously. She played all the new songs she’s been writing in anticipation of her first solo album and I’ve never seen an audience totally captivated by tunes they’ve never before heard in their life. She threw two Splendid songs into the set (from memory, Asleep and Stop Buying Things) and sang her cover of Pet Shop Boys’ “You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You’re Drunk” as an encore but the rest? All new songs. And more importantly, all fucking ace
Don’t Be Shy is beautiful and aching and made me get a bit teary (I’m a big girl, I know), Cold Heart Killer is pop perfection, My Year Of Drinking is raw and truthful and contains the loveliest use of the word ‘cocksucker’ you’ll ever hear, and My Thief is simply sublime - when the “what comes naturally…” bit kicks in, oh lord… you’ll die. In a good way.
So.
Sydneysiders with any sense at all MUST go and book a ticket to see the show Thursday night at The Vanguard by clicking here. If you’re a Hart enthusiast and have enjoyed her Frente, Splendid and more recently Holidays On Ice stuff, then don’t miss out on seeing her belting out the new tunes. My Molly Meldrum-edque tip is that the new album will be an absolute corker.
PS: This guy seemed to really like the show too so it’s not just me. BUY A FUCKING TICKET, SYDNEY FOLK!
Posted by Jess at 5:01 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)July 15, 2006
Britney’s Letter Of Truth.
Rightio.
I promised a few days ago to “have a good chat” with you all about my dastardly lack of posting on this here website. Shall we do it now? Why the hell not, says I.
I shall preface by noting that I don’t normally write about serious stuff regarding my own life on this blog. You come here for pop culture idiocy and Big Brother rambling, I know, and occasionally photos of Peter Costello jizzing in John Howard’s ear. But it’s been fairly obvious things haven’t been the same lately on ausculture.com and many of you have been delightful enough to send worried\supportive\somewhat erotic emails to me, so just for today let’s say “Fuck up, tradition!” and be straight with each other. Or at the very least, I’ll be straight with you, Invisible Audience.
I’ve been struggling for the last few months. My various jobs are wonderful and fun, but since moving to Melbourne with fucking nothing back in October I’ve managed to amass a stinking pile of debt and I am finding it incredibly hard to cope. I am blessed with amazing friends who have stepped up consistently to make sure I have something to sleep on\clothes to wear\plates to eat off etc and beautiful housemates who have resisted stabbing me in the head because of my uselessness and instead ensure I eat at least one square meal a day, but this new life of artistic poverty - while no doubt helping me “grow as a person” and other such wankery - is starting to wear thin. I’m torn between not wanting to give up when the going is tough and go back to soul destroying nine-to-five work to get out of financial dire straits, and desperately craving the hefty pay checks of yesteryear which’d help get me back on track buckswise.
Add to that an unexpected quarter life crisis consisting of me asking myself daily “But what do I want to be when I grow up?” and a tendency to go off the rails whenever things get somewhat difficult, with a pinch of Piscean sookiness and voila - you’ve just baked yourself a Jessangst Pie.
Penning ausculture.com while I’ve been trying to get my head together has been rough as you can probably tell by the low quality\sporadic posting of the last few months. It’s not easy to get excited about Big Brother evictions and Lindsay Lohan unknowingly posing for saucy photos when the last thing in the world you feel you can do at the moment is write well and be somewhat funny.
Today I think I hit a very Hollywood “rock bottom” - a rotten hangover (the drinks were free, Mum! I didn’t spend rent - swears!), a heavy heart filled with regret and the news my phone has been completely cut off by my friends at Vodafone because I couldn’t afford to make a payment on it this morning. All my own fault, but that realisation isn’t something which makes me feel much better about the situation.
Again, I’m truly lucky because I am surrounded by great people. Today the dearest heart I know took one look at my devastated face and took me under a much needed wing. I was given a nutritious breakfast at Ray’s (do go there, by the way - Angela is the major hospitality crush of half of Brunswick and is ten kinds of adorable, as are the rest of the staff… END PLUG), shouted coffee after coffee, given an understanding ear and then whisked by tram to St Kilda to do a very Water Sign thing of sitting by the ocean as the sun went down and laughing about how bad things are which is pretty much the only thing anyone with any sense can do in these situations.
BUT.
The good news is I think I’m working things out. A slow process which’ll involve more LiveJournal-esque “issue sorting” (HAY GUYS IM EMO LOLOL) but I think I’m going to be okay. And I’m getting back the urge to write which is a good thing if you get something from this website and a bad thing if reading my rants makes you want to punch yourself in the face, so do stick around. I’ll come good. Honest!
So that’s the story as to why I haven’t been blogging very much. I thought the few of you out there who have expressed concern deserved an honest (and soberly composed, I might add) explanation. There won’t be any future posts on the topic (“THANK FUCK!” - Readers of Ausculture) and we can get back to more important things like making fun of the Liberal Party, Nikki from BBUK and The Mystery Of Suri Cruise.
Normally programming to resume shortly. Thanks for bothering to read to the end.
x
PS: To add a final dash of Whining Teen Blog to this post -
Listening to… Godhopping by Dogs Die In Hot Cars
Posted by Jess at 1:11 AM Link | Comments (34) | TrackBack (0)July 12, 2006
Real Blogging Coming Soon*
But in the meantime, a series of posts over at the Perez Hilton forums make up the funniest thread I’ve read in a while. Matthew McConaughey has freakish arms? YOU DIDN’T KNOW?
I love a ridiculous conspiracy theory.
*I know, I know. You’re heard it all before and I don’t blame you for being cynical. But we’ll all have a cup of tea and a good chat about my absence later on, eh? And there are a few nice things planned for the next couple of days so stay tuned.
Posted by Jess at 11:19 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)July 6, 2006
Potential New Neighbours Couple, Eh?
As the kids say -
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
ROFLCOPTER!!!
LMAONADE!!!
I am obsessed with the idea of them becoming television bogan royalty.
Posted by Jess at 7:00 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)Got Plans On Saturday Night?
No?
Then do what I’m doing - head to The East Brunswick Club and check out the Howling Bells album launch. I’ve been listening to the record for the last few days and I think it might be up there with Phoenix’s It’s Never Been Like That as one of my favourite albums of this year.
Hopefully I’ll see you there. Do say hello. I will be the person not smoking and behaving with the utmost decorum.
God help me.
July 4, 2006
Super Parma & Other Trivial Pursuits
Is it Tuesday today? IT IS?
Well, you know what that means.
DO I? I RECENTLY HAD A HEAD INJURY AND NEED TO BE REMINDED OF MANY THINGS.
Say no more, my Regarding Henry-esque chum - I’m here to give you the lowdown.
This evening, the East Brunswick Club will yet again be hosting the night of pop culture and rock’n’roll quiz madness known across the land (or at the very least, certain parts of Albert Street) as So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia.
George H and I will be passing the dutchie (ie. MICROPHONE) around the left hand side (and probably to the right from time to time) and guiding you through another evening of trashy exploration. Dave the Scot will play music which makes your head explode with joy\gives you clues to answers.
I KNOW ALL THIS, YOU SPAZGUTS.
To borrow a quote from myself at nine years old - “UMMMMMAAAAH! TOOOOSHY MAMA!”
The exciting new element to So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia this evening is that The East’s mad Irish chef - Mr Dorje “Comedy Inc” Heavey - has declared that from tonight on, RANDOM SUPER PARMAS WILL BE DISTRIBUTED AMONGST THE CROWD. This means that hey, you might think you’re just ordering a standard ten buck culinary delight and then… OUT COMES AN EMU SIZED SLAB OF CHICKEN AND CHEESE AND CHIPS.
He’s out of his head, I tell you. Out of his head and he cooks like a motherfucker.
Be there or die.. of sorrow.
The East Brunswick Club
280 Lygon Street
East Brunswick 3057
www.eastbrunswickclub.com
Trams 001 and 008 drop you right outside the venue.
July 1, 2006
BREAKING BIG BROTHER NEWS STORY - Ash & John Removed From House | BB06
John and Ashley have been escorted from the Big Brother house.
The official site says…
Big Brother Housemates Ashley and John were escorted from the House on Saturday afternoon following a breach of the rules. The producers Endemol Southern Star and Network Ten deemed their actions were grounds for their removal from the show. The producers will not be commenting any further on this serious matter.
“What the hell happened?” you’re no doubt asking yourself.
According to the Behind Big Brother forums, at around 4am this morning John held Camilla down so Ashley could slap her in the face with his penis. BBBA forum member yorstrooly grabbed the following (admittedly dark) screen shots of the incident.
John holding Camilla down…
Ash then slaps Camilla in the face with his penis…
Another forum member (Annie xx) nicely described the aftermath as follows…
Camilla wasn’t happy about it I know that… and she didn’t want to talk about it later.. that’s when Gaelen allegedly joked that she loved it.. and doing the licking motions.. which I personally think is bloody disrespectful.
Indeed.
Back to the official sites blurb then, eh?
In a joint statement made shortly after they left the House, Ashley and John said: “We had a great time in the house. It is unfortunate it had to end this way, but Big Brother has rules and regulations and we broke them.
“We are all very close in the house and we would never do anything to offend our fellow housemates.”
At this stage, ausculture.com is unable to confirm rumours that the entire incident was staged by John and Ashley in a sleazy but determined effort to get out of having to sit through the Rogue Traders performance tonight.
Thank you to the beautiful Tuppence for calling me and giving me the heads up. I think I screamed for ten minutes straight - sorry about your ears, lovely.
UPDATE - couldn’t add things to this post last night because Ausculture’s control panel thingo, born with an innate sense of timing, decided to die overnight.
Here’s an article from abc.net.au regarding the incident.
And another from Digital Spy… As one might expect, Trish Draper is getting herself all a-tingle with excitement and may well go on a tax payer funded holiday with whoever her current friend-with-benefits is to celebrate her good fortune once this is all over.
John’s dad and someone called Tilli (who claims to be an ex housemate… I don’t know, maybe from series two? It’s just not ringing any bells…) put in their two cents over here.
And with marvellous timing, the excerpt on the official site from Perry’s diary entry?
‘Camilla holds back, John’s a fencesitter and Ash is just Ash.’
It really is the beginning of the end for the show, isn’t it? Tuppence texted me a rumour that Big Brother will be axed and the remaining prizemoney will be split between the remaining contestants but we’ll have to wait and see.
Posted by Jess at 7:43 PM Link | Comments (332)This Is Almost Enough To Tempt Me Back To Blogging… | BB06
I mean, really…
They then talk about Limp Bizkit. “Who sang the original of Behind Blue Eyes?” asks Darren. “I think it was Bette Davis,” thinks Gaelan, “anyway it was the worst cover ever.”
Add to that a photo of John from Friday Night Games which is BEGGING for a homo-tinged Photoshopping…
… and I think I’m starting to feel the itch again, kids.
Posted by Jess at 10:01 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)June 27, 2006
That Was BUUULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
I think Donald from The Age’s forums summed it up rather eloquently.
AUSTRALIA WAS ROBED OF A WIN,AS A ENGLAND RESIDENT AND I HAVE WATCHED EVERY GAME SO FAR,THE ITALIAN PLAYER THROUGH HIMSELF TO THE GROUND,THE ARE WELL KNOWN FOR THIS WHEN THEY ARE UP TO A GOOD TEAM,WELL DONE AUSTRALIA YOU WILL BE BACK.WE LOVE THE OZZYS,FOR YOUR GREAT SPORTMANSHIPE.SEE YOU ALL AND MY DAUGHTER IN DEC.
Posted by: donald at June 27, 2006 03:20 AM
Australia salutes you and your daughter, Donald.
(sniffle)
Posted by Jess at 3:40 AM Link | Comments (21) | TrackBack (0)June 23, 2006
I’m Sorry… It’s Not You, It’s Me.
To those of you out there who care - gimme a week or so and hopefully I’ll rediscover my blog mojo.
PS: Straight Pride, you silly cock-in-vadge enthusiast, this site LOVES The Gays. Hush with your ignorant bleatings.
PPS: Rock & Pop Culture Trivia starts at The Corner Hotel this Wednesday night from 7.30pm. There’s a $12 parma-n-pot deal happening too. SWEET! Dave the Scot and I will be hosting it so prepare yourselves…
PPPS: And The East’s So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia continues every Tuesday night from 7.30pm and you can get delicious ten buck parmas there which are WELL worth the moolah. Come and join yours truly and George H for a night of raucous idiocy and beverage supping, why doncha?
Posted by Jess at 9:55 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)June 21, 2006
TONIGHT.
Tonight I’ll be hosting the Women On The Line Trivia Night, which is raising money for the 3CR Radiothon. I am a bit sick today but will Strepsil the fuck out of it and hopefully things will kick on in a satisfactory style. Please come along if you can make it.
In other news - James Blunt song wakes girl from coma?
Funny, his music has the opposite effect on me*.
(snicker)
*Cheap and obvious, I know. But bugger it, I’m sick. PITY ME!
Posted by Jess at 3:29 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)June 17, 2006
ARGH!
I’ve been a bad, bad blogger, I know!
The internet disappeared for a few days (AGAIN) and there’s been other stuff happening which has kept me busy so I apologise. What is worse though is that I am away this weekend, and then will be spending Sunday night with my dear Sydney friend Nic doing something non-Big Brotherly so I am really not going to be any use to anyone until next week.
I hope you can forgive me.
Here are some things you should be aware of by now (abridged).
- Katie and Jamie up for nomination on Big Brother? FUCK UP, SOOKS! Honest to god, you’d think they were the first people to ever be put up for eviction. “Everyone hates us! I’m used to being popular! They’re all fakers! I want to walk out of the house!” - sweet jesus, enough of the Sharna-ing and just get on with things, would you? David was going to be the sure-fire evictee but after JamKat’s irritating teary meltdowns this week, anything could happen.
- Yes, I hate myself for using the term “JamKat”.
- Watch Britney’s interview with “Matt Lauer”. And marvel at her use of “air quotation marks”. She’s country, y’all! Also - I feel a bit sorry for the poor love.
- And here’s a transcript of the above interview if you’re on dial up and can’t download festively plump files.
- Oh Sandra Bernhard, you’re a fiery ol’ minx, aren’t you?
- MAKE SURE YOU WATCH NEIGHBOURS OVER THE NEXT THREE WEEKS, PEOPLE WITH A SOUL.
- Speaking of which, what madcap scrapes will the Timmins family get into next? Chortle.
- Naughty, Boy George. Why don dey jus coll him Girl George und get rid of da confooshun?
- So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia continues this Tuesday night from 7.30pm at The East. Our charming bad-joke-loving chef loves nothing more than knocking up a truckload of parmas for your digestive pleasure so do order one of the ten dollar variety, eh?
- And if you’re in the Richmond area and keen on rock’n’roll\pop-culture related trivia, we’ll have something to announce in the next week which should please you greatly.
- More shenanigans from the Big Brother UK house. ARF!
- Scientology is gay? Don’t tell Jenna Elfman that, you shameless babyraper.
So.
Let me apologise once again for being a dreadful blogger and leaving the place for a few days whilst I got my shizzle together but next week things should return to normal.
Oh, and as for Big Brother’s Sunday night eviction? As I mentioned before, I won’t be able to watch it and I suspect most members of the MBBS will be too fragile to provide a guest post summary, so please fill me in on anything good\bad\hilarious that happened during the show right here in this thread.
Be good - or not - and I’ll catch you when I return from the countryside.
Posted by Jess at 4:20 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)June 11, 2006
“Big Brother… Is Confiscating… The Apple Crumble… And… The Cream…”
“The apple crumble… was delicious…”
WHY IS BIG BROTHER UK NOT BEING SHOWN HERE?
Posted by Jess at 9:25 PM Link | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)June 10, 2006
A Gentle Breakfast.
REASONS WHY SEEING GENTLE BEN & THE HICKS THIS MORNING WAS BAD
- Close proximity to performers makes subtle ogling difficult.
- Oh, who am I kidding?
REASONS WHY SEEING GENTLE BEN & THE HICKS THIS MORNING WAS DELICIOUS
- Free entry (HA! to the folk who paid to see SixFtHick at The Tote last night).
- Spanglish breakfast (eggs, bacon, tomato, baked beans and choritzo) certainly hits the spot.
- Coffee? Three please.
- And a Bloody Mary wouldn’t go astray.
- Who’s that in the next booth? Oh, JUST GENTLE BEN AND HIS GLASS-CUTTING CHEEK BONES. Drool.
- They’ve decided to perform. How pleasant.
- There is not one solitary soul standing between myself and Gentle Ben & The Hicks.
- Gentle Ben is writhing around on the floor at my feet. Charming. I shall sup my Bloody Mary and pretend that I’m not planning our first few Christmases together as a young married couple in Far North Queensland.
- GENTLE BEN HAS NOW PUT HIS PERT LITTLE BOTTOM ON OUR TABLE.
- GENTLE BEN IS PUTTING PEPPER, SALT AND SUGAR ON HIS PERT LITTLE BOTTOM ON OUR TABLE.
- GENTLE BEN HAS CLUTCHED MY CIGARETTE PACK IN HIS FIRM MANLY HANDS AND TAKEN ONE OF MY WINFIELD GREYS OUT!
- GENTLE BEN HAS PUT MY CIGARETTE DOWN HIS PANTS.
- In some remote African villages, this would mean we are bethrothed you know.
- And as if that wasn’t enough…
- GENTLE BEN GIVES ME BACK THE CIGARETTE WHICH HAS BEEN LIVING DOWN HIS SEXY PANTS, SMILES AND SAYS “IT’S STILL GOOD”
- Hell yeah it’s still good. I don’t know whether to frame it or use it to perform a voodoo love ritual.
Matador’s Breakfast at The Spanish Club? We salute you for serving up scrumptious food and rockstars on a chilly Saturday morning.
Your move, Marios.
Posted by Jess at 1:16 PM Link | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)June 8, 2006
Something To Do On Friday Night, Party People!
If you wonderfully social folks at home (Melbourne edition) have no plans on Friday 9th June, then why not get yourself along to this “do” for IsNot Magazine…
Although I will be unable to personally attend due to my weekly Friday doorbitching commitment, I thoroughly recommend you go on my behalf. Any shindig which can boast its own dancing yeti gets three thumbs up from me.
Proper posting and other exciting stuff coming soon.
Posted by Jess at 2:42 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)June 6, 2006
Never Say We Don’t Listen To Our Readers.
So. You all know of the dramas we’ve been having with our email for most of the year, right? Good. Well, I am now attempting to play catch-ups and attend to every whim ausculture.com’s beloved viewers have.
Bryan sent us the following email at the beginning of May…
JESS,
(he shouts to get your attention), you call yourself ausculture, why the obsession with alian personalities.
I can just about stand the overwhelming reportage on BB06 but where is the real OZ culture.
where is the surfing news
where is the action in the B&S scene
what is happening in toorak
is there anything at all interesting in bundoora
here i am preparing a meal for my young bloke and starved for a relationship (no matter how tenious) with something other than nappies and all i get is american personalities (and BB06)…enough pleeeease
spread you wings, tell us poor at home folks what is going on
bpb
Time to get to it then, I suppose. I will attempt to meet your needs, dear Bryan, in the best way I know how (ie. half arsed). I am pretty much ignorant when it comes to things I can’t read about in NW Magazine so please bear with me.
SURFING NEWS
It is best to surf at the beach, as rivers are without waves and boring. Most people like to go to the beach in summer because it’s hot and the water is refreshing but sometimes surfers go to the beach in winter because the waves never take a holiday (LOLOLOL WTF!!1!). Surfers wear wetsuits to stay warm and occasionally urinate all over themselves while floating in the water. Continuing to catch waves\pee on themselves during the winter period means that surfers remain fit and attractive all year long. If you are from the East Coast of Australia and facing north, just turn right and walk for a while and you’ll find a beach to hang some gnarly waves in the green room tubes. Or something like that. If you are on the West Coast of Australia and facing north, you can do the same thing but it’ll take much, much longer.
HERE ENDETH AUSCULTURE’S SURF REPORT.
THE B&S SCENE
As long as the whipping occurs between two or more consenting adults, I see no problem with… (phone rings) Erm, hello? Huh? OH! (hearty chuckle) I always get those two things confused. No worries. Okay. Thanks for calling. I love you too, Angelina… (hangs up)
Ahem. B&S (aka Bachelor & Spinster) balls are where underage boarding school kids go to hang out and touch each other during their holidays. It is obligatory to wear at least three items from the RM Williams catalogue and drink Bundy rum until you pass out\throw up all over yourself\both.
Sometimes adults attend these events but only to compare the different styles of “I Shoot & I Vote” stickers which are usually plastered all over the back of their utes. I know all of this because I went to school with country girls who swore like sailors, drank like fish and thus were ladies after my own heart. However, I suppose I should get more information from an external source for you so please check out this link. The whole site is thoroughly educational but I did enjoy the following bit…
“BnS Balls are aimed at single blokes and sheilas. Why? Because they make the ultimate bloke or chick outing! If you’ve never been to one then people will call you a B&S virgin! When at the B&S you should tell everyone you’re a B&S virgin and everyone will give you presents! Write ‘VIRGIN’ on the back of your shirt.” - oddly enough, whenever I walk around town with VIRGIN plastered on the back of my shirt, no one gives me presents. Unless you count pitying looks as presents. And I fucking don’t, you tightarses.
Here are some people enjoying themselves at a B&S ball.
In short, I would like to attend one of these as soon as possible and I hope this has been a learning experience for you city kids.
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN TOORAK?
This is a tough one for me. I live north of the Yarra and have been informed by all my friends (who live north of the Yarra) that anything south of the Yarra is absolute pants and I should have nothing to do with it. And while I’m overusing the word - Yarra. Yarra? Yarra.
But I Googled “toorak” and was directed to this lovely site. I have grown as a person since reading it and also, I am unsure if it’s a pisstake or not. Nonetheless, Lillian Frank appears to live there and as I said to Lill once, I said “Lill? You are fabulous darling”. So I shall answer your question as to what’s happening in Toorak with an excerpt from her Lillian’s Say column from the Toorak Village site…
Is Art Sexy Enough?
Now that’s a leading question, posed by the Peter Mac Art Committee. The moderator: Leo Schofiled. The panelists: Tottie Goldsmith, Stewart MacFarlane, Mirka Mora, Robert Nelson, Michael Shmith, Jason Smith, Dr Gerard Vaughn and Robin Wallace-Crabbe. In a display of excitement and enthusiasm a zealous member of the panel, Mirka Mora exposed her bare bosoms and tried to get her competing panelist Tottie Goldsmith to take her black camisole off. Michael Shmith came to the rescue but alas both fell off stage with Michael nursing a sore head for the rest of the evening. …At least the fun and frivolities produced coppers for the Cancer Hospital!
That Mirka, what a card! In short, in Toorak there are rich people who are getting blind drunk on champagne and attempting to rip clothes of each other to raise money for charity. The way God intended it.
Oh, and you can also pay Lillian to do your hair.
IS THERE ANYTHING INTERESTING IN BUNDOORA?
I’ve got to be honest, I don’t know much about Bundoora. I know the #86 tram ends up there, and I think there’s a uni around that area but that’s about where my knowledge stops. Google does indicate there are at least three golf courses though, so that’s nice.
And there you go. Hopefully we scratched all your web-itches, Bryan. I shall try to write less about Big Brother and more about other stuff from here on in.
x
PS: The more I look at that photo from the B&S ball, the more I’m convinced I DID go to school with the girl in it! Posted by Jess at 3:18 AM Link | Comments (20) | TrackBack (0)
Don’t Feel Bad About Watching BBUK Clips, Okay? | BB06
Those of us who fancy ourselves as Big Brother fans (in the hip, cool, detached and thoroughly un-bogan sense) may be feeling as though we’re being disloyal to Big Brother Australia by spending our spare time on YouTube.com, desperately hunting down videos of funny and slightly unhinged British housemates.
But my fellow obsessives and I have discussed the issue and we’ve concluded that our blossoming relationship with Big Brother UK something we should NOT be made to feel guilty about. To paraphrase* a certain movie I’m quite partial to using as my guidebook to life - if Kris Noble ever pulled me up on it, I’d say…
“You count the damn few times you’ve given me amazing housemates in nearly six years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on - and then you ask me about Big Brother UK and tell me you’ll kill me for needing somethin’ I don’t hardly never get.”
*I also am recycling something said on email discussions. But I think we can all get something from it.
Posted by Jess at 2:57 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Have You All Seen The Pics Of Ashlee Simpson’s New Nose?
If not, here you go…
(Via Egotastic! - and a nice comparison of the new honker to the nose of yesteryear can be found here.)
Posted by Jess at 2:37 AM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)The Right Wingers Are Going To Love This* | BB06
In the yard the conversation turned to politics. Claire admits she votes Green because: “I’m not educated enough to make a decision.”
*Or they would if they had managed to take time out of their busy days punching old people and children in order to peruse the Big Brother site’s diary and read the above extract.
Posted by Jess at 2:32 AM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Evictions, Big Brother UK and Other Things… | BB06
As you all know by now, Sunday night’s evictees from the Big Brother house were Dino and Jade. Not entirely unexpected, but their departures should change the dynamic of the place to a certain extent and I guess that’s a good thing. I doubt the lack of Dino will lead to John getting it on with Danielle but you never know.
I had more to say about the evictions but I’m a bit tired so I hope you forgive me.
Meanwhile, keep watching the clips from the UK Big Brother show. Pete & Nikki forevs!
Off topic, So You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia continues tonight (Tuesday) at The East Brunswick Club from 7.30pm. Come along. And if you do, say hello - I am suspiciously pleasant (according to my mother).
PS: The Gretel of old returned on Sunday night, I note! Motherly comforting of the female evictee and shameless flirting with the male one. Ha!
Posted by Jess at 2:21 AM Link | TrackBack (0)June 3, 2006
Seriously. We Really Need Nikki In Our Big Brother House | BB06
Here’s the petition mentioned in the previous post in full.
To: Kris Noble, Australian Government, Whoever It Bloody Takes
We the People of Australia, in order to form a more perfect Big Brother house, establish friction, disturb domestic tranquillity, provide for the lowest common denominator, promote the general disunity, and secure the blessings of decent entertainment to ourselves and our viewing posterity, do request that Nikki from Big Brother 7 in the United Kingdom is flown to Australia post haste and immediately placed into our own Big Brother house located at Dreamworld on the Gold Coast.
It is obvious to even the most mentally challenged Big Brother viewer that we need an entertaining and borderline insane housemate to liven up the current series of the Australian show. Frankly, this year’s crop of inmates have been spectacularly disappointing. Breasty mother-daughter duos? Extras from the classic Jim Henson flick The Dark Crystal? An overly verbose wanker with grandiose dreams of becoming the Big Brother house’s very own Professor Moriarty but who succeeded only in cementing his reputation as an arseclown and hiding a few toothbrushes?
If it wasn’t for the handsome gay and JamKat (a hideous moniker used to describe a romantic couple in the house - a blonde insecure surf-loving virgin and an odd sounding Swayze look alike with a heart of gold and what appears to be a third leg), we might as well start reading books for entertainment, or helping out charitable causes.
WHERE IS THE COMEDIC GENIUS? WHERE IS THE COMPLETELY MENTAL AND THUS WONDERFUL HOUSEMATE?
I’ll tell you where - she’s in Britain, and as god is my witness, I shall not rest until she is flown out to Oz and thrust into the Big Brother house, where she’ll no doubt fire up immediately over the rationing of food, lack of alcohol and being “cooped up like a chicken” in a strange country.
http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/housemates/housemate_news.jsp?id=16
So, Kris Noble, we’re going to have to insist you make this happen. After spending the last few years recruiting housemates from tacky Queensland nightclubs where they’ve been earning a pretty penny wearing skimpy outfits and encouraging dribbling punters to buy Vodka Cruisers in order to get their hands on a free trucker cap, you owe us this at least.
Please see the following clips for further proof Nikki should - nay, MUST - be put into the Australian Big Brother house.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLYsO_r3wiE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eOhC_vk5U4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uArpHI69yV4
Sincerely,
The Undersigned
So get off your booty and sign the petition, Big Brother lovers. It’ll take five seconds. GARN!
Posted by Jess at 8:58 PM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)June 2, 2006
Nikki Just Gets Better & Better - So Sign Our Petition! | BB06
You remember Nikki from Big Brother UK, right?
Ms Fits keeps providing me with more and more YouTube links and to put it simply, I am obsessed with with this blonde, theatrical gem of a woman.
Watch this clip of her doing nominations. HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO GOOD?
I’ve been watching other Big Brother UK clips too, and it is bloody obvious that our own housemates are severely lacking when it comes to providing us with decent entertainment. How come we’ve missed out? DON’T WE DESERVE IT?
So I’ve snapped and started an online petition to get Nikki placed into our Big Brother house as soon as possible.
Please sign it.
Together we can make a difference.
Posted by Jess at 5:07 PM Link | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0)Camilla’s Dream Finally Comes True | BB06
Let’s start a slow handclap for dear ol’ Camilla. She’s had a hard time of it lately, what with people making her the butt of jokes and the like because she is very annoying, so it’s nice to see something go her way after all this time.
SUCK IT, TILLI - CAMILLA’S LIVIN’ LARGE!
Tongue on, moles.
Posted by Jess at 2:45 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Ausculture Email Is Back AGAIN!
(knocks on wood)
It looks like all our contact email addresses which end in @ausculture.com are back up and running. If you’ve sent an email to any of our contact addresses since late February, there’s a very good chance we never received it. In fact, if you’ve sent anything in the last month we DEFINITELY didn’t receive it.
So if you’d like to resend any queries or complaints or offers of a gazillion dollars for nothing much in particular to jess at ausculture.com, then please do. I shall address your concerns in a polite and charming manner.
Posted by Jess at 2:02 PM Link | TrackBack (0)June 1, 2006
Uncomfortable As It Makes Me Feel To Say This…
Yeah, I’d hit it.
(begins whistling Popozao in flirtacious manner)
The above pics come from a Us Weekly article where Kevin Federline declares “My kids are going to have to learn what a real job is, what life is. You don’t have it easy with me. Period….My kids are going to work at Taco Bell, dammit.”
Kev, there’s a very good chance you’ll be working at Taco Bell before too long, you virile pot-smoking scamp.
PS: I am quite enjoying witnessing the Gretel-related debate in the comments. Note that I haven’t actually weighed in myself. This is because I am a lazy lass. However, I have now seen the Monday night footage and am almost tempted to throw in my two cents regarding the Nominations show “incident”… I say almost because it’s sort of interesting having my stance on Vinegar Tits Killeen versus Cockspank Michael stoush assumed. Mwahahaha.
Posted by Jess at 10:35 AM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)May 31, 2006
Helllooooooo!
Sorry for disappearing for a while, kids. There are perfectly good reasons behind my absence from the interweb, and I shall list just a few so you understand that I am not a bad person, just unfortunate.
- NO MORE FREE WIRELESS INTERNET AT HOME.
- WORKING A FAIR BIT.
- PREPARING FOR EAST BRUNSWICK CLUB TRIVIA NIGHT.
- KNOCKING MYSELF UNCONSCIOUS AND POSSIBLY HAVING CONCUSSION.
How can we fix this situation?
- SOMEONE OUT THERE MUST BE RICH, PLEASE GIVE ME MONEY.
- SOMEONE OUT THERE MUST BE RICH, PLEASE GIVE ME MONEY.
- PREPARE EARLIER AND WITH MINIMAL EFFORT.
- IF I COULD REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED, I WOULD AVOID DOING WHATEVER I DID.
I jest about the East Brunswick Club thing. Last night was the kick off and it seemed to go quite well, so much thanks to all the spunks and spunkettes who came down to feast on cheap parmas and hear daft impersonations of Heath Ledger in between questions.
ANYWAY.
Michael’s gone, eh? Thank god for that. As many of you have pointed out in the comments, Gretel sure didn’t like him very much and this was quite obvious on Sunday night. Generally when the public loathe an evictee, Gretel goes out of her way to be a bit gentle with them as lord knows they’re going to cop what they deserve from all other directions as soon as they leave the confines of Dreamworld. So I think it says a lot about Michael’s irritating arsehattery that even Gretel couldn’t stay nice for long and had to chastise him sharply a few times on the eviction stage.
As for the Monday night Nominations appearance, well - I’m ashamed to say I had a meeting on that night and I couldn’t catch the show, but I received an SMS saying “Gretel went Michael in a manner that was absolutely BREATHTAKING” so more fool me for missing out, eh? Is there any YouTube footage of it floating about? Did any of you tape it? Please help a sister-girlfriend out, yo.
The beautiful Tuppence sent me a link to this news story today, and I note that Gringo has also made mention of it in the comments… Lefty Tim is now dating Karen? I hope after everything we’ve been through, Timmy, you’ll give the scoop to ausculture.com rather than our chums at Sydney Confidential.
And I know we’re all a bit partial to this year’s UK Big Brother - Ms Fits is pushing it like a cheap drug on all and sundry - so you can imagine my excitement when one of my oldest, dearest friends sent me an email saying -
Keep an eye on UK Big Brother. Someone from our (YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW) days is a ‘reserve’ housemate and may well be an intruder. He may not go in (although he said that he was told he’d go in at ‘some point’), but has done the photo shoots, signed the confidentiality agreements, etc etc
Sweet.
Finally, tonight Clem and I are going to have an all Australian special episode of I’d Rather Jack from midnight until 2am on RRR (102.7). Our second half of the night will be dedicated to the Top Ten Aussie Pop Songs, so any suggestions as to what should be included would be much appreciated.
I’ll be back as soon as I can, dear hearts x
Posted by Jess at 3:58 PM Link | Comments (24) | TrackBack (0)May 26, 2006
This Is What Our Big Brother House Is Missing… | BB06
Watch this video.
And then this one.
It’s footage from the new series of Big Brother UK - and you won’t be disappointed watching it. The first clip is of a housemate named Nikki’s introductory package. The second is of the same lass having a tantrum only a few days into the show.
“I actually feel like… I’m gonna… DIE… I need water… I’m not drinking that tap stuff, it’s f-f-f-f….. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. And I don’t think you should put water on our shopping li - I actually don’t have the energy to talk to you, I feel so dehydrated and light headed. I feel light headed, that’s what I feel. (dramatic sigh)”
Nikki is AMAZING - crying over having to drink tap water? Her hissy fit is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen and I say that with no exaggeration.
Thanks to Ms Fits for sending me the links. And happy birthday too, beautiful lady x
Posted by Jess at 5:50 PM Link | Comments (67) | TrackBack (0)May 24, 2006
Apple Martin Salutes You, Ginger Spice.
Why’s that, you ask?
Thanks to Geri Halliwell, Apple’s reign as the most bizarrely named baby in the current crop of celeb sprogs has finally ended, and about bloody time too. Apple’s cute as a button and I am FED UP with trashy tabloid types taking the piss out of her.
So where was I? Oh yes, Geri has decided to name her baby Bluebell Madonna.
Bluebell Madonna.
Still with me?
B-L-U-E-B-E-L-L M-A-D-O-N-N-A.
There is logic behind the bestowing of such a moniker on something you are supposed to love and cherish, of course. Says Geri…
…Ginger Spice, 33, told Hello! magazine she’d been inspired by seeing the spring flowers during her pregnancy.
“But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare, so it’s precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter,” Halliwell was quoted as saying.
Halliwell said she had chosen the middle name in honor of one of her heroines.
“As she came out of my tummy, Bluebell had both arms flung wide in the air as if announcing to the world, `Hi! I’m here!’” the magazine quoted Halliwell as saying.
“She was screaming her head off, as though she was shouting, `Hello, Wembley!’ No one else has that name, apart from the Virgin Madonna and the singer, whom I love.”
Nicely done, Ms Halliwell. Next step in crawling up Madonna’s arse will no doubt be the sudden appearance of a red string bracelet - assuming Geri isn’t already a follower of Kabbalah.
And hey, if things don’t work out there, she can join the newest, hottest religion on the block - the worship of Sean Preston Federline!
Posted by Jess at 2:30 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Hillary Clinton’s iPod Playlist.
It’s always nice discovering what politicians like to listen to when they’re “chilling out”, don’t you think? news.com.au reports the following about the former First Lady of the United States…
HILLARY Clinton is the latest US politician to reveal her iPod playlist, calling it a “smorgasbord”, with the Beatles and Rolling Stones featuring heavily.
The senator and former first lady is a big fan of U2’s Beautiful Day, which she plays before delivering speeches, The New York Post reported.
Hey Jude is a favourite track on the digital music player - a white one - she got as a birthday present from husband Bill Clinton last October. Aretha Franklin’s Respect heads the Democrat star’s 1000-strong tracklist.
“I’ve got everything - a total smorgasbord,” Senator Clinton said. “I’m a child of the 60s and 70s.”
I wonder what songs feature heavily on John Howard grammaphone iPod, assuming he owns such high falutin’ technological device? Any guesses?
Big Brother Conducts Intelligence Testing, The Results Are No Surprise | BB06
From the official diary…
“Where would you wear an akubra?”
John: head.
Correct.
What is Australia’s largest bird?
John: Eagle.
Incorrect.
Jade: Emu (she sings).
Correct.
Olly, Milly and Syd were the mascots for which sporting event?
Jade: The Sydney Olympics (singing again).
Correct.
Who was Australia’s first Prime Minister?
John: Bartman.
Incorrect.
Jade: Sir Edward Bartham.
Incorrect.
Ashley: Bob Hawke.
Incorrect.
What is 8x9?
John: 72.
Correct.
Spell Daiquiri.
John: Dacery.
Ashley: Dacqery.
Jade: Dakery.
Krystal tries to spell in sounds: “Der, Ah, Ker…”
Whats J-Lo’s fragrance called?
Krystal: She’s got two, One’s Glow, One’s Miami and One’s Live
Correct
Name all the seven dwarves.
Krystal: Sleepy, Gullible?
John: Dopey, Sleepy, Loudey, Snoozy, Cheesy, Dewey and Louie.
Ashley: Dopey, Stupid, Inconsiderate, Illiterate.
Incorrect.
What is the name of Britney Spears’ baby?
Ashley: Christian.
Incorrect.
Where is the Great Wall of China?
Krystal: China.
Correct.
What is Australia’s floral emblem
Ashley: an Emu and a Koala.
Incorrect.
“Bob Hawke”, “Der, Ah, Ker…” and Australia’s floral emblem being “an Emu and a Koala” are the obvious highlights, in my humble opinion.
Posted by Jess at 12:07 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)May 23, 2006
For Absolutely No Reason Whatsoever III…
I’ve got to stop right-clicking-and-saving all the animated gifs I see on MySpace.
Posted by Jess at 10:29 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)The Art Of The Witty Riposte
I’m not much of a wisecracker, and I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I always welcome any insight into the way a razor sharp brain works. So you can imagine how thrilled I was to watch a clip on the news tonight of our beloved Prime Minister making with the pithy quips during his trip to Ireland.
JOE HIGGINS, IRISH SOCIALIST MP
“The Australian Prime Minister, Mr. Howard, is not welcome in Ireland. Prime Minister Howard is a warmonger, complicit with Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair in the criminal invasion of Iraq and compliant with the ongoing occupation of Iraq, with Australian troops in that country. Prime Minister Howard is the author of vicious, anti-trade union legislation designed to strip away workers’ rights which were hard won by the Australian working class over many generations. During the Australian general election of 2001, in order to win votes from an entrenched bigoted minority, Prime Minister Howard pedalled the monstrous falsehood that desperate refugees fleeing Iraq had thrown their children over the side of a ship as they were prevented from landing in Australia by the Australian navy. When it was proved that this was a vicious lie, he did not retract it or apologise.”
JOHN HOWARD, AUSTRALIAN P.M
“The Irish brought many things to Australia, and one of them was dissent. Heh. Heheheh… Heheheheh…
(wheezing evil snickering at own cleverness to fade)
The most important lesson I’ve learned from the above is to ensure I bother to take a “time out” after exchanging verbal jousts with a foe to smirk in a creepy fashion and titter with pleasure at my repartee in the manner of a self-satisfied weasel.
And I’ve spent a lot of time with self-satisfied weasels. I volunteered at an Anthony Robbins conference which was geared toward rodents, and let me tell you - you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a stoat create breakthroughs, move beyond fears and limiting beliefs, accomplish goals and realise true desires, turn dreams into reality, create fulfilling relationships, and model the strategies of peak performers to produce a quantum difference in their life.
Posted by Jess at 8:50 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)May 22, 2006
East Brunswick Club Trivia & Parma Night
Hold onto your hats, assorted misfits, cos what I’m about to tell you is QUITE LITERALLY going to make your brains explode with joy.
ARE YOU FO SHIZZ?
Word to yo mutha.
Kicking off on Tuesday the 30th May, the East Brunswick Club will begin hosting a weekly trivia night at 7pm for all the sexy punters (ie: YOU) out there who are quizmatically inclined.
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT… ALFIE?
Chortle. Go you and your cult movie quote remembering self*. Well, since it’s yet to be written I cannot guarantee anything but isn’t that the way you free spirited coolsie kids prefer things? ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN. Also, it’ll probably centre on rock’n’roll, general pop culture and maybe, just maybe, the mating rituals of the Gulf of California’s blue-footed booby.
That’s a bird, you perverts. Look it up.
SEVEN PM? BUT DAT BE DIN DIN TIMES. NO THINKY WHEN TUMMY RUMBLE BANG DRIBBLE…!
Fear not, odd sounding chum. Not only will there be trivia to keep you amused and/or educated, but the kitchen will be serving up TEN DOLLAR CHICKEN PARMAS!
ALRIGHT, YOU’RE TAKING THE PISS WOMAN!
I swear on all that is good and holy in the world (Mia Cartwright-Hewitt et all), everything I tell you is true. And the parmas at The East are feckin superb too. Your stomach will thank you later, you can quote me on that.
WHO WILL HOST SUCH A DAZZLING EVENT?
Not since Andrew O’Keefe, Rove McManus and Eddie McGuire teamed up to host the 2005 Logie Awards has the entertainment world seen such a dynamic collaborative force… yes, George H (of Hair Of The Dog @ The Empress fame) and yours truly (of no fame, but boy - can I down a pint of beer in one gulp! Watch me go!) will take you on a mental adventure so intensely pleasurable, you may as well be in goddamn Kubla Khan.
I just wanted to sound smart and make a Coleridge reference but we both know that analogy was rather bloody awful. Don’t look at me.
I MISS DAVE THE SCOTSMAN ALREADY.
Sniff. Dave’s hosting magic will be sadly missed, I concur, but he’ll be there in spirit. And possibly in chains, from time to time, if he falls for the old Rohypnol-in-the-Guinness trick. Meanwhile I shall endeavor to be half the man he is. And maybe steal his fiancé should the mood take me.
SO STOP BLABBING AND SUMMARISE POST HASTE.
EBC Rock & Pop Culture Trivia
(aka So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt?)
7pm each Tuesday night starting from May 30th.
@
East Brunswick Club
280 Lygon Street
East Brunswick 3057
www.eastbrunswickclub.com
1 and 8 trams should drop you right outside, if I’m not mistaken. HANDY!
Be there or be punched in the face by me (emotionally) next time I see you.
PS: I will have inevitably buggered up some or all of the information contained in this inexplicably long post so I apologise in advance and shall post corrections later should it be necessary.
*Course, I shamelessly stole the idea of using that line in such a comedic manner from the beautiful - and now frighteningly zombie-like on her MySpace profile - Clem Bastow.
And there you have it.
Posted by Jess at 10:41 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Tonight’s Nomination Show… | BB06
Three things of note so far…
ASHLEY’S NEW HAIRCUT
Well, hellooooooo sailor! Sure, you’re thick as pigshit most of the time but your newfound prettiness means you can stick around another week or two. Trust me, my middle names are “Legion Interactive”.
MICHAEL CONTINUES TO SUCK COCK IN HELL!
Fuck me dead, could you be THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH? Some people - NOT ME - put the extremely cocklord-like behaviour you’d exhibited during this season of the show down to you being appointed the Insider. But tonight you proved that deep down you really are just a shockingly repugnant rimlicking gibbon-molesting festering boil on the arse of humanity. Or something along those lines. Can next week’s task be Make Michael Cry Like A Little Girl?
GRETEL KEEPS IT REAL!
“Don’t we have any homies here? We normally do!”
God love you, Gretel.
Posted by Jess at 9:50 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)HMMMMMPH! | BB06
Very interesting.
(It is quite possible - nay, likely - we share the same insider but still. Remember you heard it here first!)
Posted by Jess at 9:03 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Further To Yesterday’s Eurovision Post…
So by now you all know the winners of Eurovision were these delightful looking people…
… who represented Finland and go by the name Lordi. And wasn’t their tune “Hard Rock Hallelujah” a corker? They were the only entrant to get FULL MARKS from me at last night’s knees-up over at Will Fop’s place.
Other highlights from the evening were (and I shall pilfer quotes shamelessly from Will’s AMAZING printable form guide which is sadly too large for me to put online in all its majesty):
MOLDOVA - I like any song with lyrics like “Hey, loco, please espera un poco. I will give you my choko. Do you want it or not?”
LATVIA - Bugger the a cappella stuff, I was more impressed by their use of a magic robot. Completely bizarre and superfluous and therefore thoroughly brilliant.
SPAIN - They were my country and I had high hopes but really, were they even trying? They spent most of the song lazily spinning around in chairs you could pick up in Office Works for under twenty bucks. Let me assure you, Las Ketchup, standing up once during a three minute tune, doing one lap around a microphone stand and then sitting back down again DOES NOT constitute dancing. That said, this section is about highlights and I DID enjoy hearing the bit “Duty free! Duty free! Duty FREEEEEEEEE!” in your song Bloody Mary.
GERMANY - Awww, fronted by an Aussie lass and all. I’m surprised this syrupy little faux-country pop number didn’t do better than it did, but my understanding is that immigration and Eastern Bloc countries are to blame. Or something.
RUSSIA - Oh, isn’t Dima Bilan a handsome young thing never mind the mullet? And as Will pointed out in his form guide, Dima had “a comedy woman who pops out of a piano” which really made the whole performance.
CROATIA - I really liked this song, but mostly because there was a bit in it which sounded like the singer was saying “When it is in my butt, that’s when I come…”
TURKEY - The dancers were hot. The end.
Oh, and the party itself was ace - I fell in love with about five handsome gay men (CURSES, FATE!) and enjoyed wolfing down the Eurovision themed food selection.
MARVEL AT WILL’S LITTLE FINNISH CAKES!
GASP AND APPRECIATE THE NORWEGIAN ‘FISKEFARSE’!
Be sure to tune in the RRR (102.7FM in Melbourne, or stream from rrr.org.au) on Wednesday night from midnight to hear Will “on air” discussing the highs and lows of this year’s competition with the explosive CLEMBASTOW and yours truly. We’ll rock out with our cocks out to Hard Rock Hallelujah too.
PS: Kicking off on Tuesday May 30th, a rock and pop culture related weekly trivia night will begin at the East Brunswick Club. More information will be posted on here shortly.
Posted by Jess at 4:43 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)May 21, 2006
Eurovision 2006 (Aka No Big Brother Blogging This Evening)
Tonight I shall be attending a rather exclusive shindig over at Will Fop’s place and watching Eurovision. As you can imagine, it takes a lot for me to voluntarily miss out on a Big Brother eviction, but such is Will’s passion for international pop’s night of nights, there was simply no way I could miss his “do”.
He has informed me that…
a) EUROVISION IS HIS MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS SO NO ONE CAN FUCK TONIGHT UP!
b) Thus all attendees must represent a country and bring a native dish. I am representing Spain, for whom the lady group Las Ketchup are performing on behalf of, and taking with me a bit of Spanish chocolate. I hope this will suffice or else there is not a doubt in my mind I will be stabbed to death.
c) Attendees must arrive between 6:15pm and 6.30pm. NO EARLIER, NO LATER. Mummy, I’m scared.
d) No one can leave before 10.30pm as this will ruin Monsieur Fop’s centralised scoring.
e) The centralised scoring will involve attendees giving each country a mark out of ten for various categories including Appeal to Gays & Children, General Jauntiness and Hair & Make Up.
f) I was told yesterday that Ms Fits would be allowed to text me once - at 8.05pm precisely - to give me a Big Brother update. Checking my phone at any other time will result in being escorted from the premises.
g) But then today he rang and instead requested she make contact only when Romania is performing. After I let her know the change of plans, Ms Fits replied “How the fuck am I meant to know when that is? Honestly…”
h) And now I feel like a pop culture latch key kid. WHY AM I STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS?!
(weeps quietly)
Regardless, I’m sure the night will be wonderful but I will require you all to let me know what happened, visual highlights, and various hilarious quotes from the Big Brother eviction evening in the comments, if you don’t mind. Thank you very much!
PS: Will is now again on the phone saying “Change of plans. Ms Fits may text at 8.15pm, and then you will give the room a speech describing the results. It will be just like crossing to Angela Bishop. And remember - no texting other than then, I do NOT want to see ANY frantic thumb action from you.”
Hold me. Also, I’m a bit pumped. More later.
Posted by Jess at 7:51 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)May 20, 2006
For Absolutely No Reason Whatsoever II…
Hypnotic, non?
Posted by Jess at 7:13 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)For Absolutely No Reason Whatsoever…
Where has Millsy gone? I miss his raffish charm and cheeky scamp performing style.
AUSTRALIA NEEDS ITS HOMEBRAND ROBBIE WILLIAMS BACK, PLEASE.
Posted by Jess at 5:55 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)May 17, 2006
Reasons To Love Jay Marx
I’m a bit delayed when it comes to talking about Mr Marx due to being in Big Brotherland over the past few weeks, but can all you filthy pinkos reading put your hands together for American construction working Jay Marx, please?
“John Howard, get out of Iraq!”
Not actually Jay-as-he-said-it but it’ll
help you imagine his ginger powers of Good.
BUT WHY?
Why can’t I command you people to do as I wish, like an army of evil but loyal wolverines? Good grief.
Alright, give him a “hell yeah” because…
- He shares a surname with Richard Marx!
- He heckled John Howard while the PM was verbally fellating ol’ Dubya to the press!
- He hangs out at women’s peace group meetings!
- Even though he is quite clearly a man!
- He is always willing to accept financial responsibility for any possible damage which may occur to equipment whilst fighting “The Man”.
And here he is getting arrested. Which, as all of you know, makes him extra cool and thoroughly streetwise.
“Get your hands off me, you damn dirty apes!
Also, I am not the lead singer of Nickleback
despite all appearances to the contrary.”
In other Herbie Howard Goes Bananas news, I am sure I wasn’t the only one who keenly enjoyed watching the footage of our beloved Prime Minister and President Bush planting trees in matching outfits. And when George, concentrating extra hard to ensure he didn’t mistakenly say the name “Tony” instead of “John”, began throwing inane platitudes around willy nilly to reporters whilst discussing his favourite deputy sherriff and our pint-sized leader began unconcsiously leaning in closer toward George’s mouth as Le Prez mumbled sweet nothings?
My icy leftist heart nearly fucking melted there and then.
“Tell you what… truth is, sometimes I miss
you so bad I can hardly stand it…
VIVA THE HOWARD-DUBYA MUTUAL APPRECIATION SOCIETY!
Posted by Jess at 2:56 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Could I Love David More? No, No I Couldn’t. | BB06
He was just booty dancing while singing Belinda Carlisle’s* “Summer Rain” in the bedroom.
Sigh.
Plus he and Rob seem to suspect there’s a secret gay in the house which is rather interesting.
UPLATE FOREVS!
*I am obviously repressing the fact he’s probably singing the Slinkee Minx version, but can you blame me? Slinkee Minx and ausculture.com have quite the volatile history.
Posted by Jess at 1:49 AM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)May 16, 2006
DO MY BIDDING, MERCHANDISE DEPARTMENT!
Jesus Christ. Thanks must go to reader Saurian for pointing out that the Big Brother site is now selling the Game On, Moles tshirts I planned on knocking up myself… for $44!
Slip me a tenner and I’ll write the same thing on a Bonds singlet with a posca pen and it’ll be extra special, swears.
COMING SOON TO CLOTHING NEAR YOU -
- Oatsgate underwear!
- Yay! My Vibrators! trucker caps!
- Jamie Hearts Katie headbands!
- Gretel’s Scriptwriter 4 Evs coffee mugs!
If You Are Not Watching… | BB06
… the greatest moment so far in this year’s Big Brother, then switch to Channel Ten immediately.
Michael is getting FUCKED UP and it’s genius.
More later…
UPDATE ONE Michael getting the innards ripped out of him by irate housemates leading to a full minute of bleeping because, one presumes, the language was too foul to be aired at such an early time, is one of my favourite Big Brother moments ever.
UPDATE TWO - Let’s meet the first intruder and sum her up with one line.
JADE = POOR MAN’S VESNA-CONSTANCE HYBRID
UPDATE THREE - And the second intruder…
DANIELLE = POOR MAN’S RICKI LEE COULTER
And by the way, Gretel - “cutting someone’s lunch” is a perfectly valid turn of phrase. I note that Danielle is far less of an idiot than I thought she’d be.
UPDATE FOUR - And the third intruder…
ROB = POOR MAN’S PETE BURNS
Hmmm. I actually like him a lot more than I thought I would. He has a demented grandma and he hearts Katie, which is adorable. Goodness, I think I’m going to worship him by the end of the week. But for the love of god, confiscate the man’s tweezers post haste!
Posted by Jess at 9:47 PM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)Gifts You Now Needn’t Bother Giving Britney Spears (#1)
- Fancy new 100 ft long spool of red twine.
Which really buggers up the present ausculture.com bought for Britters in anticipation of her December 2nd birthday. You see, Ms Spears-Federline has just put a post up on her official site stating…
I no longer practice Kabbalah; my baby is my religion
And thanks to her superhuman inseminator hubby Kevin, she’ll be a Polytheist in just a few months time.
Madge must be gutted at this very obvious snub.
(Via No Rock & Roll Fun)
Posted by Jess at 3:07 PM Link | TrackBack (0)May 15, 2006
Right, Here’s Your Task For The Week… | BB06
SMS “David” to 199 2SAVE.
Yours with gratitude,
Jess Ausculture
Posted by Jess at 10:54 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Poor Little Reuben… | BB06
Ex-Daddy ain’t coming home on Sunday night.
“Please don’t quit, Faux-Pops!
Quitting make widdle Roo-Roo sad!”
Still, I’ve committed to a Eurovision party this Sunday night and I’d be gutted if I were away from my MBBS peeps on the evening Michael was evicted from the house so good news all around then. Besides, after tomorrow night Michael has at the very least two weeks in the house with everyone in there knowing - and hating him for telling - the Reuben lies.
TOMORROW. NIGHT. WILL. RULE.
Posted by Jess at 10:29 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)VALIDATED BY THE OFFICIAL SITE! | BB06
Right. Game on, moles it is. Let us never speak of “molls” again!
PS: Okay, so the people behind the official site are as ignorant as me. Whatevs! As far as I’m concerned, it means they love and support me and think I am brilliant and this fact is not up for discussion.
Posted by Jess at 6:23 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Ausculture Hits The Official Forums… | BB06
After the Friday Night Live show (and let me assure you, there’s nothing like watching it with a glass of wine and six other cackling ladies screaming obscenities at the screen), my feelings of white hot loathing toward Michael were amplified after he began praying and giving God a fist-pump (not as rude as it sounds) after winning the evening’s games. When he then prayed again before picking one of three boxes to see if he’d won an overseas holiday, well - I texted my own Omnipotent Power In The Sky and gave him the heads up.
Dear God, lol chk out dat wanka! Dont let him win da priz omg or hell be an evn BIGA cunt dan eva! Pls take care o dis plz LOLOLOL chrs mate u rulez (evryfin) x
The Big Guy knows I don’t text him on his personal mobile number unless it’s important so he immediately “got on it” and ensured Michael missed out on the great prizes and instead won a Chinese laundering voucher.
Buoyed by such a pleasing result, I soon found myself on the internerd looking to vent some joy and decided to dive head first into the official site’s forums and bang out a statement regarding my feelings for Michael.
An Open Letter To Michael
HAHAHA ENJOY YOUR LAUNDRY! Suck it, you self-fellating one man %!#% jamboree - I prayed before you picked a box and clearly my god’s better than your god. EVEN THE POWERS ABOVE THINK YOU’RE AN ARSEHAT OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!
If you get down on your knees one more time, I will personally fly up to Queensland and belt the beejeezus out of your smarmy face* till you realises how irritating and irksome you truly are.
*Emotionally, of course. I don’t condone violence**
**OR DO I? I am an enigma.
I thought I sounded charming and passionate but no. Mixed reactions followed.
well arnt you a blessed soul
I THINK THEY WERE BEING SARCASTIC. Ouch.
an enigma or an enema?
HARSH! And truthfully, I am probably a little of both. Possibly leaning toward the latter after a weekend of cheese-focused binge eating (boom boom).
ausculture
I do not agree with anything you had to say, but I must admit you did have a very eloquent turn of phrase.
Actually, I do agree with one thing - I also do not condone violence.
Isn’t that sweet? Although I am an insane Tourettes sufferer and a rabid Michael-hater, our friend here managed to look past all that and find it within themselves to give me props on an “very eloquent turn of phrase”. This is just about my favourite ever forum response to one of my bleatings. I look forward to singing “Imagine” at an anti-war protest with my new web-chum in the near future.
ausculture: what a nice human being you obviously are(rolls eyes).
Just when I thought I was getting some love - BAM! Slammed down by a nicely timed virtual eye rolling.
And so endeths the tale of my first and last frolic on the official forums. I guess it’s back to the delightfully irreverent BBBA forums for me then.
FIGHT DA MAN! BBBA 4EVS!
Posted by Jess at 5:59 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Farewell, Karen! | BB06
So, it looks like ausculture.com was right - Karen, while generally considered less heinous than Camilla, was evicted last night from the Big Brother house. This leaves Krystal to run free in the house, finally out of range (except, erm, she’ll be on the telly) from her mother’s watchful and thoroughly moral eyes. Oh, I do hope it leads to some Uncut material!
Here are some random thoughts regarding the pre-eviction Daily Show…
- KATIE! Please, for god’s sake, stop doing that insecure girl thing of “You don’t like me, do you? Prove to me that you like me!” as poor old Jamie looks extremely weary. As Gretel pointed out, Jamie has been extremely patient when it comes to Katie’s lack of self-confidence, and his little talk with her beside the pool (“You’re beautiful, inside and out…”) was HEART-MELTINGLY WONDERFUL AND AUSCULTURE.COM OFFICIALLY LOVES JAMIE DESPITE HIS VOCAL AFFECTATIONS!
- Just when you think it completely impossible, Michael defies logic and acts like an even bigger tosser. When he walked into the bathroom where Katie - post-argument with Jamie - was washing her face and visibly in tears, and decided to LAUNCH INTO HIS FUCKING REUBEN SOB STORY WITHOUT EVEN ASKING HOW SHE WAS… oh lord. I would pay good money to kick him in the crotch.
- Note that they’re showing more of Gaelan these days. I suppose after the first eviction when Elise and Tilli both answered the question “Who was the funniest in the house?” with an assured “GAELAN!” and the Australian public scratched their heads and wondered “Wha? He doesn’t say anything. He’s never on screen!”, Big Brother producers decided it might be an idea to let us in on the personalities of the housemates who aren’t Insiders, world firsts or catty Frankston bitches.
- Speaking of catty Frankston bitches, I am no longer on side with Anna. I went away over the weekend with a bunch of Anna haters and I think I was brainwashed or something because I am changing my tune. Don’t get me wrong, “Game on, moles!” is still my favourite ever quote from the house and I’m still terribly enamoured of her use of “Hello, Clarice” but messing with Katie, joining Dino’s homophobe club and her proud tales of making other girls feel like rubbish in the outside world lead me to believe she’s not actually good people, people. I like that she stirs in the house but I can no longer voice public support for her. Unless she pulls out another “Game on, moles!”-esque quote in which case - welcome back to my heart, Anna!
Prepare yourselves for tonight’s nominations and Uncut episode, folks.
Posted by Jess at 4:51 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)May 12, 2006
I Am A Terrible Blogger \ Michael’s A Babydaddy Wanker | BB06
ARGH!
“Who knows where the time goes?” the Fairport Convention once asked, and I’ve got to side with the poignant fuckers. How is it already Friday? Why haven’t I been online and posting like a woman possessed? I have no real answers.
The sad thing is I won’t be around this weekend either. BUT! On Monday morning, I am starting a whole new approach to this blogging malarkey. I will bang out a post every morning without fail* - maybe even two! - and they won’t necessarily all be related to Big Brother.
But speak of the devil…
MICHAEL IS A COMPLETE ARSEHAT. Honestly, making up a story like that in order to inspire sympathy\nomination votes…
Wait, you have no idea what I’m on about? Here’s the rubbish Michael’s been telling the housemates (well, David and Dino as of last night’s Uplate at the very least) in easily digestible point form…
- Michael has, for the last eight years, believed he was the father of a small boy.
- The boy’s name is Reuben.
- Reuben is eight years old, turning nine on June 30th.
- Right before he came into the house, a paternity test proved Michael was not Reuben’s biological father.
- JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
- There now appears to be some sort of custody battle going on and there’s a chance poor little Reuben will be moving to London.
- Michael is now unsure whether to leave the house to sort the situation out or stay in and hope for the best.
- Because, you know, he always taught little Reuben how important it was not to quit anything.
- Yup, as Michael guided Reuben through such things as school work, sport and just life in general, he always hammered home “Never quit, son! Daddy is proud of you… (sniffle) I love you, little guy.”
- So you see, MIchael cannot leave the house voluntarily to go and sort this whole situation out.
- BEAUSE REUBEN’S FAITH IN HIM WOULD BE SHATTERED!
- AND LITTLE REUBEN HAS SO LITTLE LEFT TO BELIEVE IN! He may decide not to hold onto that feeelin’!
- Street light! Peeeeee-paaaaaaaaaaa-uuhhhhhh-oooooh-uuuuuuul!
- This is off-topic but check out this Journey fanfic.
- Where was I? Oh yes. Do you see? Michael cannot quit but he desperately wants to go, hence everyone must nominate him!
- FUCKWIT!
Did Michael really think such an elaborate web of lies was necessary in order to get eight people to nominate him, as per his Insider task from Big Brother? He has the words “Irritating Spankbucket” stamped on his forehead, I dare say he could have convinced eight housemates to put him up for eviction simply through continuing to let his sparkling personality run free in the house.
In any case he is clearly so enthralled by his own performance that he’s making the story more and more complicated - which, as every good liar knows, means it’s easier to get sprung. And I for one cannot wait to see the fall out if and when the other housemates discover just what a manipulative prick he is.
That said, he’s helping ensure the house isn’t quite so boring so I suppose we owe him something. A punch in the cock perhaps.
PS: Karen to go this week. This is because while she’s not as obviously offensive as Camilla, she doesn’t inspire much feeling - either positive or negative - amongst the Teenage Girl Voters. So while she won’t get as many Evict votes this week, she also won’t get as many Save votes. It was the difference in the Evict\Save votes which led to Elise being kicked out last week over Michael. Did that theory make sense? I need a cup of coffee.
PPS: This computer has no spell-check and I’m too exhausted to go over all of the above in search of typos so please just accept me as the flawed girl with a heart of gold that I am.
PPPS: I am tired because I door-bitched last night but that’s a tale for another day.
*NB: Failure should be expected.
Posted by Jess at 1:49 PM Link | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)May 9, 2006
Big Brother Related Pop Quiz | BB06
Q. WHAT DO ALL THESE PEOPLE HAVE IN COMMON?
A. THEY’VE ALL INSERTED AT LEAST ONE BODY PART INTO KATE MOSS.
That’s right, kids… David’s supermodel shag? Yes, it was everyone’s favourite charlie nuzzling celeb… Ms Kate Moss!
(phone rings)
Hello? Oh… you sure? Okay. No no, that’s fine… alright… thanks very much, fellas. That was a close one! Heh.
(hangs up)
Ahem.
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for the interruption but I needed to answer a call from ausculture.com’s solicitors, the lovely lads from Crunt, Libel & Associates. They’ve suggested I rephrase the answer to my pop quiz so if you don’t mind…
A. THEY’VE ALL INSERTED AT LEAST ONE PART OF THEIR BODY IN KATE MOSS… ALLEGEDLY.
There you have it. You heard it here first (I hope), and we grabbed the news from a reliable source who shall not be named and god help anyone who tries to make me spill my guts because I am quite prepared to self-righteously Derryn Hinch myself to the extreme. Contempt of court would be a right lark… especially if it led to me hanging out with Lillian Frank.
Posted by Jess at 11:56 PM Link | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)A Mixed Bag O’ Stuff
I have a lot to write about but due to an unexpectedly big weekend (reading the Bible loads, working in the garden and eating tofu), I am simply too shattered to go into great detail. So here is some stuff. You can click on in. Magic will happen. Trust me.
- David Beckham would like Posh to bang out another ridiculously monikered child. One without a doodle, preferably.
- I know it’s the story you’ve all been talking about and finally it’s been confirmed - Karen from BB is Troy Corser’s first cousin!
Who the fuck is Troy Corser? - And what about Tilli and Elise getting booted? WHEN WILL MICHAEL LEAVE THE GODDAMN HOUSE?!
- Did we all see the bit on Big Brother: Adults Only tonight where Jamie touched Katie’s special place?
- Well done, John Wood - it’s wonderful to see the Senior Citizens Against John Wood Society’s long reign of Logie votes dominating terror end.
- Back to Big Brother! Krystal, Camilla and Karen are up for eviction this week… Who do you think is going to go? Ms Fits reckons Camilla will be tossed out on her arse but Dirty “Premium Access” Derek is putting his money on Karen. I’m undecided for now but will let you in on my position (which you’re no doubt on the edge of your seat waiting to discover - cough) once I’ve worked out what I’d like to see happen and what I think is gonna happen.
- There’s lots more but it’s very late and I’ll get to it over the next few days.
Finally, I have some VERY VERY EXCLUSIVE Big Brother gossip which you guys are like, totally gonna like, fucking like, luuuuuurve but I must wait twenty four hours for the source to feel comfortable with it “going live” as they say in some sort of business I’m not really familiar with.
Posted by Jess at 1:40 AM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)May 7, 2006
This Woman Is A Genius
And for providing Australians with one of the greatest moments ever seen on television, today ausculture.com salutes Joan Rivers. Any woman who howls “Why the fuck am I here?” on the Logies stage and then tells Richard Wilkins “Don’t touch me!” is a goddess in my eyes.
PLEASE WORSHIP APPROPRIATELY.
Posted by Jess at 10:43 PM Link | Comments (18) | TrackBack (0)May 5, 2006
Good Lord. I May Even Start To Like Her… Part II | BB06
More from the diary…
Michael and Ashley ask Anna if she has, “got a lot of hot friends in Melbourne?”Posted by Jess at 2:25 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
“Yeah, but not for you,” she replies, looking at Ashley.
“Why not?”
“Because they’d probably rather lick a public toilet bowl.”
Good Lord. I May Even Start To Like Her… | BB06
From the official site’s diary…
Jamie and Katie move from the hot tub to the sauna. Anna pushes her face up against the window in the door of the sauna and says creepily: “Hello Clarice”.Posted by Jess at 2:19 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
It’s Time To Choose A Side | BB06
There have been intense discussions amongst those I chat to about Big Brother as to whether Camilla or Anna is the more heinous of the Dipshit Twins.
Personally, I think Anna is a bit of a sook and quite spoilt but most of her idiocy stems from insecurity. I think she feels - and perhaps rightfully so - backed into a corner by the girls of the house and she’s lashing out and bawling her eyes out at the drop of a hat. She’s painful and tedious, yes, but she’s nothing like…
THE EVIL CAMILLA. Seriously, that girl is fucking bitter. She’s manipulative, she waited just a few hours after getting back into the house before stabbing Anna - her new “friend for life” - in the back, and you can see that she’s quietly encouraging the surliness between Anna and the Krystal Massive because it takes attention off all the bitchy and PSYCHOTIC HOSE BEAST BEHAVIOUR she’s indulged in over the past week and a bit.
MsCynic has written a fine case against Camilla here. Do read it.
So tonight, the sadistic* Genny B and I were chatting on the phone and decided that we were firmly in the Team Hate Camilla camp. I’d probably give them both a slap on the face, but in Camilla’s case, I’d be wearing a diamond ring twisted around so the super-sharp stone exacted a painful punishment for her monstrously aboherent behaviour.**
Which side are you joining? Oh go on, it’s the new Team Aniston \ Team Jolie for the daft reality television consuming generation. There are some who walk this earth who find Anna to be evil incarnate but I really just can’t see it.
*Seriously. When I was waiting for my flight from Sydney to Melbourne and mentioning my ever-present fear of dying in a fiery plane crash, she began singing Shannon Noll’s “Lift” to me - except she changed the words to “I know you’re hurtin’ cause you’re not flying. Oh yes you’re dying and I ain’t crying. Ooooooh I know you’re gonna die - you’re not gonna fly, you’re gonna die! You’re gonna break a rib!”
**In the scheme of Big Brother world. Although she’d probably kick your grandmother if given half a chance. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!
PS: Oh, by the way - Claire aka Zookeeper was actually quite on the money this evening when she pointed out to Big Brother that Karen, having realised she’s got no chance of winning the money, is trying to remove all threats to Krystal’s domination of the gals - hence the extreme bitterness towards Anna and continuation of the tiresome drama. WHEN DID CLAIRE GET A BRAIN? One down, rest of the house to go…
PPS: SixFtHick show versus Flashdance\Footloose killer combo on the telly. I AM TORN!
Posted by Jess at 12:39 AM Link | Comments (21) | TrackBack (0)May 4, 2006
Stuff About Ausculture
You may have noticed that ausculture.com has been rather obsessed with Big Brother and hasn’t really blogged about anything else over the past two weeks.
Really, it’s shameful - especially considering the following.
- Suri Holmes-Cruise-a-Court Operating Thetan IV has entered the world
- Britney has managed to get knocked up again
- BRAD AND ANGELINA’S BABY IS DUE ANY BLOODY MINUTE
Full internet access at home is yet to be sorted so I don’t have much time to bang out the posts like in the olden days. So when I finally do get a moment in front of a computer, I can’t help myself - it’s all about Big Brother.
That said, proper balanced blogging really shouldn’t be too far off. The special BB06 minisite is raring to go and I just need to get my paws on a new banner for it and we’ll be set. The adorable Fluffy has kindly volunteered to knock on up but if you’ve got some sort of Photoshop skill and feel a deep burning desire within your soul to come up with a somewhat amusing 400 x 125 pixel banner for our minisite, feel free to email it to gameonmoles at gmail.com. We can have rotating banners - CAN YOU HANDLE THE EXCITEMENT?
Oh, and one day the mega pop-culture quiz’ll happen. Swears.
PS: The comments thingo is acting in a diva-ish manner as some of you may have noticed. It stalls for me as well after I hit “Post” but if I open a new window and check the site, it’s usually gone up anyway. Apologies to those having difficulties - we love feedback and appreciate everyone who takes the time to holla something in our direction so fingers crossed it sorts itself out soon. I’d fix it myself right now if I could but I am a doofus who knows nothin’ about how these things work.
UPDATE - The original email address mentioned above was getoutofmydreamsandintomypants at gmail.com but I’ve forgotten the password to that account. IDIOT! So gameonmoles it is. And I think MrLefty pointed out in a comments thread elsewhere that it should be “molls” (although in this house, “moles” is still applicable) but bugger it. That’s how I spelt the insult as a child, and if Mark from American Movie can pronounce “coven” as “koh-ven” because “kuv-en” sounds too much like “oven”, then I can get away with this.
Posted by Jess at 6:31 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Memo To Irritating Tarts | BB06
Tilli, Krystal and Camilla all agree that they won’t be hooking up with any guys in the house because they have realised they are in love with people outside the house.
Please die*.
*And by that, I obviously mean “get evicted soon”.
Posted by Jess at 6:23 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Draw Your Own Conclusions! | BB06
Welcome to a new ausculture.com Big Brother feature, where we grab various one liners from the official website’s articles and diary entries and throw them on here with absolutely no indication of the context in which they were originally used.
John has trouble getting David out of bed.
“That one’s got some funky-arse lips!”
“We are shit negotiators,” Michael and David admit…
“Can you see out of those coin slots?” he asks.
As soon as Katie tastes it she spits it out.
Ashley is in the kitchen with his pants half mast…
Gaelan and Krystal proceed to get themselves saturated.
“What are you doing?” she asks her bum.
One of the boys shouts out: “Dino’s got the hardest piff I’ve ever seen mate!”
Posted by Jess at 2:18 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Ashley Tries To Develop A Personality | BB06
Ashley takes a break from cleaning windows. He complains to Gaelan and Dino that several HMs are still sleeping. He says they’re lazy and decides he’s going to wake them up by jumping on their beds. The boys advise him against it and warn him that the sleeping HMs will only get annoyed with him. “I’m looking for it today,” says Ashley. “I want conflict today.”
Eventually he decides to follow Dino and Gaelan’s advice and let his HMs sleep. He says he doesn’t understand why BB picked on him this morning, since he’s the one who’s always cleaning and tidying. He claims that BB knows his character too well and knows that he will get “fired up” if pushed. Ashley grumbles: “He wants me to get angry.”
Eventually he decides to follow Dino and Gaelan’s advice and let his HMs sleep. He says he doesn’t understand why BB picked on him this morning, since he’s the one who’s always cleaning and tidying. He claims that BB knows his character too well and knows that he will get “fired up” if pushed. Ashley grumbles: “He wants me to get angry.”
Big Brother knows your character too well, eh Ashley? Yes, I dare say he’s worked out exactly which buttons to push in order to get a reaction out of “John”.
Posted by Jess at 2:18 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)May 3, 2006
“I Know The Line To Cross…”
Yes, Gary Glitter - clearly you do and that may indeed be the problem.
Posted by Jess at 11:43 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Oh, And The Greatest Moment In Tonight’s Daily Show? | BB06
… Anna finds out that Karen doesn’t want to share a bed with her anymore.
She quietly seethes, takes a swig from her Bacardi Breezer and hisses…
“GAME ON, MOLES!”
Just. Fucking. Brilliant. I cannot wait to get that printed onto a shirt, along with “Yay! My Vibrators!” and “Oatsgate”.
Posted by Jess at 11:38 PM Link | Comments (9)Steady On, Australia - Give Elise A Go! | BB06
According to BBBA, Elise is the favourite to be the first evictee in Big Brother for 2006 on Sunday night.
WHY IS THIS? WHY DON’T YOU LOT APPRECIATE HER?
Jesus, if David can see the good in her then we should all give her another week to endear herself to the house.
After all, she is the soy sauce in the rice. The wasabi in the sushi roll. She’s the Mr Miyagi of the show. Tthe Iron Chef of Dreamworld. She’ll Tora! Tora! Tora! her way into the nation’s heart if we just give the poor lass some time!
(God bless you David, and your adorably “cultural” choices in metaphors.)
Posted by Jess at 11:24 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)