Category: blog
October 23, 2007
Moving house…
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the “long” and “glorious” history of ausculture.com, The oldest surviving post is Email stupidity from the 28th January 2004.
Back when the site started in 2004 it was hosted on a Celeron 1000 PC in my spare room, running off a Telstra Bigpond cable connection. Now, anyone who ever owned a Celeron 1000 or who used Bigpond cable in 2004 might guess that this wasn’t sustainable for a site that gets more than one visitor a day. Since very early days ausculture.com has been getting at least two visitors a day, often as many as three.
So, some time in 2004 I moved the site over to another server where it has lived ever since more or less continuously - there were hiccups like me losing the domain but nothing major in terms of site live time.
Recently it became necessary to consolidate some hosting and so, with a certain amount of fear I undertook the task of moving ausculture.com to another server and hosting platform. Manually.
Ouch.
Moving db’s, files, mail, ftp accounts and re-installing both movabletype and the php engine that powers the homepage was an excruciating experience. Both hosts are external and I think I’ve had an ftp program running transferring files for the better part of three days (yes, I’m aware that the content pages could be rebuilt on the new server but for the blog, there’s actually quite a bit of… legacy content and I didn’t want poor old Googlebot not being able to find half of what it sees as ausculture.com.)
So, here it is. What I would call the final resting place of ausculture.com. It’s not moving from here (after all, it no longer produces content so it’s already on life support) so the site will be riding this hosting all the way to the bottom.
As a note, if anyone finds anything broken then let me know. I’m sure I missed something.
Posted by Patrick at 5:14 PM Link | Comments (2)October 14, 2007
being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB
The rest is up to your imagination. Including the answer to why Coober Pedy is so green.
October 11, 2007
Disturbing Google search phrases XI
Before I start, this does not mark a return of the ausculture.com blog. I’m simply posting another batch of these because they’re generally funny… Also, this is not Jess. Check the author.
Let’s see what we have here:
- women builders arse crack Pay attention porn site owners, it’s all about finding a niche market.
- Wayne Rooney naked I know this one was listed before but… How disturbing is it that more than one person on earth has searched for this? or that one person has twice!
- i wet myself Seriously people. Google is not your incontinence therapist, or your cleaner.
- 55 year old womnan porn Is that typo on the word “woman” due to excitement or arthritis grandma?
- fix the fence with sticky tape Tried it. Didn’t work. Maybe bubble gum?
- Still more various variations on sexual acts performed on an island. There were at least a dozen hits from that in the last month. If you feel the need to research this on the web then it’s probably not going to matter if you’re on an island or not because you’ll be crap regardless. ok?
- big denise drysdale cleavage Errr.
- seriously, your body is a fucking wonderland John Mayer is seriously fucking kicking himself that he didn’t think to embellish the lyrics like that.
- being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB Actually, no one has ever found us via that but… now that ausculture.com will soon be the only result for that search it’s only a matter of time.
And finally…
- piles fitech sex Anyone wanna have a guess at that?
April 20, 2007
The Future Of Ausculture.
I have some bad news for you, kids… Ausculture isn’t going to be updated much from here on in. The odd sporadic post perhaps but essentially it’s gonna sit pretty on the interwebs as an archive of three years of mischief. Two years of mischief actually involving the process of updating and writing new material!
OH NOES! FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I’VE GROWN ATTACHED TO YER BLATHERING!
That’s very kind of you and you shall be rewarded with a sly fondle in the not too distant future.
The good news? If you’re into Big Brother rants, Australian Idol heckling, strange YouTube footage, deep analysis of the love lives of Australian soap stars etc, I will be banging such delights out with furious daily regularity on another site from Monday onwards.
OMG! WHAT? WHERE? HUH?
You’re hearing it here first, dear readers. Through a clever combination of single entendres, emails containing nothing but photos of walruses holding/losing buckets, and seven compromising Polaroids featuring my new employer after a couple of bottles of Jose Cuervo licking liquid chocolate off the southerly cheeks of a Dutch dwarf porn star, I managed to convince someone to hire me and I will now be (un)gainfully employed as editor of Defamer Australia. This will be nice. Until I am fired.
LOL UR AN IDIOT, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS DEFAMER AUSTRALIA!!!1!
There will be on Monday, spazzguts.
WHY WOULD I GO TO DEFAMER AUSTRALIA RATHER THAN DEFAMER.COM IN THE STATES?
Well, if you loathe my particular style of interweb idiocy, you probably wouldn’t. But Defamer Australia is (hopefully) going to be the best of two blogworlds. We’ll grab the best posts from the US site and publish them on Defamer Australia (translation: we’ll sift out the Hollywood trades and industry stuff which tends to go over my head a bit but reproduce the high-larious posts about idiotic celebrities you’ve come to expect from Mark Lisanti and posse so you don’t miss out), plus we’ll have a tonne of local content.
CONTENT ABOUT JUST ABOUT THE FILM AND TV INDUSTRY, YEAH?
Nup. Here’s where the aims of the two Defamers will differ. While the US Defamer does a brilliant job of focusing on that particular niche, Defamer Australia will manically leap from topic to topic - genre to genre, skin to skin, fun to funky. We’ll not only discuss Australian showbiz as a whole and obsessively watch/review shithouse reality television programs, but we’ll also report on the occasional Australian current event/hot news item. Last but not least, we’ll also put in our two cents when it comes to overseas showbiz stuff, seasoning it with an Antipodean perspective. All in all, that’s a lot of fucking stuff to read when you’re bored at work.
YES.
(exhales)
Any questions?
Thanks to all of you who have so faithfully stuck by Ausculture since we started way back in January of 2004. Your emails and comments (and real life feedback, those of you I’ve been lucky enough to meet in the flesh), especially the support you threw my way when things were looking a bit dire last year, really meant the fucking world to me.
I’d also like to give a saucy wink to my posse of buddies in Melbourne (and Sydney!) who have so wonderfully kept me going over the past year and a half. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I can call the funniest, kindest, cleverest and most talented people in the world my friends.
VOMIT!
LOLOLOLOLOL
WHAT ABOUT THE ACADEMY?
Frankly, the Academy did fuck all for me. And don’t get me started on God…
x
Posted by Jess at 12:06 PM Link | TrackBack (0)April 18, 2007
Peaches Takes The Piss Out Of Alanis (Taking The Piss Out Of Fergie)
And all is right with the world…
PS: If you never saw the original Alanis parody, here it is.
Although darling friends of mine found the above warblings to be kinda amusing, I could never get past the fact that - despite Alanis displaying what suspiciously looks like a sense of humour - she still sounds like a cat being raped and her monotonous mewlings make me want to stab someone… anyone…
SO GOD BLESS PEACHES FOR REPRESENTIN’, YO!
Muchos thanks to the beautiful Lee Lee for the link.
Posted by Jess at 10:46 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Angry Celebrities.
I quite liked the following two examples of celebrities losing their shit at each another. It tickled my funny bone and made me feel slightly better about being forced to wake up - slightly hung-over - at 4.45am this morning.
BLOKE FROM MOGWAI RE: KEITH RICHARDS.
Hi everyone. I just woke up to find that average blues guitar peddlar and all round unlikeable London pirate-like arsehole Keith Richard snorted his dad’s ashes on a drug binge. Well done Keith, you talentless publicity hungry horrible prick of the highest order. He then goes on to say modern bands are a load of old crap. Right, but can we really listen to the opinions of a nasal cannibal?
Keith, your band are possibly the worst band in the history of human events, worse even than Placebo and The Reynolds Girls combined. Your posh English singer sings with an American accent about a load of old American prostitutes he met once and your guitar licks are Grade F. The sooner you die the quicker my Ladbrokes bet comes in between you and McCartney you old dick. I hope you kick the bucket in the most humiliating of ways, like on the toilet and then being eaten by your own dog. Stop living and give us peace you attention seeking non relevant oxygen thief.
SHARON OSBOURNE RE: JOSH HOMME.
I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick fuckin’ falls off so his mother can eat it.
Delightful.
Posted by Jess at 7:48 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)April 17, 2007
Can I Have Four Beers?
On the off chance you haven’t seen this yet, here is the best piece of comedy Will Ferrell has ever put his name to. Seriously. It’s Day Two of watching it over and over and I’m still not sick of it. ‘Pearl’ makes me want to have a child… and teach it to get angry at people for my amusement.
UPDATE - The original embedded vid was a YouTube one, but it was yanked off the YouTube site due to copyright reasons. The only way to embed the clip from its original source (Funny Or Die) without making Ausculture look as though it had been on a pie-eating binge with Warney was to make it appear in the extended blog post. I don’t know what I’m saying. The coffee is hitting me right now. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE.
POINT BEING, CLICK THE BELOW LINK, MOTHERCHUCKERS, IT’S AMAZING.
Posted by Jess at 6:51 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)April 13, 2007
Well, That’s Weird.
I’m pretty sure I’ve spent the majority of my life believing John Laws to be quite the spank lord. Lord knows I’ve found his quips in the past, in particular the ones he’s made regarding homosexuals, to be hideous and cringe worthy. But if I ran into him today, I think I’d shake his hand because he’s certainly - pleasantly - surprised me.
In response to the Prime Minister’s revolting defence of Alan Jones after the Australian Communications and Media Authority decided Jones’ abominable comments regarding Middle Eastern Australians - a spray delivered right before the Cronulla riots of 2005 - were in breach of Australia’s broadcasting code, Laws has piped up the following…
“You better ask yourself if this is the sort of individual you want articulating what you seem to think are the views of many Australians. It’s very easy to pander to prejudice. Many of the most dangerous people the world has ever known did just that.”
It’s not often I find myself actually applauding when reading something on a website, but when I saw the above quote in this smh.com.au article, I most certainly did.
PS: This is chockers with relevant quotes.
PPS: One week until I can tell you what the dilly-o’s happening regarding Ausculture! Woot!
Posted by Jess at 5:27 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)April 11, 2007
Boo!
Fondling your base again, just briefly, to assure you…
(ridiculously long pause before leading into paragraph containing little to no actual information)
… that within two weeks you’ll find out what the shizzle is going on here on this website! If you’re the sort of person who gets pumped about Big Brother, Idol, trashy gossip, Logies heckling and other pop cultural delights (and Ausculture’s spazzy, swear-filled take on such things), then head back here in a week and a half. There’ll be good news.
Again, the phrase “good news” will only ring true if you don’t want me dead. ARF! In any case, I’ll be blogging again. A lot. And we’re gonna have some fun…
x
Posted by Jess at 12:03 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)March 19, 2007
“Touching Base”
Urgh - I really hate the term “touching base”, it reminds me of years spent in a hideous office job surrounded by marketing types. And also, lovely attractive people whose friendship I cherish to this day (just in case some wonderful ex co-workers are reading…)
But I just wanted to pop by to give you a few bits of info.
- My laptop died! YES! THIS IS SERIOUSLY SHIT NEWS!
- This means I only have sporadic access to the interwebs! At the library, for fucks!
- And I don’t have time to write proper pop culture stuff, so I just MySpazz blog about personal shit, and thems the only writering I be doing! Hence the silence here!
- But it’s not that I don’t love you, Ausculture readers!
- And hopefully, very soon, I shall be able to tell you about something which would lead to several blog postings a day, five days a week! About pop culture! Big Brother! Idol! Rubbish! Etc!
- Nice, huh?
But until I have definite news for you, I’ll just have to be vague. Fingers crossed, eh?
x
PS: If you’re interested in my new love/hate relationship with Sudoku and other suck lame non-Ausculturey blog fodder, do some Googlestalking and find the MySpazz blog. And add me, for fucks. I am going to give the beautiful Genny B a run for her money friends-wise, or die trying.
Posted by Jess at 6:47 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)March 1, 2007
Tonight on JJJ…
Just popping by to tell ye I’m doing another fill in on JJJ this evening from 1am to 6am. I’ve forgotten how to press the buttons and I’ve had very little sleep SO PREPARE FOR MADNESS! My partner in radio crime Clem Bastow can’t do the show with me this week (boo to conflicting schedules!) but next week SHE’LL be dominating the national yoof broadcaster with her inimitable style and finesse so that’s something to look forward to!
x
Posted by Jess at 2:35 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)February 26, 2007
Anyone going to the Playground Weekender festival?
That’s right, anyone heading to this in less than a fortnight’s time? If so, come and say hello. I will be doing “assorted things”* on a stage marked “Other” - coincidentally, often the box I find myself ticking on various forms.
*NOT STRIPPING**
**ALTHOUGH THIS MAY BE SUBJECT TO CHANGE/AVAILABLE RIDER.
Posted by Jess at 10:07 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)February 19, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith’s Mysterious Death Has Been Solved!
And by Lily Allen, no less! Luckily everyone favourite Chris Cester hater* has blogged her findings (RE:VICKI LYNN HOGAN’S PASSING) on her famed MySpazz blog…
Now I am in bed watching a documentary on Anna Nicole Smith , may her soul rest in peace . I reckon Howard K Stern did it . I hope he gets found out . He looks creepy .
Well, I suppose that’s that then. Another case solved! Kudos, Inspector Allen!
Sorry for the silence (again x a million). Free wireless has disappeared from the house and I am typing this from the local library’s computers. A LIBRARY! I hope I don’t accidentally learn stuff. In any case, Born Dancin’ and I are talking VERY SERIOUSLY about investing in speedy internet for our charming house. Can anyone suggest a company/deal for us? We have no idea how to go about these things. We are landline-less, if that helps influence your advice.
*Actually, Ally Spazzy is my favourite Chris Cester hater. Apparently he went mental at her during this year’s Big Day Out tour about five minutes before he and Lily Allen got into a scrap. And when Chris was getting all crankypants at Ally, a member of Eskimo Joe stood beside him snickering approvingly… until Chris then turned on him. Ahh Bolivia showbiz… In any case, Ally has sworn to give me the scoop once I find my beloved dictaphone, although I think that’s pretty much the story. Sigh. I need a coffee.
February 11, 2007
More Buzzcocks Madness!
Remember when I gave you a heads up regarding the sweet genius of Never Mind The Buzzcocks last week? My dear chum Sean “Twice As” Butler commented on the post and mentioned a recent episode of the program where Simon Amstell used his razor sharp wit to slice and dice Donny Tourettes. Donny is the frontman of faux-punk band Towers Of London and they, just so you know, are a grievous offense against all things good in the world of music.
CAN WE WATCH SAID EPISODE, PLEASE?
I insist you do. It has been gently imbedded* below.
The bit where Simon has a jab about Donny smoking onstage in the final video is delicious, although the “punk dance” he does 6 minutes into the third clip makes me love him even more than I ever thought possible.
This is a genuine romance, people. I know he’s gay and we don’t know each other and all that other stuff but when you’ve found “the one”, you can’t let little things get in the way of the bigger picture.
I’d say the only thing really stopping me from settling down and becoming Mrs Simon Amstell is Ms Fits, a woman renown for her jealous streak and being mad as a cut snake, who would probably hunt me down and stab me if I managed to get my filthy paws on Simon before she did. Her obsession with him is about as unhealthy as mine. You can ask the wonderful Richard Watts, if you like. The poor man drew the short straw the other night and was sitting next to us as we squealed excitedly about how dreamy Simon is and how he might not really be gay if he met us and oooh, oooh did you see the interview he did with The Kooks YAYAYAY I FUCKING <3 1 DAT 1 BUT WHA BOUT DA BRITNEY ONE LOLOLOLOL DATS MY FAVE ME 2 AN HE GAV AWAY DA CHEEZE ON DA RED CARPIT @ DA BRITS CSIROMG DAT WAS DA BEST!
Yes, we talk like that in real life. It is incredibly unnerving.
*I am so juvenile, I actually snickered out loud when I typed “embedded”. You can imagine the idiocy that ensued at the East Brunswick Club last night while I was doorbitching… for string ensemble Fourplay. Ahhh… good times.
Posted by Jess at 4:55 PM Link | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)February 9, 2007
Tips for domain registration
- Auto renewal, using a credit card or debit card of some sort can make things easier… Until your credit card expires.
- Of course, if you manage a numer of domains under the same registrar it’s fine - you’ll notice next time you log in. Unless it’s that one domain you registered elsewhere for reasons unknown.
- Which isn’t such an issue really, you’ll get a reminder notice that your domain is about to expire… Unless the renewal notice goes to an old email address you rarely check.
- However, as soon as you notice that a domain has expired, you can quickly go to the registrar, log in and renew it. Unless you’ve forgotten the password.
- If you’ve forgotten the password, you can get a replacement emailed to you. Unless you had the email account deleted a year ago.
- Which means you have to ring the registrar, and then fax them some proof of identification. That’s the way it works with this particular registrar anyway.
- So then, you can re-register that domain. Unless (hypothetically) you didn’t register the domain under your own name. Now that would put you in a bit of a pickle.
You’d need to do something like ring your old ISP and somehow get your email account back. They’re only human, they’ll understand. Right?
Yes.
Unless you left them on less than amicable terms (for whatever reason) and you still owe them money.
Now, anyone who knows me would know that I’d never be so careless as to do all of the above. I’m just saying.
Posted by Patrick at 10:12 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)February 6, 2007
Penelope Cruz and Olivier Martinez?
KYLIE Minogue’s ex-boyfriend, Olivier Martinez, has been spotted in the arms of yet another woman, this time it’s actress Penelope Cruz.
Britain’s Daily Mirror made a meal of photographs showing the French actor in an embrace with the Hollywood star at a Los Angeles hotel 12 hours after ending his four-year relationship with Minogue.
Rest easy, Kyles. It’s a well-known fact that Penelope only dates men who are rumoured to indulge in “Greco-Roman wrestling” from time to time and it has become apparent over the past few weeks that Olivier does indeed appear to have a very real and genuine enthusiasm for the ladies. Ladies who dig ladies, for that matter!
Posted by Jess at 11:20 AM Link | TrackBack (0)February 5, 2007
Welcome back
One day I’ll tell you all the story of how the ausculture.com domain registration went missing for two days.
Perhaps next week.
Until then… returning you to your scheduled programme.
Posted by Patrick at 9:46 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Assorted Things To Begin Your Working Week.
NUMBER ONE
Your first piece of reading for this morning… was Malcolm X a gayer? Quite an interesting article. Sure, I could have blogged about it when it was published in the middle of 2005 but I’ve been busy, people!
NUMBER TWO
It’s been over two weeks since I found it through Defamer and this YouTube clip is still thrilling me to bits.
Better click and enjoy the merriment of hearing Tootie from The Facts Of Life gleefully exclaiming “Boooooong! Boooooong! Booooong!” and Mrs Garrett using the phrase “I’m not one to look a gift-bong in the mouth” (a term which I have immediately placed at the top of my mental list of Party Quips) before the clip is pulled down due to copyright restrictions or some such malarkey. Kill, Ubu! Kill! Good dog.
NUMBER THREE
ANYONE HERE WATCH NEIGHBOURS? Well, coming up quite soon - I’ll confirm closer to the date when my dear Neighbours insider gives me the lowdown - there will be an episode where one character refers to another as a “sezbian”. Look familiar, does it?
WE MADE IT UP RIGHT HERE ON AUSCULTURE JUST OVER ONE YEAR AGO!
Hopefully this means the word will enter the global pop cultural lexicon! Or at the very least it’ll be used by London students who sit around all day smoking Jamaican skunk and watching the goings on of Ramsay Street in between runs to the kitchen for more Pot Noodles.
Coming soon to Neighbours: Susan explains to Lynn that her nasty itchy rash is simply “sexema” caused by having a super-randy Karl constantly rubbing himself all over her. Ahem. I’m working on that one right now, get back to me in a month…
NUMBER FOUR
LISTEN! Why, if I’m not mistaken, it’s one of the original Sugababes who left the group because the girls were total bitches to her and taunted her by speaking their own language which she couldn’t understand a word of and generally making her miserable etc! AND SHE’S VERY GOOD!
NUMBER FIVE
Who knows how to have a good time (other than Tootie)? Paris bloody Hilton, that’s who - or at least that’s the conclusion you could safely draw after checking out reports of the home video which was simply one item in an exciting collection of Hilton things being exhibited on the now defunct parisexposed.com. Let’s see - a man splattered with cocaine here, a chilled out pup named Prince there… No wonder she sounds cheery when she exclaims “Hi bitches…I have the best pot…Let’s smoke some fucking herb right here.” That’s hot.
Less hot is the visual place you’ll go to when you discover she’s also muttered delightful statements like “That looks like my ———- on a bad day, after being ——ed by ten n—-ers”. And not quite done with the topic of being done up the tradesman’s, she also admits “I get ——ed in the —— for coke.” I’ll assume that last part is her joking cheekily, like when Jared Leto says he’s “gay as a goose” in an interview or when chums tell me “Jess, for the last time - that’s inappropriate touching and I’ll thank you to remove your hand from my upper thigh”. LOLOLOL @ MI KRAZEE FRENZ!!!1!
NUMBER SIX
Reasons to continue liking The Ginger Prince better than The Pretty One With The Receding Hairline? He lists his interests on his FaceBook account as “eating, crying, screaming, pooing and weekends”. Steal his shtick and update your MySpazz pages accordingly.
More rubbish links and news as it comes to hand. Oooh, I’m liking this internerd-at-home caper!
x
Posted by Jess at 7:07 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)February 4, 2007
OH YEAH! I Forgot All About Telling You This…
Remember when I mentioned I had Dancing With The Stars gossip? And then completely left the topic alone in favour of doing god knows what?
Well, here’s what I was gonna tell you - Naomi Robson is going to be shimmying away on the program.
I found this out a couple of weeks ago when the producer for Dancing With The Stars sat next to me at the internet cafe I was frequenting constantly to take full advantage of the free wireless. She seemed quite lovely and we’d already made small talk when she then got on the phone and began discussing the new series of the show quite loudly and I couldn’t help overhearing the rather entertaining conversation about previous stars of the show/future stars in the coming series.
I decided against “live blogging” it at the time because, I dunno… it felt like I was breaking some internerd cafe code of ethics or something, but it’s out now so there you go. Here’s the snippet of what she said on the phone about Naomi Robson which I meant to write about - and would have, if it weren’t for me having the attention span of a goldfish and consequently forgetting all about it the second the producer left the cafe.
“Naomi doesn’t give a ** what anyone thinks of her. Well, she cares about her appearance and looks and stuff, but as far as whether the average Australian likes her, she couldn’t give a damn. Should be great!”
Earth-shattering tidbit, I know.
On the upside (touch wood) - free internet! Back in the house!
BRING ON MOTHERCHUCKING BIG BROTHER, YOU BASTARDS!
Posted by Jess at 5:41 PM Link | TrackBack (0)February 2, 2007
It Might Be The Lack Of Sleep…
… or insanity brought on by attempting to quit smoking, but I found the last bit of the following article somewhat amusing.
A 29-year-old pedophile posed as a 12-year-old boy for two years and even attended an Arizona school for four months before being kicked out for poor attendance.
Neil Havens Rodreick, 29, who is 1.7m tall and weighs 54kg, shaved his head and covered his stubble with make-up to fool authorities and friends.
He used the name Casey Price and spent four months last year at the Imagine School in Phoenix before he was thrown out for poor attendance, the British Press Association said.
He allegedly pretended to be a youth for nearly two years, even convincing two men who had been looking for boys on the internet that he was a minor and getting them to pretend to be his relatives.
His neighbours said he built the occasional skateboard ramp and did wheelies on his bike down the streets.
At school he was seen as a shy, average student who handed in his homework but did not stay after classes ended.
Authorities said that after leading Lonnie Stiffler, 61, and Robert Snow, 43, to believe he was a youth, Rodreick talked them into taking him to live with them in Arizona, according to the New York Times.
Mr Stiffler reportedly posed as his grandfather and Mr Snow as his uncle.
Both were said to have regularly had sex with him, and investigators believed another man living in the house.
He was caught earlier this month when he went to a school in Chino Valley, Arizona, for a day and teachers got suspicious.
Rodreick spent seven years in prison after being convicted in 1996 of lewdly propositioning a six-year-old boy in Oklahoma.
He was charged with forgery and fraud over the school incidents.
He was also accused of assault against a girl and investigators said a video of him engaging in sex acts with an unidentified child was found at his house.
The other men had have been indicted on numerous counts, the New York Times said.
Authorities said Mr Stifler and Mr Snow were shocked and angry about being duped by an adult posing as a minor.
Quotes presumably not used in the article -
Mr Stifler - We thought we were decent, upstanding kiddy fiddlers.
Mr Snow - And now we discover our “victim” is in fact a 29 year old grown man?
Mr Stifler - How can we show our faces at the next NAMBLA get together?
Mr Snow - This has ruined our reputation amongst the pederast community.
Mr Stifler - I’m answering calls from my mother all the time, having to reassure her that I’m not a homosexual!
Mr Snow - You spend years - years - trying to infiltrate a community, get involved with the local children’s groups, that sort of thing. And the next thing you know, everyone thinks you’re gay. My career as a Scout master is over. Yes, I’ll say I’m shocked about being duped. Shocked and angry.
Mr Stifler - We’ve been wronged. We shall seek compensation, mark my words.
DISCLAIMER DEAR BLOG POLICE: PLEASE NOTE THAT I DO NOT FIND PEDOPHILES AMUSING (GARY GLITTER EXCEPTED, HIS KNOCK KNOCK JOKE REPERTOIRE IS SECOND TO NONE) NOR DO I FIND IT FUNNY THAT A GROWN MAN - A SEXUAL PREDATOR, NO LESS - MANAGED TO BLAG HIS WAY INTO AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE HE COULD HARM CHILDREN. MY HOBBIES DO NOT INCLUDE HARMING CHILDREN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. CHECK MY MYSPAZZ INTERESTS PAGE IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME!
Posted by Jess at 2:28 PM Link | TrackBack (0)January 28, 2007
Never Mind The Buzzcocks = GENIUS
Seriously. The Brits really know how to do a music panel show, don’t they? Meanwhile, we get stuck with the pleasant but kinda middle-of-the-road Spicks and Specks. It doesn’t seem fair.
I spent Sunday feeling like death and hiding in my room watching YouTube videos of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, and the below episode (lovingly split up into four parts) made me weep with laughter. Highlights include host Simon Amstell’s “in hindsight…” line delivered to Amy Winehouse regarding her song Rehab, and Amy’s hilarious response to the suggestion she should go and write a song with Katie Melua as opposed to Pete Doherty.
The whole thing is wonderful and I have a new YouTube obsession.
Posted by Jess at 11:19 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)January 27, 2007
A Charming Playlist.
WARNING: BLOG FILLER!
Here’s a thoroughly lovely playlist (in my opinion) for late January. Get your hands on the following tracks and you too can chillax to some “phat” tunes.
- Cosmia - Joanna Newsom*
- I Still Remember - Bloc Party
- Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time - Jarvis Cocker
- When You Were Mine - Cyndi Lauper
- Sick With It - The Gossip
- Secret Heart - Ron Sexsmith
- Don’t Fight It - Kenny Loggins feat. Steve Perry
- The Devil - The Rapture
- One With The Freaks - The Notwist
- Get Lost - Patrick Wolf
- Sonido Total - The Pinker Tones
- Always - Erasure
- Understand What You Want But I Just Don’t Agree - Sleepy Jackson
- This Will Be Our Year - The Zombies
*I could never understand the whole Joanna Newsom buzz, but Clemmy played Cosmia on RRR on Wednesday night and since then, I’ve been obsessed with this song.
Posted by Jess at 4:36 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Things That Have Pleased Me During The Past Week.
NUMBER ONE
Playing Heaven 17’s “Temptation” on JJJ at two in the morning and blaring the volume in the studio to an ear-shattering level before dancing by myself on a chair like a spazz and scaring the poor Technical Services guy who drew the short straw and was stuck wandering around Southbank until sunrise answering my ridiculous and utterly pertinent questions like “WHERE’S THE FOXTEL REMOTE?”.
I also quite enjoyed it when my dad emailed me on Wednesday to tell me that my dear 85 year old grandfather had made the effort to wake up early in order to listen to Clem and yours truly when we were doing our month of JJJ Saturday night graveyards. Grandpa’s verdict? According to my dad “he didn’t like the music and couldn’t understand a thing you were saying” but he was very proud. Wow, the music sucked and so did the between-song conversation. WHAT A TELLING ASSESSMENT OF OUR MAD RADIO SKILLZ! God love him.
NUMBER TWO
This picture from the b3ta messageboards.
NUMBER THREE
Also from b3ta , this charming footage of a dog using an accordion-esque shitbag.
NUMBER FOUR
My dear housemate Born Dancin’s list (via somewhere else, but you can grab the relevant links from the blogpost) of idiotic Amazon reviews of George Orwell’s 1984. Example? “”This book isn’t as good as Harry Potter in MY opinion, and no one can refute me. ” GENIUS.
NUMBER FIVE
Via my darling busty Nads, an educational YouTube “documentary” on the crack spider.
There was more but I’m just so excited to have free internet suddenly appear in my bedroom that I simply must leave you and go exploring the interwebs before it inevitably disappears again, leaving me to weep salty tears onto my keyboard.
Posted by Jess at 4:01 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)January 25, 2007
Why Must I Cry?
Posted by Jess at 3:33 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Tonight On “Le J’s”
Word up, motherchuckers. I will be strolling into JJJ later tonight (1am Friday, you pedants) and hitting all the wrong buttons at the wrong time before no doubt breaking the national broadcaster beyond repair just in time for them to be unable to announce the JJJ Hottest 100 tomorrow morning. WHAT A LARK!
Not only is Clem unable to make it, but my replacement co-host Ms Angela Ruth Hart has been forced to pull out last minute. I have beaten her quite savagely around the head as punishment, but hopefully she’ll make up for it through a grovelling public apology in which she compliments me heavily and makes numerous references to my undeniable charm and appeal to the masses. An extract from the interview would probably go something like this.
ME: Say you’re sorry.
ANGIE: I am very sorry.
ME: Will you make it up to me AND the people of Australia?
ANGIE: Yes! Yes I will! I promise!
ME: And how will they know it’s really you?
ANGIE: I don’t know!
ME: Hang on, I have an idea. Are you singing Accidently Kelly Street right now?
ANGIE: No.
ME: Well, then it’s definitely you.
ANGIE: LOLOLOL
ME: ROFLWAFFLES!
Etc.
I am thinking of scaring “the kids” and playing some Tears For Fears. If you’re awake, tune in.
x
Posted by Jess at 2:10 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)January 24, 2007
Joanna Newsom Isn’t As Highbrow As You’d Think.
Have we all heard of high pitched warbler Joanna Newsom? She had a rather successful solo record called The Milk-Eyed Mender (2004) and has just released her follow-up titled “Ys” (pronounced “Eeees”… if you wanna be anything like yours truly and Clem when we back announce this on the rayjo - and really, you don’t want to be as we are bloody idiots most of the time - you should squeal this as loudly and irritatingly as possible).
All very nice, isn’t it? Oooh, she plays the harpsichord! Gosh, she’s toured with Will Oldham and Devendra Banhart! Van Dyke Parks arranged her latest album! She looks all elfin and sweet as though she’s just left the family home in the forests of Lothlorien to try and make it in the music business!
I PUT IT TO YOU THAT JOANNA NEWSOM IS A CHEEKY DEVIL WHO WATCHES DODGY HOME PORNOS FEATURING EX-SAVED BY THE BELL STARS.
“GASP!”
Yes! And furthermore, not only does she enjoy viewing such unclassy material, but she actually wrote a song about the whole experience and were it not for some lackey at the record company mishearing the title of the song, the above snippet of information would, in fact, be well known around the traps!
“EXPLAIN YOURSELF, WOMAN!”
Right. The first single from EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!! is called Sawdust & Diamonds.
OR IS IT?
I firmly believe the title of the song was originally meant to be….
“YES?”
SAW DUSTIN DIAMOND’S! OPEN PARENTHESIS! PENIS! CLOSE PARENTHESIS!
“………”
I’ll stop drinking coffee now and get my coat. I’m so sorry.
Posted by Jess at 11:25 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)This Is Quite Brilliant.
Kudos once again to Scott, To Be Certain - his assessment of women’s tennis is guffaw prompting genius.
Read it here. Immediately.
Posted by Jess at 11:08 AM Link | TrackBack (0)Holiday Season Come Down Cures.
It would have been better providing you lot with this some time around mid-January but never mind. Here are some helpful tips on how to shake off the dreaded feeling of ‘bleurgh’ that can follow on from serious shindiggery!
It’s January. You’ve made it – god knows how – through the holiday season’s seemingly endless gauntlet of parties and shindigs, grimaced and probably boozed your way through your family celebrations, donned yer drinking cap and kept it real for New Years Eve and now you find yourself exhausted, physically broken and mentally fried in the first month of 2007.
But fear not, dear chums. I’m a bit of an expert when it comes to dusting myself off in order to climb aboard the Knees Up Express once again, so I’m here to give you a couple of tips on how to get past the infamous Holiday Season Come down.
Make this (non-alcoholic) drink!
The lovely Renee from The Corner Hotel in Richmond made me the following during an evening I was visibly worse for wear after going a bit bananas the night before. Get a pint glass, pour in an entire can of Red Bull, fill the rest of the glass up with Coke, and add a slice of lemon and a splash of raspberry cordial before downing the motherchucker. Voila! Buh-bye hangover!
From the mouths of rock and rollers…
Ally Spazzy was once given the following tip on how to recover from serious partying by Ross from the Cosmic Psychos. According to him, the best way to get over particularly savage party-caused lethargy is to “down enough water until you feel like you’re going to throw up” and then go to sleep on a bed without pillows. Yes. I’ve never tried this myself but if people in the music scene can’t be relied upon to give us the heads up on ways to move on from a hangover, then who in this goddamn crazy world is there left to trust, I ask you?
Hair of the dog!
True, the last thing you want to look at after three weeks of solid pub-based gallivanting is a frothy beer, but sometimes downing a cold lager really is the only way to cure yourself of post-inebriation pain. You can do it!
And if all else fails…
I suggest therapy. Apparently there’s some sort of sweet government deal which means you get like, eight visits with a psychologist who probably earned their diploma by responding to an email from a university rep named Underachiever P. Postmortem for the price of an all day Metcard, although you may want to double check that as I am notorious for refusing to deal with “facts”. But here’s one thing I can tell you for sure. If you walk in for your session only to discover the person meant to be dealing with your fragmented noggin has a tapestry hanging from their office wall with the words “You Can’t Have Psycho-Analogy Without Anal!” lovingly cross-stitched upon it, it’s probably best to leave straight away. Trust me on this one.
Posted by Jess at 10:45 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)January 22, 2007
BDO
Flags sold for profit will be canceled.
Well, call me crazy but I’m looking at this the other way.
For fuck’s sake, you’re supposed to be running a music festival. Why get involved in shit-flinging?
BTW, I haven’t been to the BDO for at least five years so I can’t (nor am I trying to) comment on whatever thuggery they have going on there now…
~ Patrick
Posted by Patrick at 10:22 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Various Things For Your Monday, Folks
Hola, kids! The black dog that has been growling outside my door ever since my beloved best pal Will Fop flew out of the country last week appears to be momentarily distracted, so I figured I’d jump on here for a tick and give you a few quick links to interesting things on the interwebs. ARE YOU PUMPED? Huzzah, etc!
OH NOES!
So the politicians are in a tizzy regarding Big Day Out management discouraging punters from bringing the Australian flag to the festival. Frankly, there’s not much more I can add to the topic when Clem’s written a marvellous “piece” on The Age about it which totally sums up how I feel - check it out here.
THE GOLDEN GLOBES!
Faggot-gate! Ryan Seacrest failing to interest Angelina Jolie! Etc! Read all about it at Defamer, yo.
TRASH TV FOREVS!
I fucking love this article to bits. I also love the US version of Wife Swap, especially after viewing ten episodes in two days. GET ON IT!
JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME’S FULL-MONGREL ON TELLY!
Via Popbitch - please enjoy both Van Damme’s amazing and thoroughly sexy dance moves AND his swollen wang!
RADIO RELATED - RRR!
Clemmy B and I will be returning to RRR this Wednesday night from midnight til 2am, and we have a helluva lot of new and wonderful tunes to spin as well as much nonsense to talk. Tune in!
RADIO RELATED - JJJ!
It’s time for yet another graveyard shift on the national broadcaster! This Thursday night (well, 1am on Friday AEST) will see Triple J listeners having to sit through further questionable choices in music and hysterical laughter. Sadly, my beloved and knowledgeable radio partner-in-crime Ms Clementine “I Like To Sing Politically Incorrect Songs From The Hey Hey It’s Saturday Album On National Radio” Bastow will be unable to join me due to “keeping it real” elsewhere. What does this mean?
FIRSTLY: I will be pressing all the buttons and quite possibly breaking something. ARF!
SECONDLY: I will need a co-host… god forbid I fall asleep at the microphone resulting in late night revellers in Broken Hill feeling confused and perplexed about the sounds of muffled snoring and dribbling pumping through their speakers. Thankfully, the wonderful Angie Hart has agreed to be my radio wingman. Hopefully she will keep her notoriously foul-mouth and vicious temper in check because the last thing I need to attend is a fucking Senate enquiry. I jest, of course. She will be funny as hell and bring marvellous tunes to the table so jolly good all round then. Try to tune in if you’re still awake.
UPDATE - The above information, whilst correct at time of publishing, may have changed last minute. I will confirm shortly (for the three of you who give a flying fondle…)
x
Posted by Jess at 4:03 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)January 13, 2007
Farewell, My Darling Fop!
So I’ve been busy. I apologise profusely (YET AGAIN ETC) but you see, I’ve kinda had my hands full.
WHAT’S HAPPENING, JESS? I CARE, TRULY I DO!
Thank you for asking. Alright, here’s the go - my beloved best chum, personal “gay” and manager (who keeps me relevant to my core audience of homosexuals and children, allegedly) Mr William Fop Esq. is leaving the country.
WTF?!
I KNOW! Naturally I’ve tried during the last two weeks to spend as much time as humanly possible with him.
UNDERSTANDABLE!
Lemme tell you a little bit about one of my favourite human beings on the planet.
Will was the first person I met through this blogging caper. Now, before Will came into my world I had absolutely no plans to ever meet anyone from the internet. Making friends with people from the web was something anti-social losers who had no real life associates did. But Will had consistently made me laugh on email and on his extremely brilliant blog so when he moved to Sydney for a couple of months back in late-2004 and admitted he was finding it a bit hard, I figured “What the hell? I’ll meet him for coffee. What is there to be afraid of?”
And so on a breezy October evening, Will and I made a date to meet in the city. Being mildly concerned that he’d be an axe-wielding psychopath who regularly feigned a passion for the Minogues in order to lure vulnerable young lasses for skim lattes with a side of sexual assault, I hid behind a pillar near our designated meeting spot and waited to see just who arrived.
Cut to the arrival of a handsome young man wearing a beret and an extremely colour co-ordinated outfit. I sauntered over, we introduced ourselves - and fell immediately in love.
Before too long we found ourselves constantly on the phone to each other between the hours of nine to five when we should have been working. It was Will who clutched me by the arm back when I was feeling lost and confused and hated my office job and told me he believed I could do radio or writing or whatever the hell it is I wanted to do. It was Will who recommended me to the lovely Jo and Cam from 2SER and hooked up the weekly appearance on their Wednesday Breakfast show. It was Will who - along with people like Ms Fits, Fluffy, Genny B, Sugar & Hotman, Dirty Derek, Matty B, and countless others - showed me around Melbourne when I was visiting in mid-2005 and made it feel so much like home for me that I decided to move here. It was Will who went to check out apartments for me whilst I packed up my life in Sydney. And it was Will who would call and check on me all the time when I first got here to make sure I wasn’t having a nervous breakdown/was aware of the latest Girls Aloud gossip.
And since moving down here, I’ve been rather up and down - and all the while, there was Will. Making me laugh, talking me through various turmoils, buying me lunch and coffees and visiting my crack den of a barn with a copy of Madonna’s “I’m Going To Tell You A Secret” DVD for our viewing pleasure.
Now he’s leaving to be an amazing success in London so if you don’t mind, I’m making the most of my beloved chum - he’s leaving on Tuesday, for fucks sake. He’s living with me until then, and god love him - he arrived yesterday with suitcases and a giant sack of “presents” for me. Wanna know what he’s given me?
- Two books of late Seventies radical feminist literature.
- One book documenting the scandals and gossip behind the gay male porn scene.
- Several copies of Attitude magazine, The Face, Gay Times and DNA. And a 1993 Q Magazine! I LIVE FOR OLD COPIES OF Q MAGAZINE!
- Green tea.
- Half a box of Omo.
- Half a litre of Croatian plum brandy.
- Blank CDs.
- Soy milk.
- Personal warming lubricant.
- Assorted condoms.
- Dishwashing liquid.
- Valium.
- A bong.
- Swedish biscuits.
- A 2007 Diary - in Swedish.
- The Young Divas album.
- And other assorted delights.
How could I do anything other than adore the man?
Will - you’ve been the most amazing friend to me and I absolutely love you to fucking bits. You’ve had faith in me and propped me up when I had no confidence whatsoever, and I wouldn’t be half the person I am today - or half as happy with my life - if you hadn’t entered my world. I will miss you more than you will ever know. Thank you for everything… and here’s to our future turkey baster baby.
x
Posted by Jess at 1:23 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)January 10, 2007
Trivia At The Corner Returns!
IF YOU ARE A MELBOURNITE, THE FOLLOWING WILL BE RELEVANT. OTHERWISE, HOLD ON AND I’LL BE BACK SOON WITH SOME EXCLUSIVE DANCING WITH THE STARS GOSSIP.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to announce the glorious return of Rock & Pop Culture Trivia to one of Melbourne’s finest establishments - the world famous and rather sultry Corner Hotel in Richmond!
Dave the Scot and Jess “Red Bull” Ausculture have spent the past two weeks literally (LITERALLY!) soaking in as much knowledge as they can to ensure their respective brains are absolutely chock-a-mother-chucking-block full of new and intriguing quizzical bits.
Dave the Scot went on a No Doze bender for eleven days straight and watched every English language movie released between the years 1989 and 1991. Viewing Thelma & Louise and following it on directly with Fried Green Tomatoes left the man a blubbering mess (but claiming he has a “new respect” for the beauty and strength that can come from the friendship and love of two formidable “womyn”) but that’s a story for another day.
Jess had the delightful image of Britney’s “baby-factory” appearing mid-limo exit tattooed on her buttocks and created an entirely new wardrobe through cutting and pasting together numerous old NW Magazine, although an unfortunate incident with a pyromaniacal homeless man on Smith St means she’ll probably end up wearing The Blue Polka-Dot Dress TM this evening.
IN SHORT.
We’re pumped and ready to rock.
WHAT: Three rounds of trivia - the first is Film & TV, the second is Music and the third is Trash Culture (unofficially sponsored by NW Magazine).
WHEN: Tonight - and every Wednesday night following - from 7:30pm.
WHERE: The Corner Hotel, Swan Street in Richmond. We’re upstairs in the charming and breezy Rooftop Bar.
WHY: Because we asked you nicely! Did we mention you are quite pretty/handsome/other? Plus you can win jugs of beer through out the night, not to mention jugs, wine and slabs of beer if you finish in the Top Three teams. BOOYAH!
ANYTHING ELSE: No, I don’t think so. Why, you gonna tell me how to do my job? ARE YOU?
NO: Well, good then.
FINE: Fine.
I’M GOING: To trivia?
YES: Lovely.
x
Posted by Jess at 1:53 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)January 9, 2007
Thanks, Ma!
Here’s a touching quote to be read out at Shiloh Jolie-Pitt’s eighteenth birthday, no doubt.
“I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they’re survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her…I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this…Yes, a blob! But now she’s starting to have a personality…I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.”
God love her.
Posted by Jess at 1:34 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)January 3, 2007
BLOGGERS ELOPE!
Oh my GOD! And a WOOT WOOT YAY YAY ETC!
Congratulations must go out to lovely bloggers MSKP and TOBYToby who eloped on New Years Eve.
Well done, you crazy kids. Brings a tear to my hazel eye, it does. And considering they met at The East Brunswick Club trivia evening and I can clearly recall the sparks flying that very night, I can’t help but feel personally responsible for the two of ‘em finding eternal love and happiness in each other’s arms. Heh.
Bravo! 2007 is already fucking caning it when it comes to good news, as far as I’m concerned.
x
Posted by Jess at 2:18 PM Link | Comments (3)Oh, And The Latest Britney News?
Seems she and Paris have “broken up”.
PLEASE GET TOGETHER WITH CATHY DENNIS AND MAX MARTIN AND RECORD AN AMAZING POP SONG QUICK STICKS, YOUNG LADY! AND STOP THIS “NEWFOUND FREEDOM” MALARKY BECAUSE WE’VE ALL SEEN YOUR LOVE-FLAPS AND IT DIDN’T MAKE US FEEL NICE.
I’m obviously talking to Britney here as no one - no one - would ever demand Paris Hilton step foot inside a recording studio again.
Oh, and Britney?
I also found myself rather “tired” on New Years Eve. Bottoms up!
Posted by Jess at 1:34 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Vale Justin Hawkins (Or At The Very Least, His Dignity)
Oh, who am I kidding? Any rocker who prances around like this in a video clip is clearly someone without shame and goddamn it, it’s a quality I’ve always admired in the man.
Regardless, the news that the ex-Darkness frontman may well be entering the Celebrity Big Brother house in the UK worries me a little. Perhaps his stint in The Priory led to a newfound love of twenty-four hour supervision?
In any case, if News Of The World are to be believed (and my friends, the stories they publish are always to be believed… until a week later when talk of libel leads to them to make a grovelling apology), Paul Michael-Glaser aka Starsky and Jermaine Jackson will also be joining the falsetto-belting jumpsuit-loving Hawkins on the show.
This could be rather amazing, folks. Thank fuck for YouTube.
Posted by Jess at 1:21 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Get In Line, Ladies.
Even though Justin Timberlake’s popularity has hit an all-time high thanks to the absolute genius of his recent Saturday Night Live appearance, rumours abound that even a lovingly placed dick in a box wasn’t enough to keep a lady like Cameron Diaz happy over the festive season.
This Christmas season, Justin Timberlake spent his holiday at home in Tennessee, surrounded by his close-knit family, including mom (and one-time manager) Lynn, stepfather Paul Harless and his two younger half-brothers. Cameron Diaz, his girlfriend since 2003, went skiing in Vail, Colo., staying at the Vail Mountain Resort & Spa, with her family. Separate vacations? At this time of year? What’s the reason? Sources say the glamorous duo, who have gone on many vacations together in the past, went their separate ways after Justin decided that his days with Cam were numbered. And on Dec. 23, as he partied with friends in Senses nightclub in Memphis, a source says Justin told fellow revelers: “Me and Cameron? We’re done.”
Could it be true? As someone who shamelessly saunters the streets of Melbourne wearing an Official Justified 2004 Australian Tour satchel, I do hope so. Jessie Timberlake has a certain ring to it, if you ask me.
Posted by Jess at 1:10 PM Link | TrackBack (0)January 2, 2007
Happy New Year!
And welcome back to the world of ausculture.com. Of course, I’m saying that more for my benefit than yours but nonetheless, it feels good to be sitting in front of this familiar blog entry screen and shooting the shit with y’all.
Thank you to those out there who continue visiting every day to see if I’ve gotten off my arse to bring this blog back to life. Thank you to those who have emailed and give a flying fuckeroo as to what’s been happening. It all means a lot, swears.
My New Years resolution (amongst others) is to go back to updating this thing daily and with a love that dare not speak its name - or something along those lines. Exciting! Still internerdless at home but a daily trek to the wireless cafe is part of my game plan so expect a return to the days of old. If I can remember how to write.
I know I’ve been missing since early November but I’ve been getting my head together which is nice, don’t you think? I’ve been penning ridiculous (BUT CUTE) articles for 64 Magazine when I get a moment, and grabbing bits and pieces of paid work wherever I can. Huzzah!
The other big thing worth mentioning (as it’s kept us busy, what with learning how to use the studio and hours of defamation/libel training - they know us well) is that Clem and I have been doing some late night summer fill ins for Triple J whilst we’re on a break from RRR. We’ve already done two shows, wowing truck drivers and road trippers across the nation, and we’ve got two more to go. You can listen to us make fun of emo and generally act like loose cannons on the national “yoof” broadcaster late Saturday nights (or 1am Sunday mornings, depending on your perspective/location) on JJJ. Marvel at our Red Bull-fuelled enthusiasm in the first two hours! Listen to how delirious and mental we are by the time the sun has come up! Truly riveting radio, to be sure.
Let’s meet back here tomorrow and get on with the VERY important job of dissecting the news of the world (top of the list being Britney, I’ve no doubt). Thanks for sticking around. Much festive season love.
x
Posted by Jess at 5:18 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)November 6, 2006
Where Does The Time Go?
Goodness me!
For those of you who don’t know, our merry household has pulled up stumps and left the latte supping confines of North Fitzroy and we’re now in some swish motherchucking digs in Carlton where we plan to keep it extremely “real” with a newfound dash of class. I am no longer living in a Barn and actually sleep inside a house! As you can imagine, having bathroom privileges is incredibly exciting.
Sadly our new pad (we’re yet to come up with a nickname for it, all suggestions welcome - EXCEPT “THE HOUSE OF WANKERS”, MUM! I TOLD YOU THAT JOKE WASN’T FUNNY!) is sans internet connection, hence the weeklong silence. Oh, and I’ve also been distracted over the past fortnight due to being wooed by Rupert Murdoch, or so I read in Crikey. It’s true, I spent some time with Rupert at his place in New York and I’ve gotta say, he’s not so bad when you get to know him. Although the wandering hands and cries of “It’s gin o’clock!” at 11am get a bit old after a while.
MOVING SWIFTLY ALONG.
Reese and Ryan, eh? I’d always hoped they’d prove the gossip mags wrong but there you go. And was he slipping one into Abbie Cornish? COULD ABBIE AND RYAN BE THE SAFEWAYS VERSION OF BRAN AND ANGELINA?
Doogie Howser MD is “a gay”. Well, he has been looking far more attractive to me over the past few years. That ought to explain it. THIS ATTRACTION TO THE HOMOSEXUALS IS WHY I AM DESTINED TO BE ALONE FOREVER, PEOPLE. We are unable to confirm reports that having to rub Whoopi Goldberg’s feet in the movie “Clara’s Heart” at age fifteen was the final nail in the coffin of his heterosexuality.
Warning - I’m about to get all literary on yo asses…
When did Kylie Minogue become Burma Jones from A Confederacy Of Dunces? “We’re on tour again, whoa!” said Our Kyles as she touched down in Sydney Airport. If her Showgirl tour includes a scene where Kylie is undressed by a bird, I’m contacting John Kennedy Toole’s estate and insisting they launch legal action immediately.
And this is just a DISGRACE. Honestly, “I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker” makes me feel violent. Please read the brilliant Popjustice’s thoughts on Sandi Thom right now, thank you muchly.
Well, I’ve wasted as much time as I can in this here internerd cafe. Time for me to go and have a late lunch with The Packers. Back soon, delightful people. And I’m a-saving my pennies so the new house can get a wireless connection so regular posting will eventually be back. Email jessculture at gmail.com if you want to send me a thousand dollars or something nice like that so I can hook up some sweet internet access or just buy a new iPod. MINE IS BROKEN AND NOW SO IS MY HEART.
Posted by Jess at 1:07 PM Link | Comments (31) | TrackBack (0)October 24, 2006
Headline Of The Morning…
Madonna Starting To Really Regret Not Having Chosen The Less Cute Orphan With No Living Parents
Thank you Defamer!
Posted by Jess at 9:38 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Jesus or Alan Jones?
Alan Jones’s boss, 2GB program director John Brennan, has stepped up to defend his star shock-jock.
In an angry letter to the Fairfax press, which published excerpts of the biography, Mr Brennan likened Jones’s treatment to that meted out to Jesus.
“There are remorseless attacks on this man by his critics,” he wrote.
“He reminds me of another man some 2000 years ago who had the worst interpretations put upon his kindest actions, yet he went on.”
Because there’s one thing Alan Jones’s ego needs, and that’s a comparison to the Messiah. Nonetheless, I’m sure John Brennan and yours truly aren’t the only ones out there who find Jesus H. Christ Esq and Alan Jones freakishly similar… Here are just three ways in which the two men are alike.
Example #1
Alan Jones used to coach the Wallabies and Jeebus was also quite partial to rugby! In fact, I believe Our Lord once said “Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action and the occasional line-out.”
Example #2
Jesus wanted to be a “fisher of men”. Coincidentally enough, Alan Jones has had a bit of experience fishing for men too!
(regarding Australian citizens who had recently fled Lebanon’s war zone and arrived in NSW to be given special assistance from Centrelink “in the form of advice… on how to access welfare and housing benefits” and “Centrelink, a bastion of multicultural subservience, had provided the refugees with written advice in Arabic”)
THE JESUS RECKONS:
“Then the King will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, O blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’
Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see thee hungry and feed thee, or thirsty and give thee drink? And when did we see thee a stranger and welcome thee, or naked and clothe thee? And when did we see thee sick or in prison and visit thee?’
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.’”
THE PARROT’S THOUGHTS:
Iemma: They are Australian citizens.
Jones: Premier, why should they have priority?
Iemma: Alan, the advice that I’ve got is that …
Jones (interjecting): They’re lying to you.
Iemma: …they get assessed against a criteria that every one else gets assessed …
Jones (interjecting): But why do they get priority?
Iemma: Only if they qualify. For example, if the …
Jones (interjecting): No, no, no, no…
Jones “For people in Arabic, for Muslim people, presumably, well, up goes the white flag and we fall and prostrate ourselves to assist these people.”
FINAL VERDICT: The Jesus and Alan Jones are pretty much the same person, and The Big Dude Upstairs In The Sky is no doubt thoroughly chuffed that the sole product of his Holy-invisible-but-nevertheless-potent-sperm his only son is being compared to a spiteful, arrogant little man who has made his large fortune through manipulating the fears of the suburban blue-rinse set and smoking corporate cock.
Though honestly? The story of Alan Jones is really quite a sad one. If he wasn’t so abhorrent and hypocritical and just plain tiresome, I’d feel awfully sorry for him having spent years hiding who he truly is from the braying pack of morons who make up his core audience. But I suppose he felt he had little choice in the matter. After all, he’s spent years training his listeners to hate and resent anyone who happens to be a bit different to them.
Posted by Jess at 7:11 AM Link | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)October 23, 2006
Celebrity Sooks - Part One In A Series
#1 - The Entire Cast Of The Biggest Loser
Jesus Christ. Have any of you been watching this program? Nothing but tears as far as the eye can see. If you were to play some sort of drinking game, skolling a beer every time someone dissolves into a blubbering mess on the program, you would eventually be as liquored up as James Mathison during an Australian Idol verdict show by the time the credits began to roll*. Even Kim the Trainer had a sob this evening!
VERDICT: Cart ‘em all off in a giant WAH-mbulance to Sook City, please.
PS: I really miss the insanely passionate Jillian. But I’ve heard rumours of her being involved in some sort of new show with a contestant from last year’s Australian version of The Biggest Loser so there is hope.
PPS: Bob the Trainer? Yeah, I’d hit it.
*In my honest opinion. I’ve been reading about libel laws, y’all!
Posted by Jess at 9:59 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)October 17, 2006
EG Music Awards
Hey guys, there’s something you can vote for - and I know y’all love voting! The inaugural EG music awards celebration is on next Friday night and it’ll be celebrating the best Australian music of the last twenty one years. Delightful, non?
You can vote in the various categories by heading here. And here are a few of our faves for some of the individual categories in case you’re in a mood to do exactly what I command of you and vote for whatever the hell it is we throw our idiotic heart behind. Which’d make me happy on a bit of a bleurgh day, really.
Best Album: I’m torn between Crowded House’s Woodface and You Am I’s Hourly Daily, although truth be told I’d prefer to vote for Sound As Ever as that’s the YAI album which changed my life as a youngster.
Best Song: Berlin Chair by You Am I for the aforementioned reasons related to Sound As Ever.
Best Band: The Go-Betweens or Crowded House, I reckon.
Best Male Artist: Paul Kelly, although you could vote for Ben Lee and royally piss off every coolsie kid in town - OMGLOLOLOLZROFL.
Best Female Artist: Our pick is Angie Hart - partly because she was wonderful and insane enough to perform a Michael Bolton cover for I’d Rather Jack’s Radiothon show, and partly because she’s sweet as pie and a warbling genius to boot.
Best Newcomer: Hmmm. Stuck between Midnight Juggernaughts and Macromantics, whose song Scorch I’ve recently become incredibly obsessed with. I think it’s because I have absolutely no fucking chance of ever being able to speak that quickly, and my mouth moves at a rapid pace. She also has lovely taste in baseball caps.
You can decide Best Festival and Best Venue in your own time.
GO AND VOTE! GO ON!
And I might see you at the awards ceremony on October 27 if you hurry up and snaffle tickets. I have heard rumours regarding an international guest WHO IS SO FECKIN HILARIOUS BRILLIANT THAT I WILL LITERALLY DIE IF I MISS SEEING ‘EM PERFORM.
This One Goes Out To La Nadine.
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
x
(via b3ta)
Posted by Jess at 9:58 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Peter Andre & Jordan Duet!
WHAT A WAY TO KICK OFF TUESDAY!
I’ve felt a lot of love for our greatest pop export ever Kylie Peter Andre since the early days of ausculture.com. In fact, long-time readers may even recall our fascination with the then-blossoming relationship between Pete and glamour model Jordan when the pair were appearing on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here in the UK.
Yes, we bloody love Peter’n’Jordan and their unbelievable tackiness.
So… Sydney Confidential, if this story is for reals, then I am officially building a bridge and getting over our past troubles. I bow down and worship you lot for putting the following online.
Be warned: Peter Andre and Jordan’s appalling new duet is four minutes and twenty-two seconds you will never get back.
A recording of the Australian singer and his ultra-tanned bimbo wife singing the song “A Whole New World” has been doing the industry email rounds in recent days.
Apparently set to end up on a Christmas covers album in the UK, the tabloid couple ramble tragically through the song they danced to at their wedding last year.
Peter Andre & Jordan - “A Whole New World”
(right click and save)
BEST. RENDITION. EVER.
UPDATE - STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES!
MichaelK from DListed informed me of the existence of a YouTube video. It makes my heart swell.
Of course, she sounds much better in the YouTube video compared to the mp3 but still. You can revel in their matching white suit magnetism and perhaps save your ears from the bleeding pain of those particularly off notes.
Posted by Jess at 8:11 AM Link | Comments (26) | TrackBack (0)Attention Rogue Traders!
The Interweb (TM) has somehow resulted in me stumbling across the French version of you, except sans the Pump It Up thievery. Klanguage? It may be the caffeine but I think you are FABULOUS.
Do you enjoy our attractive Gallic pop? Wahey!
Download the track which made me think “BASSINGTHWAIGHTE - BUT GOOD” by right clicking and saving here.
Fluxblog, you’ve done it again.
PS: I don’t actually loathe Rogue Traders, a bold statement which may mean I am stabbed on the streets of coolsie Melbourne tomorrow (BY MY OWN FRIENDS) but fuck it. I can’t defend Phil Collins to the death and then act all coy about finding Izzy Hoyland’s hot pants donning, vocoder happy performances somewhat charming in a ridiculous way.
PPS: Another coffee? DON’T MIND IF I DO!
PPPS: (clutches chest as palpitations begin)
Posted by Jess at 7:58 AM Link | TrackBack (0)Poor Lindsay Lohan…
One minute you’re innocently wandering up the red carpet in a stupor, graciously signing all sorts of things for “the fans”, and the next you realise you’re hastily scribbling your name on a court summons requesting you to testify in a fraud case against your mother.
On the upside, at least she gets to bring SapphicBack with Keira Knightley in her new flick. And let’s face it, there are worse things in this world to get paid for. Who knows, perhaps Lindsay’ll be so excited by the opportunity to fingerbang Keira on screen that she’ll actually turn up to work from time to time!
PS: I fucking heart Lindsay Lohan to bits so know that no matter what I say, I say it with love.
PPS: Dudes, I’m totally blogging again! It was gone with the wind, but it’s all coming back to me now… now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go and listen to Celine Dion.
Posted by Jess at 7:22 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Contact Details Update.
Since ausculture.com email is developmentally challenged at best, fingerpainting with its own poo at worst, I have created a rather simple Gmail account for people to email me should they feel like it. Which is pleasant, non?
jessculture at gmail.com is the place to send all threats, promises of cash and marriage proposals. Apologies if you’ve emailed any of the other contact email addresses round these parts over… oh, the past two years? We get thousands of spam emails a day and I have a sneaking suspicion that my furious culling of Cialis offers from my inbox may have resulted in a few legitimate emails being sacrificed. Is this what they mean by collateral damage? I don’t know. My head hurts and I need to get a few hours sleep before meeting my beloved Will Fop for cuddles, coffee and career advice.
Posted by Jess at 7:20 AM Link | TrackBack (0)October 16, 2006
I Has A Meme.
Again, I don’t normally do memes but I have been tagged by dear housemate Born Dancin’ and I simply cannot say no to the man. So do skip this if you don’t give a flying fuck about pop culture bloggers rambling on about themselves.
My earliest memory is… wandering as a toddler along white beaches in South East Asia somewhere.
At high school I… taught myself how to adapt to many different social situations.
My first relationship was… with a beautiful young man who actually made me gasp with delight the first time I laid eyes on him. Six months later (considered a long term relationship in Year Nine) it was all over, but I’ll always have a soft spot for him. Oh Dan Fabbro, where are you now? Probably married. But I’ll always treasure memories of our lusty goodbye pashes before we dashed home to watch Degrassi Junior High after school.
I wish I’d never worn… a small kiddy’s kangaroo costume when I was fourteen. I also wish I hadn’t let my bestie Hayley take photos of the occasion as to this day she still threatens to post said pics on the interwebs. IF YOU DO I WILL STAB YOU, WOMAN.
My mother told me… a disturbing and bawdy rhyme about cock sizes when I was sixteen. In front of my friends. Something about the motion of the ocean, I believe.
I wish I had… enough money to keep myself, my family and my dear friends happy. Want to write a book? TAKE SOME CASH! Need funds for the album? CONSIDER THIS A GIFT! Wanna go on holidays? I NOW OWN A BEACH SHACK ON THE MORNINGTON PENINSULA!
My most humiliating moment was… when I dropped a trophy on my head during an end of year awards ceremony at my school. Happily for me, this event was captured on video. Hilarious footage, apparently. The very next evening I ran into a glass door at an eighteenth birthday party and ended up flat on my back. THIS WAS, NO SHIT, ALSO CAPTURED ON VIDEO.
At home I cook… very rarely. This is because Bjorn Dancin’ is king of the kitchen and his vegetarian dishes (HOW MAGICAL IS TVP?!) are to die for. And when I feel like meat? My beloved Housemate Nat (of Deal Or No Deal fame) can create the most divine risottos and pasta dishes even when it looks as though the cupboard and fridge is bare. But when I do actually attempt to cook, it usually involves vegetables and tuna. Simple but nutritious or so I hear.
My last meal would be… oh god. Perhaps I Carusi dessert pizza? IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE THE LAST DELICIOUS MOUTHFUL OF WHITE CHOCOLATE. We’re taking The Hot Photogroper and Elmo Charlie Crowe there for tea in November so perhaps I’ll try and hold off on dying until then.
I’m very bad at… looking after my finances. And keeping my heart in check. It really needs to buck up and be more sensible.
When I was a child… running in the night, afraid of what might be. I had blonde ringlets and blue eyes and spoke fluent Indonesian.
The book that changed my life is… probably To Kill A Mockingbird. No, wait. Barrel Fever by David Sedaris. NO WAIT, A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES! I can’t decide. Anyway, it was probably a Babysitters Club book.
It’s not fashionable, but I love… Invisible Touch by Phil Collins. This led to the mother of all verbal fisticuffs at The East the other week when some wanker began declaring you couldn’t like Invisible Touch and also enjoy the various works of John Lennon. He then spouted off as his favourite bands about seven no name groups (probably various monikers belonging to his one man bedroom angst-fest musical ensemble) as ESSENTIAL LISTENING IF YOU TRULY LOVE MUSIC and generally behaved like a mammoth cock. The evening ended several Jager shots later with me carrying my beloved partner in crime out of the pub over my shoulder whilst she shook her fist and screamed “ROT IN HELL, CUNT!” at the Phil Collins playa hater, and then blew raspberries against the window at him from outside. Genius.
Friends say I am… ummm. I don’t know. I talk a lot? I make bad jokes? I am cheerful and friendly but underneath I am a tortured soul with many, many feelings. This can get boring and when it does, I do my patented double-blow-job-mime and things go back to normal.
The song I’d like played at my funeral is… “Rush” by Big Audio Dynamite. Maybe.
If only I could… was quite the catchy hit for Wendy Matthews.
The last big belly laugh I had was… last night whilst working. A chick rock singer was on stage performing and I texted Fluffy describing the sound as “Transvision Vamp raping James Blunt”. This was too tempting for Fluffois to miss out on so she rushed to my workplace and sat outside listening with me. Suddenly, the clit-rock bonanza paused between songs and I said to Fluffy “Shhh, shhh… I bet she’s going to say some sort of AMAZINGLY HILARIOUS cliched phrase!” and almost as though I had scripted the entire evening for my own amusement, we heard her yell into the mic “THANK YOU CLEVELAND!” and I quite literally fell to the floor, rocking back and forth, and laughed til I wept blood.
What I don’t find amusing is… cruel humour. It ain’t big, it ain’t clever. There are a million ways to call someone fat or ugly, but if you can be witty and bang together a sentence which succinctly describes why an individuals ideas or behaviour is abhorrent and\or ridiculous and still be funny? You have my eternal respect.
I’m always being asked… But what is it that you actually do?
If I wasn’t me… then the last twenty five years have been very confusing.
At the moment I’m listening to… The Drones’ “I Looked Down The Line And I Wondered.” “I looked down the line and I wondered how all things would come to be. I stood staring with my best intentions - the worst impulses, old companions we…”
My favourite work of art is… probably by Mark Rothko. When I lived in London in 2000, I had no money (FAMILIAR!) but used to scrape enough pennies together to get a ticket on the Tube to the Tate Modern, where I’d sit in a room gazing at his work, listening to my Walkman and daydreaming about home.
If I were a car I’d be… a total bomb - but one with character.
I often wonder… what the hell is going to happen during my next year in Melbourne. It’s scary but sort of exciting having no plans whatsoever.
FIN.
Posted by Jess at 7:40 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Is It Ever Okay To Nag?
GOOD QUESTION, SAM IN THE CITY!
U WILL NEVA KEEP A MAN IF UR ALWAYS GOIN ON BOUT HIS DRINKIN AN GAMBLIN AN STUFF LOLOLOLOLOL DATS WOT I SAY AN IF I KEEP ON FOLLOWIN “THE RULES” AND WATCHIN FOOTBALL AN COOKIN STUFF DEN I REKON I WILL GET A MAN AN LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE!
V. GUD!
FANKS 4 ADDRESSIN DA BIG ISSUEZ!
Posted by Jess at 6:21 PM Link | TrackBack (0)HEY THERE LONELY MELBOURNE LADIES! FANCY AN ITCHY BURNING SENSATION IN YOUR PANTS REGION?
Good news then, for the eligible Carter lads are heading Down Under - in every sense!
A chance to “hit it” with bachelors of such fine standing is almost enough to make me shell out the big bucks for a Cup Day hat.
Posted by Jess at 6:08 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Some Monday Morning Bits And Pieces.
If you only read one article today which makes you throw up a little in your mouth and soul, make sure it’s this one. Any story which kicks off with a line like “Fisher Island millionaire Bruce McMahan loved his daughter so much, he married her.” has my full traumatised attention.
Yes, her showbiz savvy ways worry me too. I’m Team BobBob, myself.
We haven’t had Celine Dion Appreciation Day around here yet, have we? I have vague recollections of promising such a THRILLING event not all that long ago. Could today be the day? Possibly, folks. I appear to be both awake and blogging so the odds are good.
Lily Allen has recorded a cover of a Keane song. While that might sound like a recipe for disaster, I actually enjoy it VERY MUCH so there you go. Download it from Stereogum.
Bugger it. While you’re over there - if you haven’t done so yet - get your paws on this mp3 of Ryan Adams being a comedic genius. Rapping about how crap the reviews of his last records have been? Nonsense references to witches? Shouting out “2003” for no reason? KEVIN BACON WHAT THE FUCK? There’s a reason I’d Rather Jack got so motherchucking obsessive about it two weeks ago.
Those of you desperately wishing to start your Monday by ogling Matthew McConoughey’s wet crotch can look no further - here are some nice pics for you. We’re all revolting people, I can accept that.
Angelina Jolie ain’t happy with the way our government has treated refugees. WHICH MEANS WE HAVE EVEN MORE IN COMMON THAN WE FIRST THOUGHT, ANGE! Wait, is it wrong to use a serious issue I actually feel strongly about to try and woo Angelina Jolie Circa The Movie Gia into being my wife (removal of discriminatory laws pending)? Whatevs.
Many of you will have already seen this footage of Gareth Liddiard from The Drones performing an acoustic rendition of Shark Fin Blues, but just in case you haven’t… Swoon etc.
If you only read one article today which makes you throw up a little in your mouth and soul, make sure it’s this one. Any story which kicks off with a line like “Fisher Island millionaire Bruce McMahan loved his daughter so much, he married her.” has my full traumatised attention.
Yes, her showbiz savvy ways worry me too. I’m Team BobBob, myself.
We haven’t had Celine Dion Appreciation Day around here yet, have we? I have vague recollections of promising such a THRILLING event not all that long ago. Could today be the day? Possibly, folks. I appear to be both awake and blogging so the odds are good.
Lily Allen has recorded a cover of a Keane song. While that might sound like a recipe for disaster, I actually enjoy it VERY MUCH so there you go. Download it from Stereogum.
Bugger it. While you’re over there - if you haven’t done so yet - get your paws on this mp3 of Ryan Adams being a comedic genius. Rapping about how crap the reviews of his last records have been? Nonsense references to witches? Shouting out “2003” for no reason? KEVIN BACON WHAT THE FUCK? There’s a reason I’d Rather Jack got so motherchucking obsessive about it two weeks ago.
Those of you desperately wishing to start your Monday by ogling Matthew McConoughey’s wet crotch can look no further - here are some nice pics for you. We’re all revolting people, I can accept that.
Angelina Jolie ain’t happy with the way our government has treated refugees. WHICH MEANS WE HAVE EVEN MORE IN COMMON THAN WE FIRST THOUGHT, ANGE! Wait, is it wrong to use a serious issue I actually feel strongly about to try and woo Angelina Jolie Circa The Movie Gia into being my wife (removal of discriminatory laws pending)? Whatevs.
Many of you will have already seen this footage of Gareth Liddiard from The Drones performing an acoustic rendition of Shark Fin Blues, but just in case you haven’t… Swoon etc.
I think I might go and see Dan Zanes whilst he’s in Melbourne. Who’s keen? BRING THE KIDDIES AND A THERMOS FULL OF HOT CHOCOLATE, PLEASE!
Melbourne folk should definitely come down to trivia at The East tomorrow night. Bring yer friends! Bring yer workmates! Georgie’s taking a couple of weeks off which means I shall be solo and sober and desperate for conversation so the more of you the better. Afterwards we can cuddle.
That’s enough to kick Monday off with, surely? Celine Dion Madness possibly coming soon - and I’m even contemplating doing a second meme thingo! You guys care about me and my feelings and shit, right? Right? Hey, where’d you all go? COME BACK.
ROFLWAFFLES.
October 13, 2006
Ausculture Publishing Brings You The First In A Series Of Crime Fiction Novels
#1 - Peter Costello & The Mysterious Invisible Cock
I am so, so sorry. I’ll stop my childish blogging now, swears.
Posted by Jess at 6:36 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)The Best Spoken Word Piece You’ll Ever See.
Okay, I’ve been a really shit blogger - but a really great MySpacer, revelling in the exchange of ridiculous YouTube video links and daft interweb in jokes! But that’s not much help to you is it, beloved readers of ausculture.com?
So now it’s time for me to bang online a few of the things I’ve been enjoying privately but forgetting to blog about.
Ladies and gentlemen? Please meet Precious Taft.
“That was beautiful, Precious…” ??
IT WAS NOT BEAUTIFUL, SIR - IT WAS SPINE-CHILLING AND I THINK I’VE SOILED MYSELF.
Posted by Jess at 6:19 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Man, You’re Weak… Weak… Weak… Weak… Weak!
If you haven’t seen it already, ladies and gentlemen… Kevin Federline’s acting debut on CSI has been posted below for your viewing pleasure. He is as skilled a thespian as he is a rapper, and you should worship him accordingly.
Posted by Jess at 6:16 PM Link | TrackBack (0)How Could You Not Believe Him?! Look At That Punim!
Personally, I am right the fuck behind Floyd Landis.
I mean, seriously. Check out that mug. Not since I first spied images of an immaculately plucked Schappelle Corby gracing the front pages of our nation’s tabloids have I seen such faith-inspiring cranial features. Has there ever been a more honest and trustworthy face in the world of sport? No, says I. And I’d also like to take a moment to salute theage.com.au for such a marvellous choice of photograph. Kudos!
Posted by Jess at 3:57 PM Link | TrackBack (0)October 11, 2006
If You Want To Watch Someone Dying On Live Television…
… switch to Channel Ten right now and watch Andrew G on Thank God You’re Here.
Och aye, it hurts so.
But his hair is still very, very pretty.
Posted by Jess at 7:59 PM Link | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0)October 10, 2006
It’s Nice Being Home To Catch The Channel Ten News…
Sandra Sully: This just in - the United States and Japan have agreed to take action against North Korea, although they’re yet to confirm what that action will be. (slight pause) Coming up - Mick Molloy’s latest movie - will it be as good as his last blockbuster?
(cut to footage of five grown men jumping around in white suits singing “But I am sensitive to your SPECIAL TIME OF THE MONTH! SPECIAL TIME OF THE MONTH!”)
Posted by Jess at 1:04 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)IM IN UR NEWZ LTD EATING UR INDIE CREDABILITY!!11!
Kurt Sovainne. DON’T expect any favours from me. As a REAL musician, it’s my personal mission to bring this reality series to its knees.
Well, as long as you’re not getting paid to write about the show because you like it. Viva La Keepin’ It Real ‘N’ Alternative Stylez!
Go read Scott instead, seriously. And yes, I am currently trying to woo Scott through constant linkage. That he consistently makes me ROFLWAFFLES* with his commentary is a happy coincidence.
*(hat tip to Fluffy for sending me this picture and thus adding ROFLWAFFLES to my pub banter vocabulary. O RLY? YA RLY. Oh internet vernacular, you make me chuckle so.)
Yes, we’re all going to hell.
Posted by Jess at 12:15 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)October 5, 2006
Remember When We Updated This Place?
Well, those times will be returning before you know it as the free wireless internerd has reappeared in the house which means no more trips up to Brunswick Street The Street That Dare Not Speak Its Name in order to leech free wireless from various cafes.
Holiday was good, thanks for asking, but I’ve been busy doing various “things” for the last few days and haven’t had time to scratch myself (on my sunburnt leg) let alone blog. But things should go back to pre-laziness normality quite shortly. In the meantime, can you recall the following good times we had together?
- Turkeyslapgate!
- The Queen’s Thoughts On The Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony!
- Big Brother 2006 Launch Wrap Up!
- John Howard’s Guide To The Witty Riposte!
- The Kiwi Brokeback Mountain!
- Motherfucking KENNY, anyone?
- Kate De Araugo’s Murderous Press Release!
- Discussing Dancing With The Stars With A Melbourne Cabbie!
DON’T STOP BELIEVING, AS JOURNEY ONCE SO APTLY PUT IT!
Back soon x
Posted by Jess at 3:56 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)September 21, 2006
A Pleasant Interaction On Brunswick Street - Thursday, 3:04pm EST
(A girl walks past a long haired man sitting at a cafe table outside. Here is their conversation lovingly transcribed word for word by yours truly)
Man: (sarcastically) Oh hi there.
Girl: (notices man) Sorry, I didn’t see you. Hi!
Man: (extremely bitter) Yes you did.
Girl: (top of lungs) NO I FUCKEN DIDN’T GET OVER YOURSELF.
Man: EVERYONE’S TOO GOOD TO SAY HELLO TO ME NOW!
Girl: NO I’M FUCKEN NOT, I’M JUST LATE AND STRESSED AND I DIDN’T SEE YOU!
Man: NO ONE IS SAYING HELLO TO ME NOW BECAUSE I’VE GOT A GRAZE ON MY FACE.
Girl: THAT’S BULLSHIT, FUCK OFF, I DIDN’T SEE YOU OR I WOULD HAVE SAID HELLO!
Man: FUCK YOU!
Girl: FUCK YOU!
Man: THIS IS FUCKED!
Girl: I’VE GOTTA GO, I’LL SEE YOU LATER!
Man: YOU’LL SEE ME… IN THE GRAVE!
Girl: GET OVER YOURSELF!
FIN.
In other news, I am about to go away up north with my ma for a week. Considering how dire blogging has been around these parts, it shouldn’t really make too much of a difference to the output on ausculture.com but I thought I’d mention it. Be good, and I’ll see you when I return.
Posted by Jess at 3:05 PM Link | Comments (22) | TrackBack (0)September 19, 2006
So I Caught My First Full Episode Of Australian Idol Last Night…
Was James Mathison shickered? I mean, really… he struck me as someone completely and utterly off his chops. If this is Channel Ten’s new approach with the Idol format, I’m all for it but I really need to know - has he suffered a mild stroke recently or is he hitting the piss before hitting the stage? I wouldn’t judge him. If I had to work with Kyle, Marcia and Mark Holden, I’d probably need to down a bottle of hard liquor before clocking in as well.
Scott To Be Certain remains the best place to head to online for hilarious Idol blogging - the following paragraph making me guffaw loudly on Brunswick Street and led to me being on the receiving end of quite a number of curious looks…
Meanwhile, Lavinia Nixon-Williams in her performance donned a hood to remind us of her roots, then removed it to remind us of her roots. Multi-layered symbolism! Bless.
Genius.
Posted by Jess at 2:40 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)September 18, 2006
This Is My Favourite Song Of The Moment.
I heart M. Ward.
Posted by Jess at 3:56 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Two Delightful Gigs @ The East This Week.
On Tuesday night (ie: TOMORROW), one of my favourite drinking buddies - the sweet as pie Emma Heeney - will be supporting Carus on the third week of his September residency. I give you full permission to skip trivia this week to go see her work her magic, but will have to insist you return to the front bar afterwards to have a beer with me and discuss world affairs in a passionate manner.
If you haven’t made yourself any plans for this Thursday night, dear readers, then try to get yourself along to The East yet again as a GLITTERING ARRAY OF BRILLIANT PEOPLE will be appearing on stage for the launch of “Love Specifics”, the new album from Four Hours Sleep. The record itself is exquisite (and on high rotation in The Barn) and features the vocal stylings of Charles Jenkins, Stephen Cummings, Angie Hart and Paul Kelly. WHO KNOWS WHO WILL TURN UP TO SING ‘LIVE’?! At least one of them, we would hope, although I’ve no doubt the songs would still sound charming if performed as instrumentals. Not something we really need to worry about though as I have it on good authority there’ll be at least two or three warblers attending the evening’s shenanigans.
Posted by Jess at 2:50 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Dave Hill - Still A Comedic Genius.
You may remember that Ausculture interviewed US comedian Dave Hill a little while ago. He’s put another video up on YouTube - do watch it in its entirety, it made me laugh a fair bit.
Posted by Jess at 2:41 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Back For A Day!
Prepare yourself for another blog-frenzy, kids. I’m back on Brunswick Street making the most of the free wireless floating about and trying VERY HARD to give you a few things to read. Of course I’ve managed to miss most of the big stories (Naomi Robson accused of journalism? First time for everything I suppose…) so instead, I shall proffer up an online feast of pointless blogging. But be gentle with me… I went to see The Drones play last night and things got a bit festive. Here’s what I’ve been told\remember about the evening…
- I performed Thom Yorke’s “Harrowdown Hill” a capella in the front bar of The East complete with bung eye impersonation. CLASSY!
- I was sitting at a table of giggling, drink-supping ladies when suddenly - a brief moment where no one was saying anything and all was quiet at the table! This lull in conversation was thankfully broken when one of the gals piped up (seemingly with no prompting whatsoever) “You know, I’ve never gone down on a girl.” INFORMATIVE!
- Wandering around town looking for another place to have one last beverage led my chum Vikki and I to Bar Open on Brunswick Street. It was there we met two travelling French lads who were terribly impressed with my abilty to speak their language.
Me - Is that an accent?
French Boy #1 - Oui! We erh frum zee norss-wess of Frownce…
Me - Ca va?
French Boy #1 - (gleefully) Bien! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah somethingorother blah!
Me - Slow it down, frenchy. I’ve no idea what you’re saying.
I then counted to ten slowly, sang Vanessa Paridis’s “Maxou” and informed them several time in flawless French that I was not wearing a watch. CHARMING!
Vikki gave them a copy of the latest Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males album which was received gratefully but international relations soon broke down.
Vikki - So what bands are you into?
French Boy #2 - Whut?
Vikki - WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE?
French Boy #1 - Loss of deeferen kahns.
Vikki - Do you like Phoenix?
French Boy #2 - Who?
Me - PHOENIX! THAT ALBUM IS AMAZING!
French Boy #2 - Do zay seeng in Frawnch?
Me - No but… but they’re really good!
French Boy #1 - I wood seh zat mah feverate band iz probehblee, erm… Wu Tang? Wu Tang Clan?
Vikki - (scoffing) WU TANG?
French Boy #1 - (incredibly insulted) Yes, I lahk zee Wu Tang! Whut iss wrong wiss zee Wu Tang?
Vikki - Oh, nothing I supppose.
French Boy #1 - ZAY AH MAH FEVERITE!
Me - Okay.
French Boy #2 - We shood probehblee go. Eet wass nice to meet you.
Me - Take care, have a safe trip home.
Vikki - (to French Boy #1) See you later!
French Boy #1 - (scowls) (storms out).
The other people sitting on the couch turned to us and said “Well, that didn’t go well. What happened?” We explained there was a Wu Tang incident. They nodded knowingly and the one who looked like a Hell’s Angel member simply said “Fucken’ French…” to which we all shrugged and nodded. By the time the bar staff walked by and yelled “Bar Open is now closed” and I yelled back “THAT’S JUST BLATANT FALSE ADVERTISING, CHANGE YOUR NAME FOR FUCKS!”, we realised we’d reached a level of sweet obnoxiousness that could not be surpassed and it was time to head home.
FIN.
Posted by Jess at 2:35 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)September 11, 2006
Are You Here For Idol Blogging?
Well, I’m afraid I’ve been working and not caught much of the show. Useless, aren’t I?
I AM SORRY.
However, the handsome Scott To Be Certain is once again delivering the motherchucking goods (ie: LAUGHS) with his Australian Idol wrap ups so I urge you to go and check out his latest post and worship it accordingly.
PS: Dear Scott, I am following up on your email… swears! A suitable reply will come soon. Forgive me!
Posted by Jess at 3:54 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)Destiny’s Child Blooper…
Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child falls over on stage. Genius if only for the fact Beyonce refuses to even acknowledge it (“Bitch please, I am a solo star, I do not NEED to deal with yo skanky ass crack ho self messin’ up my show…”) and the look of sheer disdain from Kelly Rowland. Or as Shanes254 sums up eloquently in the comments -
Jeeze. Yall talkin bout kelly. Beyonce didnt even see. She look but didnt see. OMG. It wuz like did that girl just fall? Oh well, they still love me. Oh and yea Kelly looked like she wuz about to take out her earrings and get some vaseline and razors. Good thing Michelle got back up. Praise the Lord.
ARF!
Posted by Jess at 10:04 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Owner Of A So Called “Dangerous Breed” Of Dog?
Well then you’d best head over to this site and get yourself a poodle disguise kit.
Brilliant.
Posted by Jess at 9:25 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)“Three Things…” aka Jess Does One Of Them Meme Thingos.
1. Three things that scare me
- Ants (This is seriously true. I told my friend Ang about my ant fear the other day and she found it hilarious so I pushed her into traffic to teach her an important lesson about mocking peoples phobias. Ants are awful! They bite you between your toes! Sometimes they bite you in the pants region when you’re just about to pash a boy at a party when you’re thirteen years old! Erm. So I’ve heard.)
- Revealing my fears in a public forum (because if I am ever kidnapped by an insane sicko serial killer, he’s one quick Googlesearch away from knowing exactly how to make me suffer the most.)
- Fashion (This one just came to me as a girl in strange chequered happypants walked by me with a poem written on her back. I dress like a deranged homeless person who stole their torn wardrobe from Savers though, so who am I to judge?)
2. Three People Who Make Me Laugh
- My best friends (let’s pretend they’re all one person because truth be told, I can’t choose between them and they’re all extremely funny and clever buggers).
- Papalazarou
- The genius of Tina Fey.
3. Three Things I Hate The Most
I don’t really “do” hate because I find it boring but…
- My lack of self-discipline.
- Ignorance.
- Neil Young’s music. Although many chums swear they could change this if I only gave them the chance to educate me. I remain sceptical.
4. Three Things I Don’t Understand
- People who actually like - not just vote for, but like - John Howard.
- People who aren’t passionate about music.
- Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to let Danielle from Big Brother release a cover of Underworld’s “Underneath The Radar”.
5. Three Things I’m Doing Right Now
- Typing, obviously.
- Supping a latte on Brunswick Street.
- Shivering.
6. Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die
- Backpack around Europe. And maybe Africa. Possibly Asia. Fuck it, I want to see the world…
- Get a dog.
- God, I don’t know. Not get drunk whilst hosting trivia?
7. Three Things I Can Do
- Play guitar.
- Play Japanese rock-paper-scissors.
- Impersonate Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain.
8. Three Ways To Describe My Personality
- Piscean.
- Ask my friends.
- Because I’m stumped. My first answer may well encapsulate everything.
9. Three Things I Can’t Do
- Save money (but I’m working on it).
- Deal with people being mad or disappointed with me.
- Quit smoking (but I’m working on it).
10. Three Things I Think You Should Listen To
As of today?
- CASSIUS’s “Toop Toop”
- The Triffids’ “Life Of Crime”
- Ratatat’s “Loud Pipes”
11. Three Things You Should Never Listen To
- The haters.
- The neo-conservatives (right on, Nadsy)
- French clairvoyants (I will explain this to you personally one day, swears).
12. Three Things I’d Like To Learn
- Another language.
- Have I mentioned self-discipline?
- Piano.
13. Three Favourite Foods
- The chicken roll thingos at Peko Peko.
- The schnitzel burger at The Corner.
- I Carusi’s dessert pizzas, specifically the white chocolate and pear one followed by the chocolate calzone.
14. Three Beverages I Drink Regularly
- Beer.
- Lattes.
- Various energy drinks. Yes, I am aware I am simply weeks away from dropping dead from a massive coronary.
15. Three Shows I Watched As A Kid
- Secret Valley (I was OBSESSED with this as a wee kidlet, possibly due to the episode where one of the gang bottled a fart in a jar.)
- Neighbours (I still remember the day a young Charlene Ramsay was sprung trying to break into Number 24)
- Dallas (This was when I lived in Indonesia and my parents would receive the entire series on videotape and watch it all in one sitting. Although truth be told, I was more into the theme song than the show itself and would drag my tiny toy piano down the stairs the second I heard the opening strains in order to bang along to it. Then I’d wait back up in my room until I could hear the closing credits and return with aforementioned piano to continue irritating family and friends with my musical interpretation…)
I shall tag no one because I think every man and his dog has done this “meme” - am I right?
Posted by Jess at 9:25 AM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)Extreme Blogging!
READERS!
I am so sorry for my absence. As mentioned before, I have lost the free wireless at home. I’ve also been busy…
- Writing and hosting trivia!
- Eating the bass player from Okkervil River’s spicy curry (not a metaphor)!
- Working every fucking night!
- Catching up with my dear ex father-in-not-actual-law-but-you-know-what-I-mean and regaling him with tales of my new Melbourne life (“Really poor! Not very successful! Marvel at my track marks!” - I jest, of course…)
- Sewing my clothes together!
- Receiving mail from Dr Karl Kennedy! (I am not fucking joking - our correspondence is deeply personal so I will not reproduce it here but rest assured the phrase “banging whores” was used. FOR REALS.)
- Writing stuff for money! (Well, the promise of money…)
- Rubbing holy water from Lourdes onto my seemingly possessed iPod!
- Spreading the gospel of The Veronicas!
I have a few minutes to spare at a cafe with free wireless before I bound off into the sunny streets of Melbourne to get some much needed tasks done before work today, so I am going to go on a blogging frenzy and make many, many posts. One of them will be a meme, which I normally don’t do because you lot don’t give a rat’s arse about me personally - you’re just here for the YouTube videos, Britney Spears commentary and rude words, god love you - but my beloved faux bro Dave the Scot tagged me and I can’t say no to a man with a penchant for kilts.
PS: Thank you all for your emails, I will attend to them as soon as I can. You’re adorable, the lot of ya.
Posted by Jess at 9:25 AM Link | TrackBack (0)September 6, 2006
We Interrupt This Blog-Silence To Bring You… SURI MOTHERFUCKING CRUISE!
She sure looks like Katie, doesn’t she? Well done, Ms Holmes and L Ron Hubbard’s frozen man-broth Mr Cruise!
August 30, 2006
ARGH ETC!
Sorry for disappearing (AGAIN), gang. Various thrilling reasons behind it, but mostly - MOSTLY - the free internet has disappeared from Chezculture and so it is I find myself tapping away wildly at a cafe on Brunswick Street, desperately hoping the battery of my trusty steed (IE LAPTOP) lasts long enough for me to bang something out for you. If anyone wants to sponsor Ausculture and pay for internet access in exchange for… erm, something… do holler. We is paw-yah, yo!
BEST PHOTO EVER (PART ONE)
Seriously, check this out.
My beloveds Genny B and Fluffy went to check out ol’ megaschlong (and Big Brother winner) Jamie when he spent twenty four hours in a Myers store window last week. Look at how in love Gen and Jamie are with each other! JUST LOOK! Gooooodbye Katie!
When I asked Gen if I could post this on ausculture.com, she replied (and I quote) “Go nuts. I LOVE HIM.”
Looks like it’s the real thing, folks!
BEST PHOTO EVER (PART TWO)
Oh Britney, your facial expressions will be the happy death of me, I swears to god.
AND?
Now I must run, lovers. I have to go and meet my dear chum for coffee and chinwags, and besides - I can’t spend ALL afternoon at an internet cafe, CAN I? No. No I can’t.
I shall return as soon as humanly possible.
PS: Tonight’s I’d Rather Jack Top Ten looks like being Summery Songs. HUZZAH FOR FINE WEATHER!
Posted by Jess at 3:48 PM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)August 21, 2006
This Headline Took Me To A Disturbing Visual Place.
PM’s package won’t ease pump pain.
Once again, I should mention I am remarkably immature for a twenty five year old woman.
I broke myself over the weekend so I’m afraid this post’ll be it until Wednesday when my brain is due to return home. However, readers in Melbourne should definitely get themselves down to The East on Tuesday night for another week of So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia, if only on the off-chance of catching another dance off for first place.
Here’s a hint for our trash culture round - make sure you read the UK tabloids this week.
Posted by Jess at 11:42 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)August 18, 2006
Best. MySpace. Comment. Ever.
And by “best”, I mean “the most hilariously wrong”…
Some readers may be aware that I succumbed to the magic of MySpace sometime last year. I didn’t really understand it at all when I first joined up, and avoided the place for a good few months thinking “Well, that was pointless. It just appears to be a place for idiots to make in-jokes about each other.” Then it occurred to me - it was pointless and it allowed me to make idiotic in-jokes about my chums on their profiles! WHAT COULD BE MORE WHOLESOME AND FUN!?
Other than being a place where the foolishness of my chums can run rampant, it is also a great resource if you’re into studying fuckwits. And I am. Oh lord, I truly, truly am. I am endlessly amused by the sparkling animations and terrible poems and lol-filled odes to love people throw about on MySpazz.
An animated gif in the wild - MySpazz, yesterday.
Anyway, some lady (let’s refer to her as Bronny) added me on MySpace a few months ago and since I am all about catching up and rivalling Genny B’s epic number of friends , I approved her request and she became one of my people. Heh. Except… the woman sends around IDIOTIC BULLETINS EVERY GODDAMN FIVE MINUTES. They’re all multiple choice quizzes. They’re also incredibly and painfully stupid. Over at The East, I keep my boss amused by reading out the subject lines of Bronny’s latest bulletins in a particularly spazzy voice - stuff like “Who do you think Jesus really was?” and “How can we fix the situation in the Middle East” which, you know, are the sorts of queries easily answered through multiple choice questionnaires where you can choose one of four options and there’s a flashing animated background image spurring you forward to the point of an aneurysm.
Last night I was doorbitching at The East and explaining the concept of MySpazz to my bouncer sidekick Phil. We decided to trawl through Bronny’s MySpace page’s comments thread reasoning that she’d probably have equally stupid friends and we could laugh at them. We were right. The place was a veritable GOLDMINE of bad poetry, ASCII art and appalling Microsoft Paint-made jpegs saying “Thanks for being a friend!”.
And then?
Then we came across the greatest comment of all time.
Before I tell you what it is, I should explain that Bronny is (apparently) a blonde haired blue eyed forty year old single mother. Her profile photo has been ever so slightly photoshopped to make her look a bit younger - or at the very least, like the long lost sister of Jude Law’s character in AI: Artificial Intelligence. There is also a picture of her on her album page where she is holding a small child who appears to be at least partly of South East Asian descent. The picture has no description under it, so there is nothing to say it’s not her child, or a grandchild, or a niece or nephew - you get my point. It’s 2006, people. Get with the times.
Alright. Here is the comment left by a twenty year old Hillsong chick from Coffs Harbour. Brace yourselves.
hi Bronny, lol, I added you. I cant beleive your 40!!! Im not a lezzo or anything(yuk) but you are soo pretty for an older female…. please dont take offence to that, its a compliment…. in other words your really pretty lol…. Is that your cute black baby? not being racist, I love black kids they are adorable, cuter then white ones, lol..POST ME, lol…
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
i) Excessive and random use of the hideous “lol” - ONE POINT!
ii) Bad grammar, overenthusiastic distribution of exclamation marks, and spelling mistakes - ONE POINT!
iii) Appreciation of subject’s physical appearance followed by the obligatory hardcore Christian-esque denial of any lesbionic undertones (yuk) - ONE POINT!
iv) IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY! - ONE POINT!
v) I’m sorry, but - IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY?! - ONE POINT AGAIN!
vi) NOT BEING RACIST, I LOVE BLACK KIDS THEY ARE ADORABLE, CUTER THEN WHITE ONES, LOL - ONE BILLION POINTS!
vii) And then, subtly sandwiched between “lols”, a demand for reciprocal MySpazz comment love - ONE POINT!
All in all, I give this MySpace comment 1000000000006 points.
In a world of Angelina Jolies and United Colors of Benetton commercials, it can be a very confusing job to work out whether someone’s adopted a fashionable “cute black baby” for their very own or whether they’re just fronting some sort of ad campaign. It’s best to try and clarify these sorts of things.
Oh, and on the page actually featuring the photo of the aforementioned “cute black baby” and Bronny? Someone has commented “Were you involved in an aid project?”
DO YOU SEE? COS SHE’S HOLDING A DARKIE! SHE LIK REBECCA GIBNEY LOLOLOLOL!!!11!!
Needless to say, the catchphrase during knock off time at The East last night was “HAY GUYZ IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY?”. It punctuated most sentences. Awkward silences were now happily filled. And when references to “your cute black baby” got old, we were able to smoothly switch over and begin peppering our chitchat with “I didn’t know you were involved in an aid project!”
In short - MySpace is full of fuckwits who are wrong in the head. This is why it is my spiritual home.
Posted by Jess at 1:19 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)A Summary Of I’d Rather Jack’s Radiothon Show.
This is going to be a halfarsed post of epic proportions but I’m afraid I’ve had about ten hours sleep in the past fifty six hours and Dave the Scot is due to turn up at my place any minute for Thursday Friday Breakfast Club so I must bang this out as quickly as possible…
How’d we go? Pretty fucking well, actually! The show was wonderfully haphazard and shouty and excitable, and we got a surprising amount of subscribers so it’s safe to say we’re pleased as punch! For those of you curious, here’s what the musician guests who were able to come in and perform live to air belted out for RRR-fans’ pleasure\amusement.
Dan Kelly and Dan Luscombe - Huey Lewis & The News “If This Is It”
Triple J album-of-the-week-ers, the startlingly handsome Dan Kelly and Dan Luscombe from Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males, came in to croon along to a karaoke backing track of the Huey Lewis hit “If This Is It”. Highlights of their time on air include the two minutes of pre-sing along discussion regarding Huey’s cock size (he’s notoriously packing heat, by the by), and Luscy - for the whole last minute of the song - asking in a deadpan voice “Is this it? If this is it… this is it, isn’t it? OH! So this is it?” whilst Dan Kelly worked some falsetto magic. A right laugh. And god love ‘em for coming in to the studio for a midnight til two am show considering they had to leave for a tour at seven the following morning. CHAMPEENS!
Jess McAvoy - Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield”
Another one who went above and beyond in the name of all things community (and, erm, radio). Jess is moving to Sydney today and had been up since four am on Wednesday morning organising removalist trucks, etc. Despite a dastardly lack of sleep, the lady strolled into the studio and worked some deadset magic on the Benatar hit as Clem and I swayed appreciatively along. She also threw a RRR rubber chicken at my head when I walked by her later on and called me bad names. So essentially it was like spending time with an old friend. Jess McAvoy? We salute you!
Mandy Kane - Backstreet Boys’ “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back!”)
Another delightful RRR supporting performer who had the honour of howling along to a karaoke backing track live on air - AGAIN, NO EXPENSE WAS SPARED FOR YOUR LISTENING PLEASURE, RADIO LOVERS! Mr Kane was very sweet and also, liked to refer to monkeys a fair bit. This confused me at the time but with reflection, I think it might actually be a nickname his fans have given him. I dunno. Maybe he just digs simians? Regardless, Clem and I got to pretend we were in a recording studio when we provided the back up vocals to his performance (“Yeah!” and “Ooooh!” from memory) and that’s all that counts. Danke to the very sweet Mandy Kane!
Jess and Clem - Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl”
We fulfilled a promise to do this one a capella after managing to get five new subscribers in a ten minute period. Were we in tune? Did we know the lyrics? Friends, I hardly think that was the point. What was the point? We don’t know. It was a confusing night. But fun! FUN!
Angie Hart - Michael Bolton’s “How Can We Be Lovers”
Oh. My. Lord. Where to start? Well, first I’d like to give Ms Hart, on behalf of Clem and myself, a big fucking thank you for arriving at the station at 11:30pm and sticking around til the very very very very end. THAT IS HOW MUCH SHE LOVES RRR, PEOPLE! But back to the “performance”… Now, Angie and I had discussed the possibility of covering quite a few songs - Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater”, Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” (Ang’s impersonation of Shakira singing “Mbaby meh heeps don lai…” is frighteningly and hilariously spot on) - but what can I say? The woman is partial to Bolton. Dare I say it… obsessed with Bolton? So “How Can We Be Lovers” it was. AND WHAT A TRULY TOUCHING RENDITION OF THE OLD CLASSIC! We’d practiced the song together, oh - I don’t know - about three times ever? I was a bit festive from wine and forgot the chords halfway through, we all got confused about the lyrics - but did this stop Angie, Clem and I from delivering a blistering “set”? Nay. Because we are professionals. Horrifyingly, a fan of our dear guest actually captured the on air rock balladry in .wav format and has already popped it online but you’ll have to seek that out yourselves, folks. I heard about thirty seconds of it last night, doubled over with laughter and then hit delete. I think I’d prefer to keep it a blurred, joyous memory than relive it through the magic of technology.
We also had FUCKING AMAZING pre-recorded covers from the likes of the handsome Dynamo (who did the Haddaway classic “What Is Love?”), Children Collide & Midnight Juggernaughts (who collaborated to record a version of Michael Sembello’s “Maniac”), and possibly my favourite cover evs was The Blow Waves (aka Matt from The Mavis’s and Jamie from Love Outside Andromeda) doing Dannii’s “I Begin To Wonder” acoustically.
Thanks again to all the guests who came in or contributed something for the show, and even MORE thanks must go to the listeners of RRR who have been subscribing over the past week. I recognised the names of a few bloggers who rang up to pledge money (big ups to Bucky, MSKP and… oh lord, there was someone else and I’ve forgotten because I am so tired which makes me DREADFUL but do know we adore you) and hey, it’s not too late to do your thing if you haven’t been able to subscribe yet! Just head to this address and you can do it over the net. Huzzah!
Posted by Jess at 11:03 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)August 16, 2006
Random Delights!
Oh god, where to start, where to start…
I’ve been a right shit with updating this here blog, but I do hope you can forgive me. I’ve been busy with the usual (writing trivia questions, door bitching around town, scraping pennies from the bottom of wishing fountains) and also preoccupied with the rather important business of sorting my head out and being happy. Once again, I’d like to reiterate that I have the best mates in the world. MOVING ON… Would you like some headings in bold? OF COURSE YOU WOULD!
RADIOTHON
Those of you who have spied me on MySpace and\or have bothered visiting ausculture.com over the last week would be aware of the I’d Rather Jack radiothon effort. The adorable Emma Heeney has been forced to pull out due to a larynx incident (not to be confused with a Cosima DeVito-esque nodules drama - in this case the problem is genuine, poor love) but nevertheless, we have even more musical gods prepared to put in the hard yards in the name of pop so there’s still every reason to tune in.
In fact, I (YES, ME - SHE FROM AUSCULTURE OMG WTF?!?!!1) will be strumming disastrously whilst an adorable singer belts our her wares. So while tomorrow night MIGHT sound shambolic, rest assured that the posse of musos have been working hard to ensure it’s not overly torturous radio. Oh, who am I kidding? It’ll be hilarious and unprofessional, just as you’d expect an I’d Rather Jack show to be. Do set your tape recorders (or whatever you technologically advanced kids use to preserve sounds from various sources) and try to subscribe.
Kate Hudson Leaves Chris Robinson!
Yes, it’s true. Kate has left the frontman for Counting Crows The Black Crowes, much to the surprise of me and… well, not too many from my household. I never wanted it to last but I’m still rather shocked they’ve separated. My dear chum Vikki explained it rather nicely this evening when she told me “… Kate wouldn’t have announced it a few months ago because she wouldn’t want to have dealt with it whilst having to deal with publicity for You, Me and Dupree” which makes a lot of sense. Regardless, the big question is - WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO GIVE THEIR CHILD A FUCKING HAIRCUT JESUS PLEASE IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE ADDRESS THIS ISSUE AT ONCE, ROBINSON\HUDSON PEOPLE!
Lady Sings Catchy Song
The handsome Matt Mavis sent me this and it’s worth checking out.
Girls Are Not Funny,
Dear chums, I’ll leave this in your capable hands. Whilst I can concur that most mainstream comedians worth their grain of salt are male, the funniest and cleverest people I know are female. They’re dark, quick and shameless. Even the ones you wouldn’t expect. So either Mr Sam (not to be confused with the also exceedingly shitful Ms Sam Fairfax blogger - “Flirting. Chasing. Cheating. Love. Sex. Romance. Bleah.” - please stab me in the vagina right now, you vacuous fool) isn’t meeting the right kind of ladies or every single gut-busting woman I know is an anomaly. Either way, you lot need to check out the bevy of witty ladies I know and love.
Trivia!
A word to be feared on Ausculture, I know. It usually leads to an onslaught of talk of chicken parmas and flirtation. But seriously - tonight at The East was a BRILLIANT night. Birthdays, drunken shenanigans on microphones (that’d be me and George), and A MOTHERCHUCKING DANCEOFF TO KENNY LOGGINS FOR FIRST PLACE! I kid you not. The guy who “busted a move” and won was an absolute genius. George and I were totally impressed and we made him do an encore to Pat Benatar’s Love Is A Battlefield. I can only speak for the trivia peeps but we fell deeply in love with this mystery man (I think his name was Richard - or maybe FUTURE MR AUSCULTURE). If you’re not at The Corner tomorrow night or at The East next week, you’re a fool. Unless you live interstate, in which case - fair play, chum. Fair play.
THERE IS LOADS MORE!
But I truly don’t know where to start. If I can blog when I get to my partner in crime’s place to practice Radiothon tune tomorrow I will, but if I don’t - do tune in, and I will be thrusting myself headfirst into the blogging caper on Thursday… Friday at the latest.
Please keep the dream alive!
PS: Al Cad, I like you a lot. I wrote a Big Brother finale wrap but then Firefox had a fit and died before I could save it, so I never bothered retyping it. I liked that you banged a report online in the comments. In fact, I just like the cut of your jib. Do keep it up.
THE REST OF YOU?
Inappropriate touching, of course xxx
PPS: I’m half cut as I type this but I thought you deserved a post, no matter how idiotic. Do forgive me and any typos I make. The Barn is calling… Posted by Jess at 12:17 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
August 9, 2006
RRR Radiothon All Star Covers!
Sorry for being a bit absent for the past week or so! Those of you who care will be pleased to know that this is a direct result of having a life\working a fair bit\devoting far too much of my time to supping coffees at Rays in Brunswick and not because I am in a sooky mood again.
ANYWAY!
I’d Rather Jack, the shoddy but sweet lil’ radio show I host with the EXPLOSIVE Clem Bastow, will be experiencing the joy and wonder of living through a community radio station’s annual plea for bucks… RADIOTHON!
To celebrate and encourage you lot to ring up and subscribe (as though the feeling of goodness deep in your heart and potential to win ace prizes wasn’t enough), Clem and I have a VERY special show planned. Some of our favourite artists will be stepping up to the microphones and performing a VERY special pop song cover! Doesn’t that sound VERY special? It certainly makes ME feel VERY special! I am hungover, please move on.
We don’t want to ruin the surprise by telling you which songs are being covered, but we CAN tell you some of the lovely musicians who will be ‘doing their bit’ for both community radio and your ears.
::drumroll::
- Angie Hart!
- Jess McAvoy!
- The Blow Waves!
- Sandrine!
- Dynamo!
- Dan Kelly!
- Emma Heeney!
- Midnight Juggernauts!
- Beki & The Bullets!
- The Amazing Phillips Sisters!
- And MORE, if you can believe it!
You know you want to hear it.
WEDNESDAY 16TH AUGUST FROM MIDNIGHT, TRIPLE R 102.7FM OR STREAMING ONLINE!!
Update - I’ve now added links to the relevant MySpace pages so if you’re unfamiliar with the folks mentioned above, you can check them out in your own time. There are some great songs available to listen to on there. Good-o.
Posted by Jess at 5:39 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)We Are The Web
Well. Isn’t this a catchy tune?
Posted by Jess at 5:23 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)August 7, 2006
Trivizzle My Nizzles!
Since it’s been a while, I figured it’s time to once again plug the hottest craze occuring Tuesday nights in East Brunswick! Don’t question me.
________________
On behalf of Dave the Scotsman, George H and myself, I’d like to remind you all of a little something we call So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? Rock and Pop Culture Trivia.
SERIOUSLY JESS, WE’RE BOTH AWARE OF AND BORED BY THE CONCEPT.
My, what a sharp tongue we have today? Hush. We’re not saying you’re “bad people” or “disloyal” or even “an evil Liberal voter who probably caught syphilis from a crack-addled hooker” if you don’t come. This is just a friendly reminder. Because we’re friends.
Although Dave’s been spreading that Liberal-voting-syphilis thing around town about you, if you’re wondering about the funny looks you were getting last week.
HMMPH.
Stop sooking and come eat a ten buck parma in a venue filled with love and more tasteful wood panelling than you can poke a stick at. Bring your friends, your family, your lovers, your pets. (POSSIBLY NOT PETS DUE TO COMPLICATED OCCUPATIONAL HEALTH AND SAFETY RULES)
A chicken parma in the wild - yesterday.
DETAILS AND MAKE HASTE.
7:30pm each Tuesday night. East Brunswick Club (corner of Lygon and Albert St). #1 and #8 trams will get you there. You can win jugs of beer or just say hello. We miss you. You never call, you never write… I can’t think of the last time you bought me flowers.
FINE.
Fine.
SO.
(tugs at collar)
THIS HAS GOTTEN UNCOMFORTABLE HASN’T IT?
A little. I’d better go, I think I hear my mum calling me for tea.
(moves toward virtual door and throws insincere smile your way before running outside)
________________
So. If you haven’t found the time to make it down to The East on a Tuesday, rock up and see how you go. You may even find love (seriously - two of our punters met at trivia and are now in the beautiful honeymoon stage of romance!). And if that’s not enough to lure you there, at least turn up and watch the vicious mental fisticuffs between the Mess and Noise team and the blogworld posse.
WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR ON A TUESDAY NIGHT?
And Marissa’s dead, for fucks. Get out of the house.
Posted by Jess at 9:07 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Your Monday Viewing Assignment.
Trust me.
PART ONE
PART TWO
PART THREE
Stephen Colbert may have fucked with Wikipedia but after watching the above, I’ll forgive him anything.
Posted by Jess at 3:18 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)August 2, 2006
Introducing… Mr Dave Hill.
A few months ago, Ms Fits emailed me this link and declared that the star of the video was her “new favourite person in the world”. I sought out more videos of the fellow and sure enough, it became clear to every single person I know (or at the very least, my housemates and their lovers and various chums) that he was quite the comedic genius.
This was the clip that sold me.
The man behind the funnies? Ladies and gentlemen, please meet Dave Hill.
Clem and I will be interviewing Dave tonight on I’d Rather Jack at around 12.30am, which works out to be a pretty reasonable time where Dave is. Excellent. You can listen on 102.7FM if you’re in Melbourne, otherwise you can stream the show from the RRR website.
Until then - here’s a quick interview I did with Dave so you can get an idea of what the man’s about. Jolly good.
Q. Who the hell are you, and what do you do? Please feel free to lie and\or embellish as you see fit.Posted by Jess at 1:30 PM Link | Comments (4)
My name is Dave Hill and I am one of the world’s greatest entertainers, which is to say that I am pretty much exactly like Tobey Maguire only a bit taller. I would like to think I also have better hair but I guess that’s not really for me to say.
Q. You’re to be interviewed by I’d Rather Jack quite shortly. What do you hope to gain from exposure to an Australian community radio show’s seventeen devoted listeners*?
I’m hoping this will cut down on all the namecalling I am usually subjected to when I come down there. Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, I have never been there but I’m told it’s quite nice. If I pop for the air fare, can I stay at your house? Be honest. If this is not cool you need to give me the heads up on this right now so I can make other arrangements. I am tired of the bullshit.
Q. What can listeners of RRR expect to hear from you when they tune in on Wednesday night… Crazy conspiracy theories? Extraordinary showbiz tales? Frighteningly detailed descriptions of physical ailments?
I imagine it will be not unlike when the Beatles first came to America, only it will be just one guy instead of four guys and I will only be on the phone and not really there in person. Also, I will not have nearly as much to offer aside from the great hair mentioned in response to question #1. Still, I think it will be a great day for me and hopefully a slightly better one for the people of Australia. I plan to make light chit-chat mostly and then at one point I will inexplicably burst into tears and then in the background you might hear someone yelling at me about putting some goddamn pants on before I just go sitting on the good furniture like that. Then there will be a long silence followed shortly after by the resuming of the sounds of a grown man crying. Then I will reveal to your audience that I have been a delicious sandwich throughout the course of the interview.
*We jest, we jest. There’s at least forty.
July 31, 2006
Tonight’s Big Brother Finale | BB06
I am sitting in Suges loungeroom and the Big Brother finale is about to kick off. The beloved members of the Melbourne Big Brother Society (MBBS) are crowded around the television, eating cheese and biscuits, supping wine and beer, and screaming wildly at sporadic moments.
I am pleased to be here, sharing this moment, with such fine upstanding citizens.
Time for a snap poll.
WHO SHOULD WIN
Ms Fits - Camilla
Genny B - Jamie
Sugar - Camilla
Hotman - Camilla
Dirty Derek - Jamie
Fluffy - Camilla
Ukulele - Camilla
Jess - Camilla
WHO WILL WIN
Ms Fits - Jamie
Genny B - Jamie
Sugar - Jamie
Hotman - Camilla
Dirty Derek - Jamie
Fluffy - Camilla
Ukulele - Camilla
Jess - Jamie
IN SHORT…
Six out of eight MBBS members believe Camilla is the deserving winner. However, five out of eight believe Jamie will emerge the victor.
Hold your breath, people. Let’s see how we go…
PS: Hotman declared tonight that “if Camilla wins, it means Labor will win the next election”. Which means it’ll definitely be Logan Jamie’s eviction UNLESS THERE IS A (NON HILLSONG) GOD!
Posted by Jess at 6:59 PM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)Lindsay Lohan Chastised By Producer.
Each time I feel a bit down in the dumps due to the knowledge that John Howard is now going to be around for at least three more years, I take a moment to read the following letter to Lindsay Lohan from James G Robinson, chief executive of the production company behind the latest flick Lindsay’s filming called Georgia Rules. Then I think “Ahhh well. At least there’s someone* out there in nearly as much trouble as this country’s moral conscience**”.
Click for bigger.
For those of you not up to date with Lindsay’s health woes and the reasons behind them, Best Week Ever published a handy translation guide which I shall now reproduce.
“Dehydration” - too much booze.
“Exhaustion” - too much blow.
“Overheating” - too much booze and blow on the beach.
* Well, two people really. But don’t blame Mel Gibson, it’s the demon drink which led him to freely expressing his views on those damn world-running Jews out loud whilst getting arrested in LA!
** (whistles innocently) (smirks)
Posted by Jess at 11:59 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)A Nice Way To Begin Your Monday, Folks.
I blame having parents who used to allow me to watch Are You Being Served? with them when I was a wee lass for my disgustingly immature sense of humour. My dear housemate Nat and I just searched for some clips from the show on You Tube and then proceeded to laugh hysterically at the following two snippets.
Nat’s gone to bed now and I’m still watching them on repeat. And marvelling not only at the fact that there were scriptwriters who were paid to write such ridiculous lines involving the word “pussy” but also that they were able to come up with at least one or two insanely juvenile Slocombe-pussy-based gags per episode.
It is a testament to a work ethic and dedication to wordsmithery I can only dream of, as evidenced by my use of “wordsmithery” just then. For this reason, I choose today to salute the writers of Are You Being Served?… and I hope you take a moment to give them the love they deserve too.
WE ARE NOT WORTHY.
Posted by Jess at 7:19 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)July 30, 2006
Best Big Brother Moment Ever | BB06
Two gay lovers reunited on live television where they tightly embrace each other - to the sound of rapturous applause provided by an amphitheatre full of average Australians?
Beautiful. It almost makes me feel better about Jamie being in the final two.
CAMILLA TO WIN!*
*When did you EVER think you’d hear those words from me, eh?
PS: The dashing and handsome Richard Watts has some thoughts on the above topic as well - check it out.
Posted by Jess at 10:24 PM Link | Comments (28) | TrackBack (0)You Know It’s ‘Art’ Because It Has Subtitles.
My dearest gal pal Ang forwarded me something today and I think I love it a fair bit. Mostly for the lonely pea who whimpers a grateful “Merci!” for being eaten. I know that sentence doesn’t make ANY sense whatsoever so you’d best click on this and see what I’m talking about for yourself.
Posted by Jess at 10:15 PM Link | TrackBack (0)July 29, 2006
This Is One Of The Greatest Things Ever Created.
And as you all know, I am not one for hyperbole.
Muchos thanks to Housemate Ted Dancin’ for alerting me to the above clip.
IT WILL BE THE SONG OF THE SUMMER, MARK MY WORDS!
PS: Yes, I know web-savvy folks out there probably witnessed the magic of Macarron Chacarron a while back but I choose to represent the more backwater types on this here blog - hence I’m pretending it’s not already an internet phenomenon.
Posted by Jess at 7:53 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)July 27, 2006
My Sweet Lord…
I don’t want to brag, but the explosive CLEMBASTOW and I have, unless the gods strike us down, some BRILLIANT fucking artists lined up to perform some UNEXPECTED and AMAZING COVERS (the capitalisation is worthy, trust me) during RRR’s Radiothon in a few weeks time.
Stay tuned. Seriously. It’ll be worth recording. Be prepared to donate.
(details to follow)
PS: Dudes, I am not joking. One of the best vocalists in the world and a Michael Bolton song? Fucking brace yourselves.
Posted by Jess at 11:59 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)WHAT SORT OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?!
A Melbourne schoolboy ranked hugging the Prime Minister as one of the most exciting moments in his short life - but he’s willing to trade that in for winning the Head of the River rowing competition.
Teenager Stephen Battaglia, a Year 11 student at Carey Grammar School and rower in the school’s first eight, embraced John Howard as he passed on his morning walk in Melbourne yesterday.
ARE YOU FOR SERIOUS, STEPHEN? First you fucking hug the old bastard instead of jamming the screw driver you were clutching up his clacker, and now you’re rating the experience as the most exciting moment in your life?
He said the Prime Minister took it all in good spirits. “He was just laughing pretty much, just smiling going ‘ha ha ha’,” he recalled. But the reaction from his friends was anything but laid back: “Do you realise what you’ve just done? You’ve hugged the Prime Minister, that’s awesome.”
The words “Prime Minister” and “awesome” do not belong in a sentence together. Ever. Especially from teenagers. I thought the youth of today enjoyed listening to Linkin Park and feeling bitter toward authority figures? THAT’S THE WAY GOD INTENDED THINGS TO BE, WHY ARE THEY NOT LIVING UP TO THEIR END OF THE BARGAIN?
I am bewildered, I truly am.
Posted by Jess at 4:25 PM Link | Comments (113) | TrackBack (0)Emma Heeney @ Northcote Social Club Tonight
The beautiful Emma Heeney kindly agreed to be interviewed by ausculture.com last week but as yours truly is disorganised beyond belief, it just never happened.
NONETHELESS.
In lieu of a revealing and cutting edge interview, I shall simply inform you that she is a doll* and rather talented and if you are in Melbourne tonight, you should definitely go to her album launch at Northcote Social Club. Here’s the press release about her new record.
After six years with Brisbane come Melbourne band ‘Gorgeous’, Emma Heeney is stepping out alone for the first time. ‘Gorgeous’ had success on the indie scene playing festivals such as Livid, The Valley Fiesta, Port Fairy & the Woodford Folk Festival and touring nationally headling their own shows and supporting the likes of Damien Rice, Pete Murray, The Whitlams, Frente and The Waifs to name a few.
With five recordings (with Gorgeous), substantial airplay on national radio, televison appearances on the ABC, channel seven and channel nine and multiple guest appearances in albums including Pete Murray’s ‘Feeler’ under her belt, Emma Heeney is set to launch her debut solo album.
Recorded at Eastern Bloc Studios (Hawthorn, VIC) in March/April 2006, ‘Dreaming of Bridges’ boasts an all star cast including Peter Luscome (Paul Kelly), Angie Hart (Frente/Splendid/Holidays on Ice), Wally De Backer (Gotye/The Basics), Thomas McGowan (Folding For Air), Jadey O’Regan (Jane vs World) and Ben Tolliday (Trinkets) with strings arranged by Emma Dean (Kate Miller-Heidke band).
And that, as they say, is that.
*For reals. I met her on my first night in Melbourne when I moved in October and she bought me drinks and chatted merrily and was basically a gem. Then I find out she plays music and is fucking good at it to boot. COULD I ADORE HER MORE? Unlikely.
Posted by Jess at 3:51 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)July 26, 2006
Birthday Wishes For The PM
HAY GUYS ITS UR BIRTHDAY LOLOLOL!!11!
WE WISH A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY& MANY MORE YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB FOR ALL OF AUSTRIALIA WE THANK YOU & HOPE YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK & ONLY WHEN YOU ARE READY
TO RETIRE DO IT WITH GRACE & DIGNITY AS YOU HAVE ALWAYS
DONE AS THE P,M, OF AUSTRALIA ….KEEP ON WALKING IT KEEKS YOU WELL AHEAD OFTHE LABOR PARTY THEY AER A JOKE…. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN YOU LOOK GREAT AT 67
KEVIN & MARGARET
Posted: Wed 26 Jul 06 at 10:47am
TANKS KEVIN & MARGARET YOU AER TOO KIND. KEEK ON KEEKING ON!
Bwahaha….. Pish Posh to the bitter whiners, Howards done a fantastic job evolving Australia. Happy Birthday John!
Cry More
Posted: Wed 26 Jul 06 at 10:25am
I can’t believe the beautifully named Cry More managed to bang out a “Bwahaha” in a birthday message and then follow it on by actually using the expression “pish posh”. GENIUS.
John Howard has good health, a loving wife and family, as well as the deep affection, trust, and respect of the overwhelming majority of fairminded Australians. He also has job security. No amount of impotent vitriolic bile from the professional Howard Haters of the Lunatic Left is going to change any of that. Those who spit venom at him make a far far greater comment about themselves than they do about Australia’s greatest Prime Minister. Happy Birthday John. If and when you eventually step down as PM, would you mind if we appointed you King? That would really get up their noses!!
Roger
Posted: Wed 26 Jul 06 at 09:46am
Arf - what a jolly good idea, Roger! Way to teach those Republic-supporting Lunatic Lefties a lesson! GET THAT UP YOU, VENOM SPITTERS!
Posted by Jess at 12:19 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)Happy Birthday, Cunteyes.
Sixty seven today, eh? Congratulations! May all your dreams come true*.
*Only if your dreams involve painful bouts of haemorrhoids, erectile dysfunction and Janette going mental and kicking you repeatedly in the nuts for no explicable reason.
Posted by Jess at 9:51 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)July 25, 2006
Are You In A Bad Mood?
Cheer up, sook.
May I suggest listening to Chic’s Everybody Dance (Clap Your Hands) if you need to perk up? It’s doing wonders for me. Expect it to be played quite loudly tonight between quiz rounds at The East Brunswick Club (should you come to trivia).
I WILL STOP BLOGGING NOW I PROMISE.
Wow. It’s kinda nice to feel back in the swing of things.
Posted by Jess at 12:48 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)If You Are In Melbourne Tonight…
… then you’d want to be attending trivia at the East Brunswick Club from 7.30pm onwards.
And after you eat your ten buck parma and drink a few pots so you’re on your way to getting merrily shickered, you can then walk down a little hallway and attend the gig of this man…
That’s right, Bob Log III’s back in town and tonight’s show promises to be a delight beyond mortal comprehension.
So there you have it.
Posted by Jess at 12:27 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Geri Halliwell’s Game Plan
From The Mirror…
STRATEGY - GAME PLAN
- USA?
- Europe?
- Films?… how many can we get?
- TV Productions?
Not included on list -
- Bestow half-decent moniker on baby.
- Shout Posh a sandwich.
- Pen third lot of memoirs as it’s been a massive six and three years since the first and second…
- Leave daily message requesting friendship\UNICEF chat\play date on Angelina’s messagebank.
Assorted Shizzle For Your Tuesday.
Sufjan Stevens’ The Avalanche I am thoroughly enjoying the latest Sufjan album. Even the tunes which didn’t make the cut for Chicago are still achingly beautiful, it would seem. Highlights from the album are Pittsfield, Chicago (Acoustic Version) and Springfield, or Bobby Got a Shadfly Caught in his Hair. Do try and get a hold of it. And when it’s released next month, be sure to buy a copy of Drowning In The Fountain Of Youth by Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males. The song My Brains Are On Fire! has been stuck in my head for days.
Steely Dan Are Concerned About Owen Wilson! So much so that they’ve penned an open letter to Luke Wilson on their website. Has anyone actually seen You, Me & Dupree yet? Is it as disappointing as I suspect it is? Of course, it’s best not to go by my taste in movies. I have an overwhelming urge to go and see this film…
… Anyone with me? Hello?
Ryan Adams Frolics On Blogs! Have a read for yourself. The story in short? Stereogum reproduces a message from a Ryan Adams fan board by someone claiming to be Ryan who states he’s working on releasing three albums at the moment. Most folk doubt it was Ryan who posted the message, but proceed to rip into the ex-Whiskeytown singer’s prolific output regardless. Turns out it WAS the real Ryan who posted the message on the fan board, and he’s also not entirely thrilled by some of the comments on Stereogum. Banter ahoy!
Rockstar: Supernova I don’t have cable television anymore so I can’t watch this year’s new season of Rockstar. However the killer weekly wrap ups on this Mess and Noise thread mean I don’t mind so much. Marvellous. Add it to your bookmarks.
Coming Soon To Ausculture… Celine Dion Appreciation Day.
Posted by Jess at 9:20 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)July 24, 2006
The Evolution Of A News Story
(as witnessed through constantly updated newspaper headlines*)
- Miss Universe competition begins
- Beauty queens: A mirror of the times
- Ruffle rousing in the playground
- When brains, beauty collide
- Topless Miss Australia gets grief
- McNaught fights to stay in pageant
- Miss Universe entrant to continue
- Aussie Miss Universe runs out of clothes
- Fuss over, she’s still top girl from Oz
- Trump talk for McNaught
- Our Erin is favourite to win the universe
- McNaughty worth a double take for Don
- Erin turns up the heat
- McNaughty Trumps talk show
- Deepthroat McNaughty dazzles The Donald
- Aussie Erin holds Universe “Trump” card
- McNaughty’s date with Letterman
- McNaughty brushes gently past Letterman, pant-stiffening ensues
- Beauty Erin comes up Trumps
- Trump plans to erect “some kind of” monument in honour of McNaughty
- Odds shorten for McNaughty
- Magic Vadge McNaughty tipped to become the pride of Oz
- Slutbags McGinty odds on favourite to win Miss Universe title
- McNaughtykins at centre of Universe
- Miss Puerto Rico Crowned Miss Universe
- McNaught misses out
- Australian journos agree to cease using affectionate nicknames for Herpes McNaught
- The One Who Isn’t Jennifer Hawkins seen walking into Picture Magazine offices
- McGuire asks staffers if it is too early to bone whatsherface
*Some fictional, admittedly.
Posted by Jess at 2:33 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)WITNESS THE MAGIC FOR YOURSELVES!
As some of you would be aware, the explosive CLEMBASTOW and yours truly host a late night idiocy extravaganza on Melbourne radio station RRR from midnight each Wednesday. The name of our show is I’d Rather Jack and we lovingly nicked it from a Stock Aitken Waterman girl duo called The Reynolds Girls who released a song by that name back in 1989.
I was first introduced to the magic of this tune by my manager (and future father of my children), the startlingly brilliant and handsome Will Fop. After eating dinner and gossiping about various things at length (as girls and their gays are wont to do) at his abode, he sat me down for a “viewing” of the Stock Aitken Waterman Gold DVD, and once we’d finished enjoying some vintage Jason Donovan and Kylie clips, he decided it was time to show me the music video for The Reynolds Girls I’d Rather Jack.
Life was never to be the same again.
I became obsessed with it. I imitated the dance moves. I marvelled at the sheer wonder and tackiness of it all. I howled along with the chorus and attempted to record thirty second clips on my mobile phone to show my other friends just what had been missing from their existence.
A few days later, I finally had a chance to tell Clem about the song and video. She downloaded legally purchased the mp3 of the song, became similarly enthused, and when the time came to pick a name for our radio show it was abundantly clear that we’d have to choose something to honour this genius slice of pop.
BUT.
I don’t think Clem has seen the video clip which kick started my love of The Reynolds Girls. I don’t think many people have, to be honest.
The time of ignorance is over. Get ready to fall for The Reynolds Girls - and fall hard.
If I ever see any of you out on the town in Melbourne, I expect you to be busting similar moves with a chum\sibling of your choice. THE GIRLS ARE INSANE DANCE FREAKS AND I HEART THEM SO.
Posted by Jess at 11:05 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)Architecture In Helsinki vs Busta Rhymes
Some people don’t like Architecture In Helsinki. Some people don’t like Busta Rhymes. Whatevs.
But listen here, folks - you’d have to be a fool of epic proportions to not enjoy the mash up of Architecture In Helsinki’s Do The Whirlwind with Busta’s Touch It. A FOOL. DO YOU HEAR ME?
You can download it for nought from the Architecture In Helsinki MySpace page or, if you’re frightened of MySpazz, you can grab it from this site.
Mama likey indeed.
In addition, I am also quite partial to Busta Rhymes’ I Love My Bitch, although this has become a bone of contention amongst one or two of my nearest and dearest. Hmmmph.
Posted by Jess at 8:29 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)July 23, 2006
Would You “Tap” This “Ass”?
Probably not.
Lucky for you, ladies and gentlemen, that Mr George Michael is willing and able to tap it for you!
According to News Of The World…
News of the World investigators caught the singer red-handed and red-faced as he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver.
When challenged George, 43, was wild-eyed and trembling. Trying to hide his face under a baseball cap, he screamed:
“I don’t believe it! F*** off! If you put those pictures in the paper I’ll sue!”
Clearly the paper weren’t too concerned by George’s threat of litigation. Although personally if I’d had to cop the below crankypants facial expression from the man, I’d be rocking back and forth in a corner weeping uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy sprung pleasuring the ex-Wham! singer - the journalist behind the article is obviously not enamoured by the fellow judging by the following descriptions of Norman Kirtland which pepper the article.
“he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver.”
Presumably the newspaper would be less disgusted by the concept of cruising for anonymous gay sex in parks had George been caught cavorting with a a thirty-something fellow with chiselled abs and a responsible nine-to-five job filing paperwork.
“he ignored all the risks and dangers to pull seedy Norman Kirtland.”
Pull in every sense, one guesses.
“Looking gross and dishevelled, Kirtland answered the door naked - pulling on grimy shorts as he invited us in.”
I like that Norman answers the door in the nuddy when he has no idea who is there but is classy enough to bang on the grubby pants once he realises it’s a national tabloid newspaper ringing his bell. I once knocked on the door of a French transvestite on New Years Eve in London (his name, I kid you not, was Shemale) and he answered the door dishevelled and sans pants, but as he cheerfully explained to me at the time “Ah hef joos fineesh ‘aving zee secks, geeve me a mo-men - merci…” and who was I to judge?
“Kirtland’s dingy place just off Brighton seafront, was littered with rubbish, dirty crockery and filthy laundry. His only companion is a 20-year-old cat.”
A TWENTY YEAR OLD CAT? DIRTY CROCKERY AND FILTHY LAUNDRY? LITTERED WITH RUBBISH?
Good god. It’s like I can see my own future.
Posted by Jess at 10:37 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)July 22, 2006
Early Morning Music Video Thoughts.
The video clip for Panic! At The Disco’s song “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” is possibly the most emo-tastic thing I’ve ever seen. I thought it was a joke. OMG WERE R ALL DEZE FEELINZ CUMIN FROM??!!1!!! LOLOLOL
And the clip for Westlife’s version of “You Lift Me Up”? My god. It’s like Waking Ned Devine raped New Kids On The Block, resulting in the birth of a chiselled, bland and ultra-twee baby. And yet… I can’t look away.
I’d never noticed Rhianna’s “SOS” contains the lyric ‘Hold me closer cos I’m your tiny dancer..’ - HAHAHAHA. I’d cringe but it’s one of the best pop songs I’ve heard in an age so as far as I’m concerned, the woman could belt out the chemical contents of pubic lice shampoo and I’d still be dancing. And possibly scratching my nether regions in a paranoid fashion. I KID, I KID!
The High School Musical Cast’s single… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And also? Follow your dreams, kids. Follow your dreams. (wipes tear away and continues jiving around giant moon prop)
TV Rock’s “Flaunt It” is fucking shithouse. Seriously. The guy in the clip needs a kick to the cock, post haste.
That Teddy Geiger is quite pretty, isn’t he? But better with the volume down, I suspect. Kudos to John Mayer for obviously managing to father an illegitimate child when he was around eleven years of age though.
The video clip for Panic! At The Disco’s song “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” is possibly the most emo-tastic thing I’ve ever seen. I thought it was a joke. OMG WERE R ALL DEZE FEELINZ CUMIN FROM??!!1!!! LOLOLOL
And the clip for Westlife’s version of “You Lift Me Up”? My god. It’s like Waking Ned Devine raped New Kids On The Block, resulting in the birth of a chiselled, bland and ultra-twee baby. And yet… I can’t look away.
I’d never noticed Rhianna’s “SOS” contains the lyric ‘Hold me closer cos I’m your tiny dancer..’ - HAHAHAHA. I’d cringe but it’s one of the best pop songs I’ve heard in an age so as far as I’m concerned, the woman could belt out the chemical contents of pubic lice shampoo and I’d still be dancing. And possibly scratching my nether regions in a paranoid fashion. I KID, I KID!
The High School Musical Cast’s single… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And also? Follow your dreams, kids. Follow your dreams. (wipes tear away and continues jiving around giant moon prop)
TV Rock’s “Flaunt It” is fucking shithouse. Seriously. The guy in the clip needs a kick to the cock, post haste.
That Teddy Geiger is quite pretty, isn’t he? But better with the volume down, I suspect. Kudos to John Mayer for obviously managing to father an illegitimate child when he was around eleven years of age though.
INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT UPDATE - I just checked his Wikipedia entry and seventeen year old Teddy Geiger apparently named his debut album Underage Thinking. UNDERAGE THINKING! DO YOU SEE WHAT HE DID THERE? I am a bit obsessed with him now, if you must know. But purely in a “in a few footy seasons” sort of way.
Posted by Jess at 9:03 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)July 20, 2006
All Filler, No Killer II
I’ve posted this on MySpazz already but until I can sit down and have a proper frolic through the world of tabloid journalism, here’s some ridiculous reading material for you all.
July 17, 2006
Angie Hart Solo Shows
On Thursday night I went to see Angie Hart play at the Northcote Social Club.
I am a bit biased when it comes to this lady because I have been a big admirer of her work since I was but a wee kidlet running around family gatherings singing my guts out along to Marvin The Album as it boomed from my battery operated cassette player (which led to Dreamy Eleven Year Old Jess turning to her aunt and asking “Do you think I could be a good singer?” and her rather gruff aunt replying “Erm, no.”) but believe me, I am being DEVASTATINGLY HONEST when I say…
… it was a fucking amazing night. Seriously. She played all the new songs she’s been writing in anticipation of her first solo album and I’ve never seen an audience totally captivated by tunes they’ve never before heard in their life. She threw two Splendid songs into the set (from memory, Asleep and Stop Buying Things) and sang her cover of Pet Shop Boys’ “You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You’re Drunk” as an encore but the rest? All new songs. And more importantly, all fucking ace
Don’t Be Shy is beautiful and aching and made me get a bit teary (I’m a big girl, I know), Cold Heart Killer is pop perfection, My Year Of Drinking is raw and truthful and contains the loveliest use of the word ‘cocksucker’ you’ll ever hear, and My Thief is simply sublime - when the “what comes naturally…” bit kicks in, oh lord… you’ll die. In a good way.
So.
Sydneysiders with any sense at all MUST go and book a ticket to see the show Thursday night at The Vanguard by clicking here. If you’re a Hart enthusiast and have enjoyed her Frente, Splendid and more recently Holidays On Ice stuff, then don’t miss out on seeing her belting out the new tunes. My Molly Meldrum-edque tip is that the new album will be an absolute corker.
PS: This guy seemed to really like the show too so it’s not just me. BUY A FUCKING TICKET, SYDNEY FOLK!
Posted by Jess at 5:01 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)July 15, 2006
Britney’s Letter Of Truth.
Rightio.
I promised a few days ago to “have a good chat” with you all about my dastardly lack of posting on this here website. Shall we do it now? Why the hell not, says I.
I shall preface by noting that I don’t normally write about serious stuff regarding my own life on this blog. You come here for pop culture idiocy and Big Brother rambling, I know, and occasionally photos of Peter Costello jizzing in John Howard’s ear. But it’s been fairly obvious things haven’t been the same lately on ausculture.com and many of you have been delightful enough to send worried\supportive\somewhat erotic emails to me, so just for today let’s say “Fuck up, tradition!” and be straight with each other. Or at the very least, I’ll be straight with you, Invisible Audience.
I’ve been struggling for the last few months. My various jobs are wonderful and fun, but since moving to Melbourne with fucking nothing back in October I’ve managed to amass a stinking pile of debt and I am finding it incredibly hard to cope. I am blessed with amazing friends who have stepped up consistently to make sure I have something to sleep on\clothes to wear\plates to eat off etc and beautiful housemates who have resisted stabbing me in the head because of my uselessness and instead ensure I eat at least one square meal a day, but this new life of artistic poverty - while no doubt helping me “grow as a person” and other such wankery - is starting to wear thin. I’m torn between not wanting to give up when the going is tough and go back to soul destroying nine-to-five work to get out of financial dire straits, and desperately craving the hefty pay checks of yesteryear which’d help get me back on track buckswise.
Add to that an unexpected quarter life crisis consisting of me asking myself daily “But what do I want to be when I grow up?” and a tendency to go off the rails whenever things get somewhat difficult, with a pinch of Piscean sookiness and voila - you’ve just baked yourself a Jessangst Pie.
Penning ausculture.com while I’ve been trying to get my head together has been rough as you can probably tell by the low quality\sporadic posting of the last few months. It’s not easy to get excited about Big Brother evictions and Lindsay Lohan unknowingly posing for saucy photos when the last thing in the world you feel you can do at the moment is write well and be somewhat funny.
Today I think I hit a very Hollywood “rock bottom” - a rotten hangover (the drinks were free, Mum! I didn’t spend rent - swears!), a heavy heart filled with regret and the news my phone has been completely cut off by my friends at Vodafone because I couldn’t afford to make a payment on it this morning. All my own fault, but that realisation isn’t something which makes me feel much better about the situation.
Again, I’m truly lucky because I am surrounded by great people. Today the dearest heart I know took one look at my devastated face and took me under a much needed wing. I was given a nutritious breakfast at Ray’s (do go there, by the way - Angela is the major hospitality crush of half of Brunswick and is ten kinds of adorable, as are the rest of the staff… END PLUG), shouted coffee after coffee, given an understanding ear and then whisked by tram to St Kilda to do a very Water Sign thing of sitting by the ocean as the sun went down and laughing about how bad things are which is pretty much the only thing anyone with any sense can do in these situations.
BUT.
The good news is I think I’m working things out. A slow process which’ll involve more LiveJournal-esque “issue sorting” (HAY GUYS IM EMO LOLOL) but I think I’m going to be okay. And I’m getting back the urge to write which is a good thing if you get something from this website and a bad thing if reading my rants makes you want to punch yourself in the face, so do stick around. I’ll come good. Honest!
So that’s the story as to why I haven’t been blogging very much. I thought the few of you out there who have expressed concern deserved an honest (and soberly composed, I might add) explanation. There won’t be any future posts on the topic (“THANK FUCK!” - Readers of Ausculture) and we can get back to more important things like making fun of the Liberal Party, Nikki from BBUK and The Mystery Of Suri Cruise.
Normally programming to resume shortly. Thanks for bothering to read to the end.
x
PS: To add a final dash of Whining Teen Blog to this post -
Listening to… Godhopping by Dogs Die In Hot Cars
Posted by Jess at 1:11 AM Link | Comments (34) | TrackBack (0)July 12, 2006
Real Blogging Coming Soon*
But in the meantime, a series of posts over at the Perez Hilton forums make up the funniest thread I’ve read in a while. Matthew McConaughey has freakish arms? YOU DIDN’T KNOW?
I love a ridiculous conspiracy theory.
*I know, I know. You’re heard it all before and I don’t blame you for being cynical. But we’ll all have a cup of tea and a good chat about my absence later on, eh? And there are a few nice things planned for the next couple of days so stay tuned.
Posted by Jess at 11:19 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)July 6, 2006
Potential New Neighbours Couple, Eh?
As the kids say -
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
ROFLCOPTER!!!
LMAONADE!!!
I am obsessed with the idea of them becoming television bogan royalty.
Posted by Jess at 7:00 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)Got Plans On Saturday Night?
No?
Then do what I’m doing - head to The East Brunswick Club and check out the Howling Bells album launch. I’ve been listening to the record for the last few days and I think it might be up there with Phoenix’s It’s Never Been Like That as one of my favourite albums of this year.
Hopefully I’ll see you there. Do say hello. I will be the person not smoking and behaving with the utmost decorum.
God help me.
July 4, 2006
Super Parma & Other Trivial Pursuits
Is it Tuesday today? IT IS?
Well, you know what that means.
DO I? I RECENTLY HAD A HEAD INJURY AND NEED TO BE REMINDED OF MANY THINGS.
Say no more, my Regarding Henry-esque chum - I’m here to give you the lowdown.
This evening, the East Brunswick Club will yet again be hosting the night of pop culture and rock’n’roll quiz madness known across the land (or at the very least, certain parts of Albert Street) as So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia.
George H and I will be passing the dutchie (ie. MICROPHONE) around the left hand side (and probably to the right from time to time) and guiding you through another evening of trashy exploration. Dave the Scot will play music which makes your head explode with joy\gives you clues to answers.
I KNOW ALL THIS, YOU SPAZGUTS.
To borrow a quote from myself at nine years old - “UMMMMMAAAAH! TOOOOSHY MAMA!”
The exciting new element to So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia this evening is that The East’s mad Irish chef - Mr Dorje “Comedy Inc” Heavey - has declared that from tonight on, RANDOM SUPER PARMAS WILL BE DISTRIBUTED AMONGST THE CROWD. This means that hey, you might think you’re just ordering a standard ten buck culinary delight and then… OUT COMES AN EMU SIZED SLAB OF CHICKEN AND CHEESE AND CHIPS.
He’s out of his head, I tell you. Out of his head and he cooks like a motherfucker.
Be there or die.. of sorrow.
The East Brunswick Club
280 Lygon Street
East Brunswick 3057
www.eastbrunswickclub.com
Trams 001 and 008 drop you right outside the venue.
July 1, 2006
BREAKING BIG BROTHER NEWS STORY - Ash & John Removed From House | BB06
John and Ashley have been escorted from the Big Brother house.
The official site says…
Big Brother Housemates Ashley and John were escorted from the House on Saturday afternoon following a breach of the rules. The producers Endemol Southern Star and Network Ten deemed their actions were grounds for their removal from the show. The producers will not be commenting any further on this serious matter.
“What the hell happened?” you’re no doubt asking yourself.
According to the Behind Big Brother forums, at around 4am this morning John held Camilla down so Ashley could slap her in the face with his penis. BBBA forum member yorstrooly grabbed the following (admittedly dark) screen shots of the incident.
John holding Camilla down…
Ash then slaps Camilla in the face with his penis…
Another forum member (Annie xx) nicely described the aftermath as follows…
Camilla wasn’t happy about it I know that… and she didn’t want to talk about it later.. that’s when Gaelen allegedly joked that she loved it.. and doing the licking motions.. which I personally think is bloody disrespectful.
Indeed.
Back to the official sites blurb then, eh?
In a joint statement made shortly after they left the House, Ashley and John said: “We had a great time in the house. It is unfortunate it had to end this way, but Big Brother has rules and regulations and we broke them.
“We are all very close in the house and we would never do anything to offend our fellow housemates.”
At this stage, ausculture.com is unable to confirm rumours that the entire incident was staged by John and Ashley in a sleazy but determined effort to get out of having to sit through the Rogue Traders performance tonight.
Thank you to the beautiful Tuppence for calling me and giving me the heads up. I think I screamed for ten minutes straight - sorry about your ears, lovely.
UPDATE - couldn’t add things to this post last night because Ausculture’s control panel thingo, born with an innate sense of timing, decided to die overnight.
Here’s an article from abc.net.au regarding the incident.
And another from Digital Spy… As one might expect, Trish Draper is getting herself all a-tingle with excitement and may well go on a tax payer funded holiday with whoever her current friend-with-benefits is to celebrate her good fortune once this is all over.
John’s dad and someone called Tilli (who claims to be an ex housemate… I don’t know, maybe from series two? It’s just not ringing any bells…) put in their two cents over here.
And with marvellous timing, the excerpt on the official site from Perry’s diary entry?
‘Camilla holds back, John’s a fencesitter and Ash is just Ash.’
It really is the beginning of the end for the show, isn’t it? Tuppence texted me a rumour that Big Brother will be axed and the remaining prizemoney will be split between the remaining contestants but we’ll have to wait and see.
Posted by Jess at 7:43 PM Link | Comments (332)This Is Almost Enough To Tempt Me Back To Blogging… | BB06
I mean, really…
They then talk about Limp Bizkit. “Who sang the original of Behind Blue Eyes?” asks Darren. “I think it was Bette Davis,” thinks Gaelan, “anyway it was the worst cover ever.”
Add to that a photo of John from Friday Night Games which is BEGGING for a homo-tinged Photoshopping…
… and I think I’m starting to feel the itch again, kids.
Posted by Jess at 10:01 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)June 27, 2006
That Was BUUULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
I think Donald from The Age’s forums summed it up rather eloquently.
AUSTRALIA WAS ROBED OF A WIN,AS A ENGLAND RESIDENT AND I HAVE WATCHED EVERY GAME SO FAR,THE ITALIAN PLAYER THROUGH HIMSELF TO THE GROUND,THE ARE WELL KNOWN FOR THIS WHEN THEY ARE UP TO A GOOD TEAM,WELL DONE AUSTRALIA YOU WILL BE BACK.WE LOVE THE OZZYS,FOR YOUR GREAT SPORTMANSHIPE.SEE YOU ALL AND MY DAUGHTER IN DEC.
Posted by: donald at June 27, 2006 03:20 AM
Australia salutes you and your daughter, Donald.
(sniffle)
Posted by Jess at 3:40 AM Link | Comments (21) | TrackBack (0)June 23, 2006
I’m Sorry… It’s Not You, It’s Me.
To those of you out there who care - gimme a week or so and hopefully I’ll rediscover my blog mojo.
PS: Straight Pride, you silly cock-in-vadge enthusiast, this site LOVES The Gays. Hush with your ignorant bleatings.
PPS: Rock & Pop Culture Trivia starts at The Corner Hotel this Wednesday night from 7.30pm. There’s a $12 parma-n-pot deal happening too. SWEET! Dave the Scot and I will be hosting it so prepare yourselves…
PPPS: And The East’s So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia continues every Tuesday night from 7.30pm and you can get delicious ten buck parmas there which are WELL worth the moolah. Come and join yours truly and George H for a night of raucous idiocy and beverage supping, why doncha?
Posted by Jess at 9:55 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)June 21, 2006
TONIGHT.
Tonight I’ll be hosting the Women On The Line Trivia Night, which is raising money for the 3CR Radiothon. I am a bit sick today but will Strepsil the fuck out of it and hopefully things will kick on in a satisfactory style. Please come along if you can make it.
In other news - James Blunt song wakes girl from coma?
Funny, his music has the opposite effect on me*.
(snicker)
*Cheap and obvious, I know. But bugger it, I’m sick. PITY ME!
Posted by Jess at 3:29 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)June 17, 2006
ARGH!
I’ve been a bad, bad blogger, I know!
The internet disappeared for a few days (AGAIN) and there’s been other stuff happening which has kept me busy so I apologise. What is worse though is that I am away this weekend, and then will be spending Sunday night with my dear Sydney friend Nic doing something non-Big Brotherly so I am really not going to be any use to anyone until next week.
I hope you can forgive me.
Here are some things you should be aware of by now (abridged).
- Katie and Jamie up for nomination on Big Brother? FUCK UP, SOOKS! Honest to god, you’d think they were the first people to ever be put up for eviction. “Everyone hates us! I’m used to being popular! They’re all fakers! I want to walk out of the house!” - sweet jesus, enough of the Sharna-ing and just get on with things, would you? David was going to be the sure-fire evictee but after JamKat’s irritating teary meltdowns this week, anything could happen.
- Yes, I hate myself for using the term “JamKat”.
- Watch Britney’s interview with “Matt Lauer”. And marvel at her use of “air quotation marks”. She’s country, y’all! Also - I feel a bit sorry for the poor love.
- And here’s a transcript of the above interview if you’re on dial up and can’t download festively plump files.
- Oh Sandra Bernhard, you’re a fiery ol’ minx, aren’t you?
- MAKE SURE YOU WATCH NEIGHBOURS OVER THE NEXT THREE WEEKS, PEOPLE WITH A SOUL.
- Speaking of which, what madcap scrapes will the Timmins family get into next? Chortle.
- Naughty, Boy George. Why don dey jus coll him Girl George und get rid of da confooshun?
- So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia continues this Tuesday night from 7.30pm at The East. Our charming bad-joke-loving chef loves nothing more than knocking up a truckload of parmas for your digestive pleasure so do order one of the ten dollar variety, eh?
- And if you’re in the Richmond area and keen on rock’n’roll\pop-culture related trivia, we’ll have something to announce in the next week which should please you greatly.
- More shenanigans from the Big Brother UK house. ARF!
- Scientology is gay? Don’t tell Jenna Elfman that, you shameless babyraper.
So.
Let me apologise once again for being a dreadful blogger and leaving the place for a few days whilst I got my shizzle together but next week things should return to normal.
Oh, and as for Big Brother’s Sunday night eviction? As I mentioned before, I won’t be able to watch it and I suspect most members of the MBBS will be too fragile to provide a guest post summary, so please fill me in on anything good\bad\hilarious that happened during the show right here in this thread.
Be good - or not - and I’ll catch you when I return from the countryside.
Posted by Jess at 4:20 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)June 11, 2006
“Big Brother… Is Confiscating… The Apple Crumble… And… The Cream…”
“The apple crumble… was delicious…”
WHY IS BIG BROTHER UK NOT BEING SHOWN HERE?
Posted by Jess at 9:25 PM Link | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)June 10, 2006
A Gentle Breakfast.
REASONS WHY SEEING GENTLE BEN & THE HICKS THIS MORNING WAS BAD
- Close proximity to performers makes subtle ogling difficult.
- Oh, who am I kidding?
REASONS WHY SEEING GENTLE BEN & THE HICKS THIS MORNING WAS DELICIOUS
- Free entry (HA! to the folk who paid to see SixFtHick at The Tote last night).
- Spanglish breakfast (eggs, bacon, tomato, baked beans and choritzo) certainly hits the spot.
- Coffee? Three please.
- And a Bloody Mary wouldn’t go astray.
- Who’s that in the next booth? Oh, JUST GENTLE BEN AND HIS GLASS-CUTTING CHEEK BONES. Drool.
- They’ve decided to perform. How pleasant.
- There is not one solitary soul standing between myself and Gentle Ben & The Hicks.
- Gentle Ben is writhing around on the floor at my feet. Charming. I shall sup my Bloody Mary and pretend that I’m not planning our first few Christmases together as a young married couple in Far North Queensland.
- GENTLE BEN HAS NOW PUT HIS PERT LITTLE BOTTOM ON OUR TABLE.
- GENTLE BEN IS PUTTING PEPPER, SALT AND SUGAR ON HIS PERT LITTLE BOTTOM ON OUR TABLE.
- GENTLE BEN HAS CLUTCHED MY CIGARETTE PACK IN HIS FIRM MANLY HANDS AND TAKEN ONE OF MY WINFIELD GREYS OUT!
- GENTLE BEN HAS PUT MY CIGARETTE DOWN HIS PANTS.
- In some remote African villages, this would mean we are bethrothed you know.
- And as if that wasn’t enough…
- GENTLE BEN GIVES ME BACK THE CIGARETTE WHICH HAS BEEN LIVING DOWN HIS SEXY PANTS, SMILES AND SAYS “IT’S STILL GOOD”
- Hell yeah it’s still good. I don’t know whether to frame it or use it to perform a voodoo love ritual.
Matador’s Breakfast at The Spanish Club? We salute you for serving up scrumptious food and rockstars on a chilly Saturday morning.
Your move, Marios.
Posted by Jess at 1:16 PM Link | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)June 8, 2006
Something To Do On Friday Night, Party People!
If you wonderfully social folks at home (Melbourne edition) have no plans on Friday 9th June, then why not get yourself along to this “do” for IsNot Magazine…
Although I will be unable to personally attend due to my weekly Friday doorbitching commitment, I thoroughly recommend you go on my behalf. Any shindig which can boast its own dancing yeti gets three thumbs up from me.
Proper posting and other exciting stuff coming soon.
Posted by Jess at 2:42 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)June 6, 2006
Never Say We Don’t Listen To Our Readers.
So. You all know of the dramas we’ve been having with our email for most of the year, right? Good. Well, I am now attempting to play catch-ups and attend to every whim ausculture.com’s beloved viewers have.
Bryan sent us the following email at the beginning of May…
JESS,
(he shouts to get your attention), you call yourself ausculture, why the obsession with alian personalities.
I can just about stand the overwhelming reportage on BB06 but where is the real OZ culture.
where is the surfing news
where is the action in the B&S scene
what is happening in toorak
is there anything at all interesting in bundoora
here i am preparing a meal for my young bloke and starved for a relationship (no matter how tenious) with something other than nappies and all i get is american personalities (and BB06)…enough pleeeease
spread you wings, tell us poor at home folks what is going on
bpb
Time to get to it then, I suppose. I will attempt to meet your needs, dear Bryan, in the best way I know how (ie. half arsed). I am pretty much ignorant when it comes to things I can’t read about in NW Magazine so please bear with me.
SURFING NEWS
It is best to surf at the beach, as rivers are without waves and boring. Most people like to go to the beach in summer because it’s hot and the water is refreshing but sometimes surfers go to the beach in winter because the waves never take a holiday (LOLOLOL WTF!!1!). Surfers wear wetsuits to stay warm and occasionally urinate all over themselves while floating in the water. Continuing to catch waves\pee on themselves during the winter period means that surfers remain fit and attractive all year long. If you are from the East Coast of Australia and facing north, just turn right and walk for a while and you’ll find a beach to hang some gnarly waves in the green room tubes. Or something like that. If you are on the West Coast of Australia and facing north, you can do the same thing but it’ll take much, much longer.
HERE ENDETH AUSCULTURE’S SURF REPORT.
THE B&S SCENE
As long as the whipping occurs between two or more consenting adults, I see no problem with… (phone rings) Erm, hello? Huh? OH! (hearty chuckle) I always get those two things confused. No worries. Okay. Thanks for calling. I love you too, Angelina… (hangs up)
Ahem. B&S (aka Bachelor & Spinster) balls are where underage boarding school kids go to hang out and touch each other during their holidays. It is obligatory to wear at least three items from the RM Williams catalogue and drink Bundy rum until you pass out\throw up all over yourself\both.
Sometimes adults attend these events but only to compare the different styles of “I Shoot & I Vote” stickers which are usually plastered all over the back of their utes. I know all of this because I went to school with country girls who swore like sailors, drank like fish and thus were ladies after my own heart. However, I suppose I should get more information from an external source for you so please check out this link. The whole site is thoroughly educational but I did enjoy the following bit…
“BnS Balls are aimed at single blokes and sheilas. Why? Because they make the ultimate bloke or chick outing! If you’ve never been to one then people will call you a B&S virgin! When at the B&S you should tell everyone you’re a B&S virgin and everyone will give you presents! Write ‘VIRGIN’ on the back of your shirt.” - oddly enough, whenever I walk around town with VIRGIN plastered on the back of my shirt, no one gives me presents. Unless you count pitying looks as presents. And I fucking don’t, you tightarses.
Here are some people enjoying themselves at a B&S ball.
In short, I would like to attend one of these as soon as possible and I hope this has been a learning experience for you city kids.
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN TOORAK?
This is a tough one for me. I live north of the Yarra and have been informed by all my friends (who live north of the Yarra) that anything south of the Yarra is absolute pants and I should have nothing to do with it. And while I’m overusing the word - Yarra. Yarra? Yarra.
But I Googled “toorak” and was directed to this lovely site. I have grown as a person since reading it and also, I am unsure if it’s a pisstake or not. Nonetheless, Lillian Frank appears to live there and as I said to Lill once, I said “Lill? You are fabulous darling”. So I shall answer your question as to what’s happening in Toorak with an excerpt from her Lillian’s Say column from the Toorak Village site…
Is Art Sexy Enough?
Now that’s a leading question, posed by the Peter Mac Art Committee. The moderator: Leo Schofiled. The panelists: Tottie Goldsmith, Stewart MacFarlane, Mirka Mora, Robert Nelson, Michael Shmith, Jason Smith, Dr Gerard Vaughn and Robin Wallace-Crabbe. In a display of excitement and enthusiasm a zealous member of the panel, Mirka Mora exposed her bare bosoms and tried to get her competing panelist Tottie Goldsmith to take her black camisole off. Michael Shmith came to the rescue but alas both fell off stage with Michael nursing a sore head for the rest of the evening. …At least the fun and frivolities produced coppers for the Cancer Hospital!
That Mirka, what a card! In short, in Toorak there are rich people who are getting blind drunk on champagne and attempting to rip clothes of each other to raise money for charity. The way God intended it.
Oh, and you can also pay Lillian to do your hair.
IS THERE ANYTHING INTERESTING IN BUNDOORA?
I’ve got to be honest, I don’t know much about Bundoora. I know the #86 tram ends up there, and I think there’s a uni around that area but that’s about where my knowledge stops. Google does indicate there are at least three golf courses though, so that’s nice.
And there you go. Hopefully we scratched all your web-itches, Bryan. I shall try to write less about Big Brother and more about other stuff from here on in.
x
PS: The more I look at that photo from the B&S ball, the more I’m convinced I DID go to school with the girl in it! Posted by Jess at 3:18 AM Link | Comments (20) | TrackBack (0)
Don’t Feel Bad About Watching BBUK Clips, Okay? | BB06
Those of us who fancy ourselves as Big Brother fans (in the hip, cool, detached and thoroughly un-bogan sense) may be feeling as though we’re being disloyal to Big Brother Australia by spending our spare time on YouTube.com, desperately hunting down videos of funny and slightly unhinged British housemates.
But my fellow obsessives and I have discussed the issue and we’ve concluded that our blossoming relationship with Big Brother UK something we should NOT be made to feel guilty about. To paraphrase* a certain movie I’m quite partial to using as my guidebook to life - if Kris Noble ever pulled me up on it, I’d say…
“You count the damn few times you’ve given me amazing housemates in nearly six years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on - and then you ask me about Big Brother UK and tell me you’ll kill me for needing somethin’ I don’t hardly never get.”
*I also am recycling something said on email discussions. But I think we can all get something from it.
Posted by Jess at 2:57 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Have You All Seen The Pics Of Ashlee Simpson’s New Nose?
If not, here you go…
(Via Egotastic! - and a nice comparison of the new honker to the nose of yesteryear can be found here.)
Posted by Jess at 2:37 AM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)The Right Wingers Are Going To Love This* | BB06
In the yard the conversation turned to politics. Claire admits she votes Green because: “I’m not educated enough to make a decision.”
*Or they would if they had managed to take time out of their busy days punching old people and children in order to peruse the Big Brother site’s diary and read the above extract.
Posted by Jess at 2:32 AM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Evictions, Big Brother UK and Other Things… | BB06
As you all know by now, Sunday night’s evictees from the Big Brother house were Dino and Jade. Not entirely unexpected, but their departures should change the dynamic of the place to a certain extent and I guess that’s a good thing. I doubt the lack of Dino will lead to John getting it on with Danielle but you never know.
I had more to say about the evictions but I’m a bit tired so I hope you forgive me.
Meanwhile, keep watching the clips from the UK Big Brother show. Pete & Nikki forevs!
Off topic, So You’re A Clever Cunt? trivia continues tonight (Tuesday) at The East Brunswick Club from 7.30pm. Come along. And if you do, say hello - I am suspiciously pleasant (according to my mother).
PS: The Gretel of old returned on Sunday night, I note! Motherly comforting of the female evictee and shameless flirting with the male one. Ha!
Posted by Jess at 2:21 AM Link | TrackBack (0)June 3, 2006
Seriously. We Really Need Nikki In Our Big Brother House | BB06
Here’s the petition mentioned in the previous post in full.
To: Kris Noble, Australian Government, Whoever It Bloody Takes
We the People of Australia, in order to form a more perfect Big Brother house, establish friction, disturb domestic tranquillity, provide for the lowest common denominator, promote the general disunity, and secure the blessings of decent entertainment to ourselves and our viewing posterity, do request that Nikki from Big Brother 7 in the United Kingdom is flown to Australia post haste and immediately placed into our own Big Brother house located at Dreamworld on the Gold Coast.
It is obvious to even the most mentally challenged Big Brother viewer that we need an entertaining and borderline insane housemate to liven up the current series of the Australian show. Frankly, this year’s crop of inmates have been spectacularly disappointing. Breasty mother-daughter duos? Extras from the classic Jim Henson flick The Dark Crystal? An overly verbose wanker with grandiose dreams of becoming the Big Brother house’s very own Professor Moriarty but who succeeded only in cementing his reputation as an arseclown and hiding a few toothbrushes?
If it wasn’t for the handsome gay and JamKat (a hideous moniker used to describe a romantic couple in the house - a blonde insecure surf-loving virgin and an odd sounding Swayze look alike with a heart of gold and what appears to be a third leg), we might as well start reading books for entertainment, or helping out charitable causes.
WHERE IS THE COMEDIC GENIUS? WHERE IS THE COMPLETELY MENTAL AND THUS WONDERFUL HOUSEMATE?
I’ll tell you where - she’s in Britain, and as god is my witness, I shall not rest until she is flown out to Oz and thrust into the Big Brother house, where she’ll no doubt fire up immediately over the rationing of food, lack of alcohol and being “cooped up like a chicken” in a strange country.
http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/housemates/housemate_news.jsp?id=16
So, Kris Noble, we’re going to have to insist you make this happen. After spending the last few years recruiting housemates from tacky Queensland nightclubs where they’ve been earning a pretty penny wearing skimpy outfits and encouraging dribbling punters to buy Vodka Cruisers in order to get their hands on a free trucker cap, you owe us this at least.
Please see the following clips for further proof Nikki should - nay, MUST - be put into the Australian Big Brother house.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLYsO_r3wiE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eOhC_vk5U4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uArpHI69yV4
Sincerely,
The Undersigned
So get off your booty and sign the petition, Big Brother lovers. It’ll take five seconds. GARN!
Posted by Jess at 8:58 PM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)June 2, 2006
Nikki Just Gets Better & Better - So Sign Our Petition! | BB06
You remember Nikki from Big Brother UK, right?
Ms Fits keeps providing me with more and more YouTube links and to put it simply, I am obsessed with with this blonde, theatrical gem of a woman.
Watch this clip of her doing nominations. HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO GOOD?
I’ve been watching other Big Brother UK clips too, and it is bloody obvious that our own housemates are severely lacking when it comes to providing us with decent entertainment. How come we’ve missed out? DON’T WE DESERVE IT?
So I’ve snapped and started an online petition to get Nikki placed into our Big Brother house as soon as possible.
Please sign it.
Together we can make a difference.
Posted by Jess at 5:07 PM Link | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0)Camilla’s Dream Finally Comes True | BB06
Let’s start a slow handclap for dear ol’ Camilla. She’s had a hard time of it lately, what with people making her the butt of jokes and the like because she is very annoying, so it’s nice to see something go her way after all this time.
SUCK IT, TILLI - CAMILLA’S LIVIN’ LARGE!
Tongue on, moles.
Posted by Jess at 2:45 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Ausculture Email Is Back AGAIN!
(knocks on wood)
It looks like all our contact email addresses which end in @ausculture.com are back up and running. If you’ve sent an email to any of our contact addresses since late February, there’s a very good chance we never received it. In fact, if you’ve sent anything in the last month we DEFINITELY didn’t receive it.
So if you’d like to resend any queries or complaints or offers of a gazillion dollars for nothing much in particular to jess at ausculture.com, then please do. I shall address your concerns in a polite and charming manner.
Posted by Jess at 2:02 PM Link | TrackBack (0)June 1, 2006
Uncomfortable As It Makes Me Feel To Say This…
Yeah, I’d hit it.
(begins whistling Popozao in flirtacious manner)
The above pics come from a Us Weekly article where Kevin Federline declares “My kids are going to have to learn what a real job is, what life is. You don’t have it easy with me. Period….My kids are going to work at Taco Bell, dammit.”
Kev, there’s a very good chance you’ll be working at Taco Bell before too long, you virile pot-smoking scamp.
PS: I am quite enjoying witnessing the Gretel-related debate in the comments. Note that I haven’t actually weighed in myself. This is because I am a lazy lass. However, I have now seen the Monday night footage and am almost tempted to throw in my two cents regarding the Nominations show “incident”… I say almost because it’s sort of interesting having my stance on Vinegar Tits Killeen versus Cockspank Michael stoush assumed. Mwahahaha.
Posted by Jess at 10:35 AM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)May 31, 2006
Helllooooooo!
Sorry for disappearing for a while, kids. There are perfectly good reasons behind my absence from the interweb, and I shall list just a few so you understand that I am not a bad person, just unfortunate.
- NO MORE FREE WIRELESS INTERNET AT HOME.
- WORKING A FAIR BIT.
- PREPARING FOR EAST BRUNSWICK CLUB TRIVIA NIGHT.
- KNOCKING MYSELF UNCONSCIOUS AND POSSIBLY HAVING CONCUSSION.
How can we fix this situation?
- SOMEONE OUT THERE MUST BE RICH, PLEASE GIVE ME MONEY.
- SOMEONE OUT THERE MUST BE RICH, PLEASE GIVE ME MONEY.
- PREPARE EARLIER AND WITH MINIMAL EFFORT.
- IF I COULD REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED, I WOULD AVOID DOING WHATEVER I DID.
I jest about the East Brunswick Club thing. Last night was the kick off and it seemed to go quite well, so much thanks to all the spunks and spunkettes who came down to feast on cheap parmas and hear daft impersonations of Heath Ledger in between questions.
ANYWAY.
Michael’s gone, eh? Thank god for that. As many of you have pointed out in the comments, Gretel sure didn’t like him very much and this was quite obvious on Sunday night. Generally when the public loathe an evictee, Gretel goes out of her way to be a bit gentle with them as lord knows they’re going to cop what they deserve from all other directions as soon as they leave the confines of Dreamworld. So I think it says a lot about Michael’s irritating arsehattery that even Gretel couldn’t stay nice for long and had to chastise him sharply a few times on the eviction stage.
As for the Monday night Nominations appearance, well - I’m ashamed to say I had a meeting on that night and I couldn’t catch the show, but I received an SMS saying “Gretel went Michael in a manner that was absolutely BREATHTAKING” so more fool me for missing out, eh? Is there any YouTube footage of it floating about? Did any of you tape it? Please help a sister-girlfriend out, yo.
The beautiful Tuppence sent me a link to this news story today, and I note that Gringo has also made mention of it in the comments… Lefty Tim is now dating Karen? I hope after everything we’ve been through, Timmy, you’ll give the scoop to ausculture.com rather than our chums at Sydney Confidential.
And I know we’re all a bit partial to this year’s UK Big Brother - Ms Fits is pushing it like a cheap drug on all and sundry - so you can imagine my excitement when one of my oldest, dearest friends sent me an email saying -
Keep an eye on UK Big Brother. Someone from our (YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW) days is a ‘reserve’ housemate and may well be an intruder. He may not go in (although he said that he was told he’d go in at ‘some point’), but has done the photo shoots, signed the confidentiality agreements, etc etc
Sweet.
Finally, tonight Clem and I are going to have an all Australian special episode of I’d Rather Jack from midnight until 2am on RRR (102.7). Our second half of the night will be dedicated to the Top Ten Aussie Pop Songs, so any suggestions as to what should be included would be much appreciated.
I’ll be back as soon as I can, dear hearts x
Posted by Jess at 3:58 PM Link | Comments (24) | TrackBack (0)May 26, 2006
This Is What Our Big Brother House Is Missing… | BB06
Watch this video.
And then this one.
It’s footage from the new series of Big Brother UK - and you won’t be disappointed watching it. The first clip is of a housemate named Nikki’s introductory package. The second is of the same lass having a tantrum only a few days into the show.
“I actually feel like… I’m gonna… DIE… I need water… I’m not drinking that tap stuff, it’s f-f-f-f….. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. And I don’t think you should put water on our shopping li - I actually don’t have the energy to talk to you, I feel so dehydrated and light headed. I feel light headed, that’s what I feel. (dramatic sigh)”
Nikki is AMAZING - crying over having to drink tap water? Her hissy fit is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen and I say that with no exaggeration.
Thanks to Ms Fits for sending me the links. And happy birthday too, beautiful lady x
Posted by Jess at 5:50 PM Link | Comments (67) | TrackBack (0)May 24, 2006
Apple Martin Salutes You, Ginger Spice.
Why’s that, you ask?
Thanks to Geri Halliwell, Apple’s reign as the most bizarrely named baby in the current crop of celeb sprogs has finally ended, and about bloody time too. Apple’s cute as a button and I am FED UP with trashy tabloid types taking the piss out of her.
So where was I? Oh yes, Geri has decided to name her baby Bluebell Madonna.
Bluebell Madonna.
Still with me?
B-L-U-E-B-E-L-L M-A-D-O-N-N-A.
There is logic behind the bestowing of such a moniker on something you are supposed to love and cherish, of course. Says Geri…
…Ginger Spice, 33, told Hello! magazine she’d been inspired by seeing the spring flowers during her pregnancy.
“But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare, so it’s precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter,” Halliwell was quoted as saying.
Halliwell said she had chosen the middle name in honor of one of her heroines.
“As she came out of my tummy, Bluebell had both arms flung wide in the air as if announcing to the world, `Hi! I’m here!’” the magazine quoted Halliwell as saying.
“She was screaming her head off, as though she was shouting, `Hello, Wembley!’ No one else has that name, apart from the Virgin Madonna and the singer, whom I love.”
Nicely done, Ms Halliwell. Next step in crawling up Madonna’s arse will no doubt be the sudden appearance of a red string bracelet - assuming Geri isn’t already a follower of Kabbalah.
And hey, if things don’t work out there, she can join the newest, hottest religion on the block - the worship of Sean Preston Federline!
Posted by Jess at 2:30 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Hillary Clinton’s iPod Playlist.
It’s always nice discovering what politicians like to listen to when they’re “chilling out”, don’t you think? news.com.au reports the following about the former First Lady of the United States…
HILLARY Clinton is the latest US politician to reveal her iPod playlist, calling it a “smorgasbord”, with the Beatles and Rolling Stones featuring heavily.
The senator and former first lady is a big fan of U2’s Beautiful Day, which she plays before delivering speeches, The New York Post reported.
Hey Jude is a favourite track on the digital music player - a white one - she got as a birthday present from husband Bill Clinton last October. Aretha Franklin’s Respect heads the Democrat star’s 1000-strong tracklist.
“I’ve got everything - a total smorgasbord,” Senator Clinton said. “I’m a child of the 60s and 70s.”
I wonder what songs feature heavily on John Howard grammaphone iPod, assuming he owns such high falutin’ technological device? Any guesses?
Big Brother Conducts Intelligence Testing, The Results Are No Surprise | BB06
From the official diary…
“Where would you wear an akubra?”
John: head.
Correct.
What is Australia’s largest bird?
John: Eagle.
Incorrect.
Jade: Emu (she sings).
Correct.
Olly, Milly and Syd were the mascots for which sporting event?
Jade: The Sydney Olympics (singing again).
Correct.
Who was Australia’s first Prime Minister?
John: Bartman.
Incorrect.
Jade: Sir Edward Bartham.
Incorrect.
Ashley: Bob Hawke.
Incorrect.
What is 8x9?
John: 72.
Correct.
Spell Daiquiri.
John: Dacery.
Ashley: Dacqery.
Jade: Dakery.
Krystal tries to spell in sounds: “Der, Ah, Ker…”
Whats J-Lo’s fragrance called?
Krystal: She’s got two, One’s Glow, One’s Miami and One’s Live
Correct
Name all the seven dwarves.
Krystal: Sleepy, Gullible?
John: Dopey, Sleepy, Loudey, Snoozy, Cheesy, Dewey and Louie.
Ashley: Dopey, Stupid, Inconsiderate, Illiterate.
Incorrect.
What is the name of Britney Spears’ baby?
Ashley: Christian.
Incorrect.
Where is the Great Wall of China?
Krystal: China.
Correct.
What is Australia’s floral emblem
Ashley: an Emu and a Koala.
Incorrect.
“Bob Hawke”, “Der, Ah, Ker…” and Australia’s floral emblem being “an Emu and a Koala” are the obvious highlights, in my humble opinion.
Posted by Jess at 12:07 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)May 23, 2006
For Absolutely No Reason Whatsoever III…
I’ve got to stop right-clicking-and-saving all the animated gifs I see on MySpace.
Posted by Jess at 10:29 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)The Art Of The Witty Riposte
I’m not much of a wisecracker, and I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I always welcome any insight into the way a razor sharp brain works. So you can imagine how thrilled I was to watch a clip on the news tonight of our beloved Prime Minister making with the pithy quips during his trip to Ireland.
JOE HIGGINS, IRISH SOCIALIST MP
“The Australian Prime Minister, Mr. Howard, is not welcome in Ireland. Prime Minister Howard is a warmonger, complicit with Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair in the criminal invasion of Iraq and compliant with the ongoing occupation of Iraq, with Australian troops in that country. Prime Minister Howard is the author of vicious, anti-trade union legislation designed to strip away workers’ rights which were hard won by the Australian working class over many generations. During the Australian general election of 2001, in order to win votes from an entrenched bigoted minority, Prime Minister Howard pedalled the monstrous falsehood that desperate refugees fleeing Iraq had thrown their children over the side of a ship as they were prevented from landing in Australia by the Australian navy. When it was proved that this was a vicious lie, he did not retract it or apologise.”
JOHN HOWARD, AUSTRALIAN P.M
“The Irish brought many things to Australia, and one of them was dissent. Heh. Heheheh… Heheheheh…
(wheezing evil snickering at own cleverness to fade)
The most important lesson I’ve learned from the above is to ensure I bother to take a “time out” after exchanging verbal jousts with a foe to smirk in a creepy fashion and titter with pleasure at my repartee in the manner of a self-satisfied weasel.
And I’ve spent a lot of time with self-satisfied weasels. I volunteered at an Anthony Robbins conference which was geared toward rodents, and let me tell you - you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a stoat create breakthroughs, move beyond fears and limiting beliefs, accomplish goals and realise true desires, turn dreams into reality, create fulfilling relationships, and model the strategies of peak performers to produce a quantum difference in their life.
Posted by Jess at 8:50 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)May 22, 2006
East Brunswick Club Trivia & Parma Night
Hold onto your hats, assorted misfits, cos what I’m about to tell you is QUITE LITERALLY going to make your brains explode with joy.
ARE YOU FO SHIZZ?
Word to yo mutha.
Kicking off on Tuesday the 30th May, the East Brunswick Club will begin hosting a weekly trivia night at 7pm for all the sexy punters (ie: YOU) out there who are quizmatically inclined.
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT… ALFIE?
Chortle. Go you and your cult movie quote remembering self*. Well, since it’s yet to be written I cannot guarantee anything but isn’t that the way you free spirited coolsie kids prefer things? ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN. Also, it’ll probably centre on rock’n’roll, general pop culture and maybe, just maybe, the mating rituals of the Gulf of California’s blue-footed booby.
That’s a bird, you perverts. Look it up.
SEVEN PM? BUT DAT BE DIN DIN TIMES. NO THINKY WHEN TUMMY RUMBLE BANG DRIBBLE…!
Fear not, odd sounding chum. Not only will there be trivia to keep you amused and/or educated, but the kitchen will be serving up TEN DOLLAR CHICKEN PARMAS!
ALRIGHT, YOU’RE TAKING THE PISS WOMAN!
I swear on all that is good and holy in the world (Mia Cartwright-Hewitt et all), everything I tell you is true. And the parmas at The East are feckin superb too. Your stomach will thank you later, you can quote me on that.
WHO WILL HOST SUCH A DAZZLING EVENT?
Not since Andrew O’Keefe, Rove McManus and Eddie McGuire teamed up to host the 2005 Logie Awards has the entertainment world seen such a dynamic collaborative force… yes, George H (of Hair Of The Dog @ The Empress fame) and yours truly (of no fame, but boy - can I down a pint of beer in one gulp! Watch me go!) will take you on a mental adventure so intensely pleasurable, you may as well be in goddamn Kubla Khan.
I just wanted to sound smart and make a Coleridge reference but we both know that analogy was rather bloody awful. Don’t look at me.
I MISS DAVE THE SCOTSMAN ALREADY.
Sniff. Dave’s hosting magic will be sadly missed, I concur, but he’ll be there in spirit. And possibly in chains, from time to time, if he falls for the old Rohypnol-in-the-Guinness trick. Meanwhile I shall endeavor to be half the man he is. And maybe steal his fiancé should the mood take me.
SO STOP BLABBING AND SUMMARISE POST HASTE.
EBC Rock & Pop Culture Trivia
(aka So You Think You’re A Clever Cunt?)
7pm each Tuesday night starting from May 30th.
@
East Brunswick Club
280 Lygon Street
East Brunswick 3057
www.eastbrunswickclub.com
1 and 8 trams should drop you right outside, if I’m not mistaken. HANDY!
Be there or be punched in the face by me (emotionally) next time I see you.
PS: I will have inevitably buggered up some or all of the information contained in this inexplicably long post so I apologise in advance and shall post corrections later should it be necessary.
*Course, I shamelessly stole the idea of using that line in such a comedic manner from the beautiful - and now frighteningly zombie-like on her MySpace profile - Clem Bastow.
And there you have it.
Posted by Jess at 10:41 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Tonight’s Nomination Show… | BB06
Three things of note so far…
ASHLEY’S NEW HAIRCUT
Well, hellooooooo sailor! Sure, you’re thick as pigshit most of the time but your newfound prettiness means you can stick around another week or two. Trust me, my middle names are “Legion Interactive”.
MICHAEL CONTINUES TO SUCK COCK IN HELL!
Fuck me dead, could you be THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH? Some people - NOT ME - put the extremely cocklord-like behaviour you’d exhibited during this season of the show down to you being appointed the Insider. But tonight you proved that deep down you really are just a shockingly repugnant rimlicking gibbon-molesting festering boil on the arse of humanity. Or something along those lines. Can next week’s task be Make Michael Cry Like A Little Girl?
GRETEL KEEPS IT REAL!
“Don’t we have any homies here? We normally do!”
God love you, Gretel.
Posted by Jess at 9:50 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)HMMMMMPH! | BB06
Very interesting.
(It is quite possible - nay, likely - we share the same insider but still. Remember you heard it here first!)
Posted by Jess at 9:03 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Further To Yesterday’s Eurovision Post…
So by now you all know the winners of Eurovision were these delightful looking people…
… who represented Finland and go by the name Lordi. And wasn’t their tune “Hard Rock Hallelujah” a corker? They were the only entrant to get FULL MARKS from me at last night’s knees-up over at Will Fop’s place.
Other highlights from the evening were (and I shall pilfer quotes shamelessly from Will’s AMAZING printable form guide which is sadly too large for me to put online in all its majesty):
MOLDOVA - I like any song with lyrics like “Hey, loco, please espera un poco. I will give you my choko. Do you want it or not?”
LATVIA - Bugger the a cappella stuff, I was more impressed by their use of a magic robot. Completely bizarre and superfluous and therefore thoroughly brilliant.
SPAIN - They were my country and I had high hopes but really, were they even trying? They spent most of the song lazily spinning around in chairs you could pick up in Office Works for under twenty bucks. Let me assure you, Las Ketchup, standing up once during a three minute tune, doing one lap around a microphone stand and then sitting back down again DOES NOT constitute dancing. That said, this section is about highlights and I DID enjoy hearing the bit “Duty free! Duty free! Duty FREEEEEEEEE!” in your song Bloody Mary.
GERMANY - Awww, fronted by an Aussie lass and all. I’m surprised this syrupy little faux-country pop number didn’t do better than it did, but my understanding is that immigration and Eastern Bloc countries are to blame. Or something.
RUSSIA - Oh, isn’t Dima Bilan a handsome young thing never mind the mullet? And as Will pointed out in his form guide, Dima had “a comedy woman who pops out of a piano” which really made the whole performance.
CROATIA - I really liked this song, but mostly because there was a bit in it which sounded like the singer was saying “When it is in my butt, that’s when I come…”
TURKEY - The dancers were hot. The end.
Oh, and the party itself was ace - I fell in love with about five handsome gay men (CURSES, FATE!) and enjoyed wolfing down the Eurovision themed food selection.
MARVEL AT WILL’S LITTLE FINNISH CAKES!
GASP AND APPRECIATE THE NORWEGIAN ‘FISKEFARSE’!
Be sure to tune in the RRR (102.7FM in Melbourne, or stream from rrr.org.au) on Wednesday night from midnight to hear Will “on air” discussing the highs and lows of this year’s competition with the explosive CLEMBASTOW and yours truly. We’ll rock out with our cocks out to Hard Rock Hallelujah too.
PS: Kicking off on Tuesday May 30th, a rock and pop culture related weekly trivia night will begin at the East Brunswick Club. More information will be posted on here shortly.
Posted by Jess at 4:43 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)May 21, 2006
Eurovision 2006 (Aka No Big Brother Blogging This Evening)
Tonight I shall be attending a rather exclusive shindig over at Will Fop’s place and watching Eurovision. As you can imagine, it takes a lot for me to voluntarily miss out on a Big Brother eviction, but such is Will’s passion for international pop’s night of nights, there was simply no way I could miss his “do”.
He has informed me that…
a) EUROVISION IS HIS MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS SO NO ONE CAN FUCK TONIGHT UP!
b) Thus all attendees must represent a country and bring a native dish. I am representing Spain, for whom the lady group Las Ketchup are performing on behalf of, and taking with me a bit of Spanish chocolate. I hope this will suffice or else there is not a doubt in my mind I will be stabbed to death.
c) Attendees must arrive between 6:15pm and 6.30pm. NO EARLIER, NO LATER. Mummy, I’m scared.
d) No one can leave before 10.30pm as this will ruin Monsieur Fop’s centralised scoring.
e) The centralised scoring will involve attendees giving each country a mark out of ten for various categories including Appeal to Gays & Children, General Jauntiness and Hair & Make Up.
f) I was told yesterday that Ms Fits would be allowed to text me once - at 8.05pm precisely - to give me a Big Brother update. Checking my phone at any other time will result in being escorted from the premises.
g) But then today he rang and instead requested she make contact only when Romania is performing. After I let her know the change of plans, Ms Fits replied “How the fuck am I meant to know when that is? Honestly…”
h) And now I feel like a pop culture latch key kid. WHY AM I STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS?!
(weeps quietly)
Regardless, I’m sure the night will be wonderful but I will require you all to let me know what happened, visual highlights, and various hilarious quotes from the Big Brother eviction evening in the comments, if you don’t mind. Thank you very much!
PS: Will is now again on the phone saying “Change of plans. Ms Fits may text at 8.15pm, and then you will give the room a speech describing the results. It will be just like crossing to Angela Bishop. And remember - no texting other than then, I do NOT want to see ANY frantic thumb action from you.”
Hold me. Also, I’m a bit pumped. More later.
Posted by Jess at 7:51 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)May 20, 2006
For Absolutely No Reason Whatsoever II…
Hypnotic, non?
Posted by Jess at 7:13 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)For Absolutely No Reason Whatsoever…
Where has Millsy gone? I miss his raffish charm and cheeky scamp performing style.
AUSTRALIA NEEDS ITS HOMEBRAND ROBBIE WILLIAMS BACK, PLEASE.
Posted by Jess at 5:55 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)May 17, 2006
Reasons To Love Jay Marx
I’m a bit delayed when it comes to talking about Mr Marx due to being in Big Brotherland over the past few weeks, but can all you filthy pinkos reading put your hands together for American construction working Jay Marx, please?
“John Howard, get out of Iraq!”
Not actually Jay-as-he-said-it but it’ll
help you imagine his ginger powers of Good.
BUT WHY?
Why can’t I command you people to do as I wish, like an army of evil but loyal wolverines? Good grief.
Alright, give him a “hell yeah” because…
- He shares a surname with Richard Marx!
- He heckled John Howard while the PM was verbally fellating ol’ Dubya to the press!
- He hangs out at women’s peace group meetings!
- Even though he is quite clearly a man!
- He is always willing to accept financial responsibility for any possible damage which may occur to equipment whilst fighting “The Man”.
And here he is getting arrested. Which, as all of you know, makes him extra cool and thoroughly streetwise.
“Get your hands off me, you damn dirty apes!
Also, I am not the lead singer of Nickleback
despite all appearances to the contrary.”
In other Herbie Howard Goes Bananas news, I am sure I wasn’t the only one who keenly enjoyed watching the footage of our beloved Prime Minister and President Bush planting trees in matching outfits. And when George, concentrating extra hard to ensure he didn’t mistakenly say the name “Tony” instead of “John”, began throwing inane platitudes around willy nilly to reporters whilst discussing his favourite deputy sherriff and our pint-sized leader began unconcsiously leaning in closer toward George’s mouth as Le Prez mumbled sweet nothings?
My icy leftist heart nearly fucking melted there and then.
“Tell you what… truth is, sometimes I miss
you so bad I can hardly stand it…
VIVA THE HOWARD-DUBYA MUTUAL APPRECIATION SOCIETY!
Posted by Jess at 2:56 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Could I Love David More? No, No I Couldn’t. | BB06
He was just booty dancing while singing Belinda Carlisle’s* “Summer Rain” in the bedroom.
Sigh.
Plus he and Rob seem to suspect there’s a secret gay in the house which is rather interesting.
UPLATE FOREVS!
*I am obviously repressing the fact he’s probably singing the Slinkee Minx version, but can you blame me? Slinkee Minx and ausculture.com have quite the volatile history.
Posted by Jess at 1:49 AM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)May 16, 2006
DO MY BIDDING, MERCHANDISE DEPARTMENT!
Jesus Christ. Thanks must go to reader Saurian for pointing out that the Big Brother site is now selling the Game On, Moles tshirts I planned on knocking up myself… for $44!
Slip me a tenner and I’ll write the same thing on a Bonds singlet with a posca pen and it’ll be extra special, swears.
COMING SOON TO CLOTHING NEAR YOU -
- Oatsgate underwear!
- Yay! My Vibrators! trucker caps!
- Jamie Hearts Katie headbands!
- Gretel’s Scriptwriter 4 Evs coffee mugs!
If You Are Not Watching… | BB06
… the greatest moment so far in this year’s Big Brother, then switch to Channel Ten immediately.
Michael is getting FUCKED UP and it’s genius.
More later…
UPDATE ONE Michael getting the innards ripped out of him by irate housemates leading to a full minute of bleeping because, one presumes, the language was too foul to be aired at such an early time, is one of my favourite Big Brother moments ever.
UPDATE TWO - Let’s meet the first intruder and sum her up with one line.
JADE = POOR MAN’S VESNA-CONSTANCE HYBRID
UPDATE THREE - And the second intruder…
DANIELLE = POOR MAN’S RICKI LEE COULTER
And by the way, Gretel - “cutting someone’s lunch” is a perfectly valid turn of phrase. I note that Danielle is far less of an idiot than I thought she’d be.
UPDATE FOUR - And the third intruder…
ROB = POOR MAN’S PETE BURNS
Hmmm. I actually like him a lot more than I thought I would. He has a demented grandma and he hearts Katie, which is adorable. Goodness, I think I’m going to worship him by the end of the week. But for the love of god, confiscate the man’s tweezers post haste!
Posted by Jess at 9:47 PM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)Gifts You Now Needn’t Bother Giving Britney Spears (#1)
- Fancy new 100 ft long spool of red twine.
Which really buggers up the present ausculture.com bought for Britters in anticipation of her December 2nd birthday. You see, Ms Spears-Federline has just put a post up on her official site stating…
I no longer practice Kabbalah; my baby is my religion
And thanks to her superhuman inseminator hubby Kevin, she’ll be a Polytheist in just a few months time.
Madge must be gutted at this very obvious snub.
(Via No Rock & Roll Fun)
Posted by Jess at 3:07 PM Link | TrackBack (0)May 15, 2006
Right, Here’s Your Task For The Week… | BB06
SMS “David” to 199 2SAVE.
Yours with gratitude,
Jess Ausculture
Posted by Jess at 10:54 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Poor Little Reuben… | BB06
Ex-Daddy ain’t coming home on Sunday night.
“Please don’t quit, Faux-Pops!
Quitting make widdle Roo-Roo sad!”
Still, I’ve committed to a Eurovision party this Sunday night and I’d be gutted if I were away from my MBBS peeps on the evening Michael was evicted from the house so good news all around then. Besides, after tomorrow night Michael has at the very least two weeks in the house with everyone in there knowing - and hating him for telling - the Reuben lies.
TOMORROW. NIGHT. WILL. RULE.
Posted by Jess at 10:29 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)VALIDATED BY THE OFFICIAL SITE! | BB06
Right. Game on, moles it is. Let us never speak of “molls” again!
PS: Okay, so the people behind the official site are as ignorant as me. Whatevs! As far as I’m concerned, it means they love and support me and think I am brilliant and this fact is not up for discussion.
Posted by Jess at 6:23 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Ausculture Hits The Official Forums… | BB06
After the Friday Night Live show (and let me assure you, there’s nothing like watching it with a glass of wine and six other cackling ladies screaming obscenities at the screen), my feelings of white hot loathing toward Michael were amplified after he began praying and giving God a fist-pump (not as rude as it sounds) after winning the evening’s games. When he then prayed again before picking one of three boxes to see if he’d won an overseas holiday, well - I texted my own Omnipotent Power In The Sky and gave him the heads up.
Dear God, lol chk out dat wanka! Dont let him win da priz omg or hell be an evn BIGA cunt dan eva! Pls take care o dis plz LOLOLOL chrs mate u rulez (evryfin) x
The Big Guy knows I don’t text him on his personal mobile number unless it’s important so he immediately “got on it” and ensured Michael missed out on the great prizes and instead won a Chinese laundering voucher.
Buoyed by such a pleasing result, I soon found myself on the internerd looking to vent some joy and decided to dive head first into the official site’s forums and bang out a statement regarding my feelings for Michael.
An Open Letter To Michael
HAHAHA ENJOY YOUR LAUNDRY! Suck it, you self-fellating one man %!#% jamboree - I prayed before you picked a box and clearly my god’s better than your god. EVEN THE POWERS ABOVE THINK YOU’RE AN ARSEHAT OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!
If you get down on your knees one more time, I will personally fly up to Queensland and belt the beejeezus out of your smarmy face* till you realises how irritating and irksome you truly are.
*Emotionally, of course. I don’t condone violence**
**OR DO I? I am an enigma.
I thought I sounded charming and passionate but no. Mixed reactions followed.
well arnt you a blessed soul
I THINK THEY WERE BEING SARCASTIC. Ouch.
an enigma or an enema?
HARSH! And truthfully, I am probably a little of both. Possibly leaning toward the latter after a weekend of cheese-focused binge eating (boom boom).
ausculture
I do not agree with anything you had to say, but I must admit you did have a very eloquent turn of phrase.
Actually, I do agree with one thing - I also do not condone violence.
Isn’t that sweet? Although I am an insane Tourettes sufferer and a rabid Michael-hater, our friend here managed to look past all that and find it within themselves to give me props on an “very eloquent turn of phrase”. This is just about my favourite ever forum response to one of my bleatings. I look forward to singing “Imagine” at an anti-war protest with my new web-chum in the near future.
ausculture: what a nice human being you obviously are(rolls eyes).
Just when I thought I was getting some love - BAM! Slammed down by a nicely timed virtual eye rolling.
And so endeths the tale of my first and last frolic on the official forums. I guess it’s back to the delightfully irreverent BBBA forums for me then.
FIGHT DA MAN! BBBA 4EVS!
Posted by Jess at 5:59 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Farewell, Karen! | BB06
So, it looks like ausculture.com was right - Karen, while generally considered less heinous than Camilla, was evicted last night from the Big Brother house. This leaves Krystal to run free in the house, finally out of range (except, erm, she’ll be on the telly) from her mother’s watchful and thoroughly moral eyes. Oh, I do hope it leads to some Uncut material!
Here are some random thoughts regarding the pre-eviction Daily Show…
- KATIE! Please, for god’s sake, stop doing that insecure girl thing of “You don’t like me, do you? Prove to me that you like me!” as poor old Jamie looks extremely weary. As Gretel pointed out, Jamie has been extremely patient when it comes to Katie’s lack of self-confidence, and his little talk with her beside the pool (“You’re beautiful, inside and out…”) was HEART-MELTINGLY WONDERFUL AND AUSCULTURE.COM OFFICIALLY LOVES JAMIE DESPITE HIS VOCAL AFFECTATIONS!
- Just when you think it completely impossible, Michael defies logic and acts like an even bigger tosser. When he walked into the bathroom where Katie - post-argument with Jamie - was washing her face and visibly in tears, and decided to LAUNCH INTO HIS FUCKING REUBEN SOB STORY WITHOUT EVEN ASKING HOW SHE WAS… oh lord. I would pay good money to kick him in the crotch.
- Note that they’re showing more of Gaelan these days. I suppose after the first eviction when Elise and Tilli both answered the question “Who was the funniest in the house?” with an assured “GAELAN!” and the Australian public scratched their heads and wondered “Wha? He doesn’t say anything. He’s never on screen!”, Big Brother producers decided it might be an idea to let us in on the personalities of the housemates who aren’t Insiders, world firsts or catty Frankston bitches.
- Speaking of catty Frankston bitches, I am no longer on side with Anna. I went away over the weekend with a bunch of Anna haters and I think I was brainwashed or something because I am changing my tune. Don’t get me wrong, “Game on, moles!” is still my favourite ever quote from the house and I’m still terribly enamoured of her use of “Hello, Clarice” but messing with Katie, joining Dino’s homophobe club and her proud tales of making other girls feel like rubbish in the outside world lead me to believe she’s not actually good people, people. I like that she stirs in the house but I can no longer voice public support for her. Unless she pulls out another “Game on, moles!”-esque quote in which case - welcome back to my heart, Anna!
Prepare yourselves for tonight’s nominations and Uncut episode, folks.
Posted by Jess at 4:51 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)May 12, 2006
I Am A Terrible Blogger \ Michael’s A Babydaddy Wanker | BB06
ARGH!
“Who knows where the time goes?” the Fairport Convention once asked, and I’ve got to side with the poignant fuckers. How is it already Friday? Why haven’t I been online and posting like a woman possessed? I have no real answers.
The sad thing is I won’t be around this weekend either. BUT! On Monday morning, I am starting a whole new approach to this blogging malarkey. I will bang out a post every morning without fail* - maybe even two! - and they won’t necessarily all be related to Big Brother.
But speak of the devil…
MICHAEL IS A COMPLETE ARSEHAT. Honestly, making up a story like that in order to inspire sympathy\nomination votes…
Wait, you have no idea what I’m on about? Here’s the rubbish Michael’s been telling the housemates (well, David and Dino as of last night’s Uplate at the very least) in easily digestible point form…
- Michael has, for the last eight years, believed he was the father of a small boy.
- The boy’s name is Reuben.
- Reuben is eight years old, turning nine on June 30th.
- Right before he came into the house, a paternity test proved Michael was not Reuben’s biological father.
- JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
- There now appears to be some sort of custody battle going on and there’s a chance poor little Reuben will be moving to London.
- Michael is now unsure whether to leave the house to sort the situation out or stay in and hope for the best.
- Because, you know, he always taught little Reuben how important it was not to quit anything.
- Yup, as Michael guided Reuben through such things as school work, sport and just life in general, he always hammered home “Never quit, son! Daddy is proud of you… (sniffle) I love you, little guy.”
- So you see, MIchael cannot leave the house voluntarily to go and sort this whole situation out.
- BEAUSE REUBEN’S FAITH IN HIM WOULD BE SHATTERED!
- AND LITTLE REUBEN HAS SO LITTLE LEFT TO BELIEVE IN! He may decide not to hold onto that feeelin’!
- Street light! Peeeeee-paaaaaaaaaaa-uuhhhhhh-oooooh-uuuuuuul!
- This is off-topic but check out this Journey fanfic.
- Where was I? Oh yes. Do you see? Michael cannot quit but he desperately wants to go, hence everyone must nominate him!
- FUCKWIT!
Did Michael really think such an elaborate web of lies was necessary in order to get eight people to nominate him, as per his Insider task from Big Brother? He has the words “Irritating Spankbucket” stamped on his forehead, I dare say he could have convinced eight housemates to put him up for eviction simply through continuing to let his sparkling personality run free in the house.
In any case he is clearly so enthralled by his own performance that he’s making the story more and more complicated - which, as every good liar knows, means it’s easier to get sprung. And I for one cannot wait to see the fall out if and when the other housemates discover just what a manipulative prick he is.
That said, he’s helping ensure the house isn’t quite so boring so I suppose we owe him something. A punch in the cock perhaps.
PS: Karen to go this week. This is because while she’s not as obviously offensive as Camilla, she doesn’t inspire much feeling - either positive or negative - amongst the Teenage Girl Voters. So while she won’t get as many Evict votes this week, she also won’t get as many Save votes. It was the difference in the Evict\Save votes which led to Elise being kicked out last week over Michael. Did that theory make sense? I need a cup of coffee.
PPS: This computer has no spell-check and I’m too exhausted to go over all of the above in search of typos so please just accept me as the flawed girl with a heart of gold that I am.
PPPS: I am tired because I door-bitched last night but that’s a tale for another day.
*NB: Failure should be expected.
Posted by Jess at 1:49 PM Link | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)May 9, 2006
Big Brother Related Pop Quiz | BB06
Q. WHAT DO ALL THESE PEOPLE HAVE IN COMMON?
A. THEY’VE ALL INSERTED AT LEAST ONE BODY PART INTO KATE MOSS.
That’s right, kids… David’s supermodel shag? Yes, it was everyone’s favourite charlie nuzzling celeb… Ms Kate Moss!
(phone rings)
Hello? Oh… you sure? Okay. No no, that’s fine… alright… thanks very much, fellas. That was a close one! Heh.
(hangs up)
Ahem.
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for the interruption but I needed to answer a call from ausculture.com’s solicitors, the lovely lads from Crunt, Libel & Associates. They’ve suggested I rephrase the answer to my pop quiz so if you don’t mind…
A. THEY’VE ALL INSERTED AT LEAST ONE PART OF THEIR BODY IN KATE MOSS… ALLEGEDLY.
There you have it. You heard it here first (I hope), and we grabbed the news from a reliable source who shall not be named and god help anyone who tries to make me spill my guts because I am quite prepared to self-righteously Derryn Hinch myself to the extreme. Contempt of court would be a right lark… especially if it led to me hanging out with Lillian Frank.
Posted by Jess at 11:56 PM Link | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)A Mixed Bag O’ Stuff
I have a lot to write about but due to an unexpectedly big weekend (reading the Bible loads, working in the garden and eating tofu), I am simply too shattered to go into great detail. So here is some stuff. You can click on in. Magic will happen. Trust me.
- David Beckham would like Posh to bang out another ridiculously monikered child. One without a doodle, preferably.
- I know it’s the story you’ve all been talking about and finally it’s been confirmed - Karen from BB is Troy Corser’s first cousin!
Who the fuck is Troy Corser? - And what about Tilli and Elise getting booted? WHEN WILL MICHAEL LEAVE THE GODDAMN HOUSE?!
- Did we all see the bit on Big Brother: Adults Only tonight where Jamie touched Katie’s special place?
- Well done, John Wood - it’s wonderful to see the Senior Citizens Against John Wood Society’s long reign of Logie votes dominating terror end.
- Back to Big Brother! Krystal, Camilla and Karen are up for eviction this week… Who do you think is going to go? Ms Fits reckons Camilla will be tossed out on her arse but Dirty “Premium Access” Derek is putting his money on Karen. I’m undecided for now but will let you in on my position (which you’re no doubt on the edge of your seat waiting to discover - cough) once I’ve worked out what I’d like to see happen and what I think is gonna happen.
- There’s lots more but it’s very late and I’ll get to it over the next few days.
Finally, I have some VERY VERY EXCLUSIVE Big Brother gossip which you guys are like, totally gonna like, fucking like, luuuuuurve but I must wait twenty four hours for the source to feel comfortable with it “going live” as they say in some sort of business I’m not really familiar with.
Posted by Jess at 1:40 AM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)May 7, 2006
This Woman Is A Genius
And for providing Australians with one of the greatest moments ever seen on television, today ausculture.com salutes Joan Rivers. Any woman who howls “Why the fuck am I here?” on the Logies stage and then tells Richard Wilkins “Don’t touch me!” is a goddess in my eyes.
PLEASE WORSHIP APPROPRIATELY.
Posted by Jess at 10:43 PM Link | Comments (18) | TrackBack (0)May 5, 2006
Good Lord. I May Even Start To Like Her… Part II | BB06
More from the diary…
Michael and Ashley ask Anna if she has, “got a lot of hot friends in Melbourne?”Posted by Jess at 2:25 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
“Yeah, but not for you,” she replies, looking at Ashley.
“Why not?”
“Because they’d probably rather lick a public toilet bowl.”
Good Lord. I May Even Start To Like Her… | BB06
From the official site’s diary…
Jamie and Katie move from the hot tub to the sauna. Anna pushes her face up against the window in the door of the sauna and says creepily: “Hello Clarice”.Posted by Jess at 2:19 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
It’s Time To Choose A Side | BB06
There have been intense discussions amongst those I chat to about Big Brother as to whether Camilla or Anna is the more heinous of the Dipshit Twins.
Personally, I think Anna is a bit of a sook and quite spoilt but most of her idiocy stems from insecurity. I think she feels - and perhaps rightfully so - backed into a corner by the girls of the house and she’s lashing out and bawling her eyes out at the drop of a hat. She’s painful and tedious, yes, but she’s nothing like…
THE EVIL CAMILLA. Seriously, that girl is fucking bitter. She’s manipulative, she waited just a few hours after getting back into the house before stabbing Anna - her new “friend for life” - in the back, and you can see that she’s quietly encouraging the surliness between Anna and the Krystal Massive because it takes attention off all the bitchy and PSYCHOTIC HOSE BEAST BEHAVIOUR she’s indulged in over the past week and a bit.
MsCynic has written a fine case against Camilla here. Do read it.
So tonight, the sadistic* Genny B and I were chatting on the phone and decided that we were firmly in the Team Hate Camilla camp. I’d probably give them both a slap on the face, but in Camilla’s case, I’d be wearing a diamond ring twisted around so the super-sharp stone exacted a painful punishment for her monstrously aboherent behaviour.**
Which side are you joining? Oh go on, it’s the new Team Aniston \ Team Jolie for the daft reality television consuming generation. There are some who walk this earth who find Anna to be evil incarnate but I really just can’t see it.
*Seriously. When I was waiting for my flight from Sydney to Melbourne and mentioning my ever-present fear of dying in a fiery plane crash, she began singing Shannon Noll’s “Lift” to me - except she changed the words to “I know you’re hurtin’ cause you’re not flying. Oh yes you’re dying and I ain’t crying. Ooooooh I know you’re gonna die - you’re not gonna fly, you’re gonna die! You’re gonna break a rib!”
**In the scheme of Big Brother world. Although she’d probably kick your grandmother if given half a chance. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!
PS: Oh, by the way - Claire aka Zookeeper was actually quite on the money this evening when she pointed out to Big Brother that Karen, having realised she’s got no chance of winning the money, is trying to remove all threats to Krystal’s domination of the gals - hence the extreme bitterness towards Anna and continuation of the tiresome drama. WHEN DID CLAIRE GET A BRAIN? One down, rest of the house to go…
PPS: SixFtHick show versus Flashdance\Footloose killer combo on the telly. I AM TORN!
Posted by Jess at 12:39 AM Link | Comments (21) | TrackBack (0)May 4, 2006
Stuff About Ausculture
You may have noticed that ausculture.com has been rather obsessed with Big Brother and hasn’t really blogged about anything else over the past two weeks.
Really, it’s shameful - especially considering the following.
- Suri Holmes-Cruise-a-Court Operating Thetan IV has entered the world
- Britney has managed to get knocked up again
- BRAD AND ANGELINA’S BABY IS DUE ANY BLOODY MINUTE
Full internet access at home is yet to be sorted so I don’t have much time to bang out the posts like in the olden days. So when I finally do get a moment in front of a computer, I can’t help myself - it’s all about Big Brother.
That said, proper balanced blogging really shouldn’t be too far off. The special BB06 minisite is raring to go and I just need to get my paws on a new banner for it and we’ll be set. The adorable Fluffy has kindly volunteered to knock on up but if you’ve got some sort of Photoshop skill and feel a deep burning desire within your soul to come up with a somewhat amusing 400 x 125 pixel banner for our minisite, feel free to email it to gameonmoles at gmail.com. We can have rotating banners - CAN YOU HANDLE THE EXCITEMENT?
Oh, and one day the mega pop-culture quiz’ll happen. Swears.
PS: The comments thingo is acting in a diva-ish manner as some of you may have noticed. It stalls for me as well after I hit “Post” but if I open a new window and check the site, it’s usually gone up anyway. Apologies to those having difficulties - we love feedback and appreciate everyone who takes the time to holla something in our direction so fingers crossed it sorts itself out soon. I’d fix it myself right now if I could but I am a doofus who knows nothin’ about how these things work.
UPDATE - The original email address mentioned above was getoutofmydreamsandintomypants at gmail.com but I’ve forgotten the password to that account. IDIOT! So gameonmoles it is. And I think MrLefty pointed out in a comments thread elsewhere that it should be “molls” (although in this house, “moles” is still applicable) but bugger it. That’s how I spelt the insult as a child, and if Mark from American Movie can pronounce “coven” as “koh-ven” because “kuv-en” sounds too much like “oven”, then I can get away with this.
Posted by Jess at 6:31 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Memo To Irritating Tarts | BB06
Tilli, Krystal and Camilla all agree that they won’t be hooking up with any guys in the house because they have realised they are in love with people outside the house.
Please die*.
*And by that, I obviously mean “get evicted soon”.
Posted by Jess at 6:23 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Draw Your Own Conclusions! | BB06
Welcome to a new ausculture.com Big Brother feature, where we grab various one liners from the official website’s articles and diary entries and throw them on here with absolutely no indication of the context in which they were originally used.
John has trouble getting David out of bed.
“That one’s got some funky-arse lips!”
“We are shit negotiators,” Michael and David admit…
“Can you see out of those coin slots?” he asks.
As soon as Katie tastes it she spits it out.
Ashley is in the kitchen with his pants half mast…
Gaelan and Krystal proceed to get themselves saturated.
“What are you doing?” she asks her bum.
One of the boys shouts out: “Dino’s got the hardest piff I’ve ever seen mate!”
Posted by Jess at 2:18 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Ashley Tries To Develop A Personality | BB06
Ashley takes a break from cleaning windows. He complains to Gaelan and Dino that several HMs are still sleeping. He says they’re lazy and decides he’s going to wake them up by jumping on their beds. The boys advise him against it and warn him that the sleeping HMs will only get annoyed with him. “I’m looking for it today,” says Ashley. “I want conflict today.”
Eventually he decides to follow Dino and Gaelan’s advice and let his HMs sleep. He says he doesn’t understand why BB picked on him this morning, since he’s the one who’s always cleaning and tidying. He claims that BB knows his character too well and knows that he will get “fired up” if pushed. Ashley grumbles: “He wants me to get angry.”
Eventually he decides to follow Dino and Gaelan’s advice and let his HMs sleep. He says he doesn’t understand why BB picked on him this morning, since he’s the one who’s always cleaning and tidying. He claims that BB knows his character too well and knows that he will get “fired up” if pushed. Ashley grumbles: “He wants me to get angry.”
Big Brother knows your character too well, eh Ashley? Yes, I dare say he’s worked out exactly which buttons to push in order to get a reaction out of “John”.
Posted by Jess at 2:18 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)May 3, 2006
“I Know The Line To Cross…”
Yes, Gary Glitter - clearly you do and that may indeed be the problem.
Posted by Jess at 11:43 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Oh, And The Greatest Moment In Tonight’s Daily Show? | BB06
… Anna finds out that Karen doesn’t want to share a bed with her anymore.
She quietly seethes, takes a swig from her Bacardi Breezer and hisses…
“GAME ON, MOLES!”
Just. Fucking. Brilliant. I cannot wait to get that printed onto a shirt, along with “Yay! My Vibrators!” and “Oatsgate”.
Posted by Jess at 11:38 PM Link | Comments (9)Steady On, Australia - Give Elise A Go! | BB06
According to BBBA, Elise is the favourite to be the first evictee in Big Brother for 2006 on Sunday night.
WHY IS THIS? WHY DON’T YOU LOT APPRECIATE HER?
Jesus, if David can see the good in her then we should all give her another week to endear herself to the house.
After all, she is the soy sauce in the rice. The wasabi in the sushi roll. She’s the Mr Miyagi of the show. Tthe Iron Chef of Dreamworld. She’ll Tora! Tora! Tora! her way into the nation’s heart if we just give the poor lass some time!
(God bless you David, and your adorably “cultural” choices in metaphors.)
Posted by Jess at 11:24 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)A Summary Of Camilla & Anna’s Return To The House | BB06
(in the form of the text messages I sent to my chum Clooney who was out last night and insisted on being kept up to date with the goings on in the house)
7.01pm - Anna is crying her eyes out in anticipation of going back in. Camilla is over-joyed though and also suffering from a dreadful breakout.
7.08pm - Camilla is heinous and sitting with her legs open. BB is giving them the option of whether they want to tell the housemates they’ve seen everything…
7.11pm - Camilla wants to tell them, Anna wants to delay. Either way, Anna will be re-entering wearing the gear she nicked from Karen and Krystal while Camilla is wearing Tilli’s favourite outfit she’s been saving for her eviction night. SHIT WILL FLY!
7.12pm - “Tilli looks like a man” - Camilla about Tilli in the shower. ARGH! CAMILLA’S GONNA LAY THE SMACKDOWN TONIGHT!
7.23pm - Camilla is seriously fucking bitter. Wandering around muttering “stupid bitch” under her breath. Oooh Elise appears to be crying - more after the break.
7.28pm - David describes Camilla and Anna as “top girls”. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? Elise is crying to Dave about being bland…
7.30pm - He goes on to say “You’re the bloody soy sauce of the house! You’re the wasabi in the sushi roll!” Nb. This is because Elise is an Asian, you see. CULTURAL SENSITIVITY AT ITS BEST!
7.38pm - Michael is whinging to Krystal because she’s now “different”. He now has trust issues. Describes finding out the mother daughter thing as “dating somebody and being cheated on”. Stupid cock.
7.40pm - Elise is taking out nomination anger on the punching bag, Merlin style. Other housemates in the bedroom noting her tearies and deciding to include her more.
7.41pm - Ashley is counselling Elise. He can talk? To steal from Keanu in Parenthood, I didn’t even know he had teeth!
7.50pm - Girls are going in now… Being put into a bday present box for John… Scream! One ad break and BANG, it’s on!
7.57pm - Tilli is expressing joy at seeing them. So far, hugs all around. Oh WAIT! It’s starting…
8.00pm - Anna ends joyfest by blurting “we were in the revenge room” like an over-excited spastic child. Camilla now spilling guts - we stole your clothes, cold showers, etc. Tilli and Krystal are standing off to the side looking slightly shirty. Reasonably peaceful for now but tonight’s Uplate will be essential viewing.
So there you have it. And yes, they are my sent messages word for word. Yes, I do write thesis-length SMS’s. Well noted! No, you can’t see the ones I sent during Uplate whilst “under the influence”. Because I don’t have time to transcribe, that’s why! When will the incessant questioning end, people?!
I’d have written a proper summary but I didn’t have a chance due to going and seeing the wonderful Captain Frodo last night. He is seventeen different flavours of lovely and you should go and see his show at the Trades Hall at some point this week. Anyone who can do an impersonation of himself giving birth to himself to the soothing sounds of Spanish Flea being belted out on a moog wins points from me. Oh, and he will be playing his musical saw tonight LIVE IN THE STUDIO (I think) on RRR from 12am, radio listeners.
PS: The ever-informative Buck Fudd texted me this morning and said “Just watched last night’s BB: John has Tourette’s - watch for the blinking, screwing up nose, echolalia. Or is this old news?” Well Bucky, there WAS a rumour someone in the house had Tourette’s but most dismissed it as nonsense. However your text was enough to convince me it’s true so I will begin spreading this information as though it were fact.
Posted by Jess at 9:39 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)April 30, 2006
Tonight’s Fake Eviction \ Revenge Roomies | BB06
Absolutely marvellous work making tonight’s eviction look legit, Big Brother team.
Gretel: Welcome to tonight’s eviction, which is totally normal and above board.
(Work experience kid hits “Audience Applause” sound effect button)
Gretel: Wow, I bet it must be weird being part of a legitimate eviction when you’ve witnessed so many similar above-board evictions in previous seasons!
(Work experience kid hits “Audience Laugh” sound effect button)
Gretel: So you nominated today and now I’m going to tell you who is going to be booted from the house in less than thirty seconds, which is standard practice for me as you might remember. I am renown for not dragging out eviction announcements.
(Work experience kid hits “Breaking Glass” sound effect button accidentally, squeaky voice pipes up “Oh shit!”)
Gretel: Anna, you can go. Oh, and Camilla.
Big Brother voice over: Leave through the never before heard of “exit door”. Oh shit, I nearly forgot - I’m supposed to count down from ten. Better rush through it rather quickly… Ten, nighnatesevern… six… five… fawthrytoo… one…
So Anna and Camilla are now in the revenge room. And apparently too thick to understand the concept of getting revenge, repeating “I don’t understand” and “How do we get revenge? Huh? What’s going on? Me hungree faw da oatseys now, munchy munchy neeiiiiiigh…” over and over after Big Brother explained what was going down.
Still, it was promising to see Anna enter the Revenge Room and mutter happily “Revenge… REVENGE!” under her breath while rubbing her hands gleefully.
I also quite enjoyed seeing Camilla eat a poo sandwich after sitting awkwardly with Anna as footage of her nominating her fellow Revenger popped up on the screen.
Oh… and after Oatsgate, it’s fair to say that Krystal is screwed now. That is, of course, if the Dipshit Twins work out how to actually make the most of their time in the Revenge Room.
Posted by Jess at 8:32 PM Link | Comments (18) | TrackBack (0)“I Use My Body To Get What I Want…” | BB06
“… and I want oats!”
“A housemate trade? Can I trade someone for oats?
“The oats? Is that a ‘no’?”
Welcome to Oatsgate, kids. Anna won’t make the bread because all the housemates won’t join her in sacrificing something in order to get oats, Krystal’s gonna lay the smackdown on her if she doesn’t start motherfucking baking quick sticks, and Michael is left to explain the housemate’s perspective on Anna’s need for oats…
JESUS CHRIST, WHEN IS UNCUT ON PLEASE?
PS: I am alive, obviously, and my beloved chum Nic has free wireless floating in her loungeroom so here’s some unexpected and utterly pointless BB blogging for you. As for the flooding of the house - I awoke to find my mother standing on the patch of sopping carpet* in my bedroom. She raised an eyebrow, sarcastically asked “Felt like a bath last night, eh?”, glanced around at the twenty seven damp towels hanging from various bits of furniture… and then finished with “So, come visit me at work for a coffee!” and skipped out merrily.
WHO IS THIS WOMAN AND WHY WAS SHE ABSENT THROUGHOUT MY ADORABLY MISCHIEVOUS TEEN YEARS?
*That sounds a bit rude, doesn’t it? OH GROW UP.
Posted by Jess at 8:19 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Goodbye, Cruel World
It’s been a marvellous two and a bit years writing for ausculture.com, but it is with deep regret I inform you I am unlikely to continue blogging upon my return to Melbourne on Monday - and right at the beginning of Big Brother season!
You see, if it were up to me I’d keep plugging away on this little site till I were but a wrinkled old bird and me arthritis could take the tapping of keys no more, but…
I will probably be dead in the morning when my beloved mother (aka Rosculture) wakes to find I flooded the back half of her house after taking a late night bath an hour ago.
If - and that’s one big feckin’ if - the woman decides to spare my life, I’ll be back at full force on Monday, potentially with a Big Brother Sunday night fake - eviction - leading - to - secret - room - living - oh - the - hilarity - and - potential - for - violence - to - ensue wrap up.
But really… it’s not likely. Life has been sweet. Thank you all for your support.
Posted by Jess at 1:26 AM Link | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)April 28, 2006
Ausculture’s Gay Theory | BB06
Hey kids,
As promised, I’m banging out a special post to inform you of the latest - and probably INCREDIBLY CORRECT - theory that’s been floating around Ausculture HQ and the MBBS for the last two days.
The Big Brother advertising campaign before the season started made a lot of statements like “This year, there’ll be a world first.” and “Two of the housemates share the same secret.” Then Gretel eventually arrived on our tvs and confirmed in a smug manner that “everything Big Brother told you… was true.”
So we are to assume that every mysterious statement was utterly correct in its specific detail, yes?
The World First - although the kids on the messageboards are up in arms over the “world first” because they reckon it’s been done before, Big Brother has repeatedly used the words “World First” to describe the Karen\Krystal Mother\Daughter situation, thus we can safely tick the World First box on our list of Things To Wait For.
Now everyone’s appeared to have also used the Karen\Krystal thing to tick off the Two Of The Housemates Share The Same Secret box… BUT WHAT IF THAT’S NOT IT!?
We all know David’s had a secret. Big Brother has gone out of it’s way to push the “poor old David and the secret burden HE IS CARRYING ALONE” but guess what, folks?
We reckon there’s another gay in the house. Someone who is yet to announce their sexuality to anyone, someone David doesn’t even know about. This time Big Brother won’t be making it obvious from the start but rather plans on surprising the audience when the news comes out, so to speak.
What do you reckon? Do you agree with Ausculture’s Gay Theory? The MBBS have certainly jumped on board and the general consensus (as you may have guessed from the previous Ukulele-penned guest post) is that it’s Jamie.
I THINK DAVID AND JAMIE WOULD MAKE A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE. Until David leaves the house and chooses The Love That Dares To Shout Its Name In An Irritating Manner Quite A Bit, Actually.
PS: Thanks to Housemate Karen who was the person who initially raised the Two People With Secrets\Dave’s Not The Only Gay theory to me the other night.
Posted by Jess at 3:41 PM Link | Comments (25) | TrackBack (0)Last Night’s “Coming Out” Daily Show Episode | BB06
Because I was preoccupied with the important task of drinking giant beers with various charming hotties at a pub in Sydney last night, I was unable to watch what appears to have been an ASTOUNDING episode of Big Brother. I received texts from various people claiming “David’s just won the show, mark my words” and “OH MY GOD I am actually CRYING and it’s week one!” so clearly it was an Australian television event with a powerful emotional impact not seen since the passing of Madge Bishop on Neighbours. Oh great, now I’M crying.
While I dash off to grab a few tissues and imagine Madge comforting Gay David about his brave decision to out himself on her death bed, I suggest you read the following episode summary lovingly provided by the beautiful Ukulele. Woman? You are a chum and a half for doing this for me. I owe ya.
GUEST POST BY UKULELE
Something I spewed forth swiftly about Big Brother last night for Ausculture in Jessamie’s absence:
So David tells the house he is gay. Pink and rainbow flags fly across the nation in support.
Camilla feels like an idiot for throwing herself and her moon terrain skin at him and thinks Australia will hate her for fluttering her bedroom eyes at Gay David and so she cries and cries and cries and cries and then cries a little more about it. She looks like the attention whore we assumed she was from first sight and also someone who clearly has missed the point that this has been a very difficult moment for Gay David. She then decides to talk and cry about how difficult it is for a straight woman now days. She didn’t really say that but she may as well have with all her self indulgence. Blugh! And hey, Camilla, just to assure you of your instincts about Australia hating you, darling I am happy to confirm that yes we do. Very much.
The housemates all talk amongst each other about how “Awesome” Gay David is for being “out” with them and makes reference to how “it won’t change anything” about how they feel about him. Boring, boring. Can you please go back to see what Gay David is doing?
Our Katie hugs gay David and says “We still love you anyway”. Ah, duh!? As if being gay changes anything and the way you love someone? Oh yeah, oops, it does in your case Our Katie. Your virginity might have to be claimed by John who looks like 2004’s Carlos because…
Jamie (Our Katie’s other infatuation) is sitting and grinning like the cat who stole the cream which only confirms my suspicious that he is into a bit of Brokeback action and is into Gay David. Be warned people, there is something about Jamie and I think as Ms Fits put it so eloquently last night, there is indeed something about Jamie, something ‘queer’. Wacka Wacka. You heard it here first, sports fans. Jamie is gay! (Allegedly)
Gay David goes to talk to BB in the diary room. There were many a guts spilt about how he hopes his mother can hold her head high in the town of Buttfuck, QLD and know that her son lived his life only as he knew how; as a proud Gay Australian Pole Dancing Cowboy Organic Farmer. Kleenex shares soared as Australians hearts bleed for Gay David and his plight.
Gay David inadvertently claims title as winner of BB06 with his honest, soul baring journey through the landscape that is the BB house.
Fin.
Posted by Jess at 3:28 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)April 27, 2006
David’s Come Out To The Housemates | BB06
And typical - it had to happen while I was out of the house after a hard day’s work in a computer-less environment.
Go to BBBA to read the goss - though my favourite part of the drama was when I heard via a text message from Genny B that Camilla claimed to feel “unsexualised and masculine”. Poor little love.
Tomorrow’s daily show will be essential viewing.
I will probably (SCREAM) miss it as I will be catching planes and running around interstate with my chums. Hopefully I can convince someone from the MBBS to do a guest post about it but those crazy kids, eh? Who’d wanna tie ‘em down?
PS: There’s some insider goss about Elise to go online soon. Oh and a VERY INTERESTING THEORY OR TWO REGARDING GAYS AND ALSO, THE SUNDAY EVICTION. Hold your breath.
Posted by Jess at 3:56 AM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)Important Jamie Update | BB06
Well, it’s not really important but… we may be reassessing our stance on him.
Sure, he slips into an infuriating plum-in-mouth accent that makes him sound like Paul Burrell’s bastard child from time to time, laughs too heartily at his own jokes and makes me think of Bodhi from Point Break whenever he comes on screen…
… but my darling Genny B is a big fan and has repeatedly suggested I begin liking him and cease the “inexplainable” mocking.
I’m still not totally convinced I’ve mis concepted him but the fact he is bonding so well with our dearest Katie - and not in a sleazy or condescending way - makes me think there may be some good in the kid yet.
Yup, there’s only two people on earth whose opinions I respect so much that I’d do a 180 degree turn regarding a person in such a short space of time… and they are Jillian from The Biggest Loser and our new best friend Ms Feral Barbie.
Oh, make that three - I forgot to include Genny B there, how red is my face LOLOLOLOL etc!!!!!! *
*I have to say this or else she’ll kick me in the head, command her vicious cat Disco (“Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta for my mama\responsible pet owner!”) to claw at my ankles, and put an end to her adorable housemate leaving cupcakes beside my head as a breakfast surprise when I fall asleep at their house.
Posted by Jess at 2:31 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)April 25, 2006
More Reason To Worship Katie | BB06
Prepare yourselves, because Katie’s official site profile is chock-a-block full of comedic goodness.
I am mis concepted a lot because of my appearance (as I have just prior mentioned). For example when I am [modelling] and guys ask what I do and I tell them that I am just finishing a Diploma in Occupational Health and Safety, that I want to work on the minds and that I have had a scollarship before, they are all like, “Arrr, oh, well wasn’t expecting that.”
Thanks to Fluffy for giving me the heads up. How I missed stuff like “mis concepted” and “scollarship” is just… inexplainable.
Posted by Jess at 10:16 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)SCREAM! I’m Enjoying This Too Much | BB06
From the official site’s diary…
David is talking about a threesome he had overseas. Camilla asks David if, during his threesome, he touched or kissed the other guy. David looks puzzled and hesitates. “In Europe?” he says to himself. He clams up a little and admits he may have touched the other guy. To change the subject David asks Dino if he is okay with that sort of thing but Dino’s attention is already elsewhere
Well, it would be rather hard to avoid touching a boy during a threesome when you’re halfway up his tradesmen’s…
That was innapropriate and I’m sorry. I have no right to assume David’s the “top” in his boudoir shenanigans. He could be versatile - and for my sake, here’s hoping his open-mindedness goes as far as support and enjoyment of ladybits from time to time.
PS: “In Europe?” = BRILLIANT. That will be my answer to all sexually based questions thrust in my direction for the rest of my life. What goes on in Europe stays in Europe.
Posted by Jess at 7:27 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)TILLI HAS CROSSED THE LINE WITH ME! | BB06
It’s one thing to walk around with a Facts of Life haircut as though it’s perfectly normal.
But when you fuck with the Diggers…
Tilli gets a $5000 fine for misusing Anzac biscuit ingredients.
BITCH PLEASE!
How utterly un-Australian of her. I vote we stone her to death upon eviction. Grab your pitch-forks, it’s time to start a motherfucking mob.
It’s surprising though that Elise hasn’t stabbed Tilli already for such hideous and unpatriotic behaviour, considering Elise is just about the most dinky-di true blue Aussie in there. Yeah maaate, pass me the snags, a Tooheys New and bang on the latest Shannon Noll single because INTERGRATION ROCKS!
The countdown for Elise being Andrew Bolt’s new poster girl begins now…
Posted by Jess at 2:06 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)April 24, 2006
Is This David’s Ex? | BB06
Mr PopGoesCanberra? You’re a gem. As are the good folk over at the SayHey forums.
PS: Readers are welcome to send tips and gossip to jessisagimp at gmail.com.
PPS: I don’t want to put anyone off him but… am I the only one who thinks David resembles Bernard Fanning a little in the above snapshot?
Posted by Jess at 4:47 PM Link | Comments (22) | TrackBack (0)Highlights From the Last Few Diary Entries | BB06
Katie and Karen brave the pool, and then move to the hot tub. Katie admits she gets her left and her right confused. When she went for her drivers’ licence for the third time, she wrote “L” and “R” on her hands.
As Ms Fits eloquently put it when she emailed the MBBS the above snippet - “AUSTRALIA, WE HAVE A NEW HEROINE.”
Camilla is upset that she can’t find her photos as she unpacks. “Yay my vibrators!”
“Yay My Vibrators!” t-shirts will be available for sale through ausculture.com within the next week or two. Get your credit cards ready.
Jamie gets called to the diary room. Tilli: “Wow he’s really deep and intellectual.” Claire: “A little too deep.”
Are they taking the piss or have I missed something?
Jamie piggy-backs Katie to the bedroom. Jamie and Katie are sharing a bed. Jamie: “I sleep naked by the way.” Katie: “I sleep fully clothed.”
Which can only aid in her keeping her cherry unpopped.
David, John and Michael are in the gym. Michael tells the other guys that his mother is a school teacher and if he acts up in the house her students will be watching. He adds: “I am who I am, and if an opportunity arises with a girl I will take it.” “I’ve seen two boobs already,” David says.
And if rumours are to be believed, that’s two boobs more than he’s used to seeing on a regular basis.
Katie is talking with the other HMs in the living room. She explains to them she is “just a virgin”. The HMs wonder what she means by “just a virgin”. She explains it means: “I’ve done everything but.”
I adore her. She sounds like 3/4 of the girls I went to Catholic high school with.
David thinks Camilla is Bi and there is a possibility she’ll hook up with another woman in the house.
WE EVEN THINK THE SAME WAY, IT’S MEANT TO BE!
They test the vegies to see if they are cooked. The vegies are still bit crunchy but the girls decide they are cooked enough as everyone is starving.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
The conversation turns to David’s modelling career. On David’s first modelling job they flew him to Rome. It was all a bit too much he said, as he was surrounded by supermodels, and he cried to his chaperone. Karen asked if he slept with any supermodels. He admits that yes, he was intimate with a supermodel but he doesn’t want to talk about it.
MARCUS SCHENKENBERG!
Katie says: “I think everything will get eaten, like our bathers.” Jamie asks: “What?! What do you mean?” Katie: “Oh I forget you’re not my brain.”
Yes, it takes a special breed of person to get picked for the Big Brother house.
David and Camilla are still in the spa. They are talking about kissing. David says he always kisses with his eyes open, and he prefers no tongue unless he is having sex.
We can work on that, David.
Camilla asks how David plans on raising his core body temperature. I’m doing it now he replied, by tightly insulating my body. Camilla tells David he is a not a very good flirt because she was going to offer a hug. Are you one of the guys that never makes the first move, Camilla asks. “I’m shy and nervous and reserved,” he laughs. “I’m so nervous I can’t talk,” he jokes.
While it’s obvious David’s not keen on Camilla, how good would it be if the bisexual gal and the gay fellow hooked up in the house? Nearly as good as if the housemates got drunk, played spin the bottle and it was Karen’s turn and the bottle pointed at Krystal and there was an excruciatingly awkward moment where they both make their excuses…OH MY GOD THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.
Michael is the sole housemate left awake. He cleans the kitchen, wipes the benches, put the dining chairs back at the table and heads outside where he begins talking to himself. He also indulges in a one-way conversation with Big Brother. He walks around the yard, picking up rocks and examining everything from the pool to the garbage disposal area. He can’t believe all the housemates are single and in bed so early. He is unsure of the time. Michael makes a host of suggestions such as leaving the lights on, and cutting the shopping budget so as to irritate HMs and bring tensions to the surface. He decides to call it a night and heads to the bedroom.
God you’re a knob-jockey, Michael.
The girls question Camilla about her feelings for David, saying theyve noticed how much she seems to like him. Camilla admits: “He’s all kinds of hot.” “Have you guys pashed yet?” asks Krystal. “We’ve had a cuddle,” says Camilla coyly, adding that she loves his smile and finds him very genuine.
If he is gay, I cannot wait for the moment Camilla finds out. It’ll be just like when Mikey from Queer As Folk was outed to the girl he worked with who had a massive crush on him and she was completely - to steal a Fryzie-ism - “devo”.
Krystal and Michael talk in the yard, Krystal tells him: “Just when you think you’ve got me sorted I throw something else in there.” “Oh yeah, bring it on,” he says. She asks him to tell her something she doesn’t know about him. “I’m gay,” he replied. She replies: “Yeah, we know that.” Michael admits he isn’t gay but adds: “I would really love to be gay though.” “I would rather you to be metrosexual,” Krystal replies, adding: “Because all the good looking guys are turning gay.” “I’m happy that you’re single,” He tells her, she replies: “I might be married, I could be lying.” “You’re not the sweet innocent girl, you wouldn’t have made it here if you were,” he tells her adding: “There’s a twist to you.”
Michael is Damien, Krystal is Mirabai and I claim my five quid.
“So you don’t know what love is,” Michael says to her, adding, “that for me is a big issue.” “Love is what I see on the movies,” Claire replies. Ashley asks: “Do you think making love is different to having sex?” Definitely,” Claire replies. Ashley agrees, “It is.”
You know it. Yeah. That’s it. It is. That’s FIYA, Ash-Fed!
Every single one of them deserves to be punched repeatedly… with a chainsaw.
Posted by Jess at 3:59 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)And Just So I Can Sigh Happily Once More… | BB06
Meet the future Mr Jess Ausculture.
I don’t care if he’s gay or not. Since Will Fop and I have decided to make babies together*, I don’t see why I can’t get hitched to a homosexual and just completely abandon straight menfolk altogether.
STOP JUDGING OUR LOVE.
*This hilarious decision led to Will giving me the greatest compliment ever. When I said to him “You know, we can knock about with a turkey baster and create a pop culture loving superchild”, he clutched my hand and replied earnestly “Oh, Jessica… we won’t need a turkey baster. I’m sure I could ‘muster one up’ for you!” I won’t hold him to it but I love that he’d do the deed with a girl just because it’s me and I’m special.
Posted by Jess at 3:52 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)There Is Absolutely No Proof David’s Gay, Alright? | BB06
Camilla asks David about his time spent in Melbourne. He says he moved to the city because he wanted to live the life of the Dolly Parton song ‘9 to 5’.
From the official diary (our favourite source of news evs)…
Posted by Jess at 3:45 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Big Brother 2006 Launch Wrap Up | BB06
After what has seemed like an interminable wait for Big Brother devotees across the nation, finally the time has come to welcome a new bunch of housemates onto our television screens and begin the heckling and\or clutching to bosoms.
With the 2005 series of Big Brother proving somewhat disappointing, despite the appearance of ausculture.com’s favourite housemate ever (Mr Lefty Tim Brunero Esquire, for those of you new to the site), avid viewers of the program were keen to see whether the 2006 series of the show would end up the final nail in the reality series’ coffin or - fingers crossed - the beginning of a new and glorious era where blonde airheads and conniving hotties touch each other inappropriately and make their mothers cry with shame. In a good way.
Tonight’s series launch was live blogged by ausculture.com as promised, although I must apologise for the delay in getting the wrap up online. On the upside, magical wireless technology should soon hit the Chateaux de Ausculture (Melbourne Division) and then it’s motherfucking on for young and old.
Before we “kick it”, I’d like to give a shout out to the newly formed Melbourne Big Brother Society (or MBBS) who joined me tonight at the wonderful Lee’s house to watch the show and scream unintelligible things at Gretel Killeen during random moments.
MEMBERS IN ATTENDANCE
Jess Ausculture (erm, me.)
Ms Fits
Ukulele
SJX (subsidiary of Is This Thing Still Switched On? Inc)
Genny B
Fluffy
Sugar
Hotman (subsidiary of The Missing Ingredient Pty Ltd)
MEMBERS ABSENT FROM FIRST MEETING
Will Fop
Gabi from Les Bicycles de Ville
HONOURARY MEMBERS - SMS CONTINGENT
La Nadine
Although unable to contribute to tonight’s festivities, Chateaux de Ausculture (Melbourne Division) residents Housemate Born “Ted” Dancin’, Housemate Nat and Housemate Karen will no doubt have their two cents - or perhaps even more, should they be feeling particularly generous - included on future blog entries during the 2006 Big Brother series.
ONWARDS!
7.30pm - The opening credits begin. Genny B screams to no one in particular “I think I’m going to cry with joy. I AM GOING TO CRY!” and it’s a good indication of the feverish anticipation floating around in the room.
7:31pm - The show begins with snippets of various grinning goons (typical fans of the show, one supposes… oh… that’s depressing…) giving their feedback as to how they’d like to see ol’ Deep Throat (aka Big Brother himself) behave this year. “Big Brother should be mean.” spits out one appallingly goateed fellow. “Big Brother should be as cruel as he can be!” screams another vicious and sadistic lady. Indeed.
7:32pm - We see snippets of the new housemates interchanged with one-liners from last year’s show. Oooh, there’s some girl with a giant mole talking! ARGH! BRING IT THE FUCK ON!
7.33pm - Note to Big Brother: we prefer you mysterious and formless. Frankly, the silhouette of you talking into a microphone was far from flattering, merely accentuating your double chin and forcing viewers to question your authority due to your apparent physical repulsiveness. We’re a shallow audience but we’re the best one you’ve got, goddamn it. Call Jillian from The Biggest Loser or stick to being a disembodied voice.
7.34pm - HERE COMES GRETEL! And oh my, what is she wearing? Continuing last year’s tradition of sculpting her hair into a frightening beehive of secrets and knowledge, it is also immediately apparent that someone in wardrobe misheard the words “Dress Killeen in something suitable for a series launch, pronto!” with “dress Killeen in something suitable to work as a waiter at the International Clown Society Annual Awards Dinner, pronto!” A long-sleeved striped white shirt, a black vest and a ridiculous giant orange tie is not generally considered acceptable television host attire. Gretel begins her opening speech by informing us that this year there’s been “too much hype… too much carry on!” Oh Gretel, we love it when you get stern with the peeps behind the show. She explains the basic premise of the show and describes Big Brother as an “invisible” and “all powerful” but refuses to address the question on all our lips - who let him eat all the pies while the show was on a break?
According to Gretel, one of the chosen housemates will not be entering the house. She cannot tell us why. OH, THE MYSTERY! We do however now know that fifteen housemates will be entering this evening. In any case, let’s kill some time by watching a clip of the folk who auditioned for the show. There are the usual bunch of show offs and freaks, a strange man with the Big Brother logo tattooed onto his back (CLASSY!) and, no doubt for hilarity’s sake, we see our very own Gretel subjected to interrogation by a prim British woman and some bloke who appear to be rather powerful producer-y types. At this point, One Among Us Who Cannot Be Named For Legal Reasons yells out “That’s the cunt!” at Prim British Woman - yup. A member of the Melbourne Big Brother Society was all set to go into the house until they pulled out last minute. In any case, Prim British Woman is short and snarly towards Ms Killeen, and there is not a doubt in my mind she copped a punch in the throat from our feisty host once the cameras were switched off.
7.36pm - Back to the “live” show. Gretel asks if we’re ready to meet the new housemates and in unison, MBBS hollers “MOTHERFUCKING YES!” She breaks the news that this year, two of the contestants are “in a relationship” and we need to work out who they are. We love a challenge, Gretel! Bring it!
TO THE FIRST HOUSEMATE!
7.37pm - Meet Michael. He tells the nation in his pre-appearance clip that he’s single and pays his own rent. Erm, right. Thanks for sharing. He also wants to be a political strategist. Poltics, eh? While he’s grinning like a fool and trying to paint himself as a ladies man, he also rings his mother every single day. Awww. I just vomited into my mouth. Back to sex related stuff! He claims to be a swinger. According to Michael, people often tell him he’s “an arrogant, selfish pig”. So he’s a Liberal voter then. BOOM BOOM. He gets along with men better because every woman he meets, he wants to play kiss and catch with. Oh my lord, he really is a contender for Most Deserving Of A Kick In The Crotch this series and it’s eight minutes in. “I’m going to take Big Brother on” the cocky idiot declares. MBBS decide he will be out by week three at the latest.
The clip finishes and it’s time to welcome Michael to the stage. Gretel, smelling fresh meat, asks him to tell her his strategy for winning the prize money. He declines. “But I said you were good looking!” pleads Gretel in the desperate manner of a drunken middle-aged woman trying to pick up a stripper at a Manpower show. That kind of flirty malarkey might have worked with Saxon but it’s just not cutting the mustard… Disappointed, Gretel sends him forth to enter the Big Brother house and describes this journey as “traveling on Big Brother’s winged chariot…” At this point, let’s give a hearty welcome back to Gretel’s Scriptwriter - no imagery too lame! All appalling word play, half price!
7.40pm - Our old friend Steve the Cameraman gives us a tour of the new house. We see Astroturf, a pool with lilos and a rather schmick dining room created by a Freedom Furniture designer after an amphetamine binge. There is a giant knife and fork painted onto the doors of the dining room in case spastic bogans forget basic table manners and begin feasting with their hands, ye olde Medieval style. The kitchen looks rather ace. Steve the Cameraman enters the bedroom and Gretel declares “We adopted a dead cow theme for the bedrooms”. Charming. We hit the most important room in the house (for those of us pervematically inclined) - the bathroom. Rubber ducks are lined up along the shower walls, and there’s a goddamn massage chair in there. This should be interesting. The lounge room is rather amazing in a “turn the colours up to eleven” sort of way, and the much talked about Punishment Room can be viewed from there. At this point, Gen yells “It’s the best house so far!” and then turns to me asking “Are you getting all my thoughts down? Are you live blogging this? TALK ABOUT ME, FOR FUCKS!” Yes, m’aam. There’s a great gym set up outside and a decent barbeque area. Gretel points out a “secret room” to the side of the yard. Once again, there’s a spa in the house although Ms Fits notes that this year they’ve decided to provide decking around it to prevent drunken randy housemates slipping over continuously during particularly frenetic pashing sessions. Those in charge of Occupation Health & Safety at Southern Star Endomol? We salute you.
7.43pm - We see Michael go into the house. He begins to wander around, playing up to the cameras and doing that irritating thing the more prominent show ponies in the show tend to do - talk aloud to themselves for the audience’s benefit. Kill me now.
And now an ad break, during which there is a brief discussion on the genius that is Daniel Kitson. You don’t want to know? Fine. Be like that. I just thought you might care to know what was going on. CLEARLY I ASSUMED WE WERE CLOSER THAN WE REALLY ARE. It won’t happen again.
7.47pm - And we’re back. Gretel introduces a new girl. Her name is Camilla and she claims to wear her heart on her sleeve. She also tells us she’s gullible. She’s a bit spunky and the MBBS have high hopes for her being Sapphically inclined. Camilla tells us she grew up in South Africa and is apparently “very loud”. She then adds tenderly that her dad often says “Shut that cave in your face!” to her. What a beautiful bond between father and daughter, I am indeed wracked with jealousy. Spilling her guts for us, she says she’s “never in one place for more than ten minutes” and keeps her ponytail in a Tupperware container. I see. Camilla then adds that she cheats on all her partners and MBBS can’t help but note the lack of gender specifics in that sentence.
WELCOME ONSTAGE, CAMILLA! She tells Gretel that she doesn’t think she’ll walk away with the prize money but never mind - she’s still managed to win the race to be the first to use the phrase “I’m here for the experience”. To the house with you, adorably insincere potential-Ellen!
7.50pm - Gretel advises us to get ready to meet a surfing soccer loving exotic dancer. Mr Blonde Beefcake looks seductively into the camera and purrs that he models himself on Adonis. AND THEN WE DISCOVER HIS NAME IS GAELAN! GAELAN! It’s a beautiful name and I’ll not have anyone mocking it, thank you very much. Hotman immediately points out that Gaylord looks remarkably similar to Scott “Brad Willis” Michaelson. Despite his buffed and tan body, Ms Fits also correctly points out that “he’s got a Christie Paddle Pop face!” Touche, dear heart. He continues to make facial expressions that one assumes are meant to be sultry and saucy but instead look like someone’s pulling out his pubes one by one just out of shot. He is beginning to make me feel ill and also ends a few sentences with “… ay?” Let’s get him onstage!
Gaylord walks towards Gretel and she opens with the pearler “You look a bit gay, are you?” Oh sweet Jesus. She didn’t just say that… did she? He replies “Everyone’s ride that joke since I was a kid” and Gretel attempts an awkward back peddle. “I thought your walk…” and trails off. Intriguing. I wasn’t aware of Gretel’s familiarity with the post-anal cowboy strut. Perhaps Saxon’s good-natured matesy wank-fests have gotten past hiding behind pillows and he and his chums have gone a little Brokeback? Take your fruity penguin walk to the house, Captain Fisted, and stop making Gretel look like a fool.
7.53pm - We see footage of Camilla wandering into the house waiting room where she meets Michael. She seems affable towards Michael but not attracted to him by any means. This could just prove that she too can tell he’s a cocktard from first contact but fingers crossed it also means SHE’S TOTALLY A MEMBER OF THE ANI DIFRANCO FAN CLUB.
7.54pm - Australia? We’d like to introduce you to Katie, a nineteen-year-old promo model. While she looks like one of the lovely ladies who work at Hosies (and I won’t hear a word against those gals, what with the club’s owner Greg taking a shining to me the other night and offering me a free trucker cap), her answer to the question “What do you want to do before you die?” is “Have sex”. IS SHE A VIRGIN? Hmmm. Well, you know what they say about books and covers and all that jazz… I can’t explain why but for some reason, the MBBS are united in their deep love of Katie, her self-proclaimed chicken binging and all her blonde bimbo glory.
She hits the stage and her hair is rivaling Gretel’s, an amazing feat in itself. If I’m not mistaken, Gretel’s hair actually deflates a little. Big ups to Katie and her alpha-hive. Did she just.. yes, I think she did! I THINK SHE JUST CONFIRMED SHE’S A VIRGIN! God we love her.
7.56pm - Gaelan enters the house. Michael strides over and thrusts out a hand accompanied by a deeply masculine voice saying “… Mikey.” Mikey? You’re trying to alpha-male it already and you’re going with Mikey? I mean, Mikey’s a cute name, don’t get me wrong, but… Gaelan, “Mikey” and Camilla hang out.
8.01pm - A yummy mummy is about to come into the house, proclaims Gretel upon our return from an ad break. Meet Karen, a thirty-six year old hippy mum\postal worker. She’s a MILF indeed. Judging from her introduction package, Karen is keen on painting, flowing dresses and swinging from trees in slow motion. She “hates authority”, not to mention “womanisers and racists”. While I’m personally a big supporter of womanisers, racists and yes - wife beaters - I respect her for her stance. She looks at the camera and confides “There’ll probably be some hot bodies showering next to me, and I say… Bring it on!” Randy thirty-something, coming through!
Karen arrives on stage. Poor Gretel - not only has Katie stolen her hair-thunder, but Karen has decided to cash in on the whole long-white-sleeved-shirt-with-black-vest-hospitality-staff look. She tells Gretel that she wants to win and the show is also “a journey for me!” I rather like her.
8.03pm - Ms Fits comes up with a theory. Karen, being thirty-six, is certainly old enough to be the mother of any eighteen or nineteen year old housemates. Despite Gretel and Big Brother constantly calling her a “yummy mummy”, there was no sign of any kiddies in the pre-show clip - unlike, fans may remember, the pre-show clips of Catherine from Big Brother 4 - the only other mother to appear on Big Brother. The MBBS heartily concur and Ms Fits is promptly and rightfully declared a genius by all and sundry.
8.04pm - Katie enters the house and if you look closely, you can almost see Michael’s pants stiffen slightly.
8.05pm - HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT. Alright, readers - here’s an insight. Those seven “HOT“‘s were the only notes I took when David the Farmer appeared on the screen. He has sent the ladies amongst us into a hormonal frenzy with a flash of his smile, and when we see footage of him galloping across a field on a horse, Mills & Boon style, well - it’s all over. Cigarettes are needed. “I wanna be your horse” sighs Genny B whilst Ms Fits simply paws at the television screen in a loving way. In short, David is Glenn from last year’s show with an unbattered head. The words “organic farmer” merely spur on our feelings of love for the man - it means he may not vote Howard, which as we all know is a prerequisite for our Big Brother support. Suck it, conservatives.
David arrives on stage and Gretel is positively in heat. Unlike last year’s flirtation with Hotdogs, we can’t blame her. We’ll all take turns in giving him the love of a good woman, Gretel. We can share. As long as we just get to touch him, even once…
8.07pm - Yummy mummy Karen enters the house. I note at this point that the contestants aren’t as hideously show off-y when they meet each other as last year’s group were, which is a relief. Michael’s still a Dean-esque wanker though.
8.12pm - Gretel tells the nation that there’ll be a vote at some point tonight. WHAT COULD THIS MEAN? ARE WE GOING TO VOTE TO KEEP SOMEONE OUT OF THE HOUSE? OH LORD I CAN’T TAKE THIS AND ALSO, I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! PLAY ME LIKE A FIDDLE, BIG BROTHER\LEGION INTERACTIVE!
8.13pm - Hey Tilli! Jo from The Facts of Life called and she says she wants her haircut back! Yes, here’s another housemate - a nineteen-year-old student named Tilli who coyly confides to the camera that there’s “one word to describe me… infectious!” to which Genny B responds “That’s a disease!”. Touche. Tilli goes on to say she hates country people and MBBS simultaneously shout at the telly “GET FUCKED!” Listen, Manshoulders - country people can make or break you on this show. You’ve just fucked up your chances royally.
Tilli arrives on stage in a rather peculiar dress which only Ms Fits can muster up support for. Gretel asks her “can you win?” and Tilli replies “Hell yeah - why not?” Oh, I don’t know, you daft bint. Perhaps because you suck and just alienated all the folk from the bush? Tilli is picked as a second week evictee by the MBBS. Tilli is, in my humble opinion, this year’s Geneva - she occasionally looks quite attractive but also occasionally quite hideous. Here’s hoping she also has an element of Geneva’s crazy-eyed jealousy about her too.
8.16pm - SWOON! David enters the house. Karen holds back a bit and waits a while before introducing herself - a sure sign she’s keen. The MBBS would quite like to see Karen and David hook up. Until he leaves the house and we run off to the country and go at it like rabbits.
8.17pm - We are introduced to Dino, who arrived as a refugee from Bosnia fourteen years ago. He’s a uni student and for some reason, I like him. He says he’ll be the CLOWN, the INSTIGATOR and the CRITIC. Yawn. He sounds dangerously Nelson-esque but I’m a bit hot for him as well so I’ll let it got.
He arrives on stage and meets Gretel. She tells us that Dino went into lock down with his mum so she could cook for him and Dino adds “Yeah, and other reasons.”. Good lord. I didn’t catch whether he was from Tassie or not and I don’t think I want to know. Dino has never lived with women (other than his mother) and this will be interesting, blah blah blah FAST FOWARD PLEASE.
8.19pm - Tilli goes into the house. Farmers across the nation warm up their texting fingers and practice pressing T-I-L-L-I on their keypads, followed by 1-9-1-0-1-0.
8.21pm - “I hate over opinionated people, I hate arty crap” says John, a nineteen year old media student. He does however like sport. Lee declares that John is this year’s Carlo. Here’s hoping for the sake of kitchen hygiene that he’s circumcised. John shows us a bit of fire twirling and the MBBS decide that we don’t like him all that much. He arrives on stage and tries to joke around with Gretel. He completely sucks nuts, which means he’s only marginally funnier than Wil Anderson.
8.25pm - Dino enters the house and for a second, forgetting our already agreed upon theory about Karen being the mother of a housemate, I wonder whether he’s Tilli’s brother. After all, Big Brother has repeatedly used the term “relationship” to describe the connection between two of this year’s housemates which is meant to make us THINK there’ll be a couple in there. Twists being the essence of reality television, this would indicate it’s more likely to be a familial relationship rather than a romantic one. Once again, “Mikey” leaps forward to shake hands with Dino first and further cement his claim to Alpha Male status.
Let us now take a moment to do our annual “WHERE THE FUCK IS CARMEL THE PSYCHOLOGIST?” bit. And there you have it. Carry on, shall we?
8.26pm - Our newest housemate says she’s a “psycho bitch, bimbo and a show pony” And it’s YET ANOTHER PROMO MODEL. Mummy, I’m frightened and weary. Folks, let’s meet Anna who tells us “I use my looks to get want I want all the time” and then adds “I always get what I want”. You vapid twat. “I’m the dumpee, not the dumper” she moans to the nation, and we in response reply “Die please, you whore”.
She hits the Dreamworld stage and begins talking to Gretel, her magnificent rack precariously close to being fully revealed to the entire country as she’s decided to don a frock reminiscent of J.Lo’s infamous Versace number. Hotman slyly announces “I like her dress” in a sleazy way and the MBBS dissolve into childish giggles. We also decide we VERY MUCH DISLIKE ANNA. “I’m a lovable kind of girl” she brags to Gretel and the audience, preening for the camera, and we realise that she is this year’s Christie except, you know, rather attractive. She then adds “I’m a good girl” in a baby voice and the audience responds with stony silence. Excellent. It is apparent that everyone - Gretel included - loathes her on sight. She leaves the stage for the walk up the plank to the car waiting to chauffeur her to the Big Brother house and AND HER BOOB FALLS OUT OF HER DRESS! HAHAHAHAHAHA BRILLIANT AND CLASSY TELEVISION.
8.31pm - Carlo Jr enters the house. Meh.
8.32pm - Ashley, a young bricklayer with furious looking eyebrows, appears on the screen. He claims to be well rounded and “loves purr of engines”, not to mention ten pin bowling. “It’s a passion of mine” he tells us, unashamedly laying the foundation for an endorsement deal with AMF upon eviction from the house. “I’m willing to do anything I can to win BULK MONEY” he adds. BULK MONEY is a phrase you can expect to see appearing around these parts a lot from now on.
Gretel greets Ashley and introduces him to the crowd. She points out someone in the crowd who is whooping supportively and Ashley announces “That’s my mate. He knows it.” followed by much idiotic nodding. Hmmm. We’re glad he, erm, knows he’s your mate. Indeed. He then responds to some bland question of Gretel’s with “You just know it, that’s it.” and it’s apparent Ashley is all about knowledge. He knows it. That’s it. Yeah. He knows it. He begins the walk up the plank to the waiting vehicle and the MBBS marvel at his new sneakers and board shorts, undoubtedly purchased especially for tonight. That’s class right there, oh yeah. You know it. That’s it. FIYA!
8.34pm - Anna enters the waiting room and David (DROOL) dissolves into giggles immediately upon spying the teetering tits which are threatening to escape the confines of Anna’s gown at any moment. God we love David.
8.39pm - A young lass named Elise hits the telly screen. She tells the camera that she drinks Guinness and eats meat pies, which endears her to us. Then she adds “I’m going to out drink the boys and out dress the girls”, winks in a whore-ish fashion at the camera, and we like her a bit less. She’s studying finance but taking a semester off to go on the show. “Giant forehead.” solemnly announces the previously silent SJX. Will Fop later texts me saying “Marvel at her giant forehead of death!” which goes to show that forehead sizes are apparently important to Big Brother viewers. I self-consciously begin fondling my own forehead but am forced to stop in order to continue taking notes on tonight’s launch like an over-eager mature age student during a lecture. PLEASE ADMIRE ME FOR MY DEDICATION.
8.42pm - Ashley enters the house. My first instinct is that Katie will go nuts for him, and she does - god I love the bumbling flirting that occurs during the early weeks of the show! Ms Fits and I take a moment to admire Katie’s high Spice Girls-esque boot heels. I hope you did the same.
8.43pm - “No drink, no drugs, no lovin’…” are the words with which we meet the next housemate for 2006. Claire is into netball and has studied wildlife reproduction, which could prove wildly appropriate considering what she potentially faces over the next few weeks in the house. “Guys get intimidated by my intelligence, women by my looks” she arrogantly mutters, and I start to wonder who in the Big Brother production team continues to pull these housemates aside right before the filming of their pre-show introduction clip and says “Here’s a tip - try to sound as cunty and unlikable as possible! TRUST ME!”. Moving on… Claire is a vegetarian but says she “would eat a steak for a million dollars.” She follows this on with the gem of a line “I have a personality the public will love!” ARGH! WILL YOU STOP BEING SUCH A SPANKSTAIN PLEASE?! I think she might be this year’s Kate. Her conversation on stage with Gretel consists of her responding to queries with bland sentiments like “I really do, certainly….” and “Yes, certainly, I really do…” NEW HOUSEMATE PLEASE.
8.45pm - At this point in the evening, Ms Fits - buoyed by the enthusiastic reaction to her previous Yummy Mummy\Daughter idea - takes a moment to broach what we decide to dub The Angelina Jolie Theory. She wonders whether Karen ADOPTED Elise many moons ago. We are about to delve in and debate this theory more deeply when, at…
8.46pm - … WE MEET KRYSTAL AND HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD, KRYSTAL IS SO SO SO DEFINITELY KAREN’S DAUGHTER! The MBBS begin texting all and sundry our theory, just to prove we’re not making it up after the fact to sound like clever dicks. So listen up, naysayers! Ask Will Fop and Nads, they’ll back us up! We take a moment to appreciate Krystal’s rack, and before we know it the clip is over and Krystal’s arrived on stage. DAUGHTER! DAUGHTER! WE’VE MOTHERCHUCKING PICKED IT! Surprisingly (considering how raunchily she was decked out in the pre-show package) she’s dressed rather demurely for the stage. MBBS declare that we hope both Karen and Krystal will vie for David’s affections, which would prove to be ESSENTIAL viewing. We must keep an eye on Karen’s reaction to Krystal entering the waiting room to see if we’re right.
8.53pm - We see some footage of this year’s housemates talking about what sort of animal they’d be. I miss most of them although we are charmed by Katie admitting she’d be a seagull as they’re scabby, white and live by the beach. She’s like Ashalea, but less punchable.
8.54pm - The next housemate admits to walking in front of security cameras to check himself out. Bullet. Head. Now. He then goes on to call his charm “inexplainable” which is without a doubt 2006’s “confliction”. His name is Jamie and he thinks he’ll “make THE perfect C-grade celebrity.” At least he’s being honest with himself. SJX pipes up with “What a DICKHEAD.” and we’re forced to agree. It would be cruel to say he resembles Patrick Swayze after a horrific accident, so I’ll simply compliment him on his fine physique, especially his chest that one can observe quite nicely in his t-shirt… which has the word “Tuesday” on it. Please tell me he’s not so mentally impaired as to require the days of the week to be written on his clothing? Genny B looks around the room, shrugs and says “I’d hit it”. Shudder.
He greets Gretel on stage and is wearing a singlet that says Sunday. Clearly he is incredibly stupid - or rather clever and he’s planned some sort of MLS-ish tshirt sales plan with his mates. For no particular reason whatsoever, SJX does a 180 degree turn and has now decided that Jamie is amazing. Meanwhile, the rest of us are inclined to think Jamie is this year’s Hotdogs.
8.57pm - Krystal enters the house. We wait, holding our breath to witness Karen’s reaction………… OH MY GOD THEY ARE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER, WE CAN TELL YES WE CAN YES WE CAN! “Potentially best house evs!” squeals Ms Fits excitedly. Damn straight!
8.58pm - Jamie enters the waiting room which means all the housemates are now ready to rock and roll. He and Ashley shake hands.
“I’m Ashley”
“NOOOOOOO WAAAAAY!”
Brains trust alert.
9.03pm - We now see Gretel in the new digital control room. Gretel reminds viewers once again that two people in the house are in a relationship. Have we worked it out, she asks politely? YOU BET YOUR GODDAMN ARSE WE HAVE!
9.04pm - Big Brother’s voice booms in the waiting room - “Housemates - you may now enter the house”. Naturally they run eagerly from room to room, exploring and continuing the obligatory getting-to-know-you business. Karen and Krystal are quite obviously not spending anytime together which merely confirms our suspicions, David and The Zookeeper are bonding and I switch into Sigourney Weaver mode. GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM YOU BITCH! My phone rings and it’s my beloved Will Fop. He is thrilled with the launch show and thinks this is the best lot of housemates in years, and also… David is The Gay. Having received a text message from the busty La Nadine not fifteen minutes earlier saying the same thing, I begin to wonder. BUT NO! NO! DAVID AND I ARE MEANT TO BE!
Ashley wanders through the kitchen and helpfully points at stuff and says “I used to sell that at Kmart”. Genius.
Katie to the other girls - “I think the country guy’s alright”
Ms Fits, screaming at the television - “GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM YOU SLUT”
The fight for David’s affections is going to be a bloody one, both in and out of the house.
9.08pm - Please get off my screen, Tilli. I think I hear Mrs Garrett calling! BETTER LEAVE THE ROOM RIGHT NOW!
9.09pm Krystal and Michael scope the bathroom together and out of nowhere, he tries to force her into the sauna. Smooth move - nothing the ladies like more than a romantic date rape on national television. NICE ONE CUNTEYES.
Random one line thoughts at this point.
Katie is fabulous.
Michael is a cock.
David is not a gay and I want to marry him please.
9.11pm - Back to Gretel in the studio. She promises to tell us about the secret relationship quite shortly… and adds that it involves Krystal. WE KNOW! WE KNOW!
9.15pm - After a quick ad break, Gretel returns to talking more about the relationship.. and yes, we were right! Karen is Krystal’s mother! Well done, Ms Fits - nicely bloody done. We go back to footage from the house and see Krystal telling the girls about the boob job she got eight weeks ago. Karen then wanders over and says something like “Oh, have you got a boob job too? When did you get yours done?” and they marvel over the fact they both inflated their racks eight weeks ago. Fools! That’s far too much of a coincidence! Just stay away from each other or you’ll be sprung and up for eviction the first week.
I know many of you may think “Hello! This is Big Brother, the housemates are always far too borderline retarded to piece clues together and suss out something like that” but remember - it was fucking GLENN THE SHEARER who figured out the Logan Twin secret last year, so anything can happen.
We are then taken into the Diary Room where all the housemates are gathered to talk to Big Brother, who is explaining the rules (including “don’t interrupt Big Brother while he is talking” and “Big Brother can only be referred to as Big Brother”) in a truly stern and harsh manner. Ashley then decides to be a smart arse and is immediately fined five thousand dollars from the prize money and five bucks from the shopping fund. WE LOVE YOU, STRICT AND NASTY BIG BROTHER! He continues laying down the law… and at this point Jamie decides it’d be a good idea to be the first to use the line “older male sibling” when describing Big Brother. ARE YOU A SPAZZ, MAN? HE SAID ONLY REFER TO HIM AS BIG BROTHER! Cue a five thousand dollars\five dollar combo fine a la Ashley’s aforementioned punishment.
Can Jamie out-cock himself? Oh, you bet he can.
Big Brother goes to continue talking and Jamie mouths the word “FUCK” to another housemate. BAM! Yet another $5K\$5 fine. This is brilliant. Fine the fuckers, Big Brother! Take no prisoners, or if you do - leave them naked in the punishment room with electrodes on their genitals! No wait, that’s a little too Abu Grahib I suppose. Best leave that sort of hijinx to the military.
9.26pm - We return to the magnificent Gretel, who makes a comment about Big Brother’s nasty turn. It seems he wants an insider, or - as the kids say - “a mole”. From what I’ve seen tonight, there are quite a few moles to choose from. Apparently Big Brother has picked the three housemates who have indicated they’ll do anything to win and we, the audience, need to pick which one we’d like to see work as the insider. If they refuse the offer, they’re up for eviction.
We are left to choose between David, Camilla and Michael. Go in peace to love and serve the Big Brother Gods.
And so there you have it. A fiendishly long wrap up of tonight’s show - I do apologise for length (insert gag here) but the opening night wrap is always long and exhausting and I’m just glad it’s now out of the way. Hope you enjoyed this evening’s brilliance as much as the MBBS and myself did, and stick around if you’d like to catch our (much shorter and snappier) thoughts about the show over the next few months.
No separate Big Brother blog as yet, but I’ll be working on it Monday and will advise of link addresses and the like soon after. In the meantime, continue coming to the main blog to get your ausculture.com Big Brother blogging.
Over and out, motherchuckers x
PS: You must text “Camilla” to 191010. You see, David is too lovely and nice and AMAZING and being the mole would ruin him. Michael is a fucklord of epic proportions and will be loathed regardless, so Camilla is our best bet for an interesting but disposable insider.
PPS: What does it say about this country when, in just three seasons, there have been TWO GIRLS CALLED ‘KRYSTAL’ WITH A ‘K’ IN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE?
PPPS: Sorry about the wait and lack of pictures - I’ll make it pretty and visually stimulating soon. I am in some bizarre looking internet cafe which is white and pristine enough to perform surgery in and yet DOESN’T APPEAR TO HAVE WORKABLE COMPUTERS. I am going to snap if I don’t get wireless sorted soon. SNAP I TELLS YOU.
Posted by Jess at 11:56 AM Link | Comments (18) | TrackBack (0)It Is Done.
Yes, the HUGE AND MASSIVE AND ETC Big Brother launch wrap up is finished… and for some reason the home computer which has the dial-up access isn’t accepting the goddamn disk so I can’t put it online for you yet.
Because I am devoted and have a deep desire to earn your love, I will walk to the library tomorrow and use the internerd there. May god have mercy on my geeky reality show watching soul.
Expect it up around 9.30am, office workers of the nation!
Posted by Jess at 1:16 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)April 23, 2006
A Short Note About Tonight’s Big Brother Blogging
Greetings, assorted spunkrats!
I know I’ve claimed to be “live blogging” the Big Brother launch tonight but I’ve suddenly realised that there may not be internet access available at the party for me to fulfil my promise to you all.
Therefore, if the show starts and you’ve spotted nothing on ausculture.com after twenty minutes or so, assume that the FULL EXCITING REPORT will be going up later on in the evening or tomorrow morning.
Also - I haven’t worked out how to set up the new Big Brother mini-site so for the time being all Big Brother related posts will be living happily on the main blog page (which is, as I’m sure you’re already aware as you’re reading this right now, http://www.ausculture.com/blog).
See you in a little while.
PS: HUZZAH, THE DEES FINALLY WON A MATCH! And since it’s the first game of theirs I’ve actually watched this year, I claim full responsibility for the victory. Finally, I can hold my head up as I walk the streets of North Fitzroy donning my attractive Demons scarf.
Posted by Jess at 5:03 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)April 19, 2006
OH MY GOD THEY’VE HAD THE BABY!
We’re momentarily breaking our pre-Big Brother launch show silence to announce that TOM CRUISE AND KATIE “SLOW AND UNDERSTANDABLE” HOLMES HAVE HAD THEIR MOTHERCHUCKING BABY!
They’ve named it Suri, saying in a statement that ‘the name Suri has it origins in Hebrew, meaning “princess,” or in Persian, meaning “red rose,”’ but the explosive CLEMBASTOW is convinced Suri has something to do with thetans. I thought it was an Icelandic name but whatevs.
The important thing is Mia Hewitt finally has a suitable showbiz playmate.
In celebration of little Suri Holmes-Cruise-A Court’s birth, Clem and I will be playing NOTHING but songs with the word “baby” in the title tonight on Triple R 102.7 (12am til 2am). You’ve been warned.
PS: We really must start avoiding shouty post-titles soon.
Posted by Jess at 9:11 AM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)April 18, 2006
IT’S COMING! BIG BROTHER IS COMING!
Oh lord.
I’m so sorry to continue blathering on about this topic, especially since gaining even a brief moment of time to use the internet involves me doing rather unspeakable things to the infamous Magical World Wide Web Genie (don’t ask), but bugger it.
The Special Big Brother Mini-blog is still going to happen - swears - but until I get myself a few hours to sit down and nut it out, initial posting may be done on the normal part of the site. I’ll let you know.
ON THE UPSIDE.
There will be live blogging of the kick-off on Sunday night. I will be attending an opening night par-tay where many fine people will no doubt be swanning about and dropping devastatingly clever bon mots around with gay abandon - and I plan on stealing every single one of their brilliant and razor-sharp barbs and using them on here so you all find me smart and adorable.
OH BUT REALLY, JESS - WHAT KIND OF MORON CHOOSES TO WATCH BIG BROTHER?
Are you some kind of BLEEDING FOOL? Where else can you watch foul-mouthed permatanned bogans from Queensland trying to feel each other up and brutally assaulting the English language as they attempt to sound intelligent and knowledgable?
ERM, HOW ABOUT ANY CRINGEY BAR IN THE CITY ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?
Shut it, smart mouth.
Sure, the kids who enter the Big Brother house are generally fame-obsessed morons with ego to burn. But try as they might to remember they’re being watched by the country around the clock, they always - ALWAYS - end up dropping their guard and revealing the true selves they’ve been desperately trying to hide in the vain hope of getting a career in showbiz after the series has wrapped.
From time to time, we as a nation have unexpectedly stumbled across housemates who are admirable and endearing folk with hearts of gold. As a general rule though, the house tends to overflow with ignorant back-stabbing toothbrush shagging venereal-diseases-with-legs who love to get drunk, naked and then fondle each other…
… AND THAT’S THE SORT OF INSANELY GOOD TELEVISION THIS WEBSITE WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT.
In any case, ausculture.com will be back full force on Sunday night. Until then, get your Big Brother fix by following the twists and turns of Nigerian Big Brother. I was rooting for Yinka but he appears to have been evicted. CARN EBUKA!
Ebuka is also very proud of his father who he says, ‘served Nigeria for 35 years without a single blemish’.
Right on, my friend. That sort of devotion to the important issue of skin care deserves respect - not just from Nigeria but from everyone around the world.
PS: I know we’ve said nothing about it here but THE BIGGEST LOSER IS GENIUS! GENIUS I TELL YOU! I am obsessed with Jillian. In fact, I’ve begun to think that if I could somehow get JIllian from The Biggest Loser and Jo from Supernanny to become my friends, I’d really get my life in order. Frankly, I need Jillian’s firm-but-loving discipline, and a Supernanny-esque “Naughty Point” is long overdue in my life. It’s just not the same when you scrape a faint-looking arrow on your wall with the burnt tobacco corpses in your ashtray and then sit underneath it for ten minutes when you’re drunk, is it?
Posted by Jess at 8:59 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)April 14, 2006
Just Popping By…
Hey kids!
Still yet to get the internerd working in The Barn (TM) so apologies for my absence.
BUT.
Are we all pumped for the new season of Big Brother? April 23rd, my friends! THAT’S NOT VERY FAR AWAY.
As we do every year, ausculture.com will spreading lies and insulting housemates in our Special Big Brother Blog. Fingers crossed Patrick Ausculture III reads this, recalls just how spazzy I am when it comes to making with the technological stuff, and he’ll magically create the new blog for me so all I need to do is waltz in and begin banging out the half-arsed posts.
PS: Moses Martin. All together now - awwwwwwwwwww.
Posted by Jess at 6:56 PM Link | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)April 3, 2006
Ausculture’s Melbourne HQ Has Moved
Much thanks to the lovely Dan who offered to lend me a van, but as fate would have it, I turned up to Peter Glutbusters’ birthday\housewarming shindig on Friday night and The World’s Nicest Man (TM) offered up his adorable Kombi for use on the Saturday morning without any prompting at all! I would marry him to say thanks except I am also head over heels for his beautiful lady The Redhead so I think I’ll just have to take ‘em both out to breakfast when my finances are a little more sorted.
More thanks goes to Ukulele who wrangled that motherchucking van like a demon through the streets of Fitzroy and helped me carry heavy stuff like tables and beds up and down various sets of stairs, and Fluffy - ever the lifesaver - who joined me after she finished work to help lug smaller stuff to the new abode in her car.
Cheers to everyone who emailed and called offering to help. You rule.
New Ausculture Melbourne HQ’s (aka The Barn) currently without net access so posting will be sporadic for a short while but soon, my pretties, soon things will be back to normal.
Finally - and this’ll be the only time I mention it here - CLEMBASTOW and I have a weekly radio show starting on 102.7 from this Wednesday* late, late in the evening. It’s called I’d Rather Jack and it kicks off 12am and goes till 2am. We’ll be rambunctious and daft, play songs not normally heard on RRR (Girls Aloud, anyone?) and dedicate the second hour of the show to counting down Top Tens. We’ll no doubt discuss various pop culture related things in between.
The show’s blog is here and you can add us on MySpace by heading here.
And now to cue up my usual finish to these sorts of posts…
NORMAL PROGRAMMING TO RESUME SHORTLY.
*Alright. Technically it starts Thursday. You pedants!
Posted by Jess at 5:20 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)March 31, 2006
Random Friday Thoughts (Non-Showbiz Addition)
Okay, so I should warn you that the following is pointless and total blog-filler - NOTHING NEW FOR AUSCULTURE, HAR HAR HAR! It’s been an interesting (and by that, I mean fucking stressful) week for me and mine. But there have been highlights. Here are some nice things I appreciated in between dodging the festering lumps of poo being flung in my direction by The Gods.
The bike! I am STILL all about riding it. It was pleasant weather and I was listening to Mia Dyson. Yes, I know one shouldn’t be “listening” to anything with headphones whilst riding their bike but I was very careful, and only hit by one bus. A small one. I think the driver was texting someone on his mobile at the time so it was totally not my fault.
Thursday Morning Breakfast Club. I thoroughly recommend creating a lame-but-adorable club of your very own. Dangerous Dave and I meet for a delicious morning meal once a week, and over it we discuss music, politics and shamelessly gossip about mutual friends. It’s ace. I have fallen in love with the concept of starting assorted groups. So far there haven’t been many people putting their hands up and screaming “Let me join The Sunday Arvo Picnic Posse!” or “Wednesday Night Yahtzee Society? COUNT ME IN!” but it’s just a matter of time. Speaking of clubs…
Ukulele, god fucking love her, has founded Thursday Night Basketball Club aka The Secret Life Of Carlton Gardens. Two social commitments on one day may seem a lot but somehow I managed to pull it off. Last night was the first get together. I wish I could say I kicked some booty but I was late and chose instead to lie on the ground with other chums, smoke cigarettes and yell out encouraging things like “ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THAT? PUNCH HIM IN THE COCK!” when the game got heated. In short - start your own sweetly daft clubs, whydoncha? I hear membership to the Jess Is Such A Fucking Idiot Society is cheap and well worth it. You get a badge and everything.
Maggi Two Minute Noodles! I swear to God, I’m not being paid to say this. It’s just… oh god. Could. Not. Love. Them. More.
Finally, I made myself a pleasant little iTunes mix to listen to at home. I called the playlist “Quiet Time” and pressed play whenever I wanted a soundtrack to my quiet weeping as I curled up on the floor.
Just Like A Woman - Bob Dylan
The Flood In Your Old Town - Candy Bars
The Predatory Wasp Of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us - Sufjan Stevens
Wade In The Water - Eva Cassidy
Bring It On Home To Me - The Animals
My Heart, Your Heart - The Bites
Good Woman - Cat Power
I See You, You See Me - The Magic Numbers
Driving Me Mad - Neil Finn
Shark Fin Blues - The Drones
Oh Well - Fiona Apple
I move this weekend - INTO A BARN! Anyone in Melbourne got a spare truck and time to kill on Saturday morning? I am only slightly joking about this.
PS: I recently discovered the word “catawampus”. I use “awry” far too often in general conversation so this will make a welcome addition to my vernacular. And check this!
… the form catawampus has been influenced by folk etymology and is found in many often widely differing forms. The Dictionary of American Regional English explicitly mentions caliwampus, cankywampus, and cattywampus “and many other variants”; their citations include kittywampus, catawhobbled, cattywampered, cankywampus, and the like.
Catawampus\kittywampus\cankywampus\catawhobbled\cattywampered rules. Expect to see it pop up a LOT in blog posts around these parts.
Posted by Jess at 3:06 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)A Very Public Thank You.
On Wednesday I lost my phone. This sucked for many reasons, including;
- It’s the only way I can contact my mum back in Sydney (no home phone, you see).
- I live for the exchanging of ridiculous and hilarious text messages.
- It contained photos, video clips, etc. Including footage taken last Friday night of GennyB tearing up the dance floor with her Peaches dance. It can’t be adequately described in mere words but it is amazing and raunchy.
- It is extremely unlikely I’ll ever receive another text message from Lefty Tim.
- I have no fucking money and spent the better half of Tuesday evening applying for about twenty “second jobs”, listing - you guessed it - my mobile as my best point of contact.
I emailed my friends and family to share the latest tale of my idiocy and let them know I’d be only contactable via email for the foreseeable future.
A few hours later, the explosive CLEMBASTOW informed me that there had been a secret “whip around” and my favourite Melbourne buddies (and one or two busty interstaters) had collected enough money to buy me a replacement.
And so today I have in my hot little hands a brand spanking new mobile phone.
To everyone* who threw some bucks into the hat to help me out - I cannot thank you enough. You are, as the saying goes, good people. I will touch you all inappropriately when we next see each other. I’d probably have done it anyways but now you’ll be able to see even more gratitude in my big hazel eyes.
FOR EVERYONE ELSE!
There are folk I wasn’t able to get in touch with via email who read this here blog, so if I had your digits and you haven’t heard from me - or hell, if you just want me to have your number so I can get drunk and prank call you as I am wont to do from time to time - could you please email your personal (AND SAUCY) details to jessisagimp at gmail.com.
*These are the same people who, upon my arrival in Melbourne carrying nought but a few bits of clothing, some books and a guitar, spent the next week or two popping around with chairs, towels, coffee pots, woks, cutlery, pans, pillows and anything else they stumbled across and thought I could use. They shout me dinners and breakfasts, cups of coffee and cigarettes and they never, ever make me feel bad about being such a lost cause. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it but I will repay each and every one of you in some way or another. It may be sexual. Deal.
Posted by Jess at 2:41 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)March 29, 2006
IS KATIE HAVING THE BABY?!
The spawn of Katie Holmes and L Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm Tom Cruise could be due any day now, judging from the sign apparently being placed on the front gates of Chez TomKat.
For those of you unable to read the sign due to having poked your eyes out after watching Battlefield Earth*, the poster says…
… but be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable
Remember kids, Scientologists like their women to birth future earners in complete silence - presumably so they don’t scream out “FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING VITAMINS, I WANT SOME MOTHERFUCKING DRUGS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!” during labour.
More puzzling is the “make all physical movements slow and understandable” bit. What is a slow and understandable physical movement, Tom?
If I did this, would it qualify?
You just let me know. I’m eager to learn all I can about your “religion”.
(Via Pink Is The New Blog and this messageboard)
*Curious. You claim to be unable to read the sign but somehow, as if by magic, you’re able to view and understand this blog-post? You fraud! ARE YOU CLAIMING DISABILITY, YOU SHAMELESS BLUDGER? YOU MAKE ME SICK!
SLIGHT UPDATE - after continuing to read the linked messageboard thread, it would seem that the posters were not for the front gate (ie: advising visitors to the compound as to what behaviour was expected of them) but rather posters being delivered for the room Katie will be having the baby in. They’re for her benefit, just so she doesn’t forget the CRACK POT RULES of her new following whilst in stirrups and enjoying some extreme birthing pain.
Push, Katie! Push slow and understandably!
Posted by Jess at 12:09 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)March 28, 2006
Fez Makes The Sex With Young Hollywood Starlets.
And with his eight inch doodle, no less!
Yes, it seems That 70s Show star (cough) Wilmer Valderrama has been trying to impress US radio shock jock Howard Stern with tales of his prowess and conquests.
Wilmer Valderrama, one of the stars of “That ‘70s Show” as well as the host of the upcoming MTV program, “Yo Momma,” visited the Howard Stern show to talk about banging young starlets. Wilmer revealed that his penis is over 8 inches long. Here at thebosh.com we have wondered for ages how Valderrama was able to pull in so many young stars. He says its his down to earth attitude, tight jeans & accent. We think its his penis but that’s just us.
Wilmer mentioned that he dated Lindsay Lohan for more than a year and that the rumor that he dumped her for Ashlee Simpson wasn’t true.Wilmer claimed that he took Mandy Moore’s virginity, Howard wondered if sex with her was difficult at first. Wilmer told Howard that the sex was “really good” with Mandy, but also acknowledged that it wasn’t “like warm apple pie.”
Howard said that he had a list of women with whom Wilmer allegedly has had sex and wanted his thoughts on each of them. The first name Howard mentioned was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who Wilmer replied “was an eight.”
Classy. I was always wondering whether Mandy Moore’s nether regions matched the description of vaginal perfection put forward by a hit teen movie of the nineties and now I know. I can sleep easy.
Can’t wait till one of the lasses steps forward and declares him to be terrible in the sack in order to get revenge on him for flapping his chops about their nights of passion. BRING IT THE FUCK ON!
(grabs popcorn)
Posted by Jess at 11:53 PM Link | TrackBack (0)In The Words Of My Darling Genny B…
… I am OBSEXXED!
More specifically, I am obsexxed with the song The Flood In Your Old Town by a band called Candy Bars.
Download it yourself over at stereogum.com
That is all for now.
Posted by Jess at 7:34 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Coming Soon To An Ausculture Near You…
1) Remember when I said I’d have an Australian pop-culture related quiz ready by - and I quote - “within the next week”? You know, back in February? Well, it’s still coming. Feel comforted by the fact that it’s long delay means it is BIGGER AND BETTER THAN YOU COULD HAVE IMAGINED! Yes! My lateness is in actual fact a QUALITY GUARANTEE! (Please note: quality of quiz not assured.)
2) Melbourne residents - especially those north of the Yarra - may be famililar with Grant the street poet. He saunters around the Brunswick and Fitzroy areas coming up with spoken word pieces for cash. He also attends Hair Of The Dog Rock Trivia every week and it is through this activity that we have become aquaintances. ANYWAY! After some tough negotiation, Grant has agreed to provide ausculture.com with a weekly poem which’ll probably go up on Mondays from now on, god willing.
I am very excited at this prospect as Grant is the man behind of my favourite spoken word comedic piece of all time “Itty Bitty Titties” (which, he leaned over and confided on Sunday night, was a call to arms for the small-breasted women out there who feel inadequate in this heinous world of sillicone and Baywatch). He gave me a bit of a teaser as to what his first ausculture.com contribution would be about but I won’t ruin it for you. Let’s just say it involves Tony Barber cutting your throat.
3) Grant’s Weekly Poem may replace Disturbing Google Search Phrases as an ausculture.com feature as I suspect that joke has been stretched thin and thoroughly out-stayed its welcome.
Posted by Jess at 6:47 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)(Another) Open Letter To Nelson Aspen
Dearest most beloved Nelson Aspen,
LONG TIME NO HEAR!
I blame myself.
After our thoroughly scrumptious live phone interview for 2SER’s Wednesday Breakfast in October last year, I meant to write a massive ‘thank you’ on here aimed squarely at you and your broad, manly shoulders… but then I moved to Melbourne, was without internet access for ages and BAM! Before I realised it, the months had quickly sprinted by and it was simply too late!
Rest assured we still adore you over here.
Come to Melbourne and drink tequila with me. I need love.
Yours eternally in pop-cultural camaraderie,
Jess from Ausculture xx
Posted by Jess at 6:05 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)March 27, 2006
A Young Angelina Jolie
Thanks to this article in the NY Post, we can now see what a youthful Angelina looked like.
Altogether now… awwwww.
Posted by Jess at 10:01 PM Link | Comments (22) | TrackBack (0)This Is All Terribly Familiar.
An interesting article on theage.com.au
Bunking in with your fishing mates for two bucks a night and no women allowed.
But what may be a dream come true for some men could be under threat at a New Zealand lake after a woman attempted to reserve an anglers’ club cabin for some weekend fly fishing.
“We tried to book for a group of us, men and women, but were told, sorry, it’s in the rule books, men only,” the unnamed woman told the Dominion Post newspaper.
“We all just thought that’s absolutely ridiculous.”
A gender discrimination complaint was made to New Zealand’s Human Rights Commission, which is investigating.
But the Wairoa Anglers Club, which owns the cabin by Lake Waikaremoana in the North Island’s east, is not backing down.
Club secretary Esther Foster says rather than being discriminatory, the rule aims to protect women.
The cabin has five bunks in one room and can be shared by anglers.
“It’s so that you’re not having young girls in with old men. It’s a politically correct type of thing,” Foster told the paper.
“It wasn’t to be sexist, it was just that the men wanted their privacy.”
Hmmm. Men only fishing trips? Now, what does that remind you of?
Uff thus thung gribs us agin un tha wrung
pliss, un tha wrung time, weer dud.
Uff you can’t fux utt,
Jick, thun yew’ve gut to stind utt.
I wush I noo how to quart yew.
You don’t go up there to fish.
Ickshully, I do. Un butween the sushuns of fusting and rumming.
Tull yew whut, we cooda hud a gud life toguther!
Fickin’ rull gud life! Hid us a pluss of arr own.
But yew dudn’t wunt utt, Innis!
So whut we gut now is Wairoa Englers Club!
FOR GOD’S SAKE, LET THEM HAVE A BRUCKBICK MOUNTAIN OF THEIR VERY OWN!
(puts on Brokeback Mountain soundtrack)
(skips to Willy Nelson’s “He Was A Friend Of Mine”)
(weeps quietly)
Posted by Jess at 5:07 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)My Eyes! The Goggles Do Nothing!
Does Lleyton Hewitt make you absolutely tingly in the pants region?
THEN DON’T MISS OUT ON THIS WEEK’S NEW IDEA!
Literally* THREE HUNDRED PAGES of Lleyton parading around in budgie-smugglers for your viewing pleasure. Lleyton with Mia, Lleyton with Bec, Lleyton talking to his mum, Lleyton thrusting along to Guns’N’Roses’ Paradise City - all lovingly snapped and published within the pages of Not The Official Princess Mary Magazine.
I would have bought it myself but funds were tight so I went for the two minute noodles instead.
*In the Kate DeAraugo sense of the word, of course.
Posted by Jess at 3:23 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)March 24, 2006
While I’m Aware He’s Probably Just Clapping Like A Spaz…
I am enjoying the idea of John Howard crunking away madly to Pussycat Doll’s “Don’t Cha” in the photo below to a ridiculous degree.
As long as he didn’t get his pelvic region involved in the groove-busting. Then I’d probably feel queasy.
Posted by Jess at 5:22 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)March 22, 2006
Yes, But They Whinge About Everything, Don’t They?
Surprise, surprise - the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation are up in arms YET AGAIN.
WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?
Glad you asked. The National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation are apparently rather surly regarding the murderous character of Silas in The Da Vinci Code as he is pigmently different and also happens to not be the kind of fellow you’d want to invite round for a dinner party. Unless it happened to be a dinner party with a self-flagellation theme. Then you’d probably be stoked to have him there.
… to combat the latest in Hollywood’s long line of “evil albinos,” the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation is indeed launching their planned campaign this week against the Tom Hanks flick.
In 2003, June Waugh, an albino teacher in California, wrote to Brown after reading he’d struck a movie deal. She was distressed that the red-eyed Silas, a religious zealot who kills repeatedly in the name of God, embodies “damning” and “hateful” stereotypes of albinism. He is played in the movie by Paul Bettany.
“You might be interested to know that Silas… is a far more sympathetic character than anyone else in the novel,” Brown swiftly replied. Still, NOAH (The National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation) had by then taken up Waugh’s cause, asking director Ron Howard not to make Silas albino.
Yup, they’re definitely not holding back on this issue.
An albino squirrel pictured yesterday
as it quietly seethed over the upcoming movie
version of The Da Vinci Code.
This campaign comes hot on the heels of the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation’s protests against skiing (“Oh great. Why don’t you just MERRILY WHIZZ OVER THE SOFT WHITE SNOW like you MERRILY WHIZZ OVER THE ALBINO COMMUNITY’S NEED FOR UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECT?”) and cocaine (“We get it. White powder. White as in our skin. Powder as in the mid-nineties flick starring Mary Steenburger which just happens to be about an albino. You’re getting all sniffy with the albino community, WE CAN SEE THROUGH YOU.”)
WE JEST, WE JEST!
It was just really nice to use the words “National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation” over and over in a blog post. DO YOU REALISE HOW LONG WE’VE BEEN ACHING TO DO THAT?
(Via ONTD)
Posted by Jess at 10:54 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)That’s Gotta Be Frustrating For Tom.
Even Mr Cruise’s daughter is starting to tower over him.
AND SHE’S ONLY FOUR FEET SIX*!
*NB: We are of course wildly speculating used the latest scientific methods to estimate Isabella Kidman-Cruise’s height as accurately as possible.
(Via JJB)
Posted by Jess at 10:43 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Ausculture Email Is Back!
It took Patrick much time, effort, the blood of a chicken and seventeen virgins but he has managed to get all all our @ausculture.com email addresses working.
Apologies if you’ve emailed us and not received a reply yet. There were literally THOUSANDS of emails sitting and waiting to get delivered to my hot little inbox - 99.9% of it spam so we’re not actually popular, don’t worry - and now I can begin the dizzying and frightening task of attempting to get back to everyone who has written in over the past two weeks.
STILL!
The point remains that we’re contactable again. And we love getting tips and love and hate through the magic of the interweb mail delivery service so start banging out those emails again.
Cheerio!
UPDATE - Oh wait. It’s buggered again. ARGHHHHHHHHH! Of course, the real victim in this is La Nadine, who must now get a second bucket load of chicken blood thrown over her busty bod. WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE RACK?!
Posted by Jess at 1:29 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)March 20, 2006
WHO IS THIS WOMAN?
Give up? Well, she normally looks like this…
That’s right, it’s Mrs Peter Andre aka Katie Price aka Jordan!
Doesn’t scrub up half bad, does she?
Posted by Jess at 11:55 PM LinkA Rundown Of Friday Night
I’m sorry I didn’t provide anything fresh and delicious for you all to read upon your Monday morning return to work, dear viewers. It’s just I was rather tired and weary from an action packed weekend and my brain is only just beginning to function again.
WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, JESS?
Dudes, brace yourselves. I went to a COMMONWEALTH GAMES ATHLETES PARTY.
WHY?
Because I really wanted to hook up with a Malaysian lawn bowls champ, or at the very least, a Kenyan skeet-shooter.
… AND?
It didn’t happen.
OH. SO WHY ON EARTH WERE YOU THERE?
After my earlier post on the Queen’s thoughts regarding the opening ceremony proved quite the hit, I was contact by Eddie McGuire who offered me prime tic…
BULLSHIT.
What?
YOU’RE FULL OF IT, WOMAN.
I can’t lie to you guys. Okay, basically a very dear friend of mine who I have known since I was just a wee whippersnapper in a Catholic school girl kilt happened to be in town because her husband REPRESENTED THE MOTHERCHUCKING COUNTRY in the Rugby 7’s game.
Incidentally, I was not aware of the concept behind the Rugby 7 thingo until late last week. Seven players and each half is only SEVEN MINUTES LONG? That is ingenious. That is exactly the amount of time I’d be prepared to devote to watching sport (beloved Demons matches not included).
CONTINUE, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
No need to get snappy, toots.
Anyway, Dear Friend and Husband had wristbands galore which would allow me A RIDICULOUS LEVEL OF ACCESS for some Games-related party near the casino. I rode my bike (yes, still cycling away, those who care!) down there at one in the morning, chained it up next to the Yarra and put on my most charming and sociable facial expression before entering “the do”.
IS THAT THE…
Yes. The one where I pretend I’m Catriona Rowntree and there’s jizz in my eye.
VERY GOOD.
I thought so.
Wandering through the hootenanny, I could hear people saying “Wow, this place is like - wall to wall with celebrities! Everyone here is a footballer!”
IS THIS TRUE?
It could be. I don’t know what any AFL footballers look like! I saw people with varying degrees of muscle and neck, that much is true. But I am only just learning to recognise the guernsey of the Melbourne Demons - I cannot be expected to know some ruck Sherrin bouncing what’s it Brownlow bloke’s face intimately. Either way, their ball-related fame was wasted on my ignorant self.
ANY OTHER CELEBRITIES?
Well… Thankfully I AM an expert at spotting washed up reality television show contestants. So recognising Rita from Big Brother 5 - resplendent in her Commonwealth Games volunteer uniform - was no worry. I wonder if volunteering for the Sydney Olympics somehow led to her pashing Grant Hackett?
CHRIST ALMIGHTY - DISMAL CELEB SPOTTING, JESS!
You’re absolutely right. Although… LEE HARDING WAS THERE!
SCREAM!
SCREAM!
SCREAM!
I KNOW! SCREAM!
THIS IS JUST SILLY. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Everyone I was with kept spotting him but whenever I’d turn to look, my cock-kicking right leg at the ready, he’d disappear. Eventually my Dear Friend’s little brother (more on him in a moment) and I began trawling the various levels of “da club” trying to find him so I could say something cruel and hurtful before throwing my drink over his head and yelling “AND THAT’S FOR RAPING ‘EYE OF THE TIGER’, YOU WANKSTAIN!”.
(SILENCE)
Oh come on, you know he deserves it.
AND DID YOU?
No. Just as we launched our Kick Lee Harding And Call Him Bad Words offensive, the sneaky bastard left.
DISAPPOINTING!
You’re telling me. I had to kick a spastic, an orphan and an old man before I felt better. In any case, I caught a glimpse of the gammy eejit, and feel a member of the evening’s posse managed to sum up Mr Harding’s new hair style in far more a succinct style than I could ever hope to.
“It looks like someone had a period on his head.”
That it did, that it did.
(vomits)
HEY, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT THE FRIEND’S LITTLE BROTHER EARLIER?
Thanks for reminding me! I remember this dear young man as an adorable nine year old with a cheeky grin and a penchant for light-hearted mischief. When I saw him at the party, I whispered to him “Oooh, you must have really good fake ID!” and he replied “Jess, I’m twenty.” Then I felt old.
REGARDLESS!
After Rita from Big Brother tried to flirt with him (!!!), we got into a discussion about Big Brother evictees.
HIM: (something I could barely hear over the music)
ME: Hahaha, it almost sounded like you said you had a four way with Logan Greg.
HIM: I DID have a four way with Logan Greg.
ME: (head explodes)
Needless to say, I have all the juicy details and am prepared to sell them to the highest bidder and\or for some Maggi Two Minute Noodles (Chicken Flavouring).
He ALSO happens have access to some fiendishly juicy A-List gossip. Don’t ask me how, I cannae give away any information which may lead to him being “discovered” and turfed out from his wonderful spying position.
WHAT SORT OF GOSSIP?
Here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m going to put random words in random order in a list, and YOU put it together however you like in order to make your own salacious stories. It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure book for NW Magazine readers.
- Spacey!
- Kitchen!
- Three male hookers!
- Bosworth!
- Cute waiters!
- Cocaine nose!
- Joh Bailey!
NOTE TO LAWYERS: NONE OF THE WORDS ABOVE ARE IN ANY WAY RELATED TO EACH OTHER.
We exchanged numbers and he will be contacting me every few weeks with scandalous blatherskite not fit to be published anywhere reputable. We’ll probably have to make ‘em Blind Items but hell, it’s been a while.
AND THAT WAS THE PARTY?
Yes, that was the party, I had a delightful time. No sign of Lavinia Nixon or Daryl Somers or celebs of that ilk, but the Logan Greg story made everything worth it.
Then I rode my bike home at four in the morning and managed to catch a guy running naked down Swanston Street screaming “CARN AUSTRALIA, GO FOR GOOOOOOOOOOLD!” and I felt very patriotic.
Regular blogging to resume shortly.
Posted by Jess at 11:26 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)March 17, 2006
THE QUEEN IS HAPPY, I REPEAT, THE QUEEN IS HAPPY!
OH.
Say no more, mon amore.
PS: Forget my earlier request for Queen pictures. I had no idea she’d left today. SHE CAN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO STICK AROUND TO WATCH SPORT SPORT SPORT SPORT SPORT FOR ELEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT EVEN THOUGH IT’S PRETTY MUCH FOR HER BENEFIT? I can’t help but quietly admire her for it.
Posted by Jess at 12:20 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)March 16, 2006
This Photo Begs For A Caption.
Look at her glee. She must have spit in the glass earlier or something equally juvenile and disgusting, surely? Those twinkling eyes simply scream “PHIL! PHIL! SERIOUSLY, HE’S DRINKING IT! NO, I’M NOT JOKING, HE’S DRINKING IT RIGHT NOW - HEE HEE HEE!”
And I’ll tell you something for nothing, folks.
If the wrinkled old bird chooses not to smile until she’s done something unspeakably filthy to John Howard’s beverage, then so be it. I support her all the way.
May she cupcake him before the Commonwealth Games are over.
(Happy now, dear Nora? I’m all about Liz now. You may as well all start referring to me as Bruce Ruxton.)
PS: JUST A REMINDER THAT AUSCULTURE MAIL IS CURRENTLY DOWN FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING COUNT. Please direct all email for the time being to tittytittybapbang at gmail.com. Any potentially blog-inspiring photos of our Head of State would be much appreciated. I cannot be expected to spend my days trawling through online photo gallery after online photo gallery in the vain hope I’ll stumble across a snapshot of her containing a ridiculous facial expression… can I? I’ll give you all a holla when normal email has been brought back to life by the Clooney-circa-ER hands of Patrick Ausculture III Esq.
Posted by Jess at 11:00 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)It’s Good To Have Television Back.
Thanks to Ukulele, who has lent me a television aerial, tonight I caught my first glimpse of moving pictures on the box in the comfort of my own home after six months without.
Clutching the aerial with on hand and waving frantically with the other in order to somehow muster up reception, I saw about five minutes of the Channel Ten late news.
The story? A high speed police chase in Queensland, where two people in a blue ute desperately attempted to avoid the Sunshine State’s finest, all whilst being filmed by helicopters from above.
My favourite part of the news report?
“The car then stopped for petrol and drove off without paying.”
I’m sorry, what? The car managed to STOP FOR PETROL AT A LOCAL BP AND POLICE STILL COULDN’T CATCH THEM?
I did love the tone of disapproval mustered up by the newsreader when she delivered the “drove off without paying” line. I mean, they’re wanted for questioning regarding attempted murder and ram raids, they’ve being hounded by the coppers - was anyone really expecting them to pull out their wallets and pay for their petrol in a sudden moment of law abiding decency?
Posted by Jess at 10:40 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)I’d Like To Teach The Queen To Smile…
On seconds thoughts, perhaps not.
I will stop obsessing about the Queen’s lack of enthusiasm, promise.
Posted by Jess at 12:56 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)The Queen’s Thoughts On The Opening Ceremony (PICTORIAL EDITION)
MARVEL AT ME, I AM PUBLIC TRANSPORT WITH WINGS!
Public transport? One finds this concept foreign, confusing and foolish. NEXT! 
I am a sweet youth, holding a duck! It is symbolic!
One shoots ducks for fun. NEXT!
B..b..but… surely you find me quite adorable?
You are not fit to clean the bidets at Windsor Castle. NEXT! 
I am a charming marsupial AND a top mum! HAHAHA
Ones own mother is dead. NEXT! 
I am part-man, part-koala - and I am wearing y-fronts! And I’m tattooed!
………….. 
Look, we are dainty and add an element of class!
One has a ballet company of their own back home. NEXT! 
Get a fuckin’ dog up ya if you’re not prepared to enjoy our cultural display.
One would like this man shot, please. 
Done and done. Can I get a hell yeah?
No.
Oooh, I’m old but still running! I am a CHAMPION!
One resents your agility and zest for life. NEXT! 
We’re from one of the great African nations!
Look, Liz - they’re coloured! I mean, COLOURFUL!
You promised you’d be on your best behaviour, Philip. 
Aren’t our saris beautiful? We are exquisite.
I’ll have the chicken korma and a garlic naan. HAHAHAHA 
Oh for fuck’s sake, Phil. 
THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT EVS!
One is old and irritable and wants to go to bed.
This one goes out to my lover, Brian McFadden!
Who on earth is that?
The fat one from Ireland who used to be in Westlife, I think.
Oh. One does not approve of Brian McFadden. NEXT!
IT’S ALL OVER! NOW IT’S TIME FOR FIREWORKS, HUZZAH!
Thank goodness. One wants to go home at once and do wees. Damn this heathen backwater to Hades.
FIN
March 15, 2006
Quick Thoughts Regarding Tonight’s Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony
Melbourne looks rather pretty. Huzzah for fireworks and lights and stuff!
A FLYING MOTHERCHUCKING TRAM! It’s like The Wishing Chair, but run by Yarra Trams! Marvellous. OOOH I HOPE KYLIE EMERGES FROM THE TRAMS NOW OPEN DOORS!
And from the bowels of the MCG and The Magical Flying Tram… it’s Melbourne’s ZANY citizens! And tram inspectors! And their make up made them look like extras from Night Of The Living Dead! No sign of Kylie.
A fairy! And a young lad! With… a duck? Oooh, the fairy is flying!
AND NOW THE BOY IS RIDING HIS SKATEBOARD INTO THE SKY LIKE MICHAEL J FOX IN BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Hey, where’d the fairy go? She made him go airbourne and then pissed off - now he’s stuck!
THANK CHRIST HE FOUND SOME ROPES IN THE SHAPE OF A TOWER TO GRAB ONTO BEFORE HE FELL OFF HIS SKATEBOARD!
And now he’s unveiled a flag saying “HELP” - lucky he happened to be carrying that with him or who knows what would have happened?
Some fucked up bootylicious koalas in underwear are trying to save him by rowing toward him in a giant thong. Erm, what? Still no sign of Kylie.
TOO SLOW, STONER MARSUPIALS! He’s flying away on his own. Hang on, if he could fly without the aid of a skateboard the whole time, why the need for the HELP sign? I’m confused.
Did Liz Hayes just say the boy has fallen into an abyss?
An aboriginal gal rows through the air with an orb of knowledge. I think. Kylie is not on the orb-boat.
Ballerinas and ThomasR (and friends) begin frolicking around the MCG.
THE CHURCH! THE CHURCH! SINGING UNDER THE MILKY WAY TONIGHT! Wonderful!
How do you top that?
The Cat Empire? Are you fucking kidding? WHERE’S KYLIE?
Here come the nations of the Commonwealth!
GHANA MAKE YOU SWEAT!
KENYA FEEL IT? KEN I GET A HELL YEAH?
Etc.
John Howard is such a fucking muppet.
The Queen looks like she’s about to burst into tears. This is for your benefit, woman! Give us a smile at least! Maybe she just hates The Cat Empire?
Prince Philip appears to be making eyes at female athletes.
When will Kylie appear, please? WE WANT KYLIE! Elephant optional.
Or Anthony Callea.
Cathy and friends bring the baton to the Queen.
The Queen makes a yawn-worthy speech. Still appears unable to smile.
Delta sings. Genny B is hypnotised by Ms Goodrem’s appearance.
Seriously, they need to get Jim Steinman to write the songs for opening ceremonies of all sporting events. The man behind Bat Out Of Hell and All Coming Back To Me Now would provide us with a suitable rock opera for such a shindig.
FIREWORKS!
Our opening ceremony viewing party (consisting of myself, Ukulele, SJX and Genny B) stand on the terrace and watch the pyro spectacular explode across the city skyline. Genny B, wrapped in the Australian flag, declares that Delta is “mystical” and then proceeds to shout across Fitzroy “FUCK THE POOR PEOPLE, WE WANT MORE FIREWORKS!
Will Fop texts me “That was amazing! Serious!” and then minutes later, regarding Delta’s song - “I really did like her song… I suspect The Veronicas wrote her that… Monaco could take that to Eurovision and come top five…”
Melbourne looks rather pretty. Huzzah for fireworks and lights and stuff!
A FLYING MOTHERCHUCKING TRAM! It’s like The Wishing Chair, but run by Yarra Trams! Marvellous. OOOH I HOPE KYLIE EMERGES FROM THE TRAMS NOW OPEN DOORS!
And from the bowels of the MCG and The Magical Flying Tram… it’s Melbourne’s ZANY citizens! And tram inspectors! And their make up made them look like extras from Night Of The Living Dead! No sign of Kylie.
A fairy! And a young lad! With… a duck? Oooh, the fairy is flying!
AND NOW THE BOY IS RIDING HIS SKATEBOARD INTO THE SKY LIKE MICHAEL J FOX IN BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Hey, where’d the fairy go? She made him go airbourne and then pissed off - now he’s stuck!
THANK CHRIST HE FOUND SOME ROPES IN THE SHAPE OF A TOWER TO GRAB ONTO BEFORE HE FELL OFF HIS SKATEBOARD!
And now he’s unveiled a flag saying “HELP” - lucky he happened to be carrying that with him or who knows what would have happened?
Some fucked up bootylicious koalas in underwear are trying to save him by rowing toward him in a giant thong. Erm, what? Still no sign of Kylie.
TOO SLOW, STONER MARSUPIALS! He’s flying away on his own. Hang on, if he could fly without the aid of a skateboard the whole time, why the need for the HELP sign? I’m confused.
Did Liz Hayes just say the boy has fallen into an abyss?
An aboriginal gal rows through the air with an orb of knowledge. I think. Kylie is not on the orb-boat.
Ballerinas and ThomasR (and friends) begin frolicking around the MCG.
THE CHURCH! THE CHURCH! SINGING UNDER THE MILKY WAY TONIGHT! Wonderful!
How do you top that?
The Cat Empire? Are you fucking kidding? WHERE’S KYLIE?
Here come the nations of the Commonwealth!
GHANA MAKE YOU SWEAT!
KENYA FEEL IT? KEN I GET A HELL YEAH?
Etc.
John Howard is such a fucking muppet.
The Queen looks like she’s about to burst into tears. This is for your benefit, woman! Give us a smile at least! Maybe she just hates The Cat Empire?
Prince Philip appears to be making eyes at female athletes.
When will Kylie appear, please? WE WANT KYLIE! Elephant optional.
Or Anthony Callea.
Cathy and friends bring the baton to the Queen.
The Queen makes a yawn-worthy speech. Still appears unable to smile.
Delta sings. Genny B is hypnotised by Ms Goodrem’s appearance.
Seriously, they need to get Jim Steinman to write the songs for opening ceremonies of all sporting events. The man behind Bat Out Of Hell and All Coming Back To Me Now would provide us with a suitable rock opera for such a shindig.
FIREWORKS!
Our opening ceremony viewing party (consisting of myself, Ukulele, SJX and Genny B) stand on the terrace and watch the pyro spectacular explode across the city skyline. Genny B, wrapped in the Australian flag, declares that Delta is “mystical” and then proceeds to shout across Fitzroy “FUCK THE POOR PEOPLE, WE WANT MORE FIREWORKS!
Will Fop texts me “That was amazing! Serious!” and then minutes later, regarding Delta’s song - “I really did like her song… I suspect The Veronicas wrote her that… Monaco could take that to Eurovision and come top five…”
So there you have it. Despite Kylie not turning up (and really, there was nothing to suggest she would except the desperate hope of yours truly), it wasn’t too bad. Except for the rubbish bits. But pyrotechnics are always good, aren’t they? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to organise a suitable wooing frock in order to land myself a potential husband from Team Guyana.
Posted by Jess at 11:58 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Jessica Rowe Warned - “Stop Giggling Or Else!”
CHANNEL 9 has told ex-Ten newsreader Jessica Rowe to tone down her giggling on the Today show as it enters its most crucial battle since being toppled by Seven’s Sunrise.
I’m not one to jump to conclusions but I think we’re all pretty clear on what the real story is, aren’t we?
It all makes sense. The constant snickering at nothing in particular, the potato chip remanants scattered all over the Today show newsdesk, the use of snippets from Cypress Hill’s “Hits From The Bong” to lead into ad breaks…
ROWE - LAY OFF THE DOOBIE AND START PULLING VIEWERS INSTEAD OF CONES.
Posted by Jess at 4:03 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)March 14, 2006
Pretty Young Things
My, don’t The Pussycat Dolls look well?
I’ve never understood why HolyMoly once described the group as “herpes in a halterneck”. They seem pleasant and classy and clean. The sort of girls you’d take home to meet your mother.
The only question left in my mind is WHEN WILL FERGIE BLACK EYED PEAS BECOME A MEMBER OF THE TROUPE?
Posted by Jess at 1:47 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)March 13, 2006
The Headline I’ve Been Waiting For All My Life.
Alas, Belinda Carlisle is not talking about her desire to collaborate with yours truly. Rather, Ms Carlisle has declared she would like Jessica Alba to play her in the movie of her life.
BELINDA? NO. JUST… NO.
Not only do the two of them look NOTHING ALIKE, Jessica Alba makes me feel strange and not in a good way. No Rock & Roll Fun suggests Alyson Hannigan for the role, which actually isn’t a bad suggestion I suppose.
IMPORTANT BELINDA CARLISLE BIOPIC-RELATED QUESTIONS.
- Will it result in Oscars a la Ray and Walk The Line?
Jess says… Undoubtedly.
- Who should play George Harrison in the flick?
Jess says… Are you mad and\or stupid? Benicio Del Toro, obviously. If you can keep him away from the catering table during the duration of filming.
- Why would George Harrison be in the movie, yoooou stooooopid woooooman?
Jess says… Thanks for asking, Rene from ‘Allo ‘Allo. George Harrison is the man behind the divine slide guitar solo in Belinda’s Leave A Light On.
- Will the film address the issue of Belinda’s
Jess says… If it’s an Alba Carlisle, then yes. If it’s a Hannigan Carlisle, then no.
- Will the soundtrack be the best thing ever in the history of anything?
Jess says… Yes it will, friend. Yes it will.
So there you have it.
Obligatory & Excruciatingly Irritating Radio Plug
Clem Bastow and I are doing another fill today on RRR - Melbourners can tune in on 102.7FM. Others can stream through RRR’s website. We’re on between 4pm and 7pm.
And In Other News…
The jess at ausculture.com email address is continuing to have spazzy fits and other than a few emails which slipped through on Thursday morning, nothing is being delivered. So if you’ve sent me something or heckled me (I probably deserve it), there’s a reason behind my lack of response. Posted by Jess at 2:33 PM Link | TrackBack (0)
March 10, 2006
Rap Song Of The Moment (Performed Textually By Australian Political Figures)
In my eyes I done seen some crazy thangs in the streets
Gotta couple hoes workin on the changes for me
But I gotta keep my game tight like Kobe on game night
Like takin from a ho don’t know no better, I know that ain’t right
Done seen people killed, done seen people deal
Done seen people live in poverty with no meals
It’s fucked up where I live, but that’s just how it is
It might be new to you, but it’s been like this for years
It’s blood sweat and tears when it come down to this shit
I’m tryin to get rich ‘fore I leave up out this bitch
I’m tryin to have thangs but it’s hard fo’ a pimp
But I’m prayin and I’m hopin to God I don’t slip, yeah
(howling posse of incredibly similar whoobangin’ hoes)
You know it’s hard out here for a pimp 
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
When he tryin to get this money for the rent
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
For the Cadillacs and gas money spent
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
Will have a whole lot of bitches talkin shit
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
Man it seems like I’m duckin dodgin bullets everyday
Niggaz hatin on me cause I got, hoes on the tray
But I gotta stay paid, gotta stay above water
Couldn’t keep up with my hoes, that’s when shit got harder
North Memphis where I’m from, I’m 7th Street bound
Where niggaz all the time end up lost and never found
Man these girls think we prove thangs, leave a big head
They come hopin every night, they don’t end up bein dead
Wait I got a snow bunny, and a black girl too
You pay the right price and they’ll both do you
That’s the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin
Gotta have my hustle tight, makin change off these women, yeah
(howling posse of incredibly similar whoobangin’ hoes)
You know it’s hard out here for a pimp
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
When he tryin to get this money for the rent
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
For the Cadillacs and gas money spent
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
Will have a whole lot of bitches talkin shit
YOU AIN’T KNOWIN’!
Natalie Portman Is A Goddess
I’m sure most of you have seen the Natalie Portman-SNL rap video which has been floating merrily across the internet over the last couple of days - the explosive CLEMBASTOW emailed me a link to it yesterday. I just watched it again and Ms Portman really is brilliant beyond belief in the sketch so on the off-chance there are ausculture.com readers out there who have missed seeing this amazing clip, I insist you check it out yourself.
POSSE: What you want, Natalie?
NATALIE: TO DRINK AND FIGHT!
POSSE: What you need, Natalie?
NATALIE: TO FUCK ALL NIGHT!
Superb.
Posted by Jess at 1:15 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
Katie Holmes & Posh Spice Are Great Pals… Erm, What?
Hmmmph. This is certainly an interesting* turn of events, don’t you think?
Katie Holmes has allegedly asked Victoria Beckham to be her birthing partner.
The screen beauty - who is expecting her first baby with fiance Tom Cruise this year - reportedly wants the former Spice Girl to be by her side when she goes into labour.
A source told Britain’s Grazia magazine: “Victoria and Katie have struck a real rapport ever since they were introduced by Tom and both of them are thrilled by the friendship.
“Victoria has become something of a mother hen to Katie, so when she was asked if she would be with her during the birth, she said yes straight away.”
Because the pair live in different countries - mum-of-three Victoria lives in Spain, while Katie lives in the US - they are spending time on the phone preparing for the birth.
The source added: “Twice a week they both set aside half an hour to chat about the impending birth and any worries Katie might have.
“Sometimes they even practise breathing exercises over the phone.”
It sounds suspiciously to me like the sort of nonsense which’d be fed to the tabloids by someone in the Posh Spice camp but hey, perhaps it’s true. You can bet your bottom dollar that Our Nic (TM) would never have stood for such rubbish. I also doubt she’d have let herself end up spreadeagled in stirrups over at Scientology HQ getting L Ron Hubbard’s frozen manbroth shot into her womb with a turkey baster last September but that’s neither here nor there.
Personally, I prefer this delightful “Engrish” version of events.
Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham 2 Mun for a baby!
Katie Holmes, pregnant up to eyes, would have issued a very particular wish for the day of his delivery: that Victoria Beckham holds him the hand while it will be in working room!
Both women became in effect very companions since Tom Cruise, friends of the Beckham, introduced them mutually. Even separated by Atlantic, they would spend hours in the telephone, the ex- Spice girl making play to the actress of the financial years of breathing…
And it is not everything. True mother hen for Katie, Victoria Beckham is it also for Geri Halliwell. Always present for his ancient friend of chorus girl s band, pregnant of six months (which the infant will be called Srella if it is a girl and Leonardo if it is a boy), it shows a devotion which pleases to see…
Pregnant up to the eyes? Making play to the actress of the financial years of breathing? Indeed!
(story originally via Defamer)
*I say “interesting” and not “fucking insane” because as far as the Cruise-Holmes romance goes, you’d have to send me video footage of Katie giving birth to a fire breathing thetan who looked remarkably like John Travolta and who thrilled doctors by doing a note perfect rendition of All That Jazz before savaging its mother to death in a bloody and thoroughly gory fashion before you’d even get me to raise an eyebrow.
Posted by Jess at 12:10 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)March 9, 2006
Handling Oneself With The Utmost Class.
Well, as much class as you can muster up when sprung trying it on with a lamb after getting on the piss all afternoon.
Leroy Johnson, a deputy chief with the Mesa Fire Department, was nabbed shortly after the neighbor’s teenage daughter watched him drag the animal into the family barn Saturday afternoon. When later confronted, the 52-year-old Johnson, who apparently had been drinking, told the neighbor (who has the improbable name of Alan Goats), “You caught me Alan, I tried to fuck your sheep.”
Pants at ankles, one hand on your willy and the other on a defenceless farm animal, and you manage to slur out with devastating honesty “You caught me Alan, I tried to fuck your sheep”?
Way to face the music loud and proud, Leroy.
PS: Though honestly, look at the flirtacious she-beast. If she really didn’t want it, she wouldn’t go prancing around the farmyard with her booty in the air, now would she?
Posted by Jess at 11:26 PM Link | TrackBack (0)
March 8, 2006
Is It…
… a good idea to blog when you are so drunk it takes you several attempts before you are able to hit the correct key whilst typing?
The answer is a resounding no.
On the upside, I was violently ill last night AND ALL BEFORE MIDNIGHT which is, I can assure you, very rock.
I want my mummy.
(weeps quietly in Hangoverville)
Posted by Jess at 12:13 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)March 7, 2006
Cameron Daddo Appreciation Day - It’s Finally Here!
You may begin the worshiping now.
As previously discussed, I’d better be seeing you at The Tote, Melbourne kids.
PS: CLEMBASTOW and I are doing a RRR fill in today between 4pm and 7pm. Feel free to stream it through the website (IF YOU ENJOY LISTENING TO ADORABLY SHAMBOLIC GIRLS LAUGHING TOO MUCH AT STUFF THAT HAPPENED OFF-AIR AND MAKING NUMEROUS SINGLE ENTENDRES, ETC).
Posted by Jess at 12:42 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
March 5, 2006
Monday Media Blackout - ACADEMY AWARDS MADNESS
I will be attending a thrilling dress ups Oscars party tomorrow night and will be endeavouring to avoid finding out the results of the ceremony beforehand so that I can fully enjoy the experience, so there will be a FULL SCALE AUSCULTURE MEDIA BLACKOUT TOMORROW.
This means no blogging, no approaching the internet and email, no answering phone calls or text messages and… well, I can’t figure out another way that I’d discover who’s won what before the network television replay, but rest assured I will be MOTHERCHUCKING AVOIDING IT.
Hence there will be no posting tomorrow.
Let us reconvene here after the show to discuss the just desserts\absolute travesties.
POST SHOW UPDATE
I’m pleased to announce that the total media blackout worked a treat and for the first time in a decade I was able to watch the awards WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.
Here are the highlights according to me and mine.
- Jon Stewart = EXCELLENT. His Russell Crowe joke, his Three 6 Mafia\Scorcese line, and so much more… PERFECT.
- George Clooney = inspired much swooning from the ladies watching the telecast. Ms Fits began screaming “CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEEH!” in a thrilled manner when he first appeared on screen and we all adopted this howl of delight and began bellowing “CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEEH!” randomly through out the night. As Fluffy pointed out, George Clooney is an old school style movie star and I think I have developed a bit of a crush on him.
- “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” = GENIUS. I never expected to see the Academy Awards stage filled with pimps and bitches and when the song finished with the ladysinger belting out the word “PIMP!” for thirty awesome seconds, well. It was the second greatest moment in Oscars history (the first obviously being Rob Lowe singing Creedence Clearwater Revival with Snow White, as shown in the pre-show filler package).
- Richard Wilkins = die soon, please. Although it was rather nice seeing Naomi Watts physically shudder with repulsion when he gave her a kiss on the cheek.
- Ukulele and I dressed as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie (pre-bickering) for the shindig. And I’ve gotta say, that whore make up is really, really hard to wash off. Despite a shower and twenty minutes of applying cleanser, I still look like a hooker after a rough night out. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMMENTING ‘THAT’S HOW YOU ALWAYS LOOK, JESS!’
- And other stuff too. But I can’t remember because I am all a-fluster due to it being CAMERON DADDO APPRECIATION DAY!
From The Herald Sun’s Community Noticeboard…
I am trying to find any music by Peter Coombes, who sang children’s songs. My daughter owned a cassette of his music about 20 years ago. I am now trying to locate one for my nephew. Some of his songs include the words: Mr McKew, what will you do when your Billy goat won’t eat stew; Where is your bag dad, you left your bag in Baghdad; Fix the fence with sticky tape, do a belly flop in the pizza. Liz, 0410 524 320 or emoore@vtown.com.au
If anyone out there does manage to locate the Peter Coombes recordings for Liz, could they also please send me a copy as THE MAN IS CLEARLY AN INSANE LYRICAL GENIUS. “Where is your bag dad, you left your bag in Baghdad”? Truly razor sharp rhyming skills there. Don’t even get me started on the surreal nugget of word-gold that is “Fix the fence with sticky tape, do a belly flop in the pizza”.
Posted by Jess at 1:37 PM Link | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)March 4, 2006
Mother Ausculture’s* First Twelve Hours In Melbourne
My beloved Mum has flown down from Sydney to spend a few days with me during the build up to Cameron Daddo Appreciation Day. The poor love is currently out like a light on my futon mattress but here’s what she got up to yesterday.
3pm She arrives in bloody hot Melbourne.
4.30pm After a two month separation, she is reunited with her favourite child. Much howling of “THANK YOU LORD, SHE IS TOO PERFECT AND I HAVE MISSED HER SO!” at the sky ensues.
6pm Mum and I arrive at Pony. She becomes DJ Live Sex Show’s (aka Dave the Scotsman and the spunky Kerry) biggest fan after they play some Dolly Parton for her. Then she chugs down a shot of Jager followed by a beer chaser, and begins singing along pleasantly to Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males’ “Drunk On Election Night”. Having your mother crooning “… cock-sucking… motherfucking…” in the manner of Shari Lewis is an interesting way to begin a night out. And I refuse to confirm or deny rumours that my mother is a Mess and Noise lurking coolsie kid in the body of a fifty-something forty-something thirty-something year old woman.
7pm Dinner with Ukulele and Gen. Mother copes well with the news that Lee and I are now lesbian lovers due to deals made to win my support for The Demons. Whole table near tears with quiet joy over the scallops at Red Rice. Much wine is drunk. Where to next?
9:45pm COCKTAILS ON BRUNSWICK STREET! Mum downs a concoction called an “Ajax” and whispers in my ear that it’s “only so I clean out my system, get healthy, you know.” The wicked glint in her eye leads me to suspect that the woman is already well on her way to Partyville.
10:30pm “Hey, LETS GO AND DO KARAOKE!” suggests Lee. Are we ready for this? Yes, yes we are. Gen leaps in front of a cab, we bundle in and head straight to Sen Bar.
11pm We get a private room at the karaoke joint. We are joined by SJX and chums who just witnessed THE DEES SMASH THE BRISBANE LIONS, WAHEY WOOOOOO YEAH CAN YOU FEEL THAT? and are feeling similarly festive. What follows is three and a half hours of intense beer drinking, bad dancing and hard-core Kenny Loggins’ impersonations. Eskimo Joe are in the private room next door. Just so you know, among their many songs of choice were the hits “Are You Gonna Go My Way?”, “Fame!” and “Say My Name”. Gen ran into the lead singer in the bathroom and he inexplicably grabbed her and begged her to “Keep the faith!” At the time, we found that a bit weird and Hillsong but now I’m beginning to wonder if he was just suggesting Bon Jovi as her next song. The band are also surprisingly smaller than you’d think.
3am We make it back to Mum’s hotel… where we run into the cast of the musical Dusty and sit around all night doing lines off the firm buttocks of Mike from the backstage crew as we listen to Ms Springfield’s Greatest Hits.
Well, obviously the last bit didn’t happen. But the rest is alllllll true. The woman is exhausting me with her party hard ways and I have no idea what the crazy bitch has planned for tonight.
I love my Mum.
*Actually, she’s more Mother Half-Ausculture because as far as I know, she never gave birth to Patrick. Though hell, I don’t know what she got up to before I was born. Far be it from me to judge the woman if managed to squeeze out a handsome web designer the year before I arrived in the world. PATRICK - WE ARE JUST LIKE PRINCESS LEIA AND LUKE SKYWALKER EXCEPT NOT TWINS AND ALSO, PROBABLY NOT ACTUALLY SIBLINGS (AS FAR AS WE KNOW).
Posted by Jess at 5:15 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)March 3, 2006
From Today’s Crikey Newsletter..
Did you hear the one about the Prime Minister and the trees? Today in Crikey, a former press secretary in the Howard government, Ashley Manicaros, reveals that there’s one thing about John Howard which few people get – he just doesn’t do jokes. One day, when Manicaros and former Howard advisor Lynton Crosby were kidding about the various methods they’d employ for removing Heritage-protected trees from the lawn at The Lodge – the trees make it impossible to hoist a marquee in the garden – Howard wandered over to ask what they were laughing about. When he found out, “his eyes widened in horror. He shook his head and politely said this was not a conversation he could be part of and walked away.”
Posted by Jess at 2:29 PM Link | Comments (2)
| TrackBack (0)
March 2, 2006
URGENT NEWS BULLETIN REGARDING THE STATE OF AUSTRALIAN MUSIC
This just in…
——-Original Message——-
From: michael dilworth
Sent: Thursday, 2 March 2006 5:21 PM
To: surly@ausculture.com
Subject:
australian music sucks shit
end of story
Citizens who have been following the ongoing saga that is the state of the Australian music scene will no doubt recognise the above development in the story as a loud death knell tolling for our already ailing music industry.
While we’d like to keep you informed of further insider information as it comes to hand, we’re not entirely sure there’s any going back from being officially declared “shit sucking”. By a New Zealander!
Big ups to Michael for taking the time to contact us and give ausculture.com the scoop. Readers should always feel free to email (click on the Complain bit of the menu you can spy on the top right hand side of the page for details) and alert us to stories they think we’d be interested in.
Posted by Jess at 6:36 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Schappelle Corby Tours
Oh my fucking god. The beautiful Ukulele informed me today of some crafty Balinese tour operator’s Schappelle Corby-based holiday packages - and described the photos for me - but I’ve got to be honest, I thought she might have been embellishing the ‘oooomph!’ factor of the snap shots.
Dudes, she wasn’t.
Read her blog post here - I’m sure the below picture should be inspiration enough for you to click and get the low down.
YOU CAN WATCH HER AT FEEDING TIME LIKE SHE’S A MONKEY AT THE ZOO, FOR FUCKS!
Apparently you can also “have your photo taken infront of Schapelle in her cage. Small gifts can be given to Schapelle to encourage her to pose and smile in your photos.”. But don’t worry, the tour operators claim to be “fully respectful of Schapelle and her situation.” Well, that’s a relief.
Part of me wonders whether the bling bling loving Hotman Paris is somehow behind this and using Eddie Hutauruk as a clever front.
PS: Seriously though, this has to be rich comedy and not for real… right?
Posted by Jess at 3:57 PM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)Who Buys Lee Harding’s Music?
“HI CRAZY PUNK ROCK FANS!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU’RE ENJOYING MY FUCKING LAME MUSIC AND CRINGEY HAPPY-GO-LUCKY-FUN-TIME-GUY ATTIDUDE! THANKS FOR KEEPING ME IN THE TOP TEN AND THUS CEMENTING MY SHAMEFUL PLACE IN AUSTRALIAN MUSIC HISTORY FOREVER!”
my sisers friend tried 2 give u an i love u lee thing .. yeah, a window thingy,from me, but she wasent aloud.. ohhhhhhhh! this was at highpoint in mooney ponds! AGHHHHHH! i love u soooooo much…….my friendz would DIE 4 U.. but not like i would….
WASENT ALOUD? WHICH EDUCATIONAL FACILITY - AND CLEARLY I USE THE WORD “EDUCATIONAL” LOOSELY - IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS CHILD’S COMPLETE RAPE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE?
hey dude….like u r de best man u inspired me 2 make my band dude u rock!!!!!!
LORD HELP US!
you are sooo kool my friend meet you but i didnt get to and im still sad, but i would die to meet you cause your a sweet loving caring teddy bear hehe.my wall is coverd in lee stuff and i made like 5 lee collages.
I read the words “my wall is coverd in lee stuff” and immediately thought of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s character in Happiness. Then I threw up all over my keyboard.
hey Lee seemings everybody else has met u im gunna tell u that i havent met ya but ur still the best punk rocker round! wooohoo hurray for brining something new into idol
Oh yes, thank you for “brining” your COMPLETELY SHITHOUSE RENDITIONS OF CLASSIC TUNES to the Idol stage. Thank you EVER so much, you faux-punk abortion of epic proportions. Note: I realise some may point out that shithouse renditions of classic tunes is what Australian Idol is all about but really - we must all concur that Lee is particularly hideous.
hi, my name is alice williams, im in year 10 and im nearl 15. omg i love all of your new songs they rock….but if you heve a song about wasabi then why not one about bbq sauce, you so have the tallent for it.
Then later…
hello again its alice i forgot to say i love you soooooooooooooooooooo much and dont 4get 2 write that song about bbq sauce well sexc gtg luv always ur biggest fan alice williams you rok oxoxoxoxoxox mwa mwa mwa mwa will you marry me i love you sooooo much, your the cutest thing ever love you bye
Followed shortly by…
omfg i love you u r soo hot and you have such great tallent you are the best ever i love you call me on 9(REMOVED) or 0433(REMOVED) just to have a chat oh and dont 4get to write that song about bbq sauce and if you are call me well ill better go ilove ya love always alice williams oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxo oxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo i love ya oh and im not joking about thebbq sauce song c ya………………
I mean, for fuck’s sake. I am a terrible blog administrator on a good day. Having to go through and edit out some BBQ sauce obsessing teen’s phone number - several bloody times - from ausculture.com so she doesn’t receive calls from creepy net paedos is tiresome and irritating beyond belief. ALICE - DO NOT LEAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER HERE AGAIN!
omg im doing this assiment on youabout the best aystralian you rok welli gots go go omg you are sooooooo hot your the best luv always alice williams p.s i love youheaps love alice oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxdoxoxox oi hottie have you writen that song about bbq sauce yet lol luv alice…………
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
hey its alice again,im in skewl and im ment 2 be wrightin an articalon you but that can w8 your new album is the best ever lol tru tru omg your the hottist idol ever lol tru tru so like my teacher just told me off 4 going on the computer and writen to you and now i hav detention…….
YOUR TEACHER SHOULD BE INSTRUCTING YOU ABOUT BASIC LITERACY SKILLS before assigning you tasks like “wrightin” an “articalon” Lee Harding.
(shoots self in the head)
Hey leee…..alice my mate luvs u…but i dnt..im sorri its jus tha way i am..i wana say to that gay lil 10 yr old chik “Karli” ur too yung to be “in love with a fukin old guy punk thing and also that fukin wierdo spaz head mole kim grl…how tha fuk wuld u no lee is a “caring teddy bear” ur pathetic u dont even no him..evry1 on here is pathetic exept alice… so fuk off luv always jord xoxoxo ps im sorry if i ofended anyone but too bad :) luv uz! lol xoxo
Oddly, I kind of like this one. Even though she’s a chum of our old condiment mad friend Alice.
I LUV U LEE I WANNA MARRY U AND TRUST ME I WOULD IF I HAD THE CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUV U LUV U LUV U
Please stop this madness, brain damaged teens of the nation. I’ll do anything. ANYTHING.
Now I know how Ms Fits felt when the Lee fans jumped down her throat about her own Harding-related post. Except… I don’t know. I think I could wear being hated by Lee fans as a badge of honour. Being confused FOR Lee Harding and receiving a barrage of love just leaves me feeling… ill.
Posted by Jess at 2:27 PM Link | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0)
This May Sound Like An Odd Question…
But…
Andrew G? Are you out there? ARE YOU?
(looks around suspiciously)
Posted by Jess at 2:14 PM Link | TrackBack (0)March 1, 2006
Songs Of The Moment.
For the past twenty-four hours, ausculture.com has been brought to you by the following tunes.
- Girls Aloud - Love Machine
- Box Tops - Soul Deep
- Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion
- Mia Dyson - Rivers Wide
- Dr. Dog - Today
Get your hands on them as soon as possible, please.
IMPORTANT NOTES
i) Don’t be a fucking coolsie and just download the Arctic Monkey’s rendition of Love Machine. I quite like their cover but the original is a fucking amazing pop song on it’s own and well worth adding to your music collection. It sounds exactly - EXACTLY - how good pop should sound. Trust me.
ii) I am beginning to feel rather obsessed with the Box Tops.
iii) Welcome back, Yeah Yeah Yeahs - this song is a gem.
iv) Oh, Mia Dyson. We’re really beginning to have a beautiful relationship. Those backing “oooooohs” are heavenly.
v) The Dr Dog tune - and for the life of me, I can’t remember where I stumbled across it - is just pleasant listening during this beautiful weather. It is the perfect soundtrack for cool breezes and breakfasts with friends and cycling through the street and just feeling fucking chipper.
Dancing With The Stars (And Other Important National Issues)
as reviewed by this morning’s cab driver.
TAXI DRIVER: Dancing Wif The Stars, eh? I tell you, bloody Molly Meldrum is a deadset idiot. They should make him take his hat off. Oh yeah. ‘Nuff of that bald shit. I said to him “Molly, you are a DEADSET IDIOT. You’re the biggest fucken idiot out there, and everyone knows..”
ME: You said this to Molly Meldrum? When?
TAXI DRIVER: Nah, this is what I WOULD say to ‘im. And I’d be like “Meldrum, take ya fucken hat off, you stupid prick.”
ME: I see.
TAXI DRIVER: Simone Warne, geeeeeeeez. She’s not lookin’ for a boyfriend or nothin’, she juss wants to dance.
ME: Does she now?
TAXI DRIVER: Oh yeah. (whistles) But I tell you what, they’re gonna have to be fucken careful wif her.
ME: Why’s that?
TAXI DRIVER: Mate, if that fucken idiot judge starts on her, oh yeah. (whistles) They’ll be in trouble. Mate, if they think Shane Warne won’t come down there and fucken sort ‘em out, they’re kiddin’ themselves. Shane, mate, Shane won’t fucken like it if they start pickin’ on Simone. He’ll fucken take ‘em all out, no worries. After the fucken year she’s had, mate. You’d be a fucken mongrel to have a go.
ME: Yes.
TAXI DRIVER: Oh yeah. (whistles) And that bloke they got dancin’ wif her? Maaate, you ever seen that movie XXX?
ME: Yes.
TAXI DRIVER: NO, NOT THAT MOVIE! NOT THAT MOVIE!
ME: Okay.
TAXI DRIVER: The one wif… the bloke, big bloke.
ME: XXX?
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah. Mate, I reckon this bloke dancin’ wif Simone must be his bruvver, they look that fucken much alike. Bloody shoulders out to here (gestures with both hands, vehicle careers across road alarmingly) and bald, mate. Absolutely fucken bald like Vin Diesel. Anyway, mate - if they started on Simone, they wouldn’t just have to worry about Warney. Nah, this bloke, he’d fucken start layin’ into ‘em, don’t matter who’s in the road. (knowing chuckle).
TAXI DRIVER: Dicko was great when he was on the bloody show. He could dance, that bloke. Aww geeez, he was good.
ME: I heard that.
TAXI DRIVER: (ditching the topic of Dicko unexpectedly) The thing about Kate is, if that fucken idiot judge started up on her, mate - she’d just throw the microphone at him. Oh yeah. (whistles) Cos he wouldn’t just be takin’ her on, nah. He’d be taking on NOVA and all the radio stations.
ME: Indeed.
TAXI DRIVER: Who’s that fucken dipshit judge again?
ME: Todd McKenney?
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah, him. Mate, what a fucken tool. The way he got stuck into… little… you know… the… umm…
ME: Nikki Webster?
TAXI DRIVER: Fucken dreadful. Dreadful! Now, Vin Diesel, he wouldn’t take that shit. Him and Warney’d clean him up. That’d teach him a fucken lesson.
ME: I’m sure it would.
TAXI DRIVER: Tracey Bartram is six foot free, you know.
ME: No, I didn’t know.
TAXI DRIVER: If that fucken idiot judge started on her… Oh yeah. (whistles and then chuckles) She’d fucken clean him up no worries.
(someone on talk back radio mentions John Howard)
TAXI DRIVER: Fucken idiot.
(Alexander Downer’s voice can be heard)
TAXI DRIVER: And as for this fucken poonce, christ all fucken mighty.
ME: Not a fan of Downer then?
TAXI DRIVER: Mate, he fucken goes to the end of the fucken earth to get some sixty free year ol’ wif a dodgy ticker out of Iraq, BUT HE LEAVES POOR BLOODY SCHAPPELLE TO ROT!
ME: Mmmm.
TAXI DRIVER: Now, here’s what they should do. They should get that bloke who killed them six kids in Mildura, put him on a fucken plane to Denspazar and fucken just swap him. Give him to the Indos and get Schappelle home.
ME: (not entirely certain the Indonesian legal system would find this proposal feasible) Right. That would be… interesting.
TAXI DRIVER: Fucken right it’d be inneresting. It’d do Downer some good.
ME: Is he going too?
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea actually! Chuck Downer and Howard in wif the bloke who killed the six kids and get Schappelle home, that’s a pretty fucken decent plan! (guffaws at own cleverness).
FIN.
Posted by Jess at 10:29 AM Link | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)February 28, 2006
CAMERON DADDO APPRECIATION DAY COMING SOON!
It’s nearly time for ausculture.com’s favourite time of year… Cameron Daddo Appreciation Day. Celebrated on Cameron’s birthday - which, being the 7th of March, is next Tuesday - we like to take time out to reflect on Cameron’s stellar career, boyish good looks and all the great times Australia has had watching its baby-faced son conquer every challenge he sets himself.
Let’s go on a visual journey through the Antipodeon version of Matthew Broderick’s resume, shall we?
AWWW WHO’S A PRETTY BOY THEN - PERFECT MATCH RULEZ!
ROCKING OUT COUNTRY STYLE, IN YOUR FUCKING FACE KERNAGHAN!
CAM GETS ALL RETRO WITH ROO STEWART!!!!!!!
SOLVING A CRIME USING HIS INSTINCT AND ALSO FEELING SOMEWHAT CONSTIPATED. BONY 4EVS!
FROM THE MODELS INC YEARS!
Glorious.
Yes, it’s fair to say I have quite the soft spot for the world’s best Daddo. Whenever I am stuck in a perplexing situation, I like to think to myself “What Would Cameron Do?” and quick as a flash, I’ve either solved the problem or launched into an impromptu performance of Fifteen Minutes Of Fame (LOLROFL). And when it comes to filling in important forms like employment declarations and passport applications, well - that’s when he REALLY comes through. When I get stuck on the whole ‘date of birth’ bit, I mutter urgently under my breath “Cameron Daddo, Jess! Think DADDO!” and I can suddenly recall that I WAS ALSO BORN ON THE SEVENTH OF MARCH!
FIYA!
So how should YOU celebrate the 7th of March? If you’re anywhere but Melbourne, I would suggest you take a good ten minutes out of your day to light a candle and send positive thoughts Cam’s way.
HOWEVER.
If you are a Melbourne resident, here’s what you should - nay, MUST - motherchucking do on Tuesday night.
Go to The Tote.
Check out my new favourite band Lions & Tigers & Bears (OH MY INDEED!).
Then watch this man belt out hits like Boob Scotch…
… and scream “BOOM!” when he sings “The rockets go…” and oh, bounce up and down and dance a fair bit BECAUSE IT’S BOB LOG III and the fellow is a gem. And if you happen see a tipsy looking girl wearing a Justified Tour Satchel and a dreamy expression there, buy me her a drink or three.
It’s what Cameron would want, you see. You have a week to prepare.
OFF TOPIC! My ausculture email appears to be dead so apologies if you’ve sent something recently and there’s been no response. Hopefully it will give itself a much needed kick in the pants and be back working soon. Oh, and it looks like I will be filling in on Best Of The Brat tonight (10pm on RRR) with Pauly P and - god willing - Ms Bastow.
Posted by Jess at 8:25 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)February 27, 2006
A Decision Has Been Made
While I realise this will raise the ire of my beloved Matty B (Mr Tigers), dearest Clem (Ms Pies), witty Dave the St Kilda Supporter and all the countless other people who gave me advice over this difficult period of decision making, I have decided to go with…
Peter put forward a wonderful case - ably backed up by Jelly and Snaz and quite a few others - and frankly, the offer of a night with Ms Ukulele was simply too good to pass up. Heh. SJX no doubt thinks this is just fun and games BUT IT’S NOT! HAHAHA I AM ROBERT REDFORD TO LEE’S DEMI MOORE AND THIS IS ONE INDECENT PROPOSAL I PLAN ON MAKING THE MOST OF. Of course I jest… or do I?
Add to that my geographic ignorance when it comes to all things Victorian, and being able to simply say I support “Melbourne!” with a broad enthusiastic grin makes things a lot easier. I can move anywhere I like and my loyalties will not be tested.
Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and nuggets of wisdom - the Collingwood"your teeth will fall out!” stuff was both bewildering and deliciously hilarious - but I am sure you can understand my reasoning. Plus I just quite like the idea of being able to sit in the member’s box barracking for a team called The Demons.
Now all I really crave is a guernsey and a beanie which feature MY TEAM’S COLOURS - get my hands on these treasures and I will die happy.
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARN THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
Posted by Jess at 10:02 PM Link | Comments (22) | TrackBack (0)Naomi Robson & Bill Clinton Get “All Up” In Each Others “Grills”
So what happens when you put the host of Today Tonight (for those of you living under a rock, the show is the current affairs program of choice for all Australians suffering from severe brain damage after beating their already malformed heads against the bonnet of a Holden Commodore to the rhythm of Lee Harding’s latest single) and former US President Bill Clinton in a room together?
“He came up to me and said, ‘Hi, I have been watching you on TV’,” Robson said of their introduction.
“And I said, ‘Hi, I have been watching you on TV today, too’.
“He said, ‘You had a story tonight on heavy-set people. I really think that is a very important issue’.
“I was glad to get the seal of approval,” Robson said.
Astounding. In fact it’s almost as riveting as the conversation you’d hear if you happened to be around when a gangly and nervous fourteen year old lad sidles up to a perky-breasted, multi-coloured braces donning gal at a school dance and begins the typical “So… do you like… stuff?” conversation before asking her to jive awkwardly along with whichever hip hop tune is flavour of the month amongst ‘the kids’.
Naomi continues to spill her guts to News Ltd as follows…
“A really close friend who I met in London — he lives in Canada now — who I have known for about 20 years introduced us,” she said.
“He (the friend) got in contact with me via our website. He said he was coming to Melbourne and suggested we catch up.
“He did not tell me he was travelling with Bill Clinton. He (the friend) phoned me up and said he was going out for dinner with a friend and asked if I wanted to come along.
“There were some very entertaining, intelligent, well-versed people, so many impressive people at the table — obviously the president being one of them.
Oh Naomi. Where to start? Well, perhaps pointing out that Bill Clinton is NO LONGER THE FUCKING PRESIDENT is a good place to kick things off, you daft mole. Obviously.
Posted by Jess at 12:58 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)Just When I Thought I Couldn’t Loathe You More…
You come out with something like this.
JOHN Howard says the refugees he falsely accused of throwing their children in the sea deserve no personal apology because they did the next worst thing - “they irresponsibly sank the damn boat, which put their children in the water”.
I have two words for you, oh shameless stone-hearted cuntfaced midget borne of the depths of Satan’s bowels…
GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!
I hope you secretly have a sexual kink involving faeces eating and goats, and one day soon you choke mid steamy session AND THE WHOLE THING IS CAUGHT ON CAMERA BY TODAY TONIGHT AND THE ENTIRE NATION REALISES HOW REPULSIVE YOU ARE AND A DEVASTATED AND EMBARRASSED JANETTE GIVES NEW IDEA AN EXCLUSIVE TELL ALL INTERVIEW WHERE SHE DISCUSSES YOUR MINISCULE PENIS AT (FUCKING DIG THE IRONY, YOU WALKING HAEMORRHOID!!!!!) ‘GREAT LENGTH’.
PS: Had I not drunk so much beer at trivia, I might have been able to pen a slightly less offensively immature response. But bugger it. John Howard is a bum head to the max, times a million plus one (no returns).
Posted by Jess at 12:42 AM Link | TrackBack (0)February 26, 2006
Category 7: The End Of The World
I was sadly unable to watch this televisual tour de force this evening as I was too busy winning Hair Of The Dog Rock Trivia over at The Empress with Fluffy and the devastatingly charming Peter Glutbusters.
But THANK THE FUCKING LORD I have the explosive CLEMBASTOW in my life as her text message updates on the movie were, I suspect, somewhat better than the actual program itself. Please enjoy her step by step (or more accurately, SMS by SMS) guide to the flick.
8:05pm - Are you watching Category 7: End Of The World? AWESOME: Shannon Doherty is a scientist working in a strip club after losing her faith in Daddo… and her name is FAITH!
8:57pm - ROBERT WAGNER JUST GOT FRIED BY LIGHTNING, MID SERMON!
9:11pm - Did I tell you Shannon Doherty is a scientist working in a strip club after a loss of faith, called… FAITH!
10:13pm - OMG JOEY JEREMIAH!! PLAYING A TERRORIST! … I think
10:25pm - The White House just got arseraped by a super tornado - the pres got sucked up screaming “NOOOO” - that’s what you get when you don’t shut off power to the thermal plume, suckah!!
10:50pm - Oh no, random obnoxious kid is about to absolve himself through martydom… Or something. Terrorists, fires, jeez, when the hell does this end??
11:01pm - Now the power stations have exploded. Plucky Asian official and nerd geek have hooked up. My brain is dribbling out of my nose - must be a drop in air pressure!!
11:13pm - They shut off the power, and the storm STOPPED. And the kiddies escaped. “”but we have done more than just survive… We’ve changed as well. THANKS DAD.” AND RANDY QUAID AND SHANNON JUST MADE OUT! Cue fighter jets in formation over Washington’s remains. Oh. My. God. Ladies and gents, it’s been real. *flatline*
Genius. I do hope those of you who also missed out on seeing this moving tale on the small screen feel comforted by the above run down of the movie.
On behalf of ausculture.com readers - I salute you, Ms Bastow.
Posted by Jess at 11:54 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Eavesdropping.
Well, it’s not exactly eavesdropping, I suppose. It’s more “people talking so loudly I am forced to wake up and take note of what they’re saying”.
Whenever my neighbours have shindigs and someone needs have a deep and meaningful conversation with another special someone, they tend to pull them out of the party so as to avoid disturbing those attending the knees up, and drag them to the patch of road outside the apartment block next door - directly under my open bedroom window - and talk at a normal if not rather shouty volume level.
ANYWAY. I was woken up this morning around 7am by a pair of lads in their mid to late twenties having an emotional chat. From what I could gather, the first fellow was the peaceable, sensitive one who was trying to placate and calm his rather worked up friend who had obviously either gotten into a fight or was about thirty seconds away from launching into hardcore fisticuffs against some unknown (to me) enemy.
Here’s how the conversation went.
SENSITIVE BLOKE Mate, you’re above this. You’re too good for this.
RILED UP BLOKE (near tears) I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!
SENSITIVE BLOKE No, no. We’ve talked about this!
RILED UP BLOKE But I…
SENSITIVE BLOKE YOU’VE GOT TO CALM DOWN! You’ve got to be the bigger man.
RILED UP BLOKE (repeating in order to understand the concept) The bigger man.
SENSITIVE BLOKE That’s right. You shouldn’t let him get to you.
RILED UP BLOKE I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!
SENSITIVE BLOKE Mate, mate.. look at me. You trust me. Dude, please. Don’t start anything.
RILED UP BLOKE He just… why would he… I don’t want to be the bigger man. I want to…
SENSITIVE BLOKE NO, DUDE, NO! He’s annoyed everyone, we all know he’s a cockhead.
RILED UP BLOKE Yeah?
SENSITIVE BLOKE Of course! You don’t need to punch him, you just walk away, man. Walk away.
RILED UP BLOKE Even though he…
SENSITIVE BLOKE DUDE! HE’S THE KEYBOARDIST FROM THE FUCKING CAT EMPIRE AND HE’S PROUD OF IT! EVERYONE KNOWS HE’S A COMPLETE CUNT!
The pay off at the end was worth being woken up so early for, I feel.
Posted by Jess at 1:35 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)February 25, 2006
Tourism Australia Get Aggressive.
Check this story out (courtesy of theage.com.au)…
True blue or just plain blue? Tourism Australia swears its new colourful slogan - “So where the bloody hell are you?” - will work but the tourists it’s aimed at aren’t so sure.
The phrase was lost on Marjatta Soppanen, a Finn who lives in Sweden. “I don’t speak English very well,” she said. Catching up with old friends living in Melbourne, not advertising, was her reason for travelling.
Al Naeris from the United States was nonplussed by the colloquialism that even has the approval of Prime Minister John Howard. “It wouldn’t persuade me one way or another,” he said. “I always thought it was British.”
Frank Keillor of Canada liked the new slogan, part of a $180 million advertising campaign.
“Bloody hell, that’s something that we can relate to Australia,” Mr Keillor said.
I’m not entirely sure someone associating the words “bloody hell” with Australia is a good thing. Same goes with “torturous shithole” and “land of murderous rednecks”.
SLOGANS (UNFORTUNATELY) KNOCKED BACK BY TOURISM AUSTRALIA!
- Just pay for the fucken’ ticket and get your arse over here!
- What - too good for us, you snotty foreign bastards?
- You will be anally raped if you don’t visit Oz! (works well for Americans who will appreciate the anal rape\Oz reference due to the prison television show starring Luke Perry…)
- Come on cunts, we’re tops!
K-Fed’s Latest MySpace Bulletin
The man certainly has a beautiful way with words. I admire the fuck outta the little shit.
Yours,
Jess from Ausculture. Thats whats up.
Posted by Jess at 3:28 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)February 23, 2006
A Sporting Question.
Right.
As most of you would be aware, I recently (well, in October) moved to Melbourne from Sydney. I am trying dreadfully hard to get in the spirit of all things Victorian (frolicking on trams, ordering pots, etc) and have decided to throw myself head first into AFL fanaticism now that footy season is just around the corner.
Never mind the fact I barely know any of the rules - I watched The Club the other night, for fuck’s. I am all about marks and hand passes and the rest. I also developed a bit of a thing for Bob Jelly which made me feel weird, but I digress.
My only problem is the following… which team should I barrack for?
Bear in mind…
I would like my new team to be from somewhere around near where I live. This leaves me with Melbourne Demons, Richmond Tigers, Collingwood Magpies, North Melbourne Kangaroos, Carlton Blues and.. ummm… I think a few others.
Brisbane Lions are NOT an option.
A good song is incredibly important. Ms Fits assures me that the Richmond Tigers’ tune will not disappoint but I’m yet to hear it and thus am still up in the air about the whole thing. I do know the line ‘Good old Collingwood forever…’ but that’s about it as far as my knowledge of AFL team singalongs goes.
I am happy to support an underdog.
Spunky players are always a benefit but I’m not overly fussed about all that.
A good mascot is essential. Hence Tigers and Lions and Bombers sound rather nice, while Kangaroos and Blues don’t really float my boat.
Currently it’s looking like a tie between Richmond Tigers and Collingwood Magpies. My chum from Sydney, the charming Mr Jasper-Batson, is a hardcore Pies fan and I have heard enough about them over the last few years for me to have developed some sort of warped affection for the team. But Matty B has also put forward some brilliant and persuasive points in favour of Richmond.
Dave the Scotsman and I had brekky together this morning and his parting words were, in a charming Ewan McGregor-esque accent - “Ahh go fer Brisben, but the Tigers arh gud. But wha’evah yew dew, don gooh fer fookin’ Cawl-lingwud, fer fook’s sake!*”
I AM SO CONFUSED.
Can any Victorians and\or AFL supporters please give me some advice? I don’t have much time left to settle on a team and I need to start getting into bar fights over the honour of my club as soon as possible. Reasons for and against certain teams need not be logical or sports related.
*Dave, I apologise profusely for my hideous literary interpretation of your adorable Scottish brogue.
UPDATE: I put out a plea for advice on Triple R tonight and we got a few calls from people trying to help me find my way through this VERY DIFFICULT journey toward a team. My favourite caller was Glenn who rang up to sing me the Tigers song (the “YELLOW AND BLACK!” bit does sound rather appealing, especially when being warbled ‘down the line’) although the depressed sounding fellow who suggested North Melbourne Kangaroos “… because we need all the help we can get… (loud sigh)” certainly put forward a compelling argument.
Meanwhile, Clementine spent our off-air time trying to convince me to support the Pies and sang me the theme song for good measure. Then she told me a story of when the Collingwood cheer squad wee’d on the Adelaide team’s vehicles after a particularly gutting loss and I couldn’t decide if it impressed me or repulsed me. She also spoke highly of the flattering team colours.
Peter, Snazzy and Jelly have done a wonderful job pushing the Demons cause and I must admit, until today I don’t think I even KNEW THERE WAS A TEAM CALLED THE DEMONS. As it now appears to be a three-way tie between the Pies, the Tigers and the Demons, I’d say they’ve done a pretty good job.
But perhaps… just perhaps… my love of cheesecore and underdogs would mean I’d fit right in over at St Kilda.
I have, I believe, until Saturday to figure this out. Until then, please - all advice is welcome. I will announce my decision over the weekend and after that… WATCH OUT. I will be 110% behind my team. Unless I get bored of the whole thing (which I’m sure I won’t. Cough.)
All Filler, No Killer.
If Life Is A Designated Bicycle Lane, I Want To Ride It (All Night Long)
As I was leaving a dear friend’s house this evening, formulating a plan of attack regarding the confusing network of trams I would need to catch home, I was offered use of a bike. “Me?” I thought, “on a bike? Peddling through the streets in a long skirt? It’s crazy talk I tell you, crazy talk!”
My host persisted. She offered me a pair of black leggings (flared at the bottom, as being fashionable is still important even when one is exercising\travelling) and a helmet. She gave directions. She encouraged. I considered things very carefully. A bike could change things in my life. WAS I READY FOR IT?
You bet I was.
A SHAKY START!
First note when it comes to bike riding. When one is preparing to launch their journey on a two wheeled contraption, one should most definitely use any bike ramps available rather than battling their way awkwardly down stairs. The mocking laughter of my host\bike lender is still ringing in my ears.
BUT THEN!
Riding a bike is, as they say, just like riding a bike. After covering a few metres of road in an adorably wobbly manner, all my youthful cycling abilities came back to me. Soon I was gliding merrily down the main roads with the wind in my ears and my skirt haphazardly bunched around my arse.
RULER OF THE ROAD!
Traffic, you say? Motherchucker, traffic is for chumps. I zigged and zagged my way through automobiles, switching between the footpath and the road whenever the urge took me. I laughed in a condescending manner as I passed pedestrians. Slow, hideously unattractive pedestrians. WHY WOULD YOU WALK WHEN YOU CAN RIDE? RIDE LIKE THE WIND!
HANDY FOR QUICK ESCAPES!
Now, as a cycle enthusiast (RECENT CONVERT), I’m only truly happy when zooming down the open road on my bike - solo style. It gives me time to compose gut-busting one liners for the future benefit of associates as well as come up with ideas on how to make the world a happier, safer place. This is because I am always, always thinking of others.
But sometimes, one is forced by unfortunate circumstance (TRAFFIC LIGHTS, DEAD PEOPLE ON THE ROAD) to mix with the great unwashed bikeless members of society. I like to call them “pavement fleas” but that’s neither here nor there. Being stuck at a pedestrian crossing on the corner of Brunswick and Johnston Street on a Saturday night directly outside a shitty nightclub pumping out hideous dance music and overflowing with permatanned bogans dressed to the nines was not on my itinerary tonight, but fate can throw curve balls at you from time to time and you just have to go with it.
During the longest minute and a half of my life, a highly intoxicated gentlemen in his mid-thirties managed to focus his reddened eyes for just a moment and very obviously began admiring my slender legs and toned glutes. Bike riders are renown for their excellent physique and I, my friends, am no exception to the rule. Truly, the previous seventeen minutes of peddling had managed to really get my body in order.
I stared straight ahead, desperately wanting to avoid making accidental eye contact with Walks Unsteadily On Two Legs, but it was no help.
“Heeeeey,” the drunk slurred with a libidinous tone, ” thash a niiiiiiiiice bike sweetheart!”
“Thank you very much,” I responded pleasantly, as I am never one to forget my manners even when rolling my eyes.
Walks Unsteadily On Two Legs looked me up and down.
“Where are yer lights, darlin’?” he asked, no doubt trying to covertly touch himself at the same time.
“I don’t have them yet,” I explained, “as this is my first night on a bike. I will buy some shortly though.”
He considered this, then leaned in close and purred “.. ahhh, butchoo dohn NEED a lide, wif that schmile!”
“Because it brightens up the street?”
“Well… yeah!”
In a flash, my right foot hit the pedal and ignoring both the instruction of a stern little neon red man and oncoming traffic, I swiftly took off toward home. I could hear Walks Unsteadily On Two Legs yelling encouragingly in the distance “Thash great, schweehard! THERE YA GO, GOOD ON YA!” as I powered down the road. Sweet, sweet freedom!
BIKES ARE EASY TO STORE!
There are certain unfit types of folk out there who might have had difficulty carrying a mountain bike up two flights of stairs. In their case, there would be numerous incidents involving the bashing of shins against peddles, lower back strain and perhaps a jammed finger or two. But I am an athlete so I simply lifted the bike above my head with one arm and strolled up to my door.
As I glance to my left, I can see my loyal wheeled steed lying gently against a United Airlines life jacket, a one-armed doll with its skull kicked in hovering protectively nearby. Some might called this situation chaotic, bedraggled and yes, maybe even a little dangerous. But me? I just call it life*.
IN CONCLUSION!
I am all the fuck about bikes. I refuse from this point on to do anything or go any place where I can’t ride to get there. I will ride to work, I will ride to friends houses, and I will ride for pleasure. You may all refer to me as Lance Armstrong** as of now, if you like.
*Do you love this straight-from-a-movie-script line? Shizz.
**Because we are exactly the same person except for the fact one of us has testicles. No wait. We appear to be exactly the same person. I CAN’T BELIEVE I FUCKED AND LEFT SHERYL CROW!
Note - I wrote this for somewhere else a few weeks ago (hence the ‘this evening’ references) but hell - for those of you desperately bored and craving mind-numbingly tedious reading material, this may just have to do for now.
Posted by Jess at 3:26 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)“If I add Lee Harding that will be my Trifecta of Australian Idols” - KENNY IS BACK!
Regular readers may recall that late last year, ausculture.com became obsessed with a young man named Kenny. Not only did he pen utterly fantastic and deliciously mental fan letters about Kate DeAraugo to Sanity Customer Service, but his special brand of enthusiasm for the Australian Idol winner even warranted a mention from Dave Graney in an article for The Age.
Well guess what, fellow Kenny lovers?
HE IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE - AND THIS TIME… HE LOVES LEE HARDING TOO!
——-Original Message——-
From: Kenny ****
Sent: Sunday, 19 February 2006 1:43 AM
To: info@brazin.com.au; Sanity Customer Service
Subject: Virgin Megastore Melbourne and Sanity Doncaster: Instore Appearance
Dear Virgin Megastore Melbourne and Sanity Doncaster,
I am sending you an e-mail that I was frustrated that we missed out seeing Lee Harding at Virgin Megastore Melbourne and I felt that I was frustrated that Lee Harding didn’t get an Instore appearance at Myer Melbourne Virgin Megastore.
Last year I had a success with Kate DeAraugo at a Myer Melbourne Instore appearance and Virgin Megastore have missed out having Lee Harding for an Instore appearance and signing autographs. I was disappointed and upset that Lee Harding didn’t go to Virgin Megastore in Melbourne for an Instore appearance he is having then so I was disappointed that Virgin Megastore in Melbourne didn’t get the Instore appearance then so I wanted to know that is Lee Harding is having his Instores at Westfield Doncaster and at Virgin Megastore in Melbourne I am saying then I need to know that as soon as it happens so can you please respond to me as soon as possibile that when will Lee Harding is having an Instore appearance at Virgin Megastore Melbourne and Sanity Doncaster well I think for me if I add Lee Harding that will be my Trifecta of Australian Idols and he will be joining the fab 3 with me for my Idol Club on top of Rocky Lopervite and Kate DeAraugo so if Lee Harding comes to Virgin Megastore in Melbourne can you please let me know what date it is being annouced and when will Kate DeAraugo is having her another Instore appearance at Myer Melbourne and at Sanity Doncaster?
I have bought my CD Single Maybe Tonight and the Posters at home so it will be ready to be signed then I am saying then so e-mail me and let me know and give Sony BMG a call please to let me know then and Lee’s and Kate’s manager to let me know the dates announced for more Instores in Melbourne are: Kate DeAraugo Faded Released for her Instores Appearance in Melbourne Lee Harding Whats Wrong with this Picture Instore appearance in Melbourne
So can you please respond to me and pass on this e-mail to Sony BMG please I am saying then so let me know and respond to me please for an answer about the annoucement in Melbourne for Kate DeAraugo and Lee Harding and if I see Lee Harding he will join my ranks of meeting and greeting with Kate DeAraugo and Rocky Lopervite make sure he is having his Instores at Myer Melbourne so he will join my Idol Club Kate and Rocky and make it a Fab 3 or call it a Trifecta of Idols so I will look forward to hear from you soon about Instores for Lee and Kate.
Whether you’re of the opinion he’s a genuine nutter or if you’re inclined to believe there is some pilfering of piss going on here, one thing is for certain…
I AM SAYING THEN THAT KENNY HAS RETURNED AND THAT IS NICE AND THAT IS GOOD THEN I CAN SAY THEN.
It’s also a relief to confirm that Kenny is still turning up to every Kate DeAraugo appearance thus dramatically lowering the odds of him literally dying in the near future at the hands of Kate’s nefarious and ruthless management team.
Posted by Jess at 2:10 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)February 22, 2006
Just A Few More Things…
Coming Soon To Ausculture…
We haven’t done anything too thrilling around here for ages, but guess what we have planned? Do the words “AUSTRALIAN POP CULTURE QUIZ EXTRAVAGANZA” mean anything to you? Inspired by this quiz which left us feeling oddly unsatisfied, we’re in the midst of banging together a multiple choice quiz which will QUITE LITERALLY MAKE YOU DIE (OF JOY). We hope. It should be online within the next week. Please remain on the edge of your virtual seats until then.
Back On The Radio…
On Thursday night, Clemmy B and I will be pumping out another Top Ten special on RRR’s Max Headroom show. It’s on between 7pm and 8pm, and you can either tune in on 102.7 FM (if you live in Melbourne - if you’re anywhere else, I cannot be held responsible for what you hear) or stream it from the RRR website. It also looks like I’ll be joining Genny B and Pauly P on Best Of The Brat next Tuesday night from 10pm but I’ll confirm that a little closer to the day. There’s still plenty of time for them to find someone better between now and then.
Did You Know…
Bec Cartwright-Hewitt, my best internet friend, doesn’t just support charities involving Cambodian orphanages. If her MySpace profile is to be believed, she’s ALSO a supporter of Same Sex Equal Marriage Rights. COULDN’T YOU JUST EAT HER UP WITH A SPOON AND FORGIVE HER FOR THE ZILLION DOLLAR OVER-EXPOSURE CAMPAIGN CONDUCTED OVER THE PAST YEAR AND A BIT? I give the girl four and a half props, and a celebratory raising of the roof for good measure.
Warney Versus Bessie Bardot’s Rack
news.com.au has the scoop…
Sydney radio personality Bessie Bardot has obvious talents, but picking Shane Warne’s wrong’un is not among them. Warne found himself bowling to the former model at an indoor net in Sydney today as part of a promotional event. Bardot’s legs and hands were appropriately protected with pads and gloves as she faced the world Test wickets record-holder, but her upper body was not.
And considering her ‘upper body’ is probably her most prominent feature, this strikes me as rather foolish.
Warne tossed in a friendly wrong’un which ripped back from well outside off stump, bounced awkwardly and struck Bardot quite hard on the right breast. There were red faces all round but Bardot declared herself OK to carry on.
WHAT A TROOPER!
Warne apologised and, with cameras and reporters lurking, made sure he chose his words carefully. Later Warne asked Bardot if the ball had, indeed, hit her where he thought it did. “I think you might have hit them both,” she said, smiling.
From what I’ve heard of her extracurricular activities, I can quite vividly imagine Bessie being rather chuffed after getting a smack on the baps.
NOT REPORTED BY NEWS.COM.AU - WARNEY’S FOLLOW UP SMS APOLOGY.
besy soz abut da tits lol i ken masarj dem beta 4u ne tyme u lik!!! me v gud wit brests luv shane ps it lookd heeps lik u wer smuglin jelybens in ur bra wer u hapy2 c me or sumtin??? LOLOLOL!!1!
PS: Doesn’t the term “Warne tossed in a friendly wrong’un” sound like just about the most sexual thing ever? As estranged wife Simone would attest, Warney has made a bit of a habit of tossing in friendly wrong’uns - much to the delight of the tabloid media. KEEP YOUR TOSSING AND YOUR BALLS TO YOURSELF, WARNEY!
Posted by Jess at 12:52 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)Sex Tape Frenzy!
So I’m sure we’ve all heard about the Colin Farrell sex tape - am I right? I saw a few interesting stills from it the other week, but for those of you out of the loop… the full video is now online. Would you like to see? Would you?
ARE YOU OF AGE?
If so… click here to check it out.
Of course, the latest sex tape everyone’s talking about features Kid Rock and Scott Stapp. Scott who? Dude, the guy who used to front hideous band Creed! Just for one moment, imagine witnessing Mr Rock and Mr Stapp being blown by friendly groupies in the back of a tour bus.
To steal a phrase from Kate Idol’s publicity staff… TALK ABOUT HOTNESS PERSONIFIED!
(gauges out eyes with rusty blade)
Should you be a sucker for punishment and\or have no wish to make the beast with two backs for the next few years, click here to view an excerpt from the vid. It’s probably the best and cheapest contraceptive device around.
Posted by Jess at 12:51 AM Link | TrackBack (0)February 15, 2006
Kate DeAraugo’s Latest Press Release
Sydney, AU. (SONY BMG MUSIC Entertainment) - With her scorching new single ‘Faded’ tearing up the airwaves and hitting stores this Saturday, February 18, Kate DeAraugo is making a stack of special appearances including Spicks + Specks on the ABC tomorrow night, Sunrise on Monday, March 6 and single signings in Bendigo and Campbelltown! Talk about hotness personified! Our gorgeous 2005 Australian Idol winner Kate DeAraugo is back in 2006 and storming the airwaves with her cracking new single ‘Faded’ from her debut self-titled Platinum album, featuring a rocking new Kelly Clarkson-esque sound that we just can’t get enough of!
The single hits stores this Saturday, February 18 and in support of the release, Kate is making a stack of special appearances that fans will literally die if they miss.
On the TV front, Kate will be appearing on the super excellent ABC music show Spicks and Specks tomorrow night (Wednesday, February 15) at 8.30pm as one of the guest panellist for their very first show in 2006. This is going to be quite a riot as mayhem and madness generally prevails on the show, so make sure you’re tuned in.
Kate will also be returning to the Channel Seven’s Sunrise in Sydney to perform ‘Faded’ on Monday, March 6 - tune in at 7.50am to hear her belt this amazing song out or better yet, get along and show your support at Martin Place. Kate will be signing copies of the single straight after her performance at the Sunrise store, so make sure you bring along your copy to get her autograph.
Finally, big update and we know this is the one fans have been waiting for! Kate is now confirmed to do two extra appearances to meet fans and sign copies of the ‘Faded’ single. Get the dates and times below and get along:
Kate DeAraugo Appearances (Note that Kate performs TWO SONGS ONLY at each appearance. No encores etc possible)
Saturday, February 18 - Queens Baton Relay Event, Bendigo, VIC
Downtown in conjunction with Sanity
2.00pm - Performance
2.20pm - Signing side of stage
Saturday, February 26 - MacArthur Square, Campbelltown, NSW
In conjunction with Dick Smith,
12.30pm - signing only
Kate’s new single ‘Faded’ in stores everywhere Saturday, February 18
END OF RELEASE
The single hits stores this Saturday, February 18 and in support of the release, Kate is making a stack of special appearances that fans will literally die if they miss.
On the TV front, Kate will be appearing on the super excellent ABC music show Spicks and Specks tomorrow night (Wednesday, February 15) at 8.30pm as one of the guest panellist for their very first show in 2006. This is going to be quite a riot as mayhem and madness generally prevails on the show, so make sure you’re tuned in.
Kate will also be returning to the Channel Seven’s Sunrise in Sydney to perform ‘Faded’ on Monday, March 6 - tune in at 7.50am to hear her belt this amazing song out or better yet, get along and show your support at Martin Place. Kate will be signing copies of the single straight after her performance at the Sunrise store, so make sure you bring along your copy to get her autograph.
Finally, big update and we know this is the one fans have been waiting for! Kate is now confirmed to do two extra appearances to meet fans and sign copies of the ‘Faded’ single. Get the dates and times below and get along:
Kate DeAraugo Appearances (Note that Kate performs TWO SONGS ONLY at each appearance. No encores etc possible)
Saturday, February 18 - Queens Baton Relay Event, Bendigo, VIC
Downtown in conjunction with Sanity
2.00pm - Performance
2.20pm - Signing side of stage
Saturday, February 26 - MacArthur Square, Campbelltown, NSW
In conjunction with Dick Smith,
12.30pm - signing only
Kate’s new single ‘Faded’ in stores everywhere Saturday, February 18
END OF RELEASE
My beloved Fop and I discussed this press release at length this afternoon. Here are some things we noted, and hope you did too.
“Talk about hotness personified!”
Clearly there’s a blogger out there - possibly me after too many drinks - who has been employed to pump out these sorts of statements for Ms de Rouge. It reeks of feverish interweb zealousness. That said, I do love the enthusiastic way they’ve taken to referring to Kate. I think I shall adopt ‘TALK ABOUT HOTNESS PERSONIFIED!’ as my new response to every SMS I receive. It shall replace my current standard reply which is the nonsensical “Mother. Wife. President. Geena Davis IS… COMMANDER IN CHIEF.”
“A rocking new Kelly Clarkson-esque sound!
In no way should this be taken to mean that Kate is a cheap knock off of the American Idol winner.
“Note that Kate performs TWO SONGS ONLY at each appearance. No encores etc possible”
This strikes both Fop and myself as rather strict. It sounds as though Kate’s management have her on a tight leash. She wants to sing more than two tunes, but ol’ Colonel Tom Parker has her by the short and curlies (ie: “Anything more than Maybe Tonight and Faded and you’ll never see Bendigo again!”)
And even the idea of an encore (etc) is IMPOSSIBLE? Why - are Kate’s vocal chords removed after the second tune, thrust into an esky full of dry ice and quickly driven to the next in-store location whilst poor old mute Kate is left to sign autographs for twelve year olds and Kenny? SOMEONE NEEDS TO ALERT THE AUTHORITIES!
“Kate is making a stack of special appearances that fans will literally die if they miss. “
Well, this just takes the cake. FANS WILL LITERALLY DIE if they don’t turn up.
THEY WILL LITERALLY DIE.
Are things so desperate over at Camp DeAraugo that her people have taken to sending out threats of physical violence? Are they sitting in DeAraugo Office Towers counting down the days till “show time” on the Far Side calendar pinned to the wall, sharpening their knives, loading their guns and preparing to slaughter ANY FAN OF KATE’S WHO FORGETS TO TURN UP TO THE SPECIAL APPEARANCES?
Try to visualise. A little lass named Madison - only eleven years old, for god’s sake - is merrily walking home after spending the previous evening at her friend Tegan’s house. She’s listening to Kate’s latest single on her iPod Mini and clutching three or four books which she has lovingly covered in pictures of Kate she carefully cut out from copies of the official Australian Idol magazine. She can’t make it to MacArthur Square at lunch time because her parents are making her visit her ailing grandparents in Kirrawee and they’re leaving as soon as she gets home.
She turns into her street.
Suddenly - the screeching of wheels!
A black sedan with tinted windows makes its rapid approach toward Madison. She can’t hear anything, the howling of Kate belting out her debut single filling her tiny ears.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The car speeds off. Lying in the gutter is Madison, blood trickling from the corner of her mouth. You can’t see the bullet wounds in her back but the ever-increasing puddle of blood beside her assures you of their existence. Near her feet is a note which was thrown from the car right after the shots were fired. Three words in thick black type are visible even from several metres away…
YOU WERE WARNED
Yes, fans will indeed “literally die” if they miss out on seeing Kate. Ignore her impending live appearances at your peril.
Posted by Jess at 8:20 PM Link | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)URGENT TOM & KATIE UPDATE!
Apparently they are FINISHED!
OVER!
Good lord, once they knocked her up I figured she’d be on contract for at least the next five years. If this is indeed true, what on earth happened? More updates as they come to hand and I am back home and ready to blog about ‘em.
Thanks for the heads up, Jo!
UPDATE ON UPDATE - They’re denying any split.
Posted by Jess at 1:12 PM Link | Comments (4)Time For The Truth - A Guest Post By Danna Vale
Many people are up in arms over my comments expressing concern over the evil abortion pill the Labor movement (and rogue sluts in my own party, for goodness sake!) are, at the request of Omar Shariff, trying to ensure is forcefed to pregnant white Christian women. Some are even calling my views on the topic “ignorant” and “racist”.
Well let me tell you, it takes a lot to pull the wool over Danna Vale’s eyes and there are a few things people should know about the DEATH69 pill and the Muslamic ‘religion’ as a whole before they start throwing insults in my direction.
FACT - Muslamic people killed over a million diggers in Gallipoli - a small town west of Poland - during World War II.
FACT - Tamsyn Lewis slipped a DEATH69 pill into Jana Pittman’s Gatorade a week ago. This fiendish incident not only left Jana unable to do her country proud on the track, but also aborted her and Cathy Freeman’s superbaby which had been planted in Jana’s womb by the Australian Institute of Sport.
FACT - The head of the Muslamic movement, Pastor Salman Rushdie, has urged Anthony Mundine to perform acts of terrorism during the Melbourne Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony.
FACT - The DEATH69 pill passes through the average white female’s body in twenty four hours, raping and pillaging the womb like a hyperactive Viking, before slipping out early in the morning and never calling again. In order to stay alive, it must then seduce a new womb in a seedy downtown bar within the next forty eight hours and repeat the earlier process. It can carry on this cycle for up to six months, which is the point the DEATH69 pill’s manufacturers expect its batteries to run out.
FACT - Muslamists grow beards twice as fast as whites. This is because they murder, cook and eat blue heeler cattle dogs non-stop for a week during their Muslamist New Year celebration called Ramada. They have created giant kitchens disguised as hotels around the country to ensure no one goes hungry.
FACT - Izzy Hoyland is a Muslamist, and she is responsible for breaking up Karl and Susan Kennedy.
So take it from Danna Vale, the most informed and logical politician in Canberra…
A VOTE FOR THE DEATH69 PILL IS A VOTE FOR OSARMA BEN GURION AND HIS MERRY BAND OF KITTEN DROWNING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
Kind regards,
Danna Vale.
Posted by Jess at 12:40 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)February 14, 2006
More Love Than You Can Poke A Stick At *
Ah yes, readers - it’s that time of year again. Prepare yourselves for an onslaught of crudely constructed - and perhaps if you’re very lucky, just plain crude - text message pictures, gooey declarations of love between people with names like Pumpkin Bum and Poobear in the papers, and as far as the eye can see there’ll be acne-speckled adolescents frantically tonguing each other on street corners as heart-shaped balloons on sticks and wilting single roses stick awkwardly out of the school bags they hastily discarded at their feet when the hormones struck.
Today will be the first time since 2000 that I’ve been sans paramour on Valentines Day. After a brief investigation of single lady blogs from across the globe, I have discerned that this means through out this February 14th, I must flick between feeling burning rage toward anyone in a happy relationship to crushing depression and loneliness. My melodramatic Piscean side is literally doing backflips of joy at the prospect. AN EXCUSE TO DRINK TOO MUCH AND PASS OUT WHILE LISTENING TO WHISKEYTOWN RECORDS? Ow, stop twisting my arm!
I jest, of course. Besides, I was never much good at being squired by lads. Whenever I’ve received a bunch of flowers from a boy in the past, my immediate reaction has not been “Oh my goodness, how sweet, for me? Lover, you shouldn’t have - but I am so glad you did!” but rather “Where’d you get these from? Did you buy them? You can tell me if you just found them somewhere. I don’t mind. No really. So you bought these for me? (narrowing of eyes) And why these flowers? You know, if it was someone’s birthday at the office and they let you take home the flower arrangement, just spit it out. DON’T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE, WHY WOULD YOU BUY ME FLOWERS? HUH?”
Despite being single, I have high hopes for today. My fingers are still crossed that Kevin Federline will send out a MySpace bulletin referencing the “fiya” in his heart for all his fans. And if Bec Cartwright bangs out a poem and shoots it round - well, needless to say I WILL FALL OVER AND DIE OF HAPPINESS.
Until then - have a wonderful\exquisite\at the very least tolerable Valentines Day, dearest readers! Much, much love to all the clever, generous, intelligent and sexy people who have made my first five months in Melbourne a sheer delight. And much inappropriate cyber interstate love to all the spunks back in Sydney - I miss you desperately but am too poor to visit so COME DOWN HERE.
xx
*And she’d probably let you, too.
VD TALLY UPDATE
1 x card in the mail (from Fluffy - probably the only Valentine I’ll ever recieve which contains the word ‘cunty’. Thank you my dearest girl!)
1 x picture text from Vodafone (A CORPORATION WITH HEART, AWW ETC)
1 x comment on MySpace profile from BEC FUCKING CARTWRIGHT (WOOOO YEAH CAN YOU FEEL IT?)
February 10, 2006
Interesting News (Via Spam)!
I say if someone is going to email me and try to sell me pharmaceuticals, they’d better be supplying me with a tasty slice of gossip at the same time. Naturally then, I was chuffed beyond words when I received the following message not ten minutes ago.
Everybody knows the great sexual scandal known as “Klinton-Levinsky”.
Ah yes, the old Klinton-Levinksy tale - say no more, mon amour.
After the relations like this Klintons popularity raised a lot!
Along with a few other things, no doubt.
It is a natural phenomenon, because Bill as a real man in order not to shame himself when he was with Monica regularly used Voagra.
Voagra? Really? How fascinating! Please, tell me what occurred when Bill Klinton used the never-before-heard-of drug Voagra whilst having relations with Monica Levinsky?
What happened you see. His political figure became more bright and more attractive.
Yes, that’s exactly what I remember happened at the time, except back then I had no idea Voagra was the secret to his more bright and more attractive political figure!
It is very important for a man to be respected as a man!
Word to that.
Lee Harding Talks Punk…
CFB Goes Pop have outdone themselves this time. They’ve managed to get superstar punk rocker Lee Harding to give them the lowdown on the history of punk and frankly? It is superb.
Lee talks about The Sex Pistols…
The Sex Pistols are the l33t band in the history of Punk! PUNK! The Sex Pistols were formed by legendary manager Steve McLaren, who later managed Middlesbrough at soccer (soccer sucks - ROCK!). Comprising of John Awful and Sid Vicious (who later went on to wrestle professionally!) and some other blokes, they invented punk (and me!)…MUM! I DON’T WANT A CUP OF MILK! SHUT UP!…anyway, they invented PUNK! They had a huge hit with their song, God Save Queen! Queen had been around for 25 years, and the nation of england was celebrating 25 years of Freddie Mercury having hits, but the Sex Pistols said PUNK and protested, because they didn’t like Brian Mays haircut.
Lee talks about The Clash The Cash….
IRONIC! The Cash were a band that DID NOT like money! AMAZING! PUNK! WOOT! They gave all their money to fashionable left wing causes like Amnesty, Peta and Levi Jeans. They had a famous and mega hit called Londons Calling, which was all about the newly invented television and another huge hit called Should I Stay Or Should I Go!
It is amazing and you must go and revel in Lee’s masterful knowledge of music AT ONCE by clicking here.
Posted by Jess at 2:46 PM Link | Comments (86) | TrackBack (0)I Had A Dream.
And since I’m a Pisces and extremely psychic, this could be the showbiz scoop of the century.
Travelling through the Californian desert with various celebs INCLUDING A PREGNANT KATIE HOLMES, a mysterious illness struck the party. Actors and actresses were lying in the sand writhing around in agony. I think I saw Oprah in a bad way, but my own health wasn’t the best so I may be wrong.
I noticed Katie approaching a sweating, desperately ill man on his side, clutching his knees against his chest. It was JOSHUA JACKSON. Overcome with concern, Katie began wiping his forehead, administering comforting kisses to the top of his head when suddenly… THEY KISSED PROPERLY.
The Scientology spell was broken! A showbiz insider appeared out of nowhere and whispered in my ear “Uh-oh. Tom’s not going to be happy about this. She’s done for.”
Katie and Joshua didn’t care.
I spied Tom Cruise resting against a wagon not three metres away. His expression? Not sadness, not disbelief, but anger. I knew I had to help Joshua and Katie before they were e-metered to death.
Somehow I got them back to LA where we found a cheap hotel room to hide out from the Scientologists. There we attempted to formulate a plan of action.
Joshua insisted he wanted to raise the baby with Katie, and she confirmed she wanted nothing to do with Tom or the L Ron Hubbard posse. This pleased me. I insisted they move to Australia, a country where anyone who has left Tom Cruise is immediately clutched to the emotional bosom of the nation’s people.
Then I said “You know what you guys need to do? Be like Heath and Michelle. I like their approach to parenthood.”
Joshua and Katie agreed that Heath and Michelle were fine examples of young Hollywood parents, although Joshua did express concern over rumours Michelle hadn’t been breastfeeding little Matilda Ledger. I reassured him that I had recently read an article where Michelle discussed the ins and outs of breastfeeding with a reporter, and this appeared to please him.
He and Katie looked very much in love, and she seemed ecstatic about finally escaping the grip of Mr Cruise. Naturally, I had become their closet confidant and they begged me to become the godmother of the little one. I smiled and said “Hey, if I can do it for Rocco, Apple and Matilda, I’d be honoured to do it for little Jessie. Honoured…”
IS THIS A SIGN OF THINGS TO COME?
IS KATIE GOING TO BE REUNITED WITH HER LOST LOVE PACEY?
AND WHILE WE’RE AT IT, WILL JUSTIN AND BRITNEY EVER GET IT TOGETHER?
DID I DRINK TOO MUCH BLACK COFFEE BEFORE BED LAST NIGHT?
Posted by Jess at 1:55 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)February 9, 2006
A Couple Of Things.
It’s been an interesting and eventful day in the personal world of yours truly, but lord knows y’all ain’t interested in stuff about me so just take my word for it, motherchuckers.
BUT!
Here are a few things which have kept me amused\captivated\disturbed\doubled over with laughter this afternoon.
MESS AND NOISE LURKING
I love to silently stroll my way through the Mess and Noise forums from time to time, and after receiving a heads up from my Halfwit Vision sponsor, I leapt online this afternoon to bask in the wonder of Fashion Hayley. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go and frolic in the M&N threads. I really, truly want to believe it is someone being clever and deliberately comedic however all signs indicate otherwise…
JANA PITTMAN VERSUS TAMSYN LEWIS
Good lord, female athletes getting feisty toward each other - it’s the rowers all over again! This Heckler piece on smh.com.au is rather delightful - Jana’s Intercepted Emails. Enjoy.
FRANCESCA ANNIS AND RALPH FIENNES SPLIT
Yes, I am aware that I am possibly the only person in Australia under fifty who gives a shit about this. Poor Francesca, she’s rool purdy and my sister was named after her so IT’S PRETTY MUCH LIKE WE’RE RELATED AND THUS ITS NORMAL THAT I CARE AND YOU CAN ALL JUST QUIT JUDGING ME NOW.
PETE DOHERTY - NOT IN JAIL
It would appear he’s the luckiest crackhead in the world after escaping prison time for drug possession, although he will need to attend rehab. As the ever-brilliant No Rock&Roll Fun put it…
…quite where the State feels it can succeed where the combined efforts of some Tibetan monks, Dot Cotton off Eastenders, Carl Barat, Kate Moss, the richest doctors in Arizona, stomach implants, Alan McGee and the goodwill of thousands of fans have failed isn’t clear.
Touche.
IS IT WRONG THAT THIS MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD FOR TEN MINUTES?
From the Wikipedia entry for The Seekers…
Seekers reunited again for the closing ceremony of the Sydney 2000 Paralympic Games on 29 October 2000, with a performance of The Carnival Is Over. They were apparently approached to perform at the closing ceremony of the main games, but unfortunately an injury to Judith Durham (a broken hip) made this impossible, so the band performed at the Paralympics instead, with Judith singing from a wheelchair.
Bear in mind that I’ve been in a strange mood lately, and reading the following passage in the write-and-tell-us-about-the-stupid-things-your-cute-oddly-named-children-have-said section of New Idea also made me guffaw. For all the wrong reasons. Yes, because I changed a few words in my head.
SPOT ON - I asked Master Seven what position he played on his hockey team. “Bent over with a stick in my hands,” he replied.
With my subtle revisions, it could be an apt description of the weekend activities of some people I know.
HEATH PROBABLY TO BE DENIED OSCAR GLORY
Or at least that’s the opinion of the gamblers, and those crazy kids have the lowdown on everything. What is the matter with these people? HE WAS A CLENCHED FIST, FOR FUCKS! Also - he and Michelle Williams are adorable. The end.
HUMOUR KEEPS MAN ALIVE
Robert Hewitt, a deep sea diver, survived three days in chilly water off New Zealand’s north island and says it was his sense of humour that got him through it. I scanned the article but there’s no mention of him reciting the old “What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in water?” joke outloud whilst adrift.
This tale does somewhat remind me of a rather dangerous moment when I leapt off the famed rocks at, erm, South West Rocks - only to hear the punchline of a long joke that had been retold while we were all waiting for a suitable wave as I was mid-air. I spent the next three minutes struggling to avoid drowning as I inhaled salt water during the ensuing fit of hysterics. For those who care about these things, the punchline was “Bob and the kids are dead, dead, dead!”.
FINALLY, THIS IS JUST A PISS-FUNNY BLOG POST
Oh Mr Glutbusters, you are a very very brilliant man.
And there you have it. Some random stuff.
Hopefully things’ll start getting back to normal around here after today.
Posted by Jess at 7:45 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Britney Sprung Driving With Sean Preston On Her Lap
Everyone’s getting all up in Brit’s grill over her going for a spin in Malibu with chubby-cheeked four month old Sean Preston Spears-Federline perched on her thighs.
Personally I can’t work out what all the fuss is about.
Changing gears is hard, y’all! Makes perfect sense for her to recruit the wee bairn for a bit of help! And look at him go, a frown of deep concentration etched into his cherubic features! I haven’t seen intense, passionate focus like that since Kevin Federline took the world step by step through the magic behind his song Popozao.
THAT’S FIYA!
Posted by Jess at 12:18 AM Link | TrackBack (0)February 8, 2006
The Jack Awards
It’s (STILL) kudos season, kids - and that means it’s time for ausculture.com to suggest you go and vote a certain way for a certain award.
TODAY’S VOTING SUGGESTION OF CHOICE!
The Jack Awards
Adorable and strapping young fellow Pat Bourke from Dallas Crane has been nominated for Best Bass Guitarist. Go and vote a gazillion times for him, please. He deserves a delightful ‘pat’ on the back for his fine achievements as the throbbing pulse of Dallas Crane. Or something along those lines…
Posted by Jess at 6:19 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)February 6, 2006
Dannii Minogue Goes Lez For An Evening.
And she certainly appears to be having a cracking time of it.
POP idol Dannii Minogue has been caught on camera in a lesbian romp with a naked lapdancer at a London club.
The CCTV security at the Puss In Boots nightspot recorded every second as superstar Kylie’s little sister broke strict NO TOUCHING rules to writhe in lust while the busty blonde stripper pleasured her.
Check out the whole story here.
I fully approve of Dannii’s enthusiastic Sapphic behaviour. In fact, this story has cheered me up no end - I’ve been a bit traumatised ever since inadvertently stumbling across nakie photos of Tempany Deckert this afternoon.
ON ANOTHER NOTE
I know I’ve been a bad, lame blogger. I know. I KNOW. But I have other stuff on my mind - namely locating re-smokable cigarette butts and working out the best way to prepare plain rice with curry powder and making it appear like a half-decent meal.
NEVER FEAR THOUGH - I shall receive three shiny pennies tomorrow and once my belly is full and my lungs are chockers with carcinogens, I vow to make a decent attempt at blogging - old-school style.
As Kevin Federline would say… FIYA!
Posted by Jess at 11:00 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)February 3, 2006
This Is A Work Of Genius.
Brokeback Mountain is SO last week.
The new “must see” movie of 2006 is Brokeback To The Future.
Check out the trailer here.
Via ONTD.
Posted by Jess at 3:58 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)‘The Covers’ Make Their Stage Debut
So remember late last year where we asked you to suggest a set-list for a hypothetical band?
Well, that band - cleverly named The Covers - played their first show last night. It was top secret due to both members of the group (Genny B and I) shitting ourselves senseless about it, otherwise you would have received an invite. Swears.
We only had time for a few songs but HERE’S WHAT WE DID.
- Arctic Monkeys - (I Bet That) You Look Good On The Dance Floor
- Olivia Newton John - Physical (with snippets of Pussycat Dolls “Don’t Cha” after the first chorus and Snoop & JT’s “Signs” after the second)
- Madonna - Hung Up
- The Strokes - Last Nite (COUNTRY-FIED)
- Augie March - One Crowded Hour
It was truly awe-inspiring to see Genny B, running late after a leisurely dinner at the divine I Carusi in Brunswick, leap upon the stage and grab a mic in time to launch into “YOU AIN’T NO G!” in the middle of Physical.
After the gig we became a three piece, grabbed a bottle of wine from the liquor store and went home to learn Total Eclipse Of The Heart. We may be playing in a few weeks and now that the on-stage cherry poppin’ is over with, we’ll give you a heads up in case you are COMPLETELY BORED AND HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.
PS: GIVE US MORE SUGGESTIONS OF SONGS TO COVER, I BEG OF YOU!
Posted by Jess at 3:38 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Ashton Kutcher - Letting It All Hang Out.
Not sure if this is the work of Photoshop or if it really is Mr Demi Moore but GOODNESS ME, etc!
Click for the NSFW version.
Via Popbitch
Posted by Jess at 3:30 PM Link | TrackBack (0)January 31, 2006
One Last Thing…
We totally forgot about this on Saturday but ausculture.com turned two years old on the 28th January. Soon we will be toilet trained and making leaps and bounds in the world of hand-eye coordination. We hope.
Ausculture - pictured celebrating another year of shambolic internerd existence
Muchos thanks to all our regular readers, the charming folk who have linked to us over the years and anyone who has ever bothered to email us - be it hate or love related. We’re a bit shit with replies but it really is nice to hear from you. Especially all the single Belorussian ladies out there - this next year of half-arsed blogging is especially for you x
Posted by Jess at 3:04 AM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)Australian Blog Awards…
The winners have been announced so make sure you head over to Collective Apathy and check out who came up trumps this year. It’s a good chance to discover some of the newer blogs you may not have heard of and it’s always heart-warming in a totally saccharine Family Ties sense to see the growing number of Aussie sites out there.
Well done to all the victorious blogs!
PS: On the topic of blogs, Daniel Boud took some wicked snaps of rock’n’roll royalty Iggy Pop at the Big Day Out - head straight to the Hot Photogroper’s site and check ‘em all out.
Posted by Jess at 2:48 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)MySpace Gives Ausculture The Showbiz Scoops.
Did you know Bec Cartwright has been encountering some LESS THAN NICE people online?
As a personal friend of hers (and Lil Kim and K-Fed and the Spice Girls…) I am disappointed. Disappointed but also rather pleased that I have received the INSIDE STORY straight from Cartwright Towers via the magic of MySpace bulletins.
Click for bigger.
This means it was the REAL BEC who originally added me as a MySpace friend. Our chummery is something long overdue, especially when you consider that ausculture.com was promoting and worshipping her cleft chin long before it became fashionable post-Hewitt relationship.
Posted by Jess at 1:40 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Some SNL-Related Stuff For Your Web Viewing ‘Pleasure’
Being sans Foxtel these days (and a working television, for that matter), I must rely on the best clips from Saturday Night Live going up online for me to get my required weekly hit of Tina Fey genius and other assorted gems. Actually, it’s not a bad way to do things - SNL sketches are notoriously hit and miss so the ones people actually bother to put on the web are usually the best of the recent stuff. Booyah!
Here are a few delightful things for you to watch when you’re bored.
The Chronic Of Narnia Rap - Not just insanely catchy - this clip has led me to develop a bit of a crush on young Andy Samberg. Sigh. Thank the Showbiz Gods he doesn’t resemble Ray Romano, an unfortunate facial issue which put an end to lusty feelings growing for Zach Braff. The Braff-Romano similarities were something The-Man-Formerly-Known-As-Housemate-Ol pointed out in what I found to be a bittersweet moment of genius.
A Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler - I know it’s a personal choice everyone needs to make in their own time BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE, THESE TWO WOMEN ARE THE BEST EVER UPDATE HOSTS IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING. Tina Fey is my new best friend (it’s a one-sided relationship, I know, but the love is there. I can feel it) and Amy Poehler is just… oh lord. She’s just ace. In the episode linked, Rachel Dratch is pants-wettingly great and the Bitch Fight News Quiz bit is fantastic. But let’s focus for a moment. Tina Fey. Can we all ensure we take a moment out of each day to worship her appropriately? Do I need to start a cult of some sort? You bring the Kool-Aid and I’ll sort out the sleeping arrangements.
Justin Timberlake doing Ashton Kutcher - Sadly not in the Brokeback Mountain sense, but still. I love this sketch oh so much. I spent far too long a few nights ago on the phone to my other DJ half just flinging the words “I’M ASHTON KUTCHER! I’M AWESOME!” back and forth. This has replaced our previous favourite celebrity-impersonation-stolen-from-SNL which was…
Maya Rudolph as Christina Aguilera - The hilarity factor of “Tina, boo… iss like, whatever, you know? I’m an arh-iss. I ain’t nobody’s puppet or muppet…” has been stretched rather thin due to constant overuse but that ain’t the brilliant Maya Rudolph’s fault. And if you can get your hands on her portraying Diana Ross in prison (“They took away my emery board and my hot-comb. I’m freakin’ out, TI-NAAA!”) then do it. DO IT NOW.
RANDOM MAYA RUDOLPH FACT! She’s Minnie Ripperton’s daughter!The Bush Twins - My darling Nads and I laughed far, far too hard at this sketch over the Christmas period. Amy Poehler - she of the above Weekend Update fame - is Nads’ new lez crush and if things don’t work out between them\me and The Fey, I’m next in line.
So there you have it. Plenty to watch on a quiet Tuesday, eh?
OH ALRIGHT, ONE MORE.
- Weekend Update Mother’s Day Special - Wait for the end and marvel at the Goddess Fey’s booty dancing.
Ausculture Mix CD Competition - WINNERS!
That’s right, there’s more than one!
(puts on calming kindergarten teacher voice)
And if I had my way, you’d all be winners and receive a compilation CD from us friendly folk at ausculture.com Headquarters.
(returns to normal blog voice)
But I’ve only got two blank discs left so it ain’t going down like that, y’all.
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your virtual hands together for…
LE DRIVER!
and….
MISTER NORA!
Big ups and much raising of the roof to you, gals. I respectfully ask that you email me and send me your postal address post haste so I can get ya prizes to you.
Thanks to everyone who entered. Let’s do this again, eh?
Posted by Jess at 1:25 AM Link | TrackBack (0)Ausculture Mix CD Competition - WINNERS!
That’s right, there’s more than one!
(puts on calming kindergarten teacher voice)
And if I had my way, you’d all be winners and receive a compilation CD from us friendly folk at ausculture.com Headquarters.
(returns to normal blog voice)
But I’ve only got two blank discs left so it ain’t going down like that, y’all.
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your virtual hands together for…
LE DRIVER!
and….
MISTER NORA!
Big ups and much raising of the roof to you, gals. I respectfully ask that you email me and send me your postal address post haste so I can get ya prizes to you.
Thanks to everyone who entered. Let’s do this again, eh?
Posted by Jess at 1:25 AM Link | TrackBack (0)Prepare For A Posting Frenzy.
Sorry about the EXTREME absence from the internerd, gang. I’ve been distracted by good things, bad things, work and the excruciatingly hot sauna-like conditions of Melbourne.
But that’s over now. Shush. Dry your eyes, mate etc.
Posted by Jess at 1:22 AM Link | TrackBack (0)January 23, 2006
I Am Still A Bit Fragile Today…
… after Sherriff\Kranki\Fluffy\Snaz\Every Capricorn Motherfucker In Town’s* birthday hi-jinx at The Retreat on Saturday night. So very broken.
Daniel Boud flew down for twenty four hours of mayhem, the lady DJs were all incredibly spunky AND played some great tunes, Gin & Juice (ie myself and Genny B) played our first ever set - you’ll be pleased to hear Japanese pop star Bonnie Pink’s cover of Ordinary Angels was an unexpected dance-floor hit thrilling bar staff and original performers alike, and let’s not even start on the reaction to the Smells Like Bootylicious mash up. Kranki carved up the dance-floor with his ‘phat’ American moves and Born Dancin’ showed the world a thing or two about crumping, while Fop oozed sex appeal and lustiness to the point where even yours truly felt tempted to have a bash at him - or at least dance wildly with him from time to time. And there were more bloggers there than you could poke a stick at so may I add it was lovely to meet so many new people and put faces to words.
So how does one recover from such a shindig the following day bearing in mind it’s five zillion degrees outside and moving from your chum’s loungeroom where there’s an air-conditioner is NOT an option?
You watch this motherchucking show. Over and over. Weekend telly marathons rule.
The crowd favourite had to be Bjorn (pronounced Bej-shorn) who had no qualms about pumping out one liners like the following.
- “It’s Bjorn time.”
- “Helllooooo! Bjorn? Thanks.”
- “This is my Beyonce moment.”
- “It’s the House of Bjorn.”
- “I think it was a reflection on how smart I am.”
- “When Whitley (the astoundingly monikered fashion designer) handed me my jacket, it was Bjorn time.”
- “I am the talk of the town, and I will always be the talk of the town.”
I’ll be back over the next few days. It’s been a full on week and I must recover but soon, soon we will resume the showbiz chit-chat.
PS: The mix CD competition will be judged on Friday but may I say I am loving the responses - I have literally laughed out loud several times in a good way. Nice work, posse.
*As MattyB so aptly described it.
Posted by Jess at 2:48 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)January 16, 2006
Disturbing Google Search Phrases X
After months of waiting for a sufficiently ridiculous collection of search phrases to appear in our stats report, the day has finally come to unveil the latest batch of foolishness.
Are you excited? Are you on edge? Are you on the verge of letting some wee slip out because you’re anticipating a veritable goldmine of web-related insanity?
(adopts husky transsexual-sounding voice)
COME INTO MY DEN SAID THE SPIDER… ET CETERA!
As always, I am mightily afeard that I’ll never be able to meet your comedic expectations but to paraphrase Peaches and the great Iggy Pop, let’s kick it kick it kick it regardless…
jon bon jovi jealous of tom cruise
Of course he is, Tom. We all are. That uppity Brooke Shields bitch most of all.
“safeway’s new registers”
“safeway has new registers”
“the new cash registers”
“the old cash resgisters”
“the young cash registers”
“the young professionals”
Quite an intense series of searches, and all from the same person! But I must say, I am slightly confused. Am I to believe Melbourne rock hotties Young Professionals are now working at Safeways? Are they impressed with the new equipment the store now has? Are Lorelei, Hannah and Gil starting yet another supergroup, this time called The Old Cash Resgisters? Or are they simply contemplating a change of band moniker, perhaps to the ultra-catchy and very hip Safeway Has New Registers? Ouch. That’d be my brain imploding.
google nipple slip
Ooo and indeed errr, it seems everyone’s favourite search engine has had a “wardrobe malfunction”! How would that work
‘breathtaking inanity’
You hit the right site, motherchucker.
‘gay locations’
In Australia? Well, Bajool sounds to me like something which’d ooze from an orifice post-coitus, Wimmera is a little too close to Rimmera as far as I’m concerned, and don’t even get me started on Cockburn.
‘i find it hard to believe that sarah jessica parker has not been mentioned once on this site since it started’
‘i mean what is wrong with you’
There is something nice about ausculture.com readers using the search feature to give us some feedback. Rest assured that I plan on rectifying this situation as soon as humanly possible - how does a whole WEEK dedicated to SJP, James Wilkie and Matthew Broderick related posts sound? Too much, too late?
penelope keith naked
I can honestly say that I desperately long to see Penny’s bits am shocked and appalled that there are people out there who wish to see the charming and quaint star of wonderful British sitcoms like To The Manor Born and The Good Life in her birthday suit. For god’s sake, people, can there be at least one A-list celebrity spared from our feverish desire to objectify the rich and successful? No? Oh, fair enough. Get your tits out, Penelope, quick sticks.
kevin federline gay
The only time that man withdraws his penis from a lady’s special place is to play a round of golf whilst showing off his appalling wardrobe. He’s either incredibly in denial or this is just some passionately wishful thinking from Tom Cruise a lusty homosexual exploring cyberspace.
jess’s carp games
Ahh, I see you’ve heard of my hilarious remake of the game “Fish”. You say “Go Fish!” and then instead of picking up a new card, you thwack your opposition over the head with a carp! IT’S FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY! Oh, never mind.
we will suck you
Hmmm. Perhaps we should change our blog’s tagline. It should not only garner us a zillion more hits, it’ll keep our friends over at ABC 774 as disgusted as ever with the site.
hello big brother fuck you
You’re a few months too early, and in any case, you KNOW you don’t mean it. The show’ll start, we’ll loathe everyone who goes into the house and constantly make derogatory remarks about them and then before you know it, we’ll find ourselves tragically addicted. YET AGAIN. We might as well embrace it. Besides, there’s a chance that this year there’ll be, oh… how should I put this? Some very interesting contestants.
thick jellay porn star
NO! NO! NO! I know Maurie’s passed, Val - but porn? At your age? I am deeply saddened. And sure, she might have a few more curves than she did in her hey day, but geeez, Google searcher! There’s no need to throw around the insults! After all, you’re the one planning on spunking over her photograph!
10 signs you suck in bed
(1). There’s a cock in your mouth.
(2 - 10). See (1)
hello all you lip reading fuckers, john mayer
Angry at both his back catalogue and continuing rumours he once stuck his mutton dagger into eternally loathsome ex-Party Of Fiver Jennifer Love Hewitt, John Mayer has begun getting more and more surly in his greetings to the fools who attend his concerts. Still, picking on the deaf seems both harsh and foolhardy. Surely they’re the only ones who can truly appreciate his musical gifts?
gay leprechaun
Yes, what of Anthony?
what happened to paris and nicole
DIDN’T I TELL YOU ALL THE STORY? It involves a Los Angeles criminal type, the guy who does the Girls Gone Wild videos, a dildo, a robbery and taped footage of Paris referring to a few African Americans walking by her as “niggers”. Supposedly.
how much people sit in front of the televesion rather than pick up a book
I don’t know but I suspect they’d still be able to spell “television”.
was fergie of the black eyed peas a prostitute
I am unable to confirm or deny such rumours. However, a few years of constant rodgering may have battered away at her downstairs area enough to explain her inability to control her bladder whenever she’s on stage. You be the judge.
how ugly is wayne rooney
Pretty fucking ugly.
wayne rooney naked
Please see above.
what is the scientific name for bitch
Bronnius Bishopus.
john howard sexy
I sincerely hope there are two gay porn stars named John and Howard out there and it is in fact sexy photos of these two “in flagrant” that our dear Google Searcher is seeking on the interweb. Otherwise I may just gouge out my eyes with a red hot poker at the thought of the Australian Prime Minister bending over and showing us his nutsack whilst looking over his shoulder and sucking on his finger in a saucy manner.
katie loves having sex with tom
Back again, Mister Cruise? Thanks for sharing. If you believe it, we’ll belie… well, we won’t but we’ll certainly smile and nod in a condescending manner whenever you’re around then mouth the words “closet case” once your back is turned.
happy new year nicknames
Get. Fucked. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t take this out on you but since New Year, my previously adorable pet name amongst chums has been hastily discarded and replaced with ‘Richie Benaud’. And I will continue to insist till the day I die that I have never, ever resembled Richie Benaud, I don’t care how hungover and in a world of hurt I might have been on January 1st, 2006.
richard wilkins bio
Born in New Zealand. Satan sent him to Australia and onto our television sets.Spent the last thirty years throwing his potent sperm around with Federline-esque abandon. Should be shot on sight. Fin.
‘Schlock N’ Hyperbole Wrestling Bonanza After-Party’
I have no idea what this is related to but I think it’s just inspired the theme of my upcoming 25th birthday celebrations.
‘why did you leave me’
Things just weren’t working out, you know? We’re two different people. I am wonderful and alluring and witty and endearing, and you, Samazan? You have the intelligence of a badger with severe concussion and a rather obvious disinterest in all matters relating to personal hygiene. I’m sorry, but you’ve just got to let “us” go. It was a one-off. Truth be told, I was replaying an episode of Micallef Tonight in my head the whole time. Heh, that Amity Dry-Lighthouse sketch. Gets me every time.
‘sexually transmitted disease as the hell-bound kids who spend their afternoons did’
Fascinating and confusing. Possibly a good title for a future Cannibal Corpse song, too.
‘Almighty Latin King Gino Colon was stabbed 2 death yesterday at 8:30pm ‘
There’s an Latin member of royalty known as Gino Colon? And ol’ King Colon was stabbed to death? This strikes me as a gripping beginning to a grisly crime novel and if no one else is willing to pen it, I shall step forth and run with it.
‘Pics of Andrew G and James M’
OH GOD PLEASE MAY THEY HAVE MADE THE SEX AND PHOTOGRAPHED IT AND PUT IT ONLINE SOMEWHERE.
“I don’t want to get bitter”
And yet you are, aren’t you? Curled up at home, hating the world and everyone in it. Flinging around accusations of bastardry and betrayal like it were going out of fashion. You need to let go and feel the love. Step outside, smell the roses and a whole heap of other cliches. Promise me you’ll try, okay?
I want to stand with you on a moutain
‘Moutain’ is French for ‘a pile of crushed Savage Garden records’. I too want to stand on a moutain, Google Searcher. Is next weekend good for you? I’ll be wearing a pink t-shirt and clutching a copy of What’s Happening To My Body? Dress Your Family In Corduroy And Denim.
‘pleais sexe yas’
This is the most common chat up line muttered into the ears of Parisians at discotheques, just so you know. Say it, Frenchie, say it loud and clear! PLEAIS SEXE YAS! I think I’m going to get this made into a t-shirt and it can join the hoodie I had knocked up which is emblazoned with my previous adored slogan - “Taste My Muff”.
‘the night santa went crazy’
Somewhere in the world on December 25th, a small child woke early and wandered out into the family room only to discover phrases like “ELVES GET FUCKED”, “MRS CLAUS IS A FRIGID BITCH” and “THE REAL NORTH POLE IS IN MY PANTS LOL” written in faeces on the walls, several bored looking reindeers chewing at the scattered remains of presents under the tree and a chubby man dressed only in red underwear surrounded by bottles of Jim Beam and half-conscious near the front door lying in a pool of his own vomit. BUT WHEN WILL THEY MAKE A TIM ALLEN TELEMOVIE ON THE NASTY SIDE OF SANTA, I ASK YOU? I’ve had a gutful of the white-washing that goes on during the festive season.
‘missy higgins missy elliott which one is which’
You know, to this day I am still unable to tell the difference. They do have a lot in common, that’s for sure.
‘from simple throat fucking up to dirty double and triple orgies! these babes don’t care! they are ready for everything! they are sleeping and the only thing that matters for them at the moment is their dream! and they really think that this whole mess happening to them is one lewd nightmare! that’s what they think! join them right now!’
Is it the excessive detail which leads me to adore this search query with all my heart and soul? Is it the enthused use of exclamation marks? Is it because he references a ‘lewd nightmare’ which sounds both frightening and arousing? Oh lord. It’s all of it. That it leads our excitable chum to ausculture.com is simply a bonus.
treating gonorrheae sydney
Best to get it sorted before you attend Grogblogging, I says. Very responsible. I applaud you.
how to handle female rival
Punch her. That’s what I always do, and I picked up that handy hint from Courtney Love’s Guide To Socialising. Works a charm.
massive tits in bendigo
Is there only one pair? Do they belong to Kate DeArugao?
congratulaltions signs
Lyle was given one simple job to do before the North Hopskinville Adult Education Centre’s Conquering Dyslexia 101 graduates held their end of year party - make the banner. Needless to say once the lights were switched on, it was immediately obvious to all and sundry that somehow, someway, Lyle had cheated his way into his High Distinction.
biggest cunts in world
Still in power till at least 2007, I’m afraid.
len steal my sunshine
‘STEAL MY SUNSHINE’ IS THE WORST FUCKING SONG IN THE WORLD AND ANY BAND THAT SPELLS OUT THE WORD ‘L-A-T-E-R’ IN ORDER TO STRETCH OUT A VERSE DESERVE TO HAVE EASILY IRRITABLE ANIMALS WITH CLAWS AND TEETH JAMMED INTO THEIR RECTUM.
muppets fucking
They split up, I’m afraid. So that’s the end of that.
ways to masterbate and items to shove in your vagina
Quite simply, the only limit is your imagination and your pain threshold. That’s what Paris Hilton told me, and as far as shoving things up vadges is concerned, that woman is the fucking Dalai Lama.
So there you have it. Until next time, folks.
PS: Look! We’re up to our TENTH REPORT in the series! Is this like a birthday? Should we get presents or something? Oh, just buy me a beer sometime and we’ll call it even stevens.
Posted by Jess at 9:00 AM Link | Comments (18)January 15, 2006
An Ausculture Competition!
Because I can’t think of anything to blog about today, LET’S HAVE A COMPETITION!
If you would like to play, please leave a list of the Top Ten songs on a topic of your choice. Top Ten Songs Amanda Vanstone Would Probably Listen To After A Hard Day At Work? Top Ten Songs By Awful Soap Stars? Top Ten Songs To Listen To Whilst Riding Your Bike? It’s up to you.
Make it funny, make it serious, make it just a list of good fucking songs - whatever you like. Bonus points if you can provide a reason or description as to why the song has been chosen (which is something I like to do for people I make mix CDs for, by the by. The recipients of my music gifts find this activity charming and not at all irritating as they open up their email and find a three page thesis of idiocy.)
I will be utterly subjective and pick the best list and the winner will be contacted by email where I will take their address details and underwear size… and then? AND THEN? They’ll receive a VERY special Ausculture compilation. It won’t be worth the effort but boy, won’t it be worth a pretty penny one day*?
If you’re up for it, go crazy below. You too, lurker. I like you so I don’t know why we’ve never spoken x
*No, it won’t.
Posted by Jess at 7:27 PM Link | Comments (21) | TrackBack (0)January 13, 2006
A Few Random Friday Things.
It’s been an interesting week so please forgive me for abandoning my posting… erm… post. On the upside, Prince Rogers Nelson seems to have been a huge success and we plan on having him back for more words of wisdom in the near future. Wilson Phillips may join him. And maybe Belinda Carlisle.
THIS IS GOING TO BE WONDERFUL
Anyone who knows me remotely would be aware that I am a Dusty Springfield obsessive. Therefore I cannot WAIT to see the new musical Dusty: The Original Pop Diva at the State Theatre in Melbourne. This review seems quite promising. Let’s all go together and then I can recite poignant passages from my Dusty biography at the pub for you all afterwards.
ANGIE AND BRAD - PREGNANT!
Which means it’s pretty much over for yours truly and the big-lipped hussy. BEFORE WE’D EVEN BEGUN! Brad Pitt is no doubt calling Jenny Shimizu and yelling “Ner ner nee ner ner!” into the receiver as we speak. The entire thing is even more astounding when one considers that the twosome, last we checked, were offically “not lovers”.
This makes Angelina the new Virgin Mary, Brad the new Joseph and in six months time a child will be born unto them and he shall have a mohican and he shall be the truth, the way and the light.
THE NEW KEVIN FEDERLINE SONG
Is hilarious and awful and mind-blowing and all things you’d imagine it to be. As Kevin and I are personal friends now thanks to the magic of the internet, I can say things like that quite honestly without fear of reproach. Kev respects how unstarry eyed I am around him. Anyway, DJs Gin & Juice will be clearing dance-floors across Melbourne with his song “PopoZao” shortly.
SPEAKING IN TONGUES!
I don’t have a television so I’d not managed to catch any of the show. But then I discovered (thanks to last week’s appearance on the show of blogger Dreadnought) that you can DOWNLOAD THE SHOW AS A VIDEO PODCAST. I might be a little slow when it comes to technology but this is the most AMAZING thing I have ever heard of in the history of anything. I watched six episodes last night and my mind was officially blown. It’s funny, clever and I think I want Father Bob to be my best friend.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR LADY!
Big ups to the Fluffmeister who turns a year older today and yet remains as radiant and ravishing as ever. Go and wish her a happy birthday, kids.
There must be something about this time of year as bloggers Kranki and Sherriff also aged (dis)gracefully over the last week, god love ‘em.
Now, are we all saving our pennies in anticipation of buying Cameron Daddo the superb birthday present he so deserves when he adds another notch to the belt of life in March? Good.
Posted by Jess at 1:45 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)January 11, 2006
A Special Message From Prince Rogers Nelson
This Wednesday, make sure u rave un2 the joy fantastic. And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down? Let’s look 4 the purple banana ‘til they put us in the truck, let’s go!
Arrividerci cock poppy, that was hip yesterday - rave. New thing hitting where it feel good, what did U say? - rave. Tell me all: ain’t that a bomb? Mack Daddy ain’t got no gun - rave. Everybody got a new thing, new fun - scandalous - rave.
Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind? I will sho’nuff sho’nuff show u how 2 grind. U’re the reason I took a rope and lassoed the moon. 2 prove that when it comes 2 u there’s nothing I won’t do…
Love 2 the 9’s,
Prince x
ED: Thank you, Prince. And readers? You’re absolutely right. There is simply no point, reason or excuse for this other than excess consumption of caffeine.
Before we do anything, let me just talk 2 U.
ED: Hush, Prince. You’ve had your say.
lol ur rite. 2 bad 4 u tho, I’d stare in2 the sun if u would be mine.
ED: I refuse to talk about this here. I’d prefer to keep our relationship private, if you don’t mind.
kthxbye
Posted by Jess at 3:40 AM Link | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0)I Am Definitely Inspired To Purchase Some Valium Now
Normally I just delete the spam I receive at my ausculture.com email address without reading it too closely. Unless it’s a hilarious Russian dating agency email, in which case I make careful note of the brilliant one liners and move it to a folder labelled “Sexy Russian Comedy”.
But tonight I received an email in which Cyndi Haggard attempted to sell me cheap pharmaceuticals - and opened her correspondence with the following confusing and slightly menacing paragraph.
earth, all of whom speak French fluently. How you wish to use that information is up to you. However, if you even hint at Argenteuil, Ill know it instantly and you will never leave the Pont-Royal alive. The contact can be made so quickly? With a telephone number. But you will not place the call for at least an hour from the moment we part. If you do, again I will know it, and again I tell you youre a dead man. An hour. Agreed. … Only three other people have this number? Why
Mummy, I’m scared. Hold me.
Posted by Jess at 12:49 AM Link | TrackBack (0)January 9, 2006
FINAL WEEK! EVERYTHING MUST GO*!
WHAT: Our last ever evening filling in for the Best Of The Brat team on RRR.
WHO: The explosive CLEMBASTOW and yours truly.
WHEN: Tuesday aka tomorrow night.
TIME, PLEASE?: 10pm till 12am. And kudos on your impeccable manners.
WHY: Why not, eh?
NO, SERIOUSLY BITCHES - WHY?: We’ll be as adorably unorganised as ever. We’ll leave the mics on even after we’ve started playing a song. We’ll dissolve into girlish giggles at anything rude. We’ll answer the phone if you call up. We’re getting Krankiboy on the show to talk about various things (including being a Yank “down under” - could this be a tourist thing OR A SEX THING?) and there’ll be another amazing and thoroughly un-indie Top Ten being pumped out after 11pm.
HOW: It depends. If you’re in Melbourne, you can tune in on 102.7 FM. Otherwise you can stream it (via RealMedia - sorry, adorable Photogroper)
AND THEN? Well, then Worst Of The Brat shall retire, content in the knowledge we have wreaked havoc on airwaves for three weeks running, and we’ll hand back the sultry time-slot to its rightful owners, the ever-adorable Best Of The Brat team of Holly C, Glenny G and Pauly P. And they’ll make with the sexy.
*Namely dignity, class and skill.
Posted by Jess at 11:55 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Reasons To Love Pete Burns
The Dead Or Alive frontman recently entered the Celebrity Big Brother house in the United Kingdom - and here, via Fop (via Michael Bush) - is a photo taken on Pete’s first day in the “star-filled” abode.
click for bigger
Do you not love that he’s
- Sunbaking in winter?
- Wearing almost nothing?
- Reading naughty mags?
- Sporting fetching boots?
- Got emergency make up next to him on the chair?
- Cleverly stashed two weights under the leaves of the pot plant should the urgent need to “work out” hit him?
- Kept his mobile phone with him?
Of course you love it. You’re only human.
Then add to this bevy of likable things the following quote he has already spluttered whilst in the house…
(receiving criticism is…) “like someone pouring a bucket of cum over you.”
… and I think we’re all agreed that despite Australian viewers missing out on the show, the nation’s full support must go behind Pete and his quest to win the reality television show.
PETE BURNS ALL THE WAY!
LET’S SPIN HIM “RIGHT ‘ROUND”… TOWARD VICTORY!
Posted by Jess at 11:12 PM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)Interesting Things To Be Told At The Pub #23567
“I am wearing your underwear.”
HOW? WHAT? WHEN IN THE WORLD?
Listen woman, I expect to get them back, all nice and clean. The way I left them The way I would have left them eight months ago had I any notion I was going to carelessly misplace them in your spare room and you were going to adopt them, Maddox and Zahara style.
Only those born under the sign of the Fish are able to don specially made Pisces undies.
(There’s a dirty joke in that last sentence but I am going to leave it well alone.)
Posted by Jess at 11:03 PM Link | TrackBack (0)A Serious Question
Is it only in Hollywood movies that you’re able to donate blood for money?
No, really?
If you know of a way for me to earn some extra cash, please feel free to email and let me know.
And before you ask, yes - I have already tried working as a lady of the night. But swears to God, you get just one case of crabs and business dries up in every sense.
PS: NO REALLY, IF I CAN EARN MONEY THROUGH BEING A HUMAN GUINEA PIG FOR UNIVERSITY STUDENT EXPERIMENTS, YOU MUST LET ME KNOW.
PPS: MILLIONAIRE CELEBRITIES SHOULDN’T FEEL SHY ABOUT SENDING ME MONEY.
Posted by Jess at 6:43 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Madonna Knows Best…
Refresh if you missed the beginning. Oh lord, I laughed.
Radar Online? Youse are all geniuses.
(Thanks for the heads up, Fopsquisiteness)
Posted by Jess at 5:06 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Latho To Appear On ‘Dancing With The Stars’?
That’s the rumour going around.
Or at least it was back on January 1st.
How did this piece of news slip me by? I know the first day of 2006 didn’t really exist in the fractured world of Jess’s Brain, but you would have thought I’d have heard a few murmurs about this over the following eight days, wouldn’t you?
I cannot decide whether the concept of Mark Latham twirling around whilst donning a fetching combination of satin, chiffon and Lycra is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard or wandering dangerously into Downer-in-fishnets territory.
Still - his post-appearance explosive diary about the show should be a corker.
MARCH 7 - 2006Posted by Jess at 1:22 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
Rehearsals went for far too long today. Cockbox [Daryl Somers] was getting on my nerves something rotten, always singing and running around in his dressing gown. I think he knows everyone can see his ballsack when he does it. The man is a sucker for exhibitionism.
Sonia [Kruger] seems like a nice lass though. Stupid as sin but I’d much rather see her in a leotard than old Junket Guts [Amanda Vanstone]! Can’t believe they convinced the Dark Queen of Woomera to appear on the show. There’ll be a decline in the number of births in this country in nine months time, mark my words. No Australian male could walk by the television, see that doing the tango in a tight-fitting costume and then manage to get it up with the missus.
A few weeks in, I’ve gotta say - I think my dancing is improving, which is nice. I’m losing a bit of the gut. Janine is stoked, can’t keep her hands of me. I tell everyone that I’m doing the show for health reasons, and for the boys. God I love those boys.
But fuck it. All I really want to do is to beat that cunt Alan Jones.
Everything’s Fine Between K-Fed & Britney.
All those rumours about the Spederlines marriage being on the verge of collapse?
ALL TABLOID BULLSHIT, MOTHERCHUCKERS!
Kevin recently had a chat to radio host and American Idol presenter Ryan Seacrest and cleared a few things up.
Kev insists that all the talk of Britters throwing him out of their house is nothing but rubbish.
(Kevin) insisted that everything was “wonderful”. And when asked if Britney had told him to leave their Malibu home, Kev replied: “No way.”
He also rubbished claims that his Ferrari had been repossessed.
He explained that pictures of it being towed away were actually nothing more than his motor taking a trip to the local garage for repairs.
PHEW.
So… another bub on the horizon?
“Nah, not right now,” he said, “we’re gonna wait.”
What WHAT WHAT?
Wait? I was under the impression that Kevin Federline, due to a tragic medical problem related to his Van Deferens, was obliged to father children every nine months lest his testicles explode, leaving him to bleed to death in a pair of excessively baggy jeans?
Of course, maybe he just means he and Britney are gonna wait to have more kids. Cough.
Posted by Jess at 12:58 PM Link | TrackBack (0)The Where’s The Party Mission Plan 2006: Destroy the Conservatives
My dear old friend Taw has decided to meet my challenge and provide ausculture.com with some guest posted blog fodder. Taw has been plotting world domination with his political party Where’s The Party? for about as long as I’ve known him. So at least a decade then. Please enjoy his mission plan for 2006 below.
Our goal: to replace little Johnny and all those fuckers with a government Australia deserves.
Preferably one headed by President Whitlam, and with a cabinet made up of Peter Garrett (Minister for the Environment and rad gear dancing) and Mungo MacCallum (Minister for Ensuring John Howard is Called a Cunt at Every Given Opportunity During Question Time. Same goes for Alexander Downer. And Phillip Ruddock), amongst others.
As Minister for Police, Bryan Brown will be responsible for maintaining Coughlin’s Law and Order; Bob Brown (Minister for the Environment, Hugging Trees and Issues affecting Gay Tasmanian Doctors), Margo Kingston (minister for Media Affairs, and People Sharing the Name of Characters from Punky Brewster), Magda Szubanski (Minister for Netball and Footy Franks), Ernie Dingo (Minister for No More Paul Hogan Movies Ever Being Made. Ever), and Mark “Chopper” Read (Special Envoy for ensuring Howard, Downer, Ruddock, Vanstone etc get what they deserve for being racist, homophobic, hateful little arseplugs who care for nothing but ensuring the wealthy maintain and expand their wealth and all else can get fucked. And also Minister for the Arts and Cultural Affairs).
Considering Kim “too old too fat too stupid” Beazley and his cohorts seem incapable of putting together a strong, coherent and idealistic vision for an alternative government for Australia, and seem more content with gradually sliding towards the right whilst hoping and waiting for a major economic or political catastrophe to bring down the coalition, it’s time for Where’s The Party to claim the pinko/commie/latte-lapping-left as it’s own.
After Tampa, children overboard, detention centres, David Hicks, Mahmdouh Habib, Cornelia Rau, Vivian Alvarez Solon, involving Australia in two unjustifiable wars in the Middle East, selling us out in a free trade deal with the US that’s anything but free, refusing to sign Kyoto or do anything significant about our position as one of the worst per capita polluters in the world, allowing the ongoing destruction of Tasmanian wilderness, race riots in Cronulla, promising tax cuts to the rich to ensure they maintain their financial and physical distance from the unwashed masses, and giving Australia the ugliest, geekiest prime minister ever who has a far too striking a resemblance to both Mr Sheen and Mr Garrison from South Park (and who I am willing to bet ten bucks has a miniscule and probably hideously deformed pecker), it’s time someone started jumping up and down and saying they aren’t gonna let that little rodent destroy this country and turn it into some little 1950’s redneck insular backwater.
Vote 1: Where’s the Party.
Posted by Jess at 12:34 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)January 8, 2006
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO DAKOTA FANNING?
She’s half Betty White and half Some Horrible Product From Mattel.
“Ain’t she a doll? Just a regular little doll!”
I don’t know how to prove it, but the Scientologists are responsible for this. Mark my words.
(via Oh No They Didn’t)
Posted by Jess at 12:17 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)January 6, 2006
A Delightful Playlist For A Thoroughly Pleasant January Evening.
- Lloyd Cole - Lost Weekend
- Dan Kelly & The Alpha Males - Summer Wino
- Patrick Wolf - The Gypsy King
- Silver Jews - How Can I Love You (If You Won’t Lie Down?)
- Talking Heads - This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)
- Jamie Lidell - Multiply
- Box Tops - The Letter
- Detroit Cobras - Heartbeat
- The Kinks - Sunny Afternoon
- Hooters - And We Danced
Obtain them legally (certainly not through LimeWire), pop them on some sort of music-pumping device and pretend I made you a mix CD. It’s a nice day to feel chipper.
Oh - and those of you heading to the Mr Lefty organised Melbourne Grogblogging? Have a drink for me. I’m far too broke to attend and am also attempting to get myself “back on the rails” but Enjoy Yourself, Kylie-style.
Posted by Jess at 5:57 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)More Ausculture Classifieds
Just received an email from my adorable chum Fop where he pointed out the following disturbing fact.
Bec Cartwright has already lost baby Mia. Mia is not absent from the tennis for no reason.
OH MY GOD, HE’S RIGHT!
LOST - MIA CARTWRIGHT-HEWITT
Small infant, female, approximately one and
a half months old. Has giant cleft chin and
wails something uncannily along the lines of
“CMMOOONYEWWWPOOFFTEEEEEER” when
she requires a nappy change.
If found, please return to -
Woman’s Day
c\o ACP Magazines Ltd
54-58 Park Street
Sydney NSW 2000
Here’s hoping this isn’t some frighteningly sinister and vengeful plot by New Idea to teach the Cartwright-Hewitts a lesson in loyalty.
Posted by Jess at 3:05 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)January 5, 2006
A Tale Of A Broken Heart
I just wrote about this elsewhere but figured it could be interesting if not entirely unrelated to Australian culture material. Please feel free to confess any tales of unrequited love you lot have. We’re all friends here.
My first giant primary school-long love affair was with a young lad named Dave. He was dark and short and cheeky and funny and handsome, and I would often gaze at him from afar hoping that one day, if I just played my cards right, I would finally lure him with my charms.
By year three, my feelings were intense. I would show our class picture to my family and point out his cherubic features to my older sisters (who were oh so pleased to have me interrupt their university studying in order to discuss at length the pros and cons of my sweetheart). I would write about him longingly in my Dinky Diary and make note of the days I had ridden my bike by his house on the off chance he would be playing outside. He never was.
Every time I was given an address book as a gift, I would reach for the White Pages, look up his home number and enter it in as though we were phone buddies and constantly yapping away to each other. This, as recently pointed out to me, is extremely fucking sad. But I felt closer to him by doing it SO JUST BACK OFF.
During the slightly more grown up era of Year Four, I soon realised I would need to have far more in common with Dave before we could become the uber-playground couple he had no idea fate destined us to be.
So, knowing that Dave liked to draw (and the kid WAS freakishly talented at caricatures), I began fancying myself as a bit of a cartoonist. And indeed, had I been some sort of armless, legless freak who held a pencil in my mouth to sketch, I would have been considered quite good. However, being an able bodied young lass meant that my drawings could only be classified as the work of a highly untalented artist.
Never fear! Dave also liked sketching surf logos so I immediately taught myself how to mimic the Rusty and Quiksilver logos. Whenever he walked past my desk, I would attempt to be in the middle of scribbling said logos onto my pencil case. Sadly, this never led to him saying “Oh my! A RUSTY logo? You like surf wear too? Can we attend the Year Four dance together?”
In Year Five, disaster struck. He fell in love with blonde bombshell Angie who was a regulation schoolyard hottie, and I felt him slipping away. The only light in the darkness that was 1991 was, tragically, when I broke my wrist and DAVE DREW A CARTOON ON MY CAST AND WROTE ‘GET WELL SOON’. I would gaze at the cast each night, remembering the two minutes where my fracture had lured him into gently holding my limb and creating his work of art. All for me… ME! You can imagine how traumatised I was when I came home from school to find out my mother thrown out the carcass of my somewhat smelly cast six months later. It was sitting in pride of place on my shelf FOR A REASON, woman!
When 1992 rolled around, I was forced to take desperate action. I would be heading to an all girls high school several suburbs away once the year was over and thus time was of the essence.
Dave was the class clown (male) and I took it upon myself to discard my studious ways and learn to make people laugh. Surely being the FEMALE EQUIVALENT OF HIM would get his attention? In a way, it did. Oh, I recall him chuckling at a few witty quips I threw in the direction of poor Ms Carson, but the downside? I spent the first six months of my final year of primary school concentrating so hard on making Dave fall in love with me that half-yearly school report was filled with lines like “Jessica has spent the term focusing less on her work and more on garnering the attention of her classmates.”
My parents were furious and made me promise to go back to being a book worm rather than a smart arse and I felt powerless to refuse.
I had one more option. After consultation with my September\October best friend Sarah, it was decided I must lay my cards on the table and let Dave make the next move.
So I wrote him a letter. Well, less of a letter and more of a fucking market research survey.
Dear Dave,
I like you and I think you are funny and very cute. I know you are going out with Angie but I want to know
DO YOU STILL LIKE ANGIE (TICK YES OR NO)
and
DO YOU WANT TO BE MY BOYFRIEND (TICK YES OR NO)
Please leave the answered note in the third tyre near the swings at Russell Park tomorrow afternoon.
Love always,
Jessica
Seriously, tick yes or no? What on EARTH was I thinking?
Nonetheless, I felt confident that something good could happen from this. I rode my bike to Dave’s house and delivered the note to his older sister.
All I could do now was wait the painful twenty four hours to discover just how he really felt about me.
I couldn’t look at Dave the next day at school. All feelings of elation or - god forbid - depression would have to wait until I was well out of mocking distance, standing alone by the playground equipment in the late hours of the afternoon.
3:15pm finally hit. I bolted onto the first bus I could find, headed home, watched a bit of television and bided my time. By 5pm, I decided he had been given ample opportunity to pen an appropriately romantic response to me so I informed my mother I’d be home soon and cycled over to Russell Park.
I edged towards the third tyre. I could see a clump of paper sitting in it.
Oh god.
Oh god.
I reached in and pulled out the crumpled letter.
I couldn’t open it. I rode home and ran to my room. This was it, Jessie. This was it.
I unfolded the note.
He had almost made a hole in the paper by his furious circling of YES for the “DO YOU STILL LIKE ANGIE” query, and judging by the fact he needed to use TWO FUCKING DIFFERENT COLOURED BIROS to mark “NO” for the “DO YOU WANT TO BE MY BOYFRIEND” question, he was utterly repulsed by my affections.
As an added bonus, he also gave me some free feedback.
“NEVER. LEAVE ME ALONE.”
I cried and cried and cried. My mother and sisters tried to comfort me. My father dubbed him “Dave Rotten”. I was given chocolate and allowed to stay up late. But oh lord, it hurt.
Needless to say, I was pleased as fucking punch to leave school a few months later. Especially when everyone knew about my attempt to seduce the most popular boy in school and how spectacularly it had failed.
Years on after I’d left high school and begun working in an office, I Googlestalked him. He works as a photographer for a newspaper and married his high school sweetheart (NOT ANGIE, THANK FUCK) a year or two after finishing up Year Twelve.
We could have been so good together, Dave.
Still, he was like, three feet high and judging from comments I’ve heard from people I knew who attended the same school as him, he stayed that way. And how could yours truly have ever been happy with a midget lover? Pipe down, Katie Holmes.
Ahhh fate. You did the right thing, no matter how badly it killed me at eleven years of age.
All names changed to protect the innocent and my pride. God forbid some cluey bastard out there manage to add up the details and shame me.
Posted by Jess at 10:17 PM Link | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0)Searching For Jay Justin
Alright kids, this is “for serious”.
Back in the sixties, there was an Aussie pop star called Jay Justin. He discovered Little Pattie and according to this site…
He wrote most of his own hits of which he had many and was also a favourite on TV and at his shows. He also still today performs and records.
In 1963 he had an Aussie top ten hit with a song called “Proud Of You”.
And this, according to Google Images, is what he looks like today.
He’s the one on the left.
Here’s the important bit.
DOES ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW HIM OR AT THE VERY LEAST A WAY TO CONTACT HIM.
This is - again, fo shizzle - incredibly important. Life-changingly important. It’s not my place to get into it but needless to say, we don’t go all New Idea’s “CAN YOU HELP?” section every day so it’s not as though we’re just going to ask Jay about the size of his naughty bits or quiz him about Little Pattie in an irritating manner if we finally get through to him.
Please email me - jess at ausculture.com if you have any idea of how to get in touch with Jay Justin. Or if you are Jay Justin, for that matter, cos it’d make things heaps easier.
UPDATE: CALL OFF THE SEARCH, HE HAS BEEN LOCATED.
As you were.
Posted by Jess at 8:28 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)“Prepare My Private Jet, Scotland Yard Need Me Back Home At Once!”
“Excuse me, Ms Moss, but would you mind terribly ending your overseas sojourn where you are no doubt spending gazillions on drugs and general frivolity and heading back to the United Kingdom in order for us to arrest you? Fair cop, it’d certainly make our jobs easier.”
“Why, not a worry! I was bored with freedom anyway. Please have the cucumber sandwiches and pot of tea ready in my cell, I’ll just be a jiffy. Any chance of getting Sadie Frost to share a cell with me?”
“Least we could do.”
“Jolly good.”
“Lovely talking to you.”
“Huzzah.”
HUGE AUSSIE TELEVISION NEWS!
DAVID REYNE IS MOVING TO CHANNEL TEN AND…
Hang on. We couldn’t care less about that, could we?
Carry on.
Posted by Jess at 5:06 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Translating Hollywood Speak (Lesson #2)
When Sienna Miller tells the New York Post -
“I find it odd that people ask me ‘Why did you take Jude Law back?’ I don’t regret anything! At some point in their lives, everybody wants something they can’t have - and to be the one to tame a man.”
She’s really saying -
“You DO all remember that I allowed Daniel Craig to slip one in on the sly, don’t you?”
Here endeth the lesson.
Posted by Jess at 4:49 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Way To Make Apple Feel Better About Her Name.
According to the internet (and God knows that in these crazy times, it’s just about the only thing we can trust) Gwyneth Paltrow has allowed hubby Chris Martin to name their to-be-squeezed-out-in-May son… and he’s gone with Capone.
CAPONE.
The frontman of Coldplay’s son is going to be called Capone.
Presumably similar gangster-associated names like Bugsy, Gotti, Hoffa and Teflon Don just wouldn’t have fit with “Paltrow-Martin”.
Still, if he creates another song for Gwyneth to celebrate the impending birth of his second offspring, I’ll forgive him anything.
Posted by Jess at 12:14 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Best. Shadow. Ever.
If there were some sort of award for Comic Use Of Light & Shadow In A Photograph - AND THERE SHOULD BE - Luke Wilson, or at the very least the crafty snapper who took the following picture of him, would be a shoe-in.
Bravo. BRAVO!
Posted by Jess at 12:04 AM Link | TrackBack (0)January 4, 2006
Bad News For The Haters!
It would appear I am immortal.
I just electrocuted myself and am completely fine. Other than a slight glow that now surrounds me and the fact I can pick up AM radio in my head if I raise one leg in the air.
I am the Femme-Highlander of blogging. Nothing will stop me stealing NW Magazine’s material now… NOTHING!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(strokes white cat)
(twitches)
In other news, Vale VCR.
As you were.
Posted by Jess at 5:53 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Good News For Michael Bolton\Nicolette Sheridan Fans!
They are now officially BACK TOGETHER!
Let us pray that 2006 is the year for celebrities reuniting with past loves. Here are some more famous folks ausculture.com would like to see resume making the beast with two backs.
- Burt Reynolds & Loni Anderson!
- Collette Dinnigan & Richard Wilkins!
- Kylie Minogue & Jason Donovan!
- Michael Jackson & Brooke Shields!
- Brad Pitt & Juliette Lewis!
- Jim Carrey & Lauren Holly!
- Britney Spears & Jason Alexander!
- Drew Barrymore & Nancy Juvonen!
- Elizabeth Taylor & Larry Fortensky!
- Julia Roberts & Lyle Lovett!
- Angel & Shane!
- Karl & Susan!
- This is getting ridiculous and I shall stop at once.
Holy Tapshoes! There’s Gonna Be A Dance To The Death!
Is Victoria going to be the venue for Australia’s own violent rhythmic battle between dancers? It sure looks like it.
Ever since ausculture.com attended an International Tap Dancing Day extravaganza mid last year, we’ve been rather big fans of Miss Jane, owner of Glamour Puss Studios Tap Dancing Academy (incorporating Miss Lou Lou’s).
Hell, we even attended the end of year concert spectacular (two hours of tap dancing and trailer trash jokes - is it too much? Maybe! NOT AT ALL!) with our beloved pals Fop and Ms Fits.
Therefore, it goes without saying that despite all evidence pointing toward Miss Jane perhaps - PERHAPS - stealing Miss Lou Lou’s identity, single white female style, this is exactly the sort of thing that happens when you skip town and head to LA and thus we are backing Miss Jane 110% on the matter.
DID YOU THINK YOU COULD JUST JET BACK HOME AS THOUGH NOTHING HAD HAPPENED AND RESUME YOUR OLD LIFE, LOU LOU? DID YOU?
Also…
Kearney also believes that Guy struggles to match her glamorous image. “She’s more like a drag queen, she’s sort of fat and ugly,” Kearney says. “She’s trying to be Miss Lou Lou … I mean, she’s got her own character but she’s not a very good dancer.”
Thems fighting words. Don’t make us tap yo ass to oblivion, woman.
Please, when will the doyennes of the Melbourne tap world learn to kiss and make up? Tap dancing used to be about love and friendship. Not slagging each other off and filing law suits. Just make with the West Side Story tributes and get on with things.
We demand that this is all sorted by International Tap Dancing Day 2006.
Posted by Jess at 2:28 PM Link | TrackBack (0)My Holiday With Mariah Is Officially OVER.
Honest to god. One minute you’re having a great time playing in the surf and telling dirty jokes, and the next thing you know she’s lying in the hostel bath clutching a near-drowned pooch whilst singing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” half-heartedly and mumbling rubbish about wanting to be where the rainbows are.
And as I told her last time she pulled this shit, I am NOT the sort of girl who can tolerate vacationing with crazy folk for too long.
So I’m back. And I left her with the minibar tab so WHO IS LAUGHING NOW, GLITTERGUTS?
Any suggestions for things ausculture.com should try this year? Other than sucking even more so you don’t have to?
By the way, there’s a flippin’ bumper Disturbing Google Search Phrases on its way. I wasn’t sure we’d ever be able to do another one but over the festive period some seriously insane people found there way here via inserting mental phrases into search engines. Presumably all of them aren’t just from Ms Carey (LOLROFLETC).
Posted by Jess at 2:03 PM Link | TrackBack (0)January 3, 2006
Oh, And…
Although I still plan on having a few days rest with my good friend Mariah - there really is nothing like sitting by the water and soaking up the good life…
… CLEMBASTOW and I will be filling in for Best Of The Brat on RRR tonight from 10pm. No doubt my contribution to proceedings will simply involve dribbling into the microphone from time to time and muttering the words “Broken… Jessie got broken…” but feel free to tune in. CLEMBASTOW will hold it together, oh yes indeed, and even better - we’re doing a Top Ten Songs About Wanking playlist after 11pm.
So prepare your lubricant of choice and spin your dial to 102.7FM (if you’re a Melbournite) or listen to the live stream if you’re not.
Posted by Jess at 8:08 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)January 2, 2006
Back Soon…
PS: I did this for Fop’s blog a while ago but it’s just gone up - feel free to frolic over there and check it out.
PPS: Loved ones and chums I can’t get in touch with who may be reading this - my phone is out of credit so I am incommunicado unless you call or email me.
PPPS: SWF, GSOH S\S, S\D seeks… oh hang on, apparently this isn’t the classifieds section of a newspaper. HOW CONFUSING.
Posted by Jess at 7:39 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)December 31, 2005
And Now… Happy New Year, Motherchuckers!
Hope you all made it through Christmas without too much damage to your good selves.
I am currently in a country town’s shopping precinct car park and have discovered that free wireless even floats in the sweet smelling rural air. Naturally, I thought of you all and decided to say hello.
“Hello!”
Yes. I am also inside a car on a 42 degree day and I THINK I AM DYING, PLEASE SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY.
Anyway, have a good one, ausculture.com readers. I will be seeing out the New Year in a Big Brother house-esque mansion on top of a mountain with beloved pals. There is a spa and a sauna and and and… well, stuff. Good stuff. A perfect place to kick 2005 right out the goddamn door.
Be good - or don’t. See you next year! And the site will be LOADS better in 2006, swears x
Posted by Jess at 1:44 PM Link | TrackBack (0)December 24, 2005
Merry Chrismakwanzakahetc From Ausculture!
Have a safe and loved up holidays, dearest readers - and fingers crossed Santa doesn’t pull a switchblade on you. His mood swings are getting worse as the years go on, if you ask me.
Posted by Jess at 4:15 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Just Say No To Drugs, Kids
Hi! I’m a baby-faced teen pin up with an adorable naughty twinkle in my eye and a blossoming Hollywood career!
Hi! I’m that same kid except I look about three times my actual age and I’ve just been sprung trying to buy heroin from undercover cops! Boo!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Brad Renfro to the ever-growing list of child stars with “issues”.
(Yes, I know he’s been ‘caught by the fuzz’ before. But LOOK AT HIM.)
Posted by Jess at 2:20 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)KENNY UPDATE! KENNY UPDATE!
Either Dave Graney’s quite the practical joker or our dear friend Kenny (of Kate De Araugo fame, I am saying then, and that is nice and that is good) is absolutely for real. Which warms and frightens me.
I noticed that the radio station people pointed at me. I felt glad to be part of this strange and weird crowd rather than one of the insiders such as they.
I waited for the queue to move along and noticed a young Asian man was bumped up in the queue to somehow get him out of the crowd.
I saw him address Kate, flanked by a third record company official. He shouted at her: “You are my second-favourite idol! Rocky is my first. He’s my mate.”
Yes he is, Kenny. Yes he goddamn is… x
Posted by Jess at 1:20 AM Link | TrackBack (0)December 23, 2005
“I would like to be in a picture with Kate De Araugo soon and I would love that.”
This has made my day.
A young man named Kenny recently sent an email to Sanity about Australian Idol III winner Kate. I will reproduce it in its entirety below. If it’s a pisstake, it’s genius and if it’s for real? Oh lord.
I think my favourite part of it is that he refers to her by her full name every eight or so words, as though he is so goddamn pleased he’s worked out how to spell it, he’s going to make the most of his newfound knowledge. That, and the sheer breathless enthusiasm only a hardcore stalker fan can muster up.
All hail Kenny!
——-Original Message——-Posted by Jess at 1:10 PM Link | Comments (9)
From: Kenny ****
Sent: Tuesday, 20 December 2005 10:51 PM
To: sanity@internetcd-dvdsales.com
Subject: Att: Virgin Megastore Melbourne regarding Kate De Araugo
Can you please send this e-mail to Virgin Megastore Melbourne and to Sony BMG.
Dear Virgin Megastore Melbourne,
I have really enjoyed seeing Kate De Araugo at the Melbourne Special Guest apperance at Myer Melbourne I am saying that well I knew I really loved it and I enjoyed it so much on Saturday I have enjoyed seeing Kate De Araugo and she is so good to me signing an autograph and talking to Kate De Araugo and she wished me a Merry Christmas and I think her voice I talked to her was good.
I think that Kate De Araugo special apperance was very good then and I live in Doncaster East and hopefully I would want to see Kate De Araugo again in Doncaster I am saying then so can you please pass on my message to Sony BMG I am saying then that I would like a request to have Kate De Araugo to make a special apperance in Doncaster I am saying then.
I will look forward to pass on my message to Song BMG regarding and I will get a response from Kate De Araugo to say Thank You for seeing me at the Special Apperance at Virgin Megastore in Melbourne and I would like to see her make a special apperance at Westfield Doncaster at the Sanity Stores I would loved that.
That will be good that I would want to see Kate De Araugo more I am saying then at Westfield Doncaster then I am saying then so I would like you to pass on this e-mail to Sony BMG that I would loved to have the Winner of the Australian Idol to come to Westfield Doncaster to make a special apperance on a Saturday hopefully.
I went on Saturday to see Kate De Araugo and I saw her performing her first single Maybe Tonight at the moment was on a Number 1 ARIA Charts in Australia and I really loved that song much I never got sick of that song and that song came stuck in my head at the moment.
Can you please pass this on to Sony BMG and I would like Kate De Araugo to respond this e-mail to me after you passed on the e-mail to Kate De Araugo and tell Kate De Araugo that does she gets the Herald Sun and The Courier Mail in the Gold Coast when she lives in the Gold Coast? so I am saying that I think she may get the Herald Sun on the Gold Coast I knew they sell it.
I just can’t believe that I was excited and overjoyed that I have met Kate De Araugo and I shouted out “Kate! I knew Rocky!” and Kate said “Say Hi to Rocky for me!” and I said to Kate: “Kate! Rocky is my mate!” and Kate says “How was Rocky going?” that what Kate and I said.
I think Kate De Araugo is a very nice person and I liked her so much then because she very nice then I am saying then and I am in the Kate De Araugo Forum now and I would like to send e-mails and messages to Kate De Araugo.
I find Kate De Araugo is a good looking women and I think she is then I saw her on Saturday and I have met and talked to her I am saying then she is very nice and lovely I am saying then and good looking then I think so.
I give this special apperance is 10 out of 10 I rated then and I think it is the best guest apperance that I have ever seen then I am saying then. I can’t believe that I am saying then she is good looking and very pretty then I can say then.
My good mate Jayne ****** I have told her on the Mobile and I said to Jayne that Kate De Araugo is a very nice person and she is good singer and Jayne thinks that is nice and that is good.
I am sending you an e-mail regarding Kate De Araugo’s Special Apperance at Myer Melbourne that I have met then and I think she is good looking and I would want to see more of Kate De Araugo when she has her next apperance again in Melbourne on a Saturday I am saying then so can you please let me know when Kate De Araugo’s special apperance by Sony BMG please in Doncaster and in Myer Melbourne I would love that to happen.
I hope that Kate De Araugo will respond to me then and let me know about the Forum that does Kate De Araugo has her forum and does she reads her forum?
I would love to meet Kate De Araugo more often and if I have a Digital Camera I would like to be in a picture with Kate De Araugo soon and I would love that.
I will look forward to your response by Virgin Megastore Manager and by Song BMG I am a biggest fan of Kate De Araugo and I loved her song Maybe Tonight.
Thanks for taking time with this e-mail regarding Saturday’s special apperance made by Kate De Araugo and I would like that to happen again in Melbourne and in Doncaster I am saying then I live in Doncaster and I will look forward to get my e-mail message from Sony BMG and to Kate De Araugo and I am looking forward to write Kate De Araugo a letter and also pass on the message to Sanity Doncaster as well.
Best Regards
Kenny ****
Kate De Araugo’s Fan.
December 21, 2005
Suggest-A-Set-List
Say an AMAZING covers band was forming. Not a ‘covers band’ in your local RSL sense of the term, but a musical ensemble dedicated to giving the ROCK to underrated tunes from any era, any genre, any thing.
Say their set list already included songs from the following artists.
- Gwen Stefani!
- Jose Gonzalez!
- Madonna!
- Dave Dobbyn!
- Justin Timberlake!
- Robyn!
- Sufjan Stevens!
- Kings Of Leon!
- Wilson Phillips!
Much like the previous post, what songs would YOU suggest they cover? Remember, style and genre are not a concern, everything would get the acoustically rock’n’roll treatment it deserved. Is there a goddamn awesome but underrated song you’ve longed to see banged out at a pub? Or a tune otherwise thought of as completely lame which you’ve often wondered “Hey, wonder what that would sound like if covered by a band”?
‘Fess up.
Posted by Jess at 12:32 AM Link | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)December 20, 2005
It Could Have Been So Much Worse.
Australian Idol faux-punk Lee Harding’s new single “Wasabi” is out now, and as many may be aware, the tastefulness of the songs lyrics (where he compares Christie from Big Brother his ladyfriend to a ‘sunami’) have been recently questioned.
Well, ausculture.com has a big scoop.
Tonight whilst stumbling back home, Genny B and I were accosted by a dark and mysterious figure wearing a trenchcoat and not much else. He beckoned us into a shady looking alley, and naturally we ambled over as we are incredibly friendly ladies who like to make new chums.
The man turned out to be a rogue employee from Sony-BMG, and in his hands he held the original lyrics to Lee’s song “Wasabi”… back when it was called “She’s Nazi”. He urged us to put the real lyrics online so everyman and his net savvy dog could see just how bad things could have been. Prepare yourselves.
She loathes Ethiopians
Her tubes are fallopian
And they’re just for the Aryan race
She’s like a sunami
In Papau New Garney
Doesn’t give a damn unless it kills a white face
She’s touring Belsen
Anorexic like Olsen
Spits on all the homeless she sees
Hangs out with Hanson
Thinks Howard is handsome
Hates HIV
BUT SHE GOT IT FROM ME!
Chorus
She’s Nazi!
Starts riots in Cronulla
Hates the wogs and the lebs!
She’s Nazi!
Took her baseball bat and
Smashed ‘em all in the head!
She votes Family First
And she fancies Fred Durst
She thinks he’s so cute u c
Will tolerate hate &
She thinks the war’s great
Remembers every Alan Jones speech
She’s dated Young Libs n
Steals babies from cribs
Thinks we should drown all the refugees
Euthanised her granny
Won’t show me her fanny
Hates HIV
BUT SHE GOT IT FROM ME!
Chorus
She’s Nazi!
Starts riots in Cronulla
Hates the wogs and the lebs!
She’s Nazi!
Took her baseball bat and
Smashed ‘em all in the head!
Flew to Orleans
And blew up the levees
Your average Ku Klux Klan freak
I can’t spell Niagara
I need some viagra
Cause I’m a flaccid cockmuncher with no talent to see!
Chorus
She’s Nazi!
Starts riots in Cronulla
Hates the wogs and the lebs!
She’s Nazi!
Took her baseball bat and
Smashed ‘em all in the head!
It’s currently the number one song in Australia which means you have full permission to drown every teenage girl you see walking along the streets today. Whilst mumbling the original highly offensive lyrics under your breath.
Posted by Jess at 10:17 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)This Just Blew My Mind.
You must go and watch this - it’s a ukulele player named Jake Shimabukuro banging out “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” and it is INSANELY GOOD.
Posted by Jess at 2:47 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)What’s That Over There?
In the distance!
Look!
Seriously!
It’s Eliza Dushku’s naughty bits on the red carpet!
This is why Faith stuck with the leather pants, I suspect.
Posted by Jess at 1:56 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)The Joy Of Making Mix CDs
I’m sort of poor. All the time. Which is something my dear friends and family are very much used to but sometimes it can make you feel like a bit of a hapless tosser, know what I mean?
Sure, I try and make my pals feel like the whole “Jess Is Hopeless!” schtick is great fun - to the point where I recently made a World Vision-esque card with a passport photo of me on it with my hobbies’n’vital stats and gave it to my main “sponsor” - but truth be told? It’s a bit rubbish to be the idiot without food or money whenever the posse get together.
But the one thing I DO like to do whenever I can as a gesture of love to my mates is make them mix tapes and cds. I like to think I do them rather well. I’ve never had any complaints (other than when Sherriff screamed with fright as I informed him the CD I’d just given him contained a new Fiona Apple song) so until I am told to back off by the police, my nearest and dearest can expect many more CDs to come their way in the future.
I’m blathering.
Tonight I made Genny B a compilation to apologise for being late to meet her at the pub and if you don’t mind me giving myself a shameless pat on the back, I think it’s pretty fucking ace. Here’s what I put on it…
- “Hazel Eyes” - The Darkness
- “Upside Mine” - Billy Childish & Holly Golightly
- “I Guess I Planted” - Billy Bragg & Wilco
- “Cocaine Blues” - Townes Van Zandt
- “For The Widows In Paradise; For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti” - Sufjan Stevens
- “Thanks A Lot” - Neko Case
- “Don’t Forget About Me” - Dusty Springfield
- “Fine Line” - Paul McCartney
- “Hard To Beat” - Hard Fi
- “Crosses” - Jose Gonzalez
- “Back In The U.S.A” - MC5
- “Moving” - Supergrass
- “Errol” - Australian Crawl
- “Kiss The Dirt (Falling Down The Mountain)” - INXS
- “(I Bet That You) Look Good On The Dance Floor” - Arctic Monkeys
- “Right Back Where We Started From” - Maxine Nightingale
- “Hung Up” - Madonna
- “Rise” - Public Image Ltd
- “In A Big Country” - Big Country
- “Wasteland” - Maximo Park
- “Heartbeats” - The Knife
If you can get your paws on any of those songs, I thoroughly recommend you do. The Sufjan Stevens track has to be one of the most beautiful songs I’ve heard all goddamn year. And the best bit? Almost a third of the songs are ones I would never have heard had it not been for the fact they appeared on a compilation given to me by buddies.
And so the music travels…
Can anyone recommend anything else? My ears are hungry for new tunes.
Hey - maybe there can be a mix CD prize for the best song suggestion?
Posted by Jess at 1:06 AM Link | Comments (20) | TrackBack (0)December 19, 2005
Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Late Night Drinking Companion
Genny B - “Jessamie, where’s that YAY-GER-MEISTER!”
(insane look appears in eyes)
“HAHAHAHAHAH”
(two minutes later…)
Genny B - “We’re so NQRSVU.”
(silence)
Me - “Umm. Gen? What’s N… NQ… that thing you said?”
Genny B - “Not Quite Right Special Victims Unit.”
(five minutes later)
Genny B - “HEY, LETS DIE TOGETHER!”
(silence)
Me - “Okay.”
(insane look appears in eyes)
“HAHAHAHAHAH”
(two minutes later…)
Genny B - “We’re so NQRSVU.”
(silence)
Me - “Umm. Gen? What’s N… NQ… that thing you said?”
Genny B - “Not Quite Right Special Victims Unit.”
(five minutes later)
Genny B - “HEY, LETS DIE TOGETHER!”
(silence)
Me - “Okay.”
No, wait. Maybe I DO want to hear them from my late night drinking companion. How can I be having three nights out fuelled on fucking lethal shots of alcohol? I adore you Genny B, even though you’re an appalling influence on me. Now get me the shot glasses. I am bloody sozzled.
Posted by Jess at 2:12 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)December 17, 2005
Yesterday’s Rally
It was ace. Here’s what happened.
- Our tram had to be diverted because of “a protest”. Which, when you’re on the way to said protest and an official announcement is made over the loud speaker, makes you feel thrilled and chuffed and full of hope. It also helped distract from the fact that there were a MILLION FLIES swarming around the packed compartment.
- There were signs! From the expected stuff in the vein of “STOP RACISM!” to other more interesting placards like “FREE TABBOULEH!”
- A man sang two songs - one by Jackson Browne and another called “Weeds”. Which he then spelt out loud for us presumably in case (as Ms Fits pointed out) we thought he was singing about urine.
- We were informed by the speakers running the rally that the Liberal Party sucks - AMEN TO THAT, SISTAH!
- I looked across Burke Street Mall and spied a friend from high school I hadn’t seen in SEVEN YEARS and who, to my knowledge, had absolutely no reason to be in Melbourne! ANTI-RACISM = BRINGING PEOPLE TOGETHER!
- A bloke with a busted leg scribbled the words “LOVE ALL” onto a brown paper bag and then placed it on one of his crutches - and then hobbled all the way to Liberal Party headquarters with his walking aid in the air! Respect!
- The Liberals hid underneath their desks so we couldn’t see them through the window! Suck on the shame, bastards!
- Or maybe they’d all gone home because it was 6pm on a Friday afternoon. Whatever. They could “feel” our vibes, no matter where they actually happened to be.
- Dangerous Dave made me his DJ bitch at Pony and bought me too many shots of Jager to accompany my beer-swilling before swaggering off into the night to join his lovely fiance in Frankston!
- And I suddenly realised I was incredibly drunk and had to call beloved pals to tell me where I was and counsel me!
- Then I got home and tried to call Mike Schank from American Movie. Then I passed out.
All in all, a successful afternoon.
Posted by Jess at 7:59 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)December 16, 2005
Let’s Be Online David Attenboroughs!
Sure, perusing online forums frequented by illiterate teens is a cheap laugh - most of the time. But there have been some incredibly interesting discussions going on over at the official Lee Harding forums and we felt it our duty to alert you to them. Eventually the BBC will make documentaries on the behaviour of teenagers online, mark my words.
From the thread “DOES LEE SMOKE?” - it’s a pretty long conversation so we’ll just point out the highlights.
Punk Rock Roxz
hey peepz!! i was just wondering…does lee smoke?
.::emily the strange::.
well.. on the australian idol lee forum sum1 asked tha same question and sum1 said they saw him smokin’ once (not sure if they’re tellin’ the truth though). y does it matter anyway?
Lee-Obsessions
Oh well.. like in one of the posts, half the world smokes. Although it’d be better if Lee didnt, cos he would live longer.
Lee, on behalf of ausculture.com and all our readers, please enjoy this truckload of Marlboro Lights. No, really. No charge. Just keep puffing away, dear punk brother.
Punk Rock Roxz
ewww…i hope its not tru that he smokes, i think smoking is so uhh and its rlly bad 4 ppl and the environment… i so wanna make it illegal lol but thats like impossible so yeah… i hope he doesnt smoke…
As you may have sensed a little already, Punk Rock Roxz doesn’t approve of smoking. This will become ever more apparent as the thread goes on.
Kim
People smoke coz they wanna be cool when they are teenagers..then they are addicted. SIMPLE. Smoking doesn’t make him any less of a person and doesn’t neccesarily mean his life will be shorter. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow.
Yes. Yes he could. Completely off topic, does anyone know of a maverick bus driver willing to put himself on the line in order to protect the ears and hearts of the nation?
Punk Rock Roxz
smoking is like soooooooo not cool….i hate whoever invented cigarettes…smoking is so disgusting…and uhh…it just makes me so angry…yeah but its still bad 4 him…what if he gets cancer or something…i dont dislike him now… i still like him…i just dont like hoim as much but i tsill like him heaps but i wish he didnt smoke…if i had 1 wish it would be that he wouldnt smoke…
Tam
well DUHHH its baad 4 u…but WHO CARES WHO SMOKES!!!!?? its no big deaal…half this world does it. i dont…and i kno lots of ppl who do. OMGG….THIS TOPIC IS SOO NOT WORTH IIT.
Au contraire, Tam.
Lee-Obsessions
cigarettes smell bad… POO!
jess luvs anthony
it doesnt bother me, anthony smokes as wel
Not me, swears. Although I do, of course, luv Anthony. 4evs.
Punk Rock Roxz
yeah i know anthony smokes but hu cares about him…doesnt ne one here care that lee is bloody poisining himself by smoking? what if he dies 2morrow? god…why doesnt he just drink poison…
YES, WHY DOESN’T HE?
Lees Punk Princess
I Smoke - i have for nearly 10 years and i’m still healthy so don’t stress ok. do us all a favour get over it 100% of Australians smoke not like he is the only person to have smoked before
Figures straight from the World Health Organisation, no doubt.
Punk Rock Roxz
im not saying that he is .. i just think smoking is wrong and i wish that no one in this world smoked… its just so wrong…i wish no one smoked…it makes me so angry when i see people on the street smoking…especially ppl with children..i feel so sorry for them…im gonna stop talking about this now coz obviously u ppl dont care about smoking and u think its ok… i think smokings just wrong and it should be mae illegal everywhere
Wasabi_dats_me:p
lee rox n matter wat. get over it. if u cant dis is bout lee n there’s no point of staying here if ur da blak sheep n not a lee fan. he knows wat he’s doin
Let this be a warning to other ‘blak sheeps’ out there contemplating joining Lee’s online forum.
Punk Rock Roxz
now i know how lee felt when he had no friends and everyone teased him
Hmmm. I can’t help but feel the use of the past tense may be incorrect.
Wasabi_dats_me:p
OMG ur rite. im sori n now im crying cuz i feel bad. 4giv me?
lee.luva.4eva.im.addicted.2.lee
yeh he duz…I WENT 2 THE UP CLOSE & PERSONAL SHOW and got 2 meeet my baii after the show but during the show my mum was waiting 4 me and ma frends and lee and dan were havn a smoker… LEE BLEW ME A KISSSSS……. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…he sed he luvd me omg!!!! AND HE LUVD MA POSTER luvn u sooooooooooo much babe mwa mwa BUT WHO CARES…the only reason that im worried 4 him is 4 his health…thats all… BUT HE CAN DO WAT HE WANTS…ILL NEVA STOP LUVIN HIM…nothing will change my mind
Josh
who cares
Punk Rock Roxz
lol fine…but heaps of ppl @ skool also tease me and they’re always being racist 2 me…
Well. What a journey, eh? Gamut of emotions, A to B, etc.
I’m going to quit smoking RIGHT NOW.
PS: I’d repressed the memory of Lee till I read this post yesterday over at RYWHM. I think I might go back to pretending he never happened. La la la, so anyway, how’s about that first series of Idol? “Angels Brought Me Here”, phwaar, there’s a catchy song!
Posted by Jess at 1:28 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)Hey! You There! Living In Melbourne!
Just another reminder about attending the non-violent protest against racism this afternoon.
Where: Bourke Street Mall.
When: Today, 5pm. I forgot to tell you the time last time because I am a big spazz.
Anything Else: Umm. I think that’s it. See you there x
Posted by Jess at 11:21 AM Link | TrackBack (0)December 15, 2005
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Every song should feature bagpipes!
- Honey. Lemon. Tea. YES!
- Beep beep!
- Fridges are for chumps!
- I want to see Brokeback Mountain. Now.
- “Succumb” = “Suck cum”. Hahaha stupid English language!
CUNTS CORNER!
Check it out. I’m obsessed.
Ronald McDonald
All clowns are cunts. Or Paedos. Or both, as in the case of this scary fucker. Mincing around little kids trying to force feed them his meat? Send in the clowns? Fuck off, you kiddy fiddling cunt.
Autistics
Anti-social cunts. Just because you’re good at at maths and art doesn’t mean you can’t be civil. For fuck’s sake get over yourselves.
Batman
Always carrying an unconscious young woman from a burning building.Pyromaniacal, date raping cunt.
Agoraphobics
You boring cunts should get out more.
Romans
If you are the greatest civilisation ever, why the fuck are you all Dead? Oh yeah, and you cunts spoke latin. You pretentious Bastards.
I’m on a tea high. I am a walking advertisement for the advantages of euthanasia.
Posted by Jess at 3:09 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Let’s Get Festive AND Inappropriate!
Hold onto your hats, perverts, because I think I just invented a seasonal game right out of my own head. For real!
Who wants to play…
KISS KRINGLE!
- Get a bunch of friends together!
- Perhaps have a few drinkies!
- Put everyone’s name in a hat!
- Shake it! Shake it! Shake it like a
Polaroid picturehat full of names! - Pass the hat around and pull out a piece of paper!
- The person whose name you’ve drawn is your KISS KRINGLE!
- At this point, everyone will eye each other off suspiciously. “Are you going to try and pash me?” they’ll wonder as they glance around the room!
- The goal is to SURPRISE your KISS KRINGLE with a smooch when they least expect it!
- This may take hours of waiting!
- Try to throw them off the scent by pointing out their friend X definitely has a shifty look on their face and will undoubtedly attempt to tongue them at any moment!
- Then BAM! GET UR FREAK ON!
- And later, once everyone has discovered their KISS KRINGLE, you can dance and drink and resume pre-KISS KRINGLE activities at yer knees-up!
- OR JUST KEEP ON KISSIN’, YOU DIRTY LUST-BUNNIES!
Wow. Turns out tea really fuels my brain. Cough. Who knew?
Other Things Invented By Me This Year…
- Sezbian!
- Jessamie Tea (don’t ask)!
That’s about it. Still, even Da Vinci had to start somewhere.
Posted by Jess at 1:53 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)And Yet Another Break Up!
Marty and Jess from Big Brother II have decided to call it quits too.
What the hell is going on here, people? Why is every single person in the world splitting up with their partner? Has Gretel Killeen, bitter and angry post-Saxon affair, decided to curse us all? IS GRETEL GOD? CAN SHE READ MY THOUGHTS?
Don’t look so smug, you-over-there-with-the-happy-love-life. You’ll get your comeuppance. Gretel will make sure of it.
(Thanks for the heads up, Tom. I should have been all over this story but instead spent the morning trying to sleep in restlessly and missing my mummy. I will be home for Christmas, just like the song goes, won’t I? Or will it be another home made Christmas in metaphorical Kentucky (IE. MY APARTMENT) a la the Kenny Rogers festive season tune?)
Posted by Jess at 1:12 PM Link | TrackBack (0)December 14, 2005
Some Random Things.
BLOG AWARDY THINGOS
I wrote a post about this last week but - and isn’t this becoming a recurring theme? - the internerd slipped out of consciousness and all was lost. As a few of you may have noted, ausculture.com came third in the SmartyBlog awards for the Best Australian blog.
Because we have always tried to emulate tAtU̵